We had to separate for SS's sake -Update
It's good to be back. The last time I posted was in September regarding the situation between DW and SS. Put it in short, the man that DW was seeing before me was molesting SS. To make matters worse, the scum would tell him that DW would say she gave her permission to it. When DW found out, She kicked that scumbag out and pressed charges. He's going to be behind bars for a very long time. I hope when the other inmates discover what he was done, they'll show him how it feels. If I were ever see him, I would be put away myself.
SS has hated DW ever since. I've only been in SS's life for 3 years (introduced after a year of dating and married for 2) and he considers and addresses me as 'dad'. I love him beyond worrds. He is my son and noting will ever change that. How he is with me and with DW is night and day. With me he's normal teenager,We get along, We'll have heart to hearts,He comes to me with his problems, I take him fishing, taught him how to drive etc. With DW, there's no emotion, no empathy. He just didn't care. I was always the mediator between them. I could never me a husband and a father at the same time.
We put SS back into victims counselling. What broke our hearts was one when he said that when he looks at DW, he sees the monstrosity and not her and asked her if she would be kiss him after he would finish with him. That was when we came to the decision that I would move out with ss so he could start to heal but DW thought it would be much easier if she left. This was with the counsellor's recommendation. Seperating SS from me was not an option either because with me, he feels normal and safe. He's not a bad kid. He's just angry and hateful towards towards DW and his reasons are justified. He claimed that DW was so desperate for love and attention that she brought that scum into his life and failed to protect him. Everything that he went through was due to her choices. DW already suffered from major gulit.
Are are still very much married, just living in seperate households for the time being. It's been about 4 months. SS is still in counselling and DW is seeing a therapist herself.
I also gently encouraged him not to forgive DW for her sake but for his own. Being angry all the time would only deteriorate his health in the future and it overall isn't healthy for him.
Update- SS is finally starting to let the hate go. DW is starting to get over her guilt. I visit her everyday and come home to SS. Before, SS had no desire to even talk to her on the phone. Now he's engaging with surface level conversation with her over the phone. The three of us can go dinner and SS is civil with her now. Before he would refuse to go anywhere where DW would go. He asked me the other day how she was doing, he normally never brings her up. When I told DW this, she bursted into tears. SS told me that he's angry that contemptible human being took his mom away from him. He's ackowledging DW as his mom. Before he would just say 'that woman'. They both of them are going to starting family therapy soon as well.
I went back to read your
I went back to read your other post
Sounds like SS is finally starting to heal. I'm glad that he's starting to soften and learning to forgive and let go of all that hate- It does make sense was to why he hates his mother. Holding onto the hate would be only hurting him more.
Its a good update and I hope
Its a good update and I hope everyone stays on the path towards total healing. There are so many things that kids just can't understand until they grow up and start having relationships. DW was a victim too of this scumbag and glad to see she is getting therapy for herself.
My DH just retired from a 30 year corrections officer career. I can tell you that they keep the child molesters separate from the total prison population so attacks don't break out. (at least in my state) Doesn't mean he won't get some kind of karma, might take a little longer.
Painful and slow
When the karma bus comes around for that scumbag, I hope it's painful and slow.
I pray that it only gets better for SS and DW. It's taken months for them to get to this point
Not how I would address it
Not how I would address it but it is great news that both SS and DW are starting to progress in their recovery and through the grief cycle.
You are an amazing man to navigate this with SS and being separated from your bride. Far more than I could ever be.
My strategy would be to take them both to therapy, keep the facts foremost that DW is his mom and would never knowingly expose him to danger or a molestor, and navigate the process as a family rather than a separated married couple catering and coddling a kid that was mollested by an outsider.
I am truly glad that this is working for all of you. I hope that you can lead an effective acceleration of this process. For your sake, DW's sake and for the sake of your marriage.
Good luck.
I think 1 thing people forget
Is anyone can be a child molester, abuser or rapist because they look like the good neighbour nextdoor. They know how to work their charm. Add that to a woman desperate for love, just gone through a difficult breakup, she’s total prey and doesn’t see it coming until its too late.
Your ss is starting to empathise a bit but down the line you need to let him know that that piece of scum knew how to work his mum, kids may see it differently from that and blame that bio parent that was meant to protect them
its great what you are doing going out of your way for your ss because we often read about the horror stories and dramas of blended life and rarely of ones when stepchild is actually bonding with the stepparent and stepsiblings
I was just like your stepson!
When I was young my mom did the same,put me in jeopardy and in bad situations with whatever retarded generals,abusers and perverts that were my stepdads of the year ..I also viewed her as desperate and I resented her ignorance and lack of standards .I genuinely hated her for a time .Being a helpless child and having your innocence,trust and sense of wonder ripped away like that over and over is hard to overcome when it was your own mother who unwittingly put you in harm's way so she could have her itch scratched.It wasnt until I was an adult that I realized she was repeating the pattern from her own dysfunctional childhood,that everyone makes mistakes and that some people are just not good judges of character and I forgave her.Your SS will too,eventually.
I am sorry that you had to
I am sorry that you had to experience that.
Take care of you.