I'm the direct sort - I'd just say, huh, interesting. Well, given how she's treated me, I don't exactly feel like helping her out.

BUT, I have to say, I would not play nice-nice with my DH if he asked me to try to repair a relationship that I DIDN'T BREAK, with his entitled spawn . I wouldn't be dancing around the issue like you are.

So - why are you afraid to tell DH how you feel? That he enables his daughter to treat you badly, and while you appreciate he wants to see his grandchild, you aren't going to apologize for things you never did. And that since you've been disengaged for many years, you can't possibly be the problem. Therefore, he needs to man up and tell his daughter that you aren't to blame and he'd love to have a relationship with her and grandkid, but not at your expense. So there will be no apology coming from you, and she can take that or leave that.

I would tell my relative what i really think of this little girl. Im honest with my family about my skids and since we all love DH we tolerate them but certainly dont trust them or do them any favors that would require sticking oir neck out and getting someone a job is sticking her neck for your skid who treats you like crap

Madam,  It sounds like you are upset because someone with whom you have at best a distant and difficult relationship wants to use you to get a job.  Your SD has called you horrible and blames your for what are essentially her problems.  Your SD takes no responsibility for herself and enlists your DH to fix her messes, which in turn cause problems in your marriage.  Would you want to hire this immature, spoiled brat with anger issues?  Could you recommend anyone hiring her, especially a close relative? Your DH needs to be informed that it is inappropriate for your SD to approach you or any of your family for any favours, given her current and past behaviours, and her apparent inability to deal with you in a respectful and mature manner.

I wouldn't want my name and reputation attached to the recommendation of a tantrum-throwing bish like her, no way.

You're not good enough for her but she wants a favor from you.  Wtf.

You are angry because SD is inserting herself into your family and your close relationships because she wants something for herself and she is STILL unwilling to acknowledge you. She's made it plain that she has no use for you, yet she is using you.

I'd be on the phone to my relative. You will be blamed anyway if SD doesn't get the job she wants in the company she's identified, so you might as well make sure your relative has the whole picture.

You are pissed because you are expected to say nice things about someone who has never said anything nice to you or about you.   

My perspective would be to call the close relative (before you go home) and inform give an honest opinion of the girl.  If she is a drama queen who leans toward manipulation - so be it.  If you think she is a hard working, smart employee, pass that on also.  Once you get home, inform you DH that you already called and given the relative the heads up for the application and the reference (a bad reference is still a reference).  

If DH asks what you said, tell him that it is none of his business, references are your personal opinion and he is not entitled to insert his opinion of his dd into your reference.  

You are approaching this wrong (in my opinion).  When someone hates your guts you just remove that person from your life.  Totally.  If you happen to be in her vicinity at a function (which by the way should NEVER be in your home) you nod at most and avoid her.

And then you need to tell your DH to STOP talking to you about her.  This is HIS daughter and his relationship with her should not be your responsibility in any way shape or form.  There's no need for her name to ever even cross your lips again.   You should not forbid your DH from seeing her - but he should never dump plans or holidays with you to go see her.

I am living this, and it works beautifully.  My husband has a son who has lived with his "fiance" for about 4 years and they have a 3 year old child.  I have 100% banned them from my life.  They absolutely unconditionally do not exist as far as I am concerned.  I truly do not hate them (although I do think they are horrible people).  I don't care if they have a great life or if they drop dead.   Those two are just people that I happened to know in the past.

My DH is free to see and talk to his son.  But he also knows better than to come tell me stuff about them or what they say about me.  It took a little bit - but when I do hear something it does NOT help.  For example - after they entered our home while we were on vacation, ransacked it, and helped themselves to $100s worth of our (mostly my) belongings - they NEVER once apologized.  And the only message I ever received 2nd hand at that was that "I need to get over it."

It was sometimes tempting to tell them what disgusting POSs they are - but I abstain.  For my part I do not go on about how worthless and horrible they are.  Today at lunch my friend was telling me about how her next door neighbors (who I also know) fired their housekeeper who was drinking their booze.  They marked the bottle before she arrived and checked it as she was leaving.  My friend said maybe she was emptying it into another container to take home.  I just repressed my desire to say "Yes maybe that's what SS did as FIVE 1.7 litre unopened bottles were emptied down to one inch".  But to be kind to my DH (who was with us) I said nothing.   I  just tell my DH to keep them away from me - I do not add the narrative as to why they are so horrible.

Now as to your SD wanting a job with a company your relative works - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just send your relative a simple text (or more if you want) that you absolutely do not recommend her.  As a person who worked in a  corporate environment for decades you are not doing anyone any favors by letting someone hire a potential problem.  I don't think you should go into details about how she treated you.  Just - a simple "she is not someone that I think you should consider" is sufficient.  If they then decide to hire her - then that is on them.

Your contact, she calls you.  DH needs to vector his toxic crotch twinky to you if she wants to engage  your network to beg for a job.

IMHO of course.

What would bother me in this situation is the fact that your DH allows his daughter to disrespect you and then expects you to do a favor for her. Even using your contacts without involving you, is you doing her a favor. He should have told her that if she wanted you to help her out, by reaching out to your relative, then maybe she should have treated you better. He seems like he's an enabler and a guilty dad. Now he's dragging you into this to help his "precious little princess." 

Putting aside your SD's venom for you, is she good at what she does?  Would she be a good employee?  If not, I'd tell my husband that under no circumstances could I recommend her, so there will be no phone call to the relative.  And if he makes one anyway, you need to follow up with your relative to let him/her know that you are NOT recommending SD.  If yes, then I'd stick to my guns and tell DH that she needs to ask YOU, not him.  And if he goes around you by calling the relative directly, I'd probably follow up with a call to tell them that while you have no reason to think she wouldn't be a good employee, she's a horrible person who treats you badly and that is why the call came from your husband instead of you.  I would not put myself on the line to help someone who has treated you terribly unless she gives you a reason to do so (i.e., offering an apology, treating you better, etc.)

It sounds like it is unanimous.  Tell DH to deal with SD on his own, he can visit her any time except important together time, you do not owe her an apology or anything else, and be sure to call the relative and let them know how you feel about her.  If she is as immature and selfish as she sounds, you would be doing your relative a favor by giving them a 'heads up'.  Then, continue on with disengagement - including not listening to anything to do with SD.  She doesn't deserve your attention or time.  Your DH is, like mine, afraid of confrontation or rejection from SD, and caters to her at your personal expense.  That is his choice but there are consequences - and he should be aware of it.

My ss wants to spend holidays next year at my family home in my country. This 20yr old ss is tthe most laziest, self centred, can’t give a shit about anyone, has not acknowledged me and our 2 kids with his dad and ignores me. Life at home with him is so uncomfortable and unbearable and he claims he’s so stressed to be a basic human being with basic manners and respect

now i have lived over 4 yrs like this, going back to my country to visit my dad every year is heaven and time to just destress, now ss wants to enjoy staying at my family home with the same behaviour and character (in my dads home) because i come from a first world country while he and hubby are from an asian country.

that to me was ss trying to benefit off me when he has never been cordial or respectful or decent from day 1. I shut that down real quick...

i totally get you saying she should have the decency to come to you. If i were you i’d tell your relative to tell you of she or hubby calls asking for a favour, then tell him in advance all her typical character traits and if she’s not suitable for the job, she shouldn’t have the nerve asking for favours

most bosses can pick up people who have a bad work ethic or character issues

It's like the G20 summit of step life. <just read the Wall Steet Justification so my mind is on concessions> Anyway, to concede or not to concede?  Because of your history and emotional entaglements in this step drama, it seems best to approach the situation with DH from an unemotional, business stance.  You have some obscurity of feelings for SD so take a stand if your are disengaged and stick to it.  You are allowing yourself to get tossed back into the volley because the job contact is YOUR relative - an extension of YOU. Do your really want a phoney, brown-nosing response from SD? 

Underneath your tension is probably anger at being disrespected. I wouldn't feel any different if SD wanted to borrow my car, my shoes, my earrings or my business contacts. The answer would be NO.  It's not about control. It's about trust and respect. You don't get anywhere in business by burning bridges and that is exactly what your SD has done with you. Desrespectful, manipulative, entitled people (whether they are your SD or not) who leave havoc in their wake do not get favors. They need to learn the art of bridge-building, but when daddies step in to be the structural support, the construct will collapse.

Why would you even consider opening the door - let alone providing a positive reference for anyone who may compromise your credibility?  Behavior and personalities are not limited exclusively to family drama. We are what we are despite job descriptions and titles.  

There's no return on investment here for you. DH is in the mindset of "favor for favor" with SD. He's expecting something in return and it may backfire on him. Let it be his handshake.  From what you've relayed in the post, DH has “pooled” you into situations before and you chose to oblige only to regret it.  Paving the way for princess' job softens the alienation blow for DH. Talk about brown-nosers.

DIRECTIONS:

Step One - Place the dysfunctional baggage squarely on DH's back. 

Step Two - Give "nothing" to SD – either negative or positive. 

Step Three - Allow DH to play the role of business bridge and when SD does not get the job, stand clear of the backlash. Allow shit it to hit DH in the face. 

Nepotism Disclaimer:  Family members who are involved in hiring should do so based on experience and qualifications.  "Find my niche" candidates are unlikely to be selected.

There is no way in H@LL that I would contact my relative to help that disrespectful & ungrateful SD....EVER! She can take her entitled @ss with her H and baby and never contact you again. She's only reaching out because she needs that favor. She could care less about you and respect you as a person. All she wants is that connection that only you can provide. Your H has some nerve to even think that this is ok.

I hope you don't entertain this in anyway. She doesn't deserve it and she doesn't deserve you helping her out and doing her any favors after all that's she's done.

So - another quick thought about why you're angry. 

There's this great episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David hires an assistant based on Jimmy Kimmel's recommendation...only to discover that she's terrible. He can't fire her because she has some kind of tragic, sad backstory. He confronts Kimmel and says he "foisted" this assistant on him...and Kimmel admits that's exactly what he did. 

You're looking at this situation...and your DH has ALREADY "foisted" his daughter and the responsibility for his crappy relationship with her onto you...and now together, they're trying to "foist' her onto one of your close relatives. The disfunction is spreading! 

Seriously, though. I distinctly remember this vague feeling that, in DH's mind, everything I am and anything I have is fair game if it can create an advantage for one of his kids in some way...whether I wanted to give it or not. It gets exhausting...and you end up feeling like you have nothing that's really your own and zero control or say over your own life. 

Boundaries are hard to set...but you have to do it. Quit allowing him to foist his daughter on you. She's made it very clear she's not interested in a relationship with you...and that should be the end of it. 

When it comes to considering hiring or referring someone for a job I classify them into three groups.

1. People I would hire or refer with zero concern that they will do a great job.

2. People I would hire directly if they were reporting to me but would not refer to others for  hire. (I have a few of these in my Rolodex.  People who are good at what they do and good people but have quirks that I am fully familiar with and can mange and work around but would not go over well with others.)

3. People that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I would either hire or refer to anyone, anywhere for any reason.

Nacho, Your H has a lot of balls to contact your relative and to give SD the info after you both had an agreement. Don't you see the lines they are crossing especially your H?? You both agreed that this situation has to go through you and he still dismissed what you both agreed on and did what he wanted to do anyway. He's trying to please too many people but guess what.....you are not one of them. I don't know if this is difficult for you but you have to make this a big deal and I feel he violated big time.

I'm glad your relative directed it towards you and this should only be confirmation that this dynamic is toxic and hope you DO NOT recommend SD for this job.

You are clearly not priority nor is he respecting what you think or say. Please put your foot down. This would be reason enough for me to raise H@LL.

I agree you are not the one he wants to make happy.  I would be livid and I am livid for you!  I admit I am not one that likes confrontation but in this case - I would be coming home with gloves on.

I am not as experienced as the others - it is easy to sit behind a computer and say what I would do in this situation.  I am one who needs time to calm down because I do have a bad temper and when I do blow - I can be mean, in this case I would not hold back -  hell would be raised.  He taught her that no matter what she is going to get her way and that she is above you. The fact you both agreed and he didn't have the balls to tell her that she has to go through you  - speaks volumes.  I am glad your relative told them they had to go through you.  I don't know what else to say other than I am sorry.  

***I want to clarify I don't hit -I say things I later regret.

Time to be the bigger bi!ch, Nacho. Lace up your thigh high bi!ch boots and school your H that YOU are the one he needs to make happy if he wants peace and comfort.

Manginas like your H follow the path of least resistance, and it seems as if you've allowed him and his daughter to mistake your kindness for weakness. Rain h@llfire down on him! Teach him that crossing you in order to please his daughter will always result in pain.

My DH knows that 95 percent of the time, I'm a nice person. But he's got a healthy respect for that other 5 percent, and that's what you need to instill in your man.

 Nacho...very sorry to hear how this has played out.

1. DH wanting you to make amends with SD bc of the grandbaby is selfish, not tomention him expecting your blessing on her job front. Know that this is guilt talking. It is the worst emotion to try to reverse.

2. Disengage and stay that way. You are the can of Raid, she is the roach.

3. I wouldn't call the relative, but I would deal with DH. SD will lead herself to the business guillotine. She hasn't proven very effective inthe past. With a new baby, there will be the expectation of missed days of work  (my thoughts from being on an interviewing panel), and if she's always found a way to work her way into a job, let her.(elsewhere, of course). These employers are very skilled in sniffing out the rats.

4. Any attempt on SDs behalf to make "amends" would be feigned, so what would be the point?

5. I share your disgust/concern about disrespecting your husband, as DH has a history of putting  SD first in all he does. The ring master sometiems uses hand signals to get the monkeys under control, but when these are no longer effective  he/she breaks out the whip, the monkeys seem confused at first, but through conditioned response they learn the new signal/symbol. It's time to find your "whip."

Hey, I haven’t read all of the above responses but agree with many that you need to make it clear to your DH that you are upset about the SD & his behaviour. My take on this in our current situation with a difficult SD and grandchildren is to keep a dignified silence, I simply do not respond to her nonsense. In your case if he asked me about the job I would respond with, “a professional would submit her application and be happy to accept a position on merit, qualifications and experience” and if she wasn’t game enough or polite enough to speak directly to me (in person so I could watch her squirm) I would do nothing at all to help. Good luck

Nacho, so happy that your H apologized and saw your side of it......However I do have to disagree with this:

"my sibling may be willing to help get her this job because it may help her become more independant"

^^^^^^^Whether its your sibling or not, no one in the world and not even a job can make your step daughter be or want to be independant. If I'm not mistaken SD has shown a history of being inconsistent, I promise this job will be no different. On another note I'm glad for this victory and wishing you the best.

I'm glad you were able to talk to your husband, this is always a struggle for me when it comes to my feelings about his kids. He can criticize them but if I bring up the same type issue I can feel hiim getting defensive even if he agrees with the facts. My husband would have done exactly as yours did, sending the email and getting involved. Let us know if she ends up with the job and ever acknowledges the help having a contact gave her.

This is one of those situations where you will forgive but NOT forget.  You have let DH know there will be no more promoting SD at your personal expense.  This is a boundary you must hold in place.  Don't ever allow it again.  One thing I made the mistake of doing was forgiving and then, when DH again sacrificed my personal welfare for SD's whims, there we were, reestablishing the same boundaries.  Your DH apologized - that's great.  He must also acknowledge that he will never place SD's needs above yours again.

I wouldn't even talk to DH about it because you already know it's just going to cause more her vs.you issues and do you really want her fake niceness and kow towing. The best thing you can do is let DH make his call for precious princess but first give your relative a heads up about what a wretched *B* she is and how she really treats people.  

Hades, no, you don't help her!  She's a complete loser who wants to use you now after all the hatred?!  Emphatically, no, and why not tell him why??  Also, if she's this much of a douche, she'll screw up your relationship and your reputation with the person you know at the company.  I'm so darn sick of these entitled, spoiled brat, disrespectful users.  Okay, now that I've calmed my little self down (haha, I know exactly how you feel), if you don't want to tell him what his SD is and the real reason why you WILL NOT help her, tell him something like the company isn't hiring or that you did reach out to the person you know and leave it at that.  If they never call her (heehee), they don't call her.  I only wish I could disengage like you.  My husband would never stand for that, so I just live with the IBS and anxiety when they are around, which, thank goodness, hasn't been much in quite a while!  But, like you said, that could change any moment when they need a new car, finally have that nervous breakdown, are desperate to finish that degree, or whatever else takes his money!!!  Best.

NachoQueen, do you have children with your husband?  If not, I think I'd think twice about totally banning or ignoring his nasty SD.  What binds you together?  I hate to say it, but blood truly is thicker when push comes to shove and he will shove you out one day.  Sucks, but happens all the time.    

Ignore her., she is an adult, made her bed as you are concerned.  I would never respond to  my SD57,  it is called total disengagement.

If she is like my SD she will use you, then treat you badly again.  I will never open that door again.  I am civil for DH's sake, but never engage for ANY reason.

When I'm finished, it's in my past, never again.  Wish I was more forgiving, I've tried, but the pain of the 30+ years just comes to surface.

Good luck.