Bm and stepsons got what they wanted
I got involved with Dh while he was still married to Bm. I matured while being married to Dh for 11 years. Believe me, I regret ever putting her in that situation. I wish I didn't but I fell in love.
A few weeks back, Dh met with his sons(16,14,13) and decided to talk with them. They hate me and Bd6. They want noting to do with her because she came from me.
Dh sat his sons down and he told them us having an affair was wrong and he's sorry for hurting them and Bm. But keeping this anger and hatred isn't healthy for them, and just because Bm is angry with him doesn't mean they still have to be. Basically he's done tolerating them disrespecting us. That didn't sit well with his sons at all.
OSS told him that he doesn't get to talk about respect. They love him but hate me. They want Dh in their lives but not me or our daughter. They go on to say that if he's making going to force them on having me apart of their lives, he might as well disown them because they've made it clear that they will never treat me with an ounce of human decency for breaking up their family and for hurting Bm. To them 11 years means noting to him, but that's their childhood that he ruined by getting involved with me. Dh cried while he was telling me all of this. YSS begged Dh to put them first for once. They don't want Bm and Dh to get back together. His sons don't want me around or in their lives and while married to me, I will be a part of their lives. I only want to be as much a part of their lives as they'll let me. All I want is respect and they have made it clear that will never happen.. Seeing me is a constant reminder and they can't seem to get over it while he's still with me. They gave Dh an ultimatium: me or them. If he picked them, they will forgive him and start afresh. If not, they will forgive him but will have noting to do with him anymore and he will be excluded for any and all aspect of their lives in the future I felt so bad for Dh. He was actually broken. I've never seen him cry so much before.
After putting Bd to bed, Dh asked if he could talk and he just dropped the bomb saying he wants a divorce. I was(am) shocked. He goes on to say that he still loved me and Bd but he also loves is sons as well but he can't be their father, Bd's father, and my husband at the same time. His Biggest fear is that his sons will want noting to do with him in the future and he feels that it's not fair to our daughter to be around them neither.
I tried to talk him out of it but he was done. He's done 11 years of this and can't do it anymore. He doesn't want to lose his sons. His sons aren't happy, Bd is sad that her brothers want noting to do with her, and I'm not happy with the situation. Us getting divorce would fix the issues with his son's but he isn't thinking about us. To him this is only way that everyone wins: Bm and his sons will let go of their anger and begin to heal, our daughter won't have to see his sons and get hurt everytime they ignore her. I don't hate his sons, I hate the situation.
Bm finally got what she wanted. I haven't been able to stop crying.
- Mooma's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I hope he’s ready for a
I hope he’s ready for a lifetime of BM controlling him through his kids.
“we don’t like the new woman you are dating, stop seeing her or we won’t speak to you.”
”Mom says you should be paying for all of our college because you ruined our childhood, pay or we won’t speak to you. “
”Mom says you owe us all cars because you left us, buy them or we won’t speak to you. “
I hope that she will let go
I hope that she will let go of her anger.
As for college and cars- she already made it clear to Dh that she will never need his financial aid. She's extremely wealthy.
She won't let go of her anger
She won't let go of her anger. It's not over for DH, in terms of the punishment and alienation of his kids. It might not be money, but it will be something she uses to control him.
You, however, have the chance at a better life. I know how hard it is to lose someone this way, but you deserve better. He should have dealt with his kids' attitude many, many years ago.
That’s just stupid. He could
That’s just stupid. He could easily see his sons away from you and your daughter.
Plenty of us here do not see our skids at all. It works very well.
He says that he can't do it
He says that he can't do it for the rest of his life.
In a strange way- I get it though.
Ask him why not. Why does he
Ask him why not. Why does he want to inflict these aholes on you and your daughter? They bring nothing to your lives.
So when you divorce is he going to bow out of your daughter’s life? Because his sons still won’t want to be around her. And if they are around her they will be cruel and mean to her. And she will not have you to protect her.
His daughter is going to hate his guts. It I guess he doesn’t give a damn about her.
What ages are your skids and
What ages are your skids and how to you not see them? I'm wondering because this would be a dream come true.
I can't imagine being put in
I can't imagine being put in the situation of having to choose between some of my children, my spouse, my other child... Being torn like that.
Yes, this is a situation of your and your DH's making, however wrong it was to begin with, he doesn't see that he is making another mistake in divorcing you.
I would say that you will agree to a divorce BUT only after 60 days of marriage counseling. YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT THERAPIST. Make calls, interview them, etc. This will be difficult. Maybe a counselor can help him see that this manipluation by his children is wrong on their parts.
Maybe he can attend a counseling session with them as well. Find out why they think it is ok for another marriage to break up because they can't forgive an ADULT choice. They don't get to make that call.
Your DH is being a little
Your DH is being a little ridiculous. I get why the sons want nothing to do with you. They are teenagers and have not expereienced that hard decisions that life has ahead of them. You will have to wait till they are older for them to hopefully let go of all the resentment and have more understanding.
Let's face it if he was with you before him and BM broke up obviously their relationship was not all that super great and he has been with you for 11 years. You both need to go speak to someone before jumping the gun and he should take his sons to speak with someone as well so they have a neutral outlet for all the pint up anger they are feeling.
I am assuming that BD is his daughter. You need to point out that by getting a divorce because he does not want to lose his sons will cause issues with you daughter and she now will suffer from resentment and disappointment towards those boys for taking her dad away.
You all need to speak to someone and think things out better and come to a better solution. You need to fully except that for now those boys will not like you or want anything to do with you. It may always be that way but hopefully as they get older they will see life is messy and not always black and white.
His boys don't care about our
His boys don't care about our daughter at all. They actually ignore her every chance they get. It's sad to see. Why hate her. I was in the one who was in affair. But they hate anything me and anything assoicated with me. His eldest was 5 when Dh and Bm ot divorced, so to him it's only fair that same thing should happen to her. They really hate her. The reason- she's MY daughter.
They have told Dh that me and our daughter will never be allowed to their graduations, weddings, and will have noting to do with their future grand children. They really thought ahead
OH Gawddd...they are assholes
OH Gawddd...they are assholes.
It’s a given that his kids will never respect
You, they see you as the one who screw up there childhood. And will never see it any other way. But your DH is not going to be a father to your DD to go back to BM. That not going to fix his kids. That time has passed . Your DH needs perfessional help with his thinking.
Does BM even when him back???? Maybe she tells that to the kids. But can anyone just walk in after 12 years?? She has a totally different life now. She may want his money, what left after you get CS. But may not want him anymore
I agree that he needs help.
I agree that he needs help. He just can't do it anymore.
Bm made it clear she would never take him back. As for money, after Dh and her got divorced, she worked hard and she's now a self made, wealthy, and powerful career woman. As for CS, she told him she doesn't need his money to raise her sons but Dh still gave it to her anyways because it was for his kids
My youngest son 22 played me
My youngest son 22 played me this song in the car one day when he was in his mid teens. My ex& I separated when the boys were 6 & 4 but it was over before that.
https://youtu.be/wEB29IXUbxQ
If this song doesnt make you cry about the hurt that kids feel when they see their mom hurt, especially boys. My boys 24 & 22, ADORE me. My son played me this song a few years before his father died so a bit of foreshadowing.
He was hurt by his father, who while I was home caring for 2 toddlers was out at the bars banging his singer who was "a friend of the family". My son was mad at his dad who was with this friend of the family for 13 years until he died when my sons were 18 & 20. My sons were considered next of kin because my ex never married his girlfriend but they gave those rights to his gf who lived with him over 10 yrs. They never had kids together. She had an abortion because she said you dont even take care of the kids that you have. He LOVED his boys but he was a bad father.
My kids were in charge of all of the choices. We needed them to sign for the body to be released, cremated etc. They gave all those rights to their step mom who wasnt officially their step mom. They still visit with her occasionally and chat with her online or by text. They feel sorry for her. She found mu ex, her bf of 13 years hanging in their bdrm after coming from the store. Gone 1 hour & he hung himself.
My kids were DEVASTATED. Guilty that they didnt have a great relationship with him but he blew them off a few too many times. Theyd come home from college for holidays or long weekends and he'd barely find time for them if any.
His suicide was one final Fuck you to my kids. As someone else said to me who lost their mom to suicide, his ultimate abandonment.
Sorry those kids dont like you. My ex's girlfriend was lucky my kids accepted her but didnt respect her. They still think shes an idiot, cant hold a job, never could. She didnt ruin our lives but did us a favor as I am remarried to a man who is more of a father to my kids than their own father.
I guess I never pushed my anger on the boys due to my life got better without him, more stable but it was still a struggle and still a lot of hurt. My boys and I were best friends, still are. We survived everything together. You didnt ruin this family. It was your husband's responsibility to stay faithful. You are a scapegoat as so many step moms are. Im not excusing your behavior. I think you know it was wrong but you say you were in love...whatever. You chose to fall for a married man and I dont think anyone is feeling too sorry for you but sad for the kids as they will regret in the future their shit relationship with their dad.
I'm pretty certain that it
I'm pretty certain that it would be near impossible for those kids to forgive a woman that had an affair with their father while their mother was home saddled with a 5, 3 and 2 year old (or younger when the affair started). I mean... that's a pretty harsh thing to do and I'm sure they will always see you as the one that broke their family up.. their mother of course is absolutely vindicated here. You may have matured... but there is a part of them that is still going to be fiercly protective of their mom and are outraged at you on her behalf. And.. while it's not your daughter's fault.. she is part of you and they want (understandably) nothing to do with you.
Sure, your husband was a willing participant to all this. And, you may want to consider the possibility that he has again found a new woman that he prefers to be with over his wife.. this time not you. But.. bio kids have a similar capacity as their bio parents to have a more unconditional love. they have probably even gotten it stuck in their mind that you pursued him and he was helpless against your advances.
To be honest.. at this point they have over a decade of ingrained resentment towards you. Should they have been able to come to terms with this and accept that this made their dad happy? Should they have been able to understand that you have matured and wouldn't have had an affair with a married man now? I'm not sure those are realistic for kids that are still fairly young. Maybe if your husband had insisted that you all go to family counseling over the years to try to hellp the kids understand/adjust.. but I think at this point it's too late.
I think others are right when they say.. lawyer up and ensure your child's rights are protected.
They could have gotten over
They could have gotten over it if their mother had moved on and didn't make it a constant theme of their lives. My friend's husband cheated on her and she isn't making sure her son hates him by playing the victim - in fact, she's happy to be rid of the cheater. But she understands that her son is not an extension of her and making him hate his father will damage him
This is mostly on BM. Yes, OP and her DH made a mistake, but no healthy person hangs onto anger about infidelity for 11 years, and healthy people also know that hating your ex's wife more than you love your kids is abusive to the kids.
How do you know the mom didnt move on
Everyone defines moving on differently, here the mom threw herself into a career.
OPs DH going to court to cut down on the ex dropping the kids off during her time could not have helped. If the kids found about that, they may have been livid.
ETA, given that the ex offered to give up child support, and that she likely still had the kids more than half the time, his going back to adjust CS, she would have said fine. So his only option was what he did, try to cut down on their time at his house. That is likely to have exacerbated problems.
Everyone SHOULD define moving
Everyone SHOULD define moving on as letting go of anger at wrongs and getting on with life. Not throwing yourself into a career and into alienating your children with endless anger and bitterness.
Who knows what is driving the kids anger
If I knew one parent went to court to stop me from coming over, I would not need the other parent to alienate me. People have to own what the do.
They were about 5, 3 and 2
They were about 5, 3 and 2 when their parents split. Not even enough memories of Mom and Dad together to piece together 12 years of anger. This stuff is NOT coming from three toddlers...
But how old were they when dad took mom to court
So OP, says DH took his ex to court to prevent her from dropping off his kids on her time. How old were they then? Did they know? Of course they resent that their sister could spend more time with dad than they could.
So they're acting just like
So they're acting just like the entitled skids we all resent and complain about here? Take the adultery away for a minute. Dad and Mom divorce. Dad gets remarried, bios live with Mom most of the time. Dad and New Wife have a child. New Child lives with Dad more because that's just how re-marriage works. So original bios demand that Dad choose between them and New Wife.
Literally majority of us on this board would be divorced. All of us complain of all the Disney Dads who cater to their spoiled COD's and it's not right, they need to get over it, etc etc. BUT WHOOOOAAAA INFIDELITY??!?! OH OKAY SKIDS CAN DEMAND WHATEVER THEY WANT. NEW WIFE ADULTEROUS HOAR SHALL SUFFER FOREVERRRRRRRR. POWER TO SKIDS!!!
You are condoning what this entire board complains about because of the adultery. Doesn't work that way. They were hella young and the BM can't get over the betrayal but that is HER issue! It is the MARRIAGE and ADULTS that failed each other. The children still have a mother and father. They should still nuture the children's love for both of their parents. It is no different.
Not to mention, none of these
Not to mention, none of these kids would know about the affair if BM didn't tell them. And if they figured it out themselves, BM could have said, like a HEALTHY person would,
"You know, kids - that was a long time ago. Yes, I was upset, but I've moved on and I've let go of any anger and pain about it. I don't want you to hate your father OR SM, and I won't stand for you disrespecting them."
Healthy mothers don't want their kids to hate their other parent for any reason.
I don't get this whole idea that if someone cheats on you, all the rules are suspended and you can hate them forever and make your kids hate them too.
One could say the OP acted
One could say the OP acted like an entitled brat when she made the choice to have an affair with a married man.
You don't get to help destroy a marriage, then play the victim when the karma bus pulls up to your front door.
Married men are off limits
I see. But BM can destroy her
I see. But BM can destroy her kids' relationship with their father and that's just peachy because the poor thing was cheated on. That gives her carte blanche to ruin her kids' lives.
Yes, OP made a mistake. Does that get punished for a lifetime?
Having an affair is not a
Having an affair is not a mistake.
Everyone who has an affair, should have to pay for the hurt they put others through.
Should you have to be punished for ever? Nope, but you should experience some of the hurt the other man or woman felt.
You reap what you sow.
OP didn't stick a gun to his
OP didn't stick a gun to his head. It takes two to have an affair. So dad should let his kids rule his life forever because he made a mistake and OP should suffer until the end of time? Even by law, someone can only be tried for the same crime once.
They both made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Even you, Disney. Should you pay and suffer for each one forever and ever? No, of course not... it only applies to adultery, right?
Yeah, what's up with this
Yeah, what's up with this "Infidelity is a capital offense" mindset? I don't get it.
Same. You would think the the
Same. You would think that the father beat the ex wife based on these reactions from everyone. No one thinks it's right to cheat on one's spouse, but it does happen. Sometimes people divorce over it and other times they work it out. Sometimes people don't ever find out. People make mistakes and then move on, learn and mature. Some people never learn and are repeat offenders. That doesn't seem to be the case with this couple. The ex wife is dead wrong. She isn't teaching her boys to forgive and be the bigger person or how to effectively deal with their feelings in a healthy way because she is filled with bitterness and hatred. She's making her boys feel responsible for her because she can't move on and it hurts them to see their mother so affected by all of this so they're taking their anger out on SM which is wrong.
In my opinion, certain things
In my opinion, certain things are unforgivable. Adultery is one of them.
This idea that one can have an affair, HELP destroy a marriage, then ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after is ridiculous.
Everyone has slightly
Everyone has slightly different morals. I think people deserve to be forgiven if they are truly sorry. That doesn't mean though that you can or have to accept someone's wrong doings. It's okay to say I'm sorry but I can't move past what you did and end things. This mother is harming herself and her kids though. She can't move on and now she's no better. She and her boys are destroying a family. Also, the best revenge is moving on to a bigger and better life and choosing a better man who treats you well.... Not becoming a bitter witch. That just means she let her ex husband ruin her life. She's giving him too much power
Disneyfan, like you, I do not
Disneyfan, like you, I do not agree with adultery.
However, I know there are people who lie - claim they are divorced when they are NOT. I also think that, once discovering they were lied to, those people are unwise to continue in a relationship with a known liar/cheater.
Why would BM even tell them?
Why would BM even tell them? Telling kids about court is alienating behavior. This was an issue between BM and DH and she (yet again) dragged the kids into it. They are all minors. It's pretty well-established that telling kids about court in order to show them the "bad things" their other parent did is alienating. Just like telling them their father had an affair is alienating.
You are defending an alienating mother.
Who knows how they found out
In any event, I would defend the mother here before I would defend the OP, who not only had an affair, but according to her, told her DH his kids could not come over on the moms time. She made her bed.
That's very nice. You'd
That's very nice. You'd defend a mother who commits psychological child abuse on her children and robs them of a relationship with their father, over someone who just wants peace and quiet when it's not her custody time.
That's because affairs are punishable by a lifetime of misery in your book, right? Whereas alienation is a justified reaction to someone being unfaithful?
I don't get that. No one likes to cheated on, but it doesn't have to ruin your and your children's lives forever.
So sticking to the CO and not
So sticking to the CO and not letting the BM drop the skids off unannounced... is literally what half of the SM's on here complain about and wish their DH's would enforce.
You are majorly blinded by the adultery. Laws don't change because Dad was unfaithful.
Nor does it give the cheated
Nor does it give the cheated-upon person carte blanche to feel like a victim for the rest of time and punish the offender(s) repeatedly.
I also don't get why BM and the kids are more angry at SM than DH.
Why mad
1. Of course the ex can feel whatever she wants.
2. The kids may think, right or wrong, that the SM did not want them to visit. Not certain it matters, i think they have made their decision clear at this point
I see. So you think it's fine
I see. So you think it's fine for kids to "decide" whether they visit their other parent. I bet if it was you they were "deciding" not to see, you wouldn't feel that it was OK.
Certainly the oldest
I would not go to court to context ex dropping kids off on my time. But certainly the 16 YO can make this decision.
Since when do any of us
Since when do any of us go along with the idea of BM dropping the skids off without warning whenever she feels like it? Never getting to have a life with our husbands or make plans? But that is supposed to be the OP's lof in life because her DH broke his marriage vows? Nope. Sorry. The woman has been married to him for 11 years. She had every right to expect a reasonable life with him. The vindictive BM poisoning the children against both of them and wearing this weak man down is just pathetic. I hope the OP takes him to the cleaners and he eventually realizes that he will have lost 2 families. These angry young men will drop him like a hot potato and walk away laughing with their mother once they have gotten their revenge and he is just too stupid to see it.
Laws dont change
Not certain what you means by laws dont change, but if you dont want the kids around then, then dont complain when they dont want to be around your kid now.
Laws don't change because of
Laws don't change because of adultery. Many upon many of SM's here wish their DH would enforce the CO and not let BM drop off kids at random, unannounced, whenever she feels like it. So many threads about this very issue.
OP's DH enforced it...actually enforced it...and it's wrong. Why? Because you hate both of them for cheating. A CO is still a legal contract...the laws of it don't change because the bio dad was unfaithful. It's not a crime to have the BM follow the CO because you were the unfaithful party. Boundaries and rules and CO are still a healthy and needed expectation...even for criminal adulterers that shall suffer enternal damnation. *eyeroll*
I dont hate anyone
I just recognize that these kids apparently felt abandoned. How many SMs here disengage and are proud of it. So why cant kids?
They are not disengaged..
They are not disengaged...they are making ultimatums. Disengaged means you don't involved yourself. I partially disengaged from my SS so DH would do more parenting. I didn't issue an ultimatum that DH choose between me or SS. Two totally separate issues.
OP's DH did NOT abandon his kids, he cheated on his then wife. The children are NOT an extension of the failed marriage between the TWO ADULTS. The bio mother could choose to love her children more than hating her ex for cheating. Instead of feeding her kids the hatred for the last decade, she could encourage them to love their father.
My exH was horrible to me. He drank, kept me up all night, spent all our money, never paid bills, threatened to take DSthen3 away and never return. He'd try to force me to have sex while mentally blacked out and kept me up until 4am on his drunken rants. Do you know how much of this I say to my son? None. Do I tell him I hate his father? No. Do I downtalk his father and make him hate him because of what he did to ME. NO. It's not about the adults and what happened during the marriage.
It is about that you have a child or children that still love their mother and father. Both parents should openly encourage their children to love the other parent. Both parents should put aside any personal issues/resentments/dramas/traumas/anger/hatred/etc and let the children have a relationship with their mother and father. Adultery or otherwise.
If the mother put aside her anger over what her ex did to her, the then toddlers would now be teens who still had a relationship with their father. Instead they know the incident and details like a blueprint. It is not right and not healthy.
huh, per OP, the stepkids said they do not want to be part of OP
they said they do not want to be part of OPs life. Cant he arrange to see them outside of the house?
Yeah they hate OP...where do
Yeah they hate OP...where do you think that hate stems from? Again they were about 5, 3 and 2 when all of this went down. BM could have handled this in an adult, neutral way so that their children grew up in two loving homes. Instead they've had their heads stuffed with hatred and resentment for a decade. So much so that they hate OP and the innocent 6 year old half sister.
I could do this - plant facts and resentments into my own DS18's head for the last 7 years or so. ExH does for his fiancee what he never did for me. Works, makes money, pays bills. great parent...ya know, acts like a responsible adult and parent. NEVER did that for me. I could have been telling DS the ins and outs of how horrible exH was to me. How could he be so good to fiancee and not to me. She doesn't deserve to have all the good treatment while I was used and abused.
On and on it could go. Then my DS would start to resent her and could do similar to what OP's skids are doing right now. Children will choose their parents over partners, of course they will. I could feed his head so that, in the end, he'd resent his SM like crazy. What do I do instead? Tell him that your dad is a good father to you and what happened between us is our issues, not his. You must respect your SM at the minimum. She is actually a lovely woman so there really aren't any issues.
I abhor cheating. I would leave DH in a second. HOWEVER I hate the fact that adults cannot separate their adult issues and leave the children to grow up loving both parents freely and without demands/conditions/hatred/ultimatums/resentment/punishment towards half siblings.
Also OP's daughter is 6...not
Also OP's daughter is 6...not 16.
I feel sorry for the kids
I feel sorry for the kids.
They are caught up in and victims of selfish stupid adults - who want the kids "to get over it".
What right does anyone have to tell the kids to get over it?
OP whores around with a married man in an adulterous relationship, wrecking someone's marriage.
Married man - DH - makes a bad decision to whore around himself, commit adultery and dump his children and wife to start a family with someone else.
BM doesn't "let go" of her anger after being dumped for a new piece of nookie and drags kids into her collapsed marriage wreckage, to the point where the kids think they can set ultimatums for adults and wreck another marriage, with supposed forgiveness as a prize.
WT - ever loving -F?!!
All of these people made bad decisions and continue to make them.
OP is better off without her H as it was a matter of time before he dumped her too.
"If he cheats with you, he is bound to cheat on you" - so OP its either another woman now or his commitment to someone else comes before his current wife and kid.
His commitment to you - OP - and your affair came before his first wife and kids, why did you not think you were going to end up in the same boat?
He is now choosing to commit to his first set of kids instead of his wife and her children.
See the pattern of history on repeat?
Your H is at least a two time loser.
You are probably better off without him.
Attitudes here may be somewhat lax on adulterers and people who wreck others relationships, but not from me.
They get what they deserve - smashed by the karma train.
I see this far too few times to have an ounce of sympathy - for any one other than the first wife's kids.
So my advice to you OP is get a good lawyer.
Question. It was my
Question. It was my understanding reading your first blog, that the last 11 years had been 'ok' (perhaps not smooth, but tolerable) up until you and Dad took BM to court because she was dropping the kids off during non-parenting time.
If I understood this situation is correctly, I can't really blame the kids from being so angry at you. And yes, while very unfortunate for you daughter, you sat the little girl up to be highly resented by her brothers.
Wasnt clear to me
When OPs DH went back to court over the dropping off, and if and when the stepkids found out, was not clear when this happened, but yes if they found out, I can see their feeling terrible. Not certain what could be done now.
I am soooo sorry! (((HUGS)))
OMG, no words.
Praying for you & DD...
Wow!
Sorry, but you asked for this getting involved with a married man. Hind sight is 20/20, but I find it hard to feel sorry for someone who is a homewrecker. Sounds like the karma train made it's rounds 11 years later. I do, however, feel sorry for all of the children involved in this mess.
Jesus
who p!ssed in your cheerios? That's mean as f*ck especially to someone who is hurting.
What can I say?! The truth
What can I say?! The truth hurts.
Diplomacy
and truth can go hand in hand. There are people in my new area who go out dressed like they woke up naked and hungover at a homeless shelter. I COULD behonest with them but what's the point of being so overtly honest as to be cruel? OP didntcmehere for a second helping of vindictiveness. She needs advice howto weather this storm the best way possible for her daughter.
This was me being diplomatic.
This was me being diplomatic. There is no shame in telling it like it is. What's the use in sugar coating it when it's still cold and hard going down? Unless those people are asking you for advice on how they dressed, you shouldn't say anything to them and let them go about their day. It's really none of your business. If they asked you how they look, that's a different story. I don't really care to argue with you. I wrote my comment and I stand by it.
sorry
Did OP ask for judgement on her past behavior?
Exactly.
Exactly.
I feel bad for all of the kids ( and BM).
It's normal for a hurt person to want to hurt the person that hurt them. Some folks will let things go after time. But others hold on until they get their revenge.
The women hurt each other and neither cared about how their actions would impact the other's kid/ kids.
Healtby people don't plot
Healthy people don't plot revenge for the rest of their lives. That poisons them, too.
Perhaps
Perhaps
Healthy people people don't have affairs with married men.
Maybe she was really young
Maybe she was really young and made an honest mistake. It seems as though she feels pretty badly about it. It takes character to admit you were wrong about something and do what it takes to either learn from that or try to make things right. Some people don't even have the courage to risk letting other people judge them by being that forthcoming about their failings as a person. Everyone does bad things. Not everyone cheats, but they have probably done something else that another person considers to be as bad as cheating or worse.
I'm really not trying to be
I'm really not trying to be overly harsh to the poster.. but when you make an honest mistake, you do the right thing to correct it.
Like, theoretically.. you robbed a bank when you were 18..and make no attempt to make restitution even though you have "matured". It's easy for someone to say that they have grown and matured.. while they are still holding on to the very thing that they "won" long ago. In other words.. it's easier to be a gracious winner than a gracious loser.
It's easier for OP to say that she admits fault but it's in the past because she was the one that ended up with the guy.. the EX was the one who was cheated on while taking care of three very young kids/toddlers. I mean, it would take a monumental amount of reserve to not still be bitter towards your EX and the woman who (at the time) knew he was a married man with small kids. I agree, it's hard that the kids got mixed up in adult business... but in a way, it's both the parent's fault. dad for cheating and mom for allowing them access to adult topics when they were not particularly mentally able to handle it. I guess there is also the possibility the kids have heard things from others in the family as well.. it may not necessarily be the EX doing it only. Plus, the dad took their mom to court to prevent them from going to his house... that is also a bad look for dad in the kid's eyes... it really hits home that his "2nd" family is his first priority.. not them. and they may well see OP as the one who pushed for that too..making her even less likable in their eyes.
The one who is really getting the shortest end of the stick is her poor daughter.
How about
you counter with him moving out of the marital home and filing for a trial separation while you both seek marriage counseling. Ask him to give it a minimum of 6 months to see if the skids will soften their stance since he is working towards their terrorist demands. If they don't start acting nicer, then he has his answer about if they are jerking him around just for revenge.
Wait - so what is stopping
Wait - so what is stopping your daughter, at the age of 16, making the same demands?
Dad I wont be part of your life if you don't get back together with mom. Or dad I wont see you if you don't give me more attention that you do to my brothers.
First, your DH is spineless. He didnt face his wife and instead had an affair. People don't have affairs in happy marriages so he knew prior to that it wasn't working. And he took the easy way out.
Now he wont stand up to his children and defend his choice. And his relationship and his other child.
And the spineless weasel has now chosen divorce rather than be an adult.
If I were you I would chalk this up to a very bad mistake. Get the divorce and run as far away from this dysfunction as possible. But don't do it easily. File for separation and child support and custody at the same time. Use his current situation with his children and their poison to only allow limited visitation. And do not leave the marital property until you file for divorce and spousal support and all is settled. Then RUN!
Perfect
yes, do this immediately for you and your daughter
I would tell him to leave
I would tell him to leave this weekend.
What about your daughter?
I'm confused. Is he planning on being done with her as well? Or are his sons saying as long as he divorces you, they will accept her?
I read it as him saying they
I read it as him saying they will never accept her, either.
So crazy to let children dictate who you are married to.
It's ridiculous
It's ridiculous
I understand your husband's
I understand your husband's kids are hurting. It's terrible that their parents relationship ended in the way it did, however I think the way everything is being handled now is awful. I don't know if your husband has apologized to his ex wife and tried to make amends but that might be a good step in the right direction. He can set a good example to his sons but showing them he can own up to his mistakes. Divorcing you in my opinion is taking two steps backwards. You are now his wife and he made vows to you. He would be doing the wrong thing again by leaving you and your young daughter. He needs to own his choice of being with you to his sons. Obviously you didn't do the right thing either by involving yourself with a married man, but ultimately it was your husband's choice to cheat on her. If it wasn't you it might have been with another woman. Their marriage was bad ( or maybe it wasn't some people can't be monogamous) but either way your husband needs to take responsibility for the destruction of the family to his kids. That is on him. He could have turned you down. Now he doesn't want to accept that this situation was his own doing? So its okay to break up another family? I wouldn't fight him on his desire for a divorce. Let it go. He doesn't seem to be a man of much character. I know it's not as simple as that and you have a daughter together and you love him, but he needs to realize how wrong he is on his own without you telling him so.
DH was the one cheating on his family.
Kids never respect OP, That the way they feel. Nothing wrong with that. OP was not going to take care of kids who did not respect or listen to her. She did not want kids dropped off anything BM has something up her a**. And kids giving her a hard time all day, all weekend.
All of this is is her DH doing. Now he doesn’t like what happing . After he pays CS to BM 1 and BM 2 he will be lucky to live in a cardboard box. His kids will not like that either.
Every body has a picture of what there “ Happy Family “ should be like. His kids miss there happy family. Family going to Disney, family going to amusement parks, They don’t realize just because a family goes to Disney there are happy. DH picture of his Happy Family will never be. He screwed up the first one and now screwing up the second.
First BM has cause to be angry, she had kids with him and he left her. She is not going to let her anger go, she will spend the rest of her life screwing around with DH. If DH leaves OP she will be angry also. This guy is a first class loser
Harry you on point with
Harry you on point with everything you wrote.
Revenge and remorse
BM's revenge has played out, but it is far from over. Studies indicate that the most vengeful people are those motivated by power, authority and the desire for status...BM. She will not lose face so she has kept EVERYONE stuck in the past. Rather than allowing closure, BM's revenge has kept the wound open and fresh for everyone.
The "collective" revenge from the sons is the constant salt in wound. Their shared identity with BM disposes them to take the "affair" injury as their own. Rather than living their lives in the present, the affair has become the ONE important and self-defining act that wraps around everyone's thinking. It has strangled any positive recourse. You are caught in destructive contagion that has been years in the making and your DH doesn't sound like he has the backbone to go to battle with BM and sons. He's an asshat that's going to leave you wounded in the open battlefield with your daughter in tow.
You fell in love with a married man without considering the repercussions and yes, that was a mistake. Learn from this. Your DH hasn't learned a damn thing...either have the sons or BM. Do not allow yourself and your daughter to be swept up in this vengeful hate.
Wishing you clarity and feeling heavy-hearted for you.....
Im sorry this is happening
I think that, although it really hurts now, this might all be for the best. You will find someone who will be a better partner to you, who will be more committed to you. Take everyones advice - do the counseling, lawyer up, stay in the home until divorce is final.
Your poor little girl deserves better than this life.
Prayers for you and her.
I am so sorry that this is
I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
My only advice to accept it and find a way to move on.
Forgive yourself for how your relationship started. Work on being the best mother you can be to your daughter and let go of any resentment you have against your husband and his sons. Don't hold onto anger or what you think is right. Let it all go and move on. You'll be happier and so will your daughter.
You may think that the SSs have won but they haven't. They will never have the relationship they want with him or the one they think they can have. Years of anger and resentment don't just go away because someone does what you think you wanted. All he's done is shown them that they control his life. He won't be happy either and once he realizes this, it will be too late. Hopefully, he can salvage a realtionship with the daughter the two of you have.
I'm sorry this is happening
I'm sorry this is happening to your innocent daughter. If I were in your shoes, I would just cut my losses and do the best I could for my child. Get a good lawyer and protect yourself and your daughter.
Your husband is a low character individual. I suspect, if he's telling you the truth and this truly is about his sons, that he will find himself alone, without you, without his daughter and without his sons.
There is too much selfishness and hurt involved in this situation (by all of the adults involved, it seems) for it to end well. Just try to protect your child and move on.
I feel very sad for all of
I feel very sad for all of you-well except your dh to be honest. Can you guys try some intensive counseling before agreeing to yet ANOTHER family torn. NO I don't believe in it being karma for you. YOU did not cheat on your spouse. And I always take the cheating as a SYMPTOM of a broken marriage, not the reason it breaks. In 99pct of the cases it's because of failure of BOTH adults in giving proper to the marriage. Some just do it habitual/or serial cheaters for the thrill-but in majority of cases the 'victim' is not w/out blame. She/he neglected something in some way - cheating isn't the only way to break marriage vows and by far it's not the 'worst' sin. There are women/men that emotionally neglect their spouses and keep them in despair for years. NO this wans't my case or in my or my SO marriages-our marriages broke up for different reasons entirely. I've just been around long enough to know and seen so many marriages like this. A marriage failing mostly takes both destroying it.
DH might have a new girlfriend now.
DH might have a new girlfriend now and you might be left with a child to raise alone like the previous wife when he dumped her for you. Your daughter will hurt the same as his sons have. It's sad but it happens.
I doubt his sons will ever respect you. Did you respect the marriage of their parents or ever think what they would have go to through?
This is not be be cruel, but to point out that even years later actions have consequences. Will you be the ex that says you don't want his child support?
Your daughter is really innocent in all of this but your hubby is really the common dominator in all this hurt and bullshit.
It really sounds like another woman is in the picture, so you might want to get your finances and financial future in order.