Advice about School bus
SD14 frequently misses the bus to school. We live rurally. Her school is about a ten minute drive away.
SD11 never misses the bus unless we have planned in advance for her to get a drive. She wakes herself up, often before I wake her, and cheerfully gets ready for school. SD14 is often extremely surley in the mornings and has instigated huge fights with me about her missing the bus. It's been an issue since we moved here. One morning I asked if she was going to make the bus and she said "we'll see" in such a snarky tone that I took her phone and said she'd get it back when she caught the bus.
We have the kids EOW. SD BM drives her to school every day. In fact I'm not sure that BM doesn't hold her fork for her while she eats. Last night she brought over a huge bag of brand new makeup for SD15, unannounced.
anyway, I digress.
Nagging hasn't worked for me in the past, so my new strategy is to pop my head in when she's supposed to be up, check to make sure she actually got up about 15 minutes later, pop in on her when it's almost time to leave and then leave it. Now that I'm typing this, that's too many times. So I'll modify that. Here's my question: What do I do when she misses the bus? (at least 5/10 times and that's being generous) I've considered driving her but making her late, because that embarasses her. I would like to just not drive her at all but it seem stupid when I'm home and not doing anything, also she's just ask FIL who lives with us, or the enabling BM will have to do it.
TL/DR - SD14 always misses the bus. Strategy for when she misses it?
If FIL still drives, let him
If FIL still drives, let him do it.
If it were your own child, I'd come up with some ideas, but in this case, if you get tough on her, DH, BM and FIL will all come down on you, so take the path of least resistance and have her ask FIL or BM for a ride. Then you don't have to be resentful that you have to do it, but you don't have to fight with the other 3 parties, either.
FIL has a great truck and he
FIL has a great truck and he's not very old. Sometimes I feel like I should just drive her. I feel like I get stuck between being the bad guy and the doormat.
There was a time, in the
There was a time, in the beginning, that I did mornings. And skids would give me a hard time. Wouldn't get up, or dressed and just flat out made it a nightmare.
Well I refused to do it. SO was forced to stay home or skids went back to HCBM the night before. And I didn't feel bad one bit!
Your DH needs to fix this, not you. If he decides FIL will drive skid to school then so be it. If he wants to stay home well that's fine too. But it isn't your responsibility.
But make it known your frustration. "DH while I don't mind taking care of mornings, I do mind SD not keeping to her schedule. And I refuse to cater that any longer. How do you want to handle the bus situation and that does not include me driving her?"
Put it back on the parent!
^^^
^^^
This, I experienced this as well. Then stopped. Got each SD an alarm clock and told DH I was done.
There was a time, in the
There was a time, in the beginning, that I did mornings. And skids would give me a hard time. Wouldn't get up, or dressed and just flat out made it a nightmare.
Well I refused to do it. SO was forced to stay home or skids went back to HCBM the night before. And I didn't feel bad one bit!
Your DH needs to fix this, not you. If he decides FIL will drive skid to school then so be it. If he wants to stay home well that's fine too. But it isn't your responsibility.
But make it known your frustration. "DH while I don't mind taking care of mornings, I do mind SD not keeping to her schedule. And I refuse to cater that any longer. How do you want to handle the bus situation and that does not include me driving her?"
Put it back on the parent!
I think the best solution is
I think the best solution is to tald with her dad and ask him how he thinks the situation can be changed.
" DH, I don't mind helping to get the kids off to school in the morning, but I am really having a lot of issues with getting SD14 ready and out the door on time for her to catch the bus. She doesn't seem to be worried about missing it because she expects that I or someone else will just drive her like her mother does. I really think that she needs to learn how to get herself up and to school on time by catching the bus.. not relying on others to save her. She is missing the bus, maybe intentionally at least half the time. I have tried to keep her on track, but it hasn't worked. What do you want to do about it because at this point, I am not interested in having to do last minute runs to school all the time... so the solution will not involve me driving her because she has gotten used to the fact that someone will."
I agree with you and the
I agree with you and the poster above - ask DH what his preference is on how to handle it.
I MIGHT agree to be alone with them in the morning if they are good about getting up to go to school on their own, but not if they are going to be difficult about it.
I have a teenager at home too
I have a teenager at home too that has issues waking up. I give one gentle- Time to wake up. If he isn't up in 15 mins (as I am walking out the door to work) he gets the lights flipped on, door busted open "Get your a$$ out of bed NOW!" and I leave. He hasn't missed the bus once. He knows that if I have to leave work to take him to school he is dead. There would be no end to his punnishments. Chores forever, no TV, no games, no cell phone. NOTHING. He would be lucky to keep his good/expensive shoes (I don't know why boys are obessed with sneakers).
Another idea that might help-
Another idea that might help- Is don't take her to school. Instead she can be your slave for the day. In fact, make a list of all the chores that will be done if she misses the bus again and have your DH agree that this will be the path taken. So, not only will she have an unexcused absense to deal with but a massive amount of cleaning for the day.
I would think one day of that and she won't make that mistake again.
This is all great advice,
This is all great advice, thank you
I'm a part time SAHM and my partner doesn't support me, I work half the year and we share finances. It evens out.
Yes, I agree with all of these! I think one of the issues here is that I DGAF if she misses school or not - BUT if she stays home, she will be very hateful to me. (She isn't always hateful, but like most teens she'll turn on a dime and it turns into a big I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE WAH WAH festival) so then I'm stuck with her all day. The chores ideas are awesome in theory but how do you make a 14 year old do something she won't do? Her contribution to the household is minimal at best, nonexistant most of the time. She doesn't listen to me (or anyone) and any progress we make with rules is instantly negated by BM doing everything for her.
I also have these perfect "if she were my kid" scenerios in my head, but the fact is that I remember putting my own mom through absolute living hell in the mornings. So I guess in a way it's Karma. I apologize to my mom a lot these days.
I think having a frank conversation with DH first , and letting him know I plan to leave before her bus comes is a great idea. So that's what I'm going to try next time they are here. Wake her up, tell her I'm leaving, then go walk the dog. SD11's bus comes first so this will work perfectly. If she misses the bus then it's not my problem. I'll try it on a day that DH isn't working nights, otherwise I put the task on him and that feels unfair. I know, she's his kid, but he works insane hours and drives 90 minutes home from work. I would never not drive her on the days he has worked the night before, too mean to him and also unsafe.
If she doesn't help, help her
If she doesn't help, help her help. I would start by removing all the clothes in her room. She gets one sweatshirt, one pair of jeans, one pair of shoes and one set of under garments.
No TV in her room, no cell phone, no computer, WIFI password changed.
I will be damned if a Teenager will control anything in my house.
Just remember that the point
Just remember that the point is that DH needs to put consequences in place for her missing the bus if you are not going to make him drive her. DH should feel enough incentive (i.e. having to drive her to school after working long hours) to bring the pain to SD for missing the bus. Bottom line, he needs to correct this situation. If he does, you won't have to worry about DH driving SD to school after working long hours because it will be taken care of. I'm sure he can find plenty of motivation for her- taking her phone away, taking wifi away, doing chores. Things that HE will enforce.
Disengage.....
Develop a morning routine that doesn't involve the kids---go to the gym, go for a walk, do yoga in the basement, whatever. Wake her up once then go about your morning. If she is late, she will have to cope--not everyone is a morning person but she will have to figure it out. If she chooses to stay home, do not write her a note, make her do chores--nothing fun. 14 is wayyyyy old enough to be getting up and ready without you holding her hand
My SS-26 was pretty good
My SS-26 was pretty good about getting up and catching the bus at that age and through his Sophomore year of HS. He did miss the bus occassionally. When that happened he had a choice. Run his ass off to catch the bus at a later bus stop. This required a hell bent run through the woods between our neighborhood and the next to get ahead of the bus and get on with some of his friends in the next neighborhood over.... or .... a 4-5 mile hike to school. We did not drive him. Neither did anyone else.
With your SD... would say that the door gets locked when she walks out of it in the AM and she does not get back in until her normal get off the bus time at the end of the day. A 10min car ride is likely about an hour hike. Make her hike. If she is embarrassed by being late she will be mortified to run into school hot, sweaty, dirty from a sevreal mile hike because she missed the bus.
My SS did not have a miss bus problem his Jr. and Sr. year. He was Military School. They made sure that there were no issues with his being late for class. And... he spent plenty of time marching his butt off.
Accountability works.
And wildstang's suggestion of a pitcher of ice water is absolutely effective. I know... it worked on me when I refused to get out of bed for school. And my mother had way too much fun doing it.
As I recall you work away
As I recall you work away from home part of the year. Let whatever happens when you are not around happen. If FIL drives her, let him drive her. If she stays home, let her stay home. Let Dad deliver consequences when school calls about attendance or FIL decides to stop being chauffeur.
I love all the advice about
I love all the advice about dire consequences but honestly, none of it would work in our household. I'm not willing to be the evil one. I'm going to suggest we make a rule that if she misses the bus she loses her phone for the day.
It's hard to not chose the path of least resistance! Especially because she has absolutly no qualms about ruining the entire households mood just because she doesn't want to do something. We've been in such a fragile state lately as a family that holding on to happy moods feels so precious.
But unproductive. So my plan is - leave the house before it's bus time, or take her phone. I only have to deal with this a few days a week so I just have to make sure DH is on board. Maybe just leaving is best option.
Make it that she looses her
Make it that she looses her phone and all screen time (Tablets, computer, TV) for a month per infraction and the phone punishment method might work. But don't hold your breath.
The only thing that works IMHO is when you tune up the state of abject misery that a teen experiences until they comply with behavioral standards. Eventually the level of unpleasant existance will drive behavioral compliance. When they step out of line the next time... lather, rinse, repeat.
Eventually they learn that non compliance delivers misery, compliance delivers a tolerable existance, exceding behavioral expectations delivers a moderate level of enjoyment.
Keep it simple, stay the course. It works.
Dad needs to make sure his
Dad needs to make sure his daughter is up and out the door to met the bus. You don't.
Absolutely pitch in IF there is an emergency with his work---if he is called in early or something like that.
DH is at work long before the
DH is at work long before the bus leaves for a few days a week. So it’s not an option. When he’s here I don’t even get up with them in the morning.