You are here

Venting

Babyface's picture

Submitted by Babyface on Sat, 03/16/2019 - 4:12pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

So here’s my story. I had been married to this man for over 10 years now who has 2 kids from a previous marriage now aged 25 and 23 who had been living with us for about 8 years now. I had a pretty decent relationship with his kids and they had been pretty respectful of me that’s why maybe we lasted living under one roof this long but since both of them now has full time jobs I made it clear to everyone that they need to find their own place and pay their own bills because I feel like I need my own space. I have 2 of my own who are a few years younger than the step kids and both are still in college and live at home. But the two older ones I feel that they should move out but last year when we had this discussion my husband made it clear to me that he is moving out with them if they are moving out. Now that was a shock to me that he reacted that way. That kind of changed everything for me. I’ve been planning to sell the current house and use the money to help fund my retirement because I was diagnosed with lupus about a year ago but husband seems to be unsupportive of this. I have a hard time continuing with my current job due to my physical disabilities. I don’t have the strength to put up a fight as I always feel fatigue brought about by the illness. And I just feel unsupported at my own home because no one helps with cleaning or cooking or any of that and I’m not healthy anymore to do all these things. I’m so looking forward to live by myself and my two own kids but just need the strength to push through with this.

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Sat, 03/16/2019 - 4:34pm

Have you considered joining a lupus support group?  Talking to people who know more about filing disability claim?

I get it that you want the kids out, I am unclear why you think the house should be sold to finance your retirement?  Does it belong to both of you?  Just you.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 03/16/2019 - 6:34pm

Have you discussed all of this before with DH? There is a lot of "I want this" and "I want that" and "I told them this", and not a lot of information on whether or not you ever talked with DH about his kids and a plan for them launching, or if you just decided you wanted space and ordered them out.  If that's the case, I can see that maybe DH overreacted and said he was leaving too. 

Seems a shame to throw away 10 years of marriage over a disagreement on when kids should launch, but maybe there is more to this story.  At any rate, you need to take care of your health and do what's best for you.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Sun, 03/17/2019 - 11:19am

If you want to stay married, why not change the house rules rather than divorce?

If you're doing all the cooking and cleaning, stop. Your own kids should be helping out more. If there are four young adults living there, you shouldn't have to do much. If you can't get the kids to help, stop doing for them and just do for yourself. Get groceries for yourself. Cook for yourself. Clean your bathroom and personal space, but leave the rest to everyone else.

This is a good negotiating tool. If he doesn't want his kids to move out, then you tell him they must pay rent so you can hire a housekeeper or they must clean the house. Make it fair: all the kids gets chores and they must all do them or they must all move out. That's your concession: they don't have to move out, but you're not the maid anymore.