You are here

New to this gig...

stepmonsterhasarose's picture

Submitted by stepmonsterhasarose on Mon, 01/07/2019 - 6:17pm

It feels strange to me to be reaching out on a subject (parenting) that I have done for years, but this SM gig has me seeing all sorts of colors, red with resentment, blue with depression and in the far off distance pure light of freedom, it seems as if lately I am headed towards that freedom light. I have browesd and I can say I am so thankful that I am not the only one who is struggling. 

I have raised my kids and I now have three grandchildren, ( Im not that old). 47 year old who married not even a year ago a 41 year old who has 4 kids. 3 with ex wife and 1 with a "lets hookup and play" gal. So bio mom #1, recovering drug addict, dad has had kids for almost three years now fulltime, a year and a  half with me in the picture. Mom is sober and "trying" but continues to be a horrible mom, but a good person. Mom #2, once dad started dating and taking this relationship to a different level, she withheld his daughter from him, he is currently in a battle for visitation, making mom #2 a good mom, but a horrible person.

Enters me, I have been around the block ( in the sense of parenting) and I am a resourceful and intuitive person, so it did take long for me to realize that these kids come from trauma and have had no real childhood. Dad divorced mom early on and in his freedom he struggled to maintain what they needed and well mom....just plain dived into drugs. Thankfully dad got his poop in a group and got his kids.  I have no jealousies, I don't lack self confidence. I am a strong woman, raised my own kids after their father committed suicide. We have done more than survive, successfully but not with out a whole ton of heart ache, fighting, dedication and wine. 

So why come here and put it all out there? Because I am feeling like I am going to break, run or become an angry resentful step monster. I just need friends. Commonality, people who empathize and don't have all these expectations that just because we chose to be doesn't mean we are good at it or enjoy it. I want to feel normal. Give me what you can or want. Advice, humor, compassion and I will try to return it as well. 

HELP!!!!!

 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 01/07/2019 - 6:42pm

I've found that cougaring isn't all its cracked up to be.  I'm 58 and my oldest is approaching 40 yrs old, youngest is 31.  I'm twice divorced and was a true single parent and received no child support.

My SO is 50.  His brats for the lack of a better word are 22, 20 and 16.  Because this is NY he's still paying through the nose for the last two who he hasn't seen in a decade because of his rotten ex.

Read the many blogs here for great advice.

Chmmy's picture

Submitted by Chmmy on Tue, 01/08/2019 - 5:40am

True single parents rock! Please let me be a single parent with 40,000+/year CS and a dad who takes them a third of the month and pays for activities, school, medical and essentials like clothes and shoes. Thats what DH did for BM and she still couldnt make it.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 01/07/2019 - 6:39pm

Well, I can only say one thing: I think BM #1 is a good mom, because she knows her kids should be with their father and doesn't fight that.  BM #2 is a bad mom, because she damages her kid's relationship with the father, which is abusive. Just because you have your kids with you, doesn't mean you are a good mom.

 

 

RiverLark's picture

Submitted by RiverLark on Mon, 01/07/2019 - 7:20pm

I'm new here too and heavily relate to just needing some people who understand what being a step mom is like to talk to. I have no bio kids. My husband is late 30's and I'm early 40's so I can relate to that part of things! Hopefully we can support each other here! 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Submitted by dysfunctionally... on Mon, 01/07/2019 - 7:32pm

Welcome! This is a great place for resources or just to vent. You will get a lot of understanding, non-judgemental responses. And some that just plain stink - skip those!

Step life is hard work, even for seasoned parents! 

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Tue, 01/08/2019 - 5:32am

Hi and welcome to the site- I've been here for almost two years (although I changed my profile because I felt my initial name wasn't secure).

Like so many women (and some men) on here I thought I too had been around the block and felt confident that I could handle my skids, who were roughly the same age as my kids and (quite a mistake on my part), I thought were 'grown-up.'

Although at the time I knew TheX was a very different sort of parent to me, we had a great relationship and the first few years I was blissfully happy.

Realising that I was a step mum, because up until a few years in I didn't see that I was at all- I rather foolishly believed my skids could get to know me as another adult who loved their dad and wanted the best for him. They never saw me as a person at all, especially OSD who just had no clue what to do with me because I wasn't, and never would be, within her circle of control.

When I found this site I had become a person I did not recognise- I was anxious, depressed and questioning my self worth all the time. I felt a complete failure with not handling these people in the same way I handled most people. But, steplife is different, and that is why just constantly off-loading onto close friends and family just wasn't working- I felt like I did nothing but moan about my skids and well, they just didn't get it.

That's why finding this site changed the game-I realised it wasn't my failure but a common symptom of marrying men who just cannot let go of the baggage of their past, and then hand it over to you to carry with him quite unaware of what it  is doing to you.

I sum up my present position (almost a year since I 'escaped),' as total freedom. It is a very precious thing now at a time in my life when I am really ready to embrace it.

I thought because of my age and circumstances that I was trapped- now I realise I had trapped myself, I took the run to freedom and have never looked back.

rozzann's picture

Submitted by rozzann on Tue, 01/08/2019 - 8:56am

Best of luck to you and hopefully the site gives you insight, help and a great release of pent up frustration and depressing realizations.  Welcome to stephell.....

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Tue, 01/08/2019 - 11:00am

Welcome! It helps to get out the frustration here. My SO thinks all people do on this site (he doesn't actually know about this site in particular, just that there are "SM sites") is talk about how hard Step-life is (kind of true), but we also learn how to deal with things and handle situations better than I may have otherwise. The advice helps, and it helps THEM too, otherwise they would just be dealing with raging, angry bitches who don't know how to handle things. lol.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Submitted by Myss.Tique D'Off on Wed, 01/09/2019 - 6:22am

Welcome to StepTalk.
I loved your good humoured post and it so reminds me of when I joined...

First thing, you can be the world's best parent, but nothing - and I mean nothing - is going to prepare you for stepparenting when you are experiencing it first hand... Everything normal goes out the window. Your world feels like a group of space aliens dropped off their dysfunctional crew ... and are never coming back to this planet to collect them.

Stepparenting changed my world to may WTF moments... Stick around and post. There is much to learn and share. This site save my sanity and changed my life. That is NO exaggeration!
Yeah, there are good and bad posters, great advice and shockingly stupid musings too... All of us struggling with the same thing: step life.  So take what works for you and junk the rest.