"I also told my husband that if nothing changes, then my SS needs to live somewhere else, he can go live with his mother."  Stick with this and don't back down.

This is almost an identical story of what I went through with a nephew whom my Sister sent to me to straighten out his life.  No GED or graduation, drug use, trouble with the law, etc.  All sorts of promises to get a job, go to school, make something of his life.  When I picked him up at the airport, I found out he had brought his pit bull along.  Within a week all the promises were forgotten.  I was accused of abusing him because I knocked on his door at 3pm so he would let his dog out to go pee - that was ramming the door.  My Mother and Sister 'rescued' him from me.  Like you, my Mother found him a job at a bakery but he refused to work over the grease because it would affect his skin.  My Mother had him for a week before she called my Sister to come and get him.  This was in 2004.  He is now living off of a woman and dealing drugs.

I only tell you about my experience because it is SOOO close to what you went through.  You have to take a stand now.  Be prepared to be the 'heavy' for a while but I can tell you it's definitely worth it.  Odds are your SS will turn out like my Nephew.  Or maybe he will get lucky and see the light.  No matter which way he goes, his life will lead to where he points it.  Neither you or your DH will have any effect on it.  Get SS out of your home as soon as possible.  And I can guarantee he will find a way to survive.

Your SS is obviously a good for nothing freeloader, with snowflakey tendencies.  At 23, he has been an adult for a good while and needs to take responsiblity for himself.  I would give him a deadline - like 2 months - that he has to be out by then.  

half the camp say a stepparent has no right to enforce discipline (thats bio parents job), other camp says when it starts affecting your life, household, family etc you should freely be able to and ensure your hubby supports you. 

The problem you have is it doesn’t matter if you firmly say he needs to get a job in 2 months or he’s out. He can go crying to daddy and if daddy says ignore your stepmum i won’t kick you out?

i am all for that this adult is being lazy and as you say beggars can’t be choosers, its like a self entitled stepkid graduating from uni expecting to be in upper corporate management (it aint gonna happen!!) you got to work your arse off.

its important to get his dad on your side too or what you say will get dismissed as nagging. I hate lazy bums

My SD23 came to live with us.  I used my contacts to get her job interviews in the very field she wanted.  She didn’t even follow up, but preferred to hang around doing nothing or partying.

Although DH expressed frustration he did nothing.

I said get a job or you are out. You have 2 months. She left in a huff that day.

Am I the family bad guy?  Yes. Do I regret it? No.

Ultimately you have to protect your sanity.  Set rules and enforce them. This situation will continue until you do so.

Good luck.

My husband has said that if he pushes too hard, then my SS will refuse to work at all.

Hahahahahaha! What is wrong with your husband that he would give his son that much power? At that point, you should have let your husband know that you are refusing to house his lowlife son any longer. In the real world, no job, no money for rent, no place to live.

Sounds like the ex GF finally got smart!

When my SS-26 graduated from HS he had a choice. Be a full time student, work full time, or get out.  He  refused all of these options.  So... we turned him into our live in beck-and-call boy/chore bitch.  We worked that kid's ass off.  If he did each day's chores, he got to stay in the house the next day and do that day's chores. He  had ~8+hrs of work to complete each day. If he failed to complete that work by the time  his mom and I got home from work... he was left on the curb the next AM when we left for work. No money, no water, no food, no phone, nothing. Until we got home that evening. He then had to get both the previous day's work and the current day's work done before we woke up for work the next AM. And he could not wake us up while cleaning all night long.

He tested us twice in 7mos as our Chore Bitch.  Both times he was on the curb the next day.  One day was hot the second time it was chilly.  That made enough of an impression that he never again failed to do what he was told when he was told.

After 4mos of chore bitch work he enlisted in the USAF.  He remained our live in housekeeper, laundry clerk, chef, etc... until he reported for BMT 4mos after signing up for delayed entry.

Tolerate no bullshit.. and there will be no bullshit.

There seems to be a lot of these 20 something kids that think that work is beneath them and sponging off others is acceptable.  I’ve got no solution to offer, as my DH son, aged 25, has not worked in a year and thinks that most jobs, given his lack of education and skills are beneath him.  Awful, but given that SS25 mother pays all his bills, I don’t really have any say in this matter.  This must be a generational thing, as knew of no one that behaved like this when I was growing up and I also knew of no parents that would have tolerated this kind of nonsense.

Your DH is doing his son a disservice. Sometimes people get into terrible ruts and need help to get out of them. The help he needs is some tough love. GED + job or out. There's no reason he can't sign up for an online GED course today even if the course doesn't start today. There is no reason he can't be working as of this week. It's coming up to Christmas so I wouldn't kick him out now, but the deadline needs to be imposed. 60 days, 90 days, whatever you can get DH to agree to. But DH's way hasn't worked. 

I get it. I have a lazy kid. Smart, capable, but inherently LAZY. I have to impose tough love on him. It's hard. He's only 11 so I can't kick him out (and don't want to!!!) but he knows there are consequences. He's also smart enough to know where I'm exploitable, the threats I won't back up, etc etc. So you have to pick your battles. Make sure your DH picks this one. Your sanity depends on it. 

I know that I'm going to have adult kids living with me. Whether it's my son or stepsons. It's not laziness, it's the housing market. I also know my son is the one who will be the one I'll have to lay down the line on (maybe YSS...) But I'm laying down the line on all of them and planting little seeds in their heads now about what to expect if they're out of secondary school and not in full time education. 

Isn't that ALREADY the case?

I agree with a time frame. After that, you want to be an adult? Ok, but  not on my dime. Good riddance.

I realize it'll be harder than that because your DH will most likely feel the need to rescue him.

What is it with people who effortlessly want just the perfect job/pay without any sacrifices or putting forth any effort. It's as if they are saying, "Go find me a job and if it meets my desires, then I'll give it a shot."

The one poster said her SD (I believe) hasn't ever lasted beyond a 3 month probationary period without getting fired. Seriously? I've worked at jobs where there was a 3 YEAR PROBATIONARY PERIOD. She would never make it.

Good luck.

My kid was a "late summer boy".  All of  his teachers would cringe when they saw his late summer birthday and realized that he was usually the  youngest kid in their class. 

He was far more often than not also the smartest kid in class and ... when he got bored the shit would hit the fan.  The teachers loved him. He was polite, smart, engaging... but once he had them conned and wrapped around his little finger during the first grading period (always straight "A"s) he would fail just about every class the second grading period of the semester. Every semester was the same pattern.

This started in about 3rd grade and lasted through HS. 

So, when he graduated HS at 17 we gave him until the end of the summer until the day after  his 18th birthday.... then we slapped him in the face with reality.  He had to be in school, working full time or....out of our home.  He didn't want any of those options so we worked that kid's ass off.  We shut off the internet, cable, his cell phone and gave him an 8+ hour chore list to do every weekday. If he did it, he got to stay and do it again the next day. If not... we left him on the curb as we left for work the next AM.  No phone, no food, no water, nothing.  The day he figured out that he could drink out of that long green thing coiled at the corner of the house was one funny day let me tell  you.  "But dad... that water isn't bottled or filtered".  "Welcome to my childhood son!"

That kid scrubbed, polished, swept, mopped, dusted, cleaned, washed, folded, put away, trimmed, edged, weeded, mulched, mowed, scraped, painted, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked, served, cleaned up and then did it all again the next day. Or he starved, baked in the sun, froze outside and had zero say over his life.

It took a number of months but eventually he figured out that it would be nice to be paid for having your ass worked off.  He enlisted in the USAF.   7+ years later he is doing great, is in Germany for a 3 year assignment, working on his undergrad CS degree, and his mom and I are very proud of him.

IMHO all it takes is to hold these  young adults accountable and keep a boot applied to their stubborn asses.  Once they learn to that to have any joy in their life they have to actually step out and live their life.... they launch.

He knew he could go to any university in the world he wanted to go to and we would have paid for it.  He decided that he was not ready to make that effort and that it would be a waste of his time and our money.  He told us that when he graduated but ... being parents we knew what was best and bugged him to get into college. He stood his ground.  In hind site.... I am very proud of him for just telling us and not letting us pressure him into something he knew he was not ready for.

However, we would not tolerate anything less than his launching into his life.

does he have a phone?  a vehicle? how does he put gas in the car.

what is he doing for spending money? is dad giving him an allowance?

At this point.. your DH needs to have the Come to Jesus meeting with this kid.. all benefits like phone, car & insurance will be cut off in 60 days if he doesn't start paying your household $400/month for living there and covering those costs.

Not everyone has to LOVE their job.. at this point, he needs to do SOMETHING... what about talking to a military recruiter son?  What about joining the peace corps?  Doing nothing is no longer an option.. oh and your new curfew is going to be 10pm if you aren't at work... you will find the house locked and you will not be allowed inside if you don't get here by then.  Time to grow up son.

Lets hope DH nips this now because it will go on and on and on... This sounds exactly like ss34 who has quit or been fired from dozens of jobs in the last few years.  "The boss is an idiot" "I won't work a minimum wage job" "I should be a CEO by now".  These are all things skid has said. He believes he is too intelligent for most work and everything is beneath him.  After the boot from his job he always ends up on some relative or friends couch trying to freeload until he "gets back on his feet."  Now I believe he is still living with BM along with his very young gf who basically supports him.  

What kills me when I read some of these threads is how the adult skids are so immature and stunted IMO. I vividly remember busting my butt at 18 going to LPN school and working FT just to be on my own. When I graduated LPN at 19, I was thrilled with my income and actually took my Dad/SM and my own mom out to lunch on occasion or had them come to my studio apartment for lunch.  We would discuss my future endeavors. I had pride in my accomplishments, job, and my decorating skills. By 23, I had a BS degree funded by me,  and was purchasing my first little house. These threads just baffles me. If he were in his late teen or 20-21, I’d be more understanding, but 23?  Think about where your own fathers or grandfathers were  at that age. Were they being losers and freeloading? Doubt it. Losers losers losers. I guess the silver lining is at least he hasn’t procreated, good Gawd. 

This is your hubbys job to take care of. He clearly wasn’t parented very well, so I am not surprised that hubby is still so lenient. This is probably why the loser acts this way. I’d tell your husband that he needs to be out by end of summer. But but, where will he goooo?  “Perhaps The military” would be my response.