Getting real close to this is it for me!!
been married 4 years to a man who was previously divorced with 3 kids now aged sd22, ss20, sd 13. The 2 girls were kidnapped by their mum almost 6 yrs ago and only just initiated contact with their dad about 4-5 months ago and about 4-5 visits within that time (3 which i was present).
ss is the major problem and has made it so uncomfortable to live here (which i moved overseas to marry my husband). He has 4 years plus not acknowledged me or our 2 kids, they’re terrified of him and are aged 32 months (daughter) & son 18 months. When my son cried hysterically clinging to mee seeing his half brother he just laughed. It was so funny for him seeing his half sibling in distress
last week he was meant to be home from university for the weekend but because his dad told him things had to be different and no longer all day and night lock yourself in your bedroom and he is expected to participate more, he sulked like a little 4 yr old then today calls his dad crying sob story that he’s sorry but he can’t change overnight (he’s had 4 yrs to have basic manners/respect at home and adjust), and he’s in his room always doing homework/studying or sleeping. Its not computer games and he’s not wrong for doing that. So if you’ve been studying all along and your conscience is clear, why wait a week sulking when dad tells you your ignorant, rude behaviour is no longer acceptable at home and it needs to change now??
So there was no ownership from ss how he too has contributed to this fu*#ed up home environment, hubby has admitted not taking ownership of the issues and follow through and being quite lax with things. But seriously to just spend time playing with his half siblings and do some chores at home ss says he can’t change overnight, he needs time!! So 4 yrs of hubby reminding him and asking him and he needs more time.
so i asked hubby when do you put your foot down? When does there come a point that this becomes stupid and ridiculous that i tolerate and be patient?. I actually told him when we visit my dad overseas in 2 months time, me and our 2 kids won’t be flying back, i want to make sure they are settled and get into playgroups which we can’t where we live currently, my focus is on them right now to make sure they are well adjusted and its not fair that we suffer for these arrogant pricks... yup i feel my husband is a real prick right now and i told him marriages where the focus is solely on the kids and not the marriage, they don’t survive...
i told him just let your kid do whatever, this whole situation is beyond stupid and something that shouldn’t be a big deal or issue is a major thing
oh and ss is so stressed about this, my dad laughed, how can he be stressed? He’s never given a shit or cared about anyone but himself, he never does anything at home but play computer games (rare study session) and sleep. But he makes it like he’s having an anxiety attack. If he’s stressing over this kind of stuff, the real world will be a major shocker for him
There comes a point where after 4 yrs the same excuse and reasons given by them to not address these issues because absolute crap and totally not acceptable. My husband had the nerve to tell me to be patient and his son at uni is stressed about this. So me and our 2 kids being in distress at home everytime ss is around doesn’t matter? We come last? Obviously we do.
Now hubby is sulking because he sucked raising kids with ex, he can’t man up and address these issues and now because his son is sulking and won’t come home, hubby is trying to guilt me. I told them to both grow up. I’ve lost compassion for these 2 twits
I think your plan to go home
I think your plan to go home and not come back is becoming the best option- this relationship DH has with his son is not going to change and it will grind you down.
When I realised TheX didn't, and was never going to, put me first I left. It was the best thing Icould have done. Now Iknow he never did deserve me.
I am sorry for what you and
I am sorry for what you and your two tots have been going through - but I loved the way that you sounded in your post. Really confident and sure of yourself - not many of us SM's achieve this, at least not before years of angst.
Stay strong, and if you decide to follow through your plan of staying back in your home country, I'm sure it will be the right thing to do for you and your two kids. Like fairyo said, these types don't often change. I say not often, because my DH did actually man up and finally set some boundaries with his daughters - but it took 10 yrs to achieve this, and in that time I went through hell.
Thanks kes
one of my cousins in a blended relationship also said it takes 10 yrs for a blended family to fully blend. My issue today was after all the above i pointed out to hubby, he felt he’d gone the extra mile to support me and stand up for me against ss but he had the nerve to try guilt me by saying “my son doesn’t want to come home because he’s stressed about this”, i told hubby “tell your 20yr old to grow up and stop acting like a bloody 4 year old!!”
also asked hubby you talk about your precious 20 yr old wanker of a son being so stressed, what about our 2 toddlers distressed at the sight of him because their so-called half bro is a total stranger to them and all you both care about is his stress but he does nothing, no responsibility to do anything but freeload and take it easy.
My dad always said hold it out because if divorce is the way, i need to move back home with the kids and show this is their permanent home because courts will know hubby is fulltime working rarely with kids and with his work hours he would never get fulltime or part time custody because his sisters would be caring for our kids and not him.
it sucks this is how i feel right now and for a while. Homestly it was so hard to not be sarcastic with hubby and about ss and then hubby tried to play the “oh you look down on me because i’m asian”, i held back replying to that because i likely would have said “no i don’t respect you because you’re being bloody useless, irresponsible, weak and refuse to set boundaries and reasonable expectations
for a while i just kept saying to myself how low can i be to disengage and let these 2 treat me and our kids the way they do. They don’t deserve for us to be around. Plan was since my daughter will start school in a years time, that she would be in a playgroup and school back in my country because they’ve got my citizenship too but also because i’m starting university early next year... i got to a point where “f*#k this!” They don’t deserve me being around taking care of everything making sure house is in order
it sucks that at times i feel we’re taking a giant step forward towards progress but the same bullshit excuses means we’re still 20 steps backwards
honestly the same excuse from hubby and ss for the past 4 yrs gets tiring, unbelievable and f*#king pathetic” i basically told hubby that in a polite firm but non swearing manner
I know EXACTLY how you feel,
I know EXACTLY how you feel, at a certian point the same dumb ass excuses are not good enough. The same lame ass lip service "promising" changes would be made and they are not for the millionth time.
At a certian point you have to accept nothing will ever change, and, may infact get worse.
I got to that point and DID leave with my baby. I do not regret it 1 little bit. Both my son and I are THRIVING after leaving.
Make the best decision for you and your young children, sounds like "D"h is putting his older son's needs/wants/shitty behavior above your small children.
Yes thats exactly my point and how i feel
i’m trying to get that through to hubby that he’s claiming there is progress but where? When do you put your foot firmly down and say this is bloody ridiculous!! The same exact excuse and lip service 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years, 1.5 years ago, 6 months ago, few months ago and yesterday. There comes a point where promising change and i’m so stressed is absolute bullshit
ss wants to talk about stress with no responsibility other than going to uni and everything handed easily... i was 22 when mum had a stroke and studying and working full time. There came a point i considered quitting my job but my dad wouldn’t let me despite being divorced a few yrs from mum. He actually told us to move back into the family home so he could care for mum whilst me and my brother were at work or university. If ss is complaining about non existent stress, he isn’t gonna handle parenthood ever or the real world.
My dad actually said maybe hubbys eyes will only open once i’ve left with our kids and reflect and go “i didn’t do enough, i let ss pull his bullshit all over me” but by then it’ll be too late... whatever he says will just be empty promises and to be honest, i want my kids far away from ss toxicity...
my birthday is new years eve, we planned a getaway to the city to get a great view of the fireworks and i’m at the point why go? Why play happy family because it isn’t. Then hubbys family have a yearly family day in a few weeks time, screw that, i’m staying home. I’m so over this
ss and hubby only have themselves to blame. Our 2 kids are the bestest play buddy friends ever, its such a shame this crap has been happening all along. There just comes a point i need to protect them from this toxic bullshit.
hubby claimed ss was crying on phone and he really told him off, the call lasted a minute. Ss has never cared about anyone but himself so how does a 20yr old man cry?? He doesn’t!! I’m being spewed total bullshit from hubby too just to shut me up temporarily till the next blow up or he can figure out his next tactic. This isn’t the way family or marriage ever should be
these problems or issues should not need to exist but they do solely because ss is self centred and hubby not willing to put his foot down and say his is absolutely stupid and beyond ridiculous- enough is enough!! . One day i’ll leave with our kids and hubby crying and upset and ss attitude would be mehhh, can’t give a stuff.. its the way its been day 1. So tomorrow i’m cancelling our new years getaway and letting hubby know i’m not going on other planned trips in the next month. I’m also reiterating that end of jan trip to my home country i’m not coming back and that will be official start of our separation and he has 6 months to make a decision how things will be and if he is willing to make active changes and i mean real results not i need more time, ss is stressed not empty promises. If not then i want a divorce. We bought a ticket for my dad for mid next year to celebrate holidays with us, hubby is being told to cancel the trip and wear the cost, thats several grand on airfare cancellations and rescheduling. Lucky hubby has the money to afford doing that...
struggling as a single mum overseas, thats so much easier than this life i’ve had to experience.
When I was going through the
When I was going through the teen and early 20s boy brain farts my parents landed on a very powerful stance with me.
"Don't tell us, show us." They would not let me blather about what I was going to do. They wanted action. Action was all they were interested in.
I have made that a foundation of my adult life. I don't give a crap about the "why", what I care about is the "what". Why people do what they do is IMHO a waste of time to worry about. I care about what they do. If what they do is reasonable then I deal with them reasonably. If what they do is not reasonable... all bets are off and I apply consequences.
Keep it simple. Maybe your DH and his son will gain clarity. If they don't... keep apply escalating pain until they do gain clarity.
Good luck. Take of you. Take care of your babies.
Thanks for that advice rags
i’m bringing the pain but it feels ridiculous this is the only way we may get results as it feels like manipulation/guilt tripping which is exactly what vindictive ex-spouses do. But i’m starting with not celebrating my birthday next month as a happy family or going to hubbys family day. A week before flying to my home country, a nephews wedding is on which hubbies daughters with ex will likely go which hubby will pick up along the way...
i just don’t want to be around them, i just want to focus on us, this massive mess!! Not smile for the cameras as fake happy families
I think if your ss is 20 and is
at college and your dh has not set any ground rules yet, then I almost wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen. The skids are adults at this point and if they never learned any etiquette then they probably won't.
Yup thats the way its been
Hubby admitted he fu*#ed up bad when married to ex and even now and its just gotten worser. But he just expects we live like this, tolerate this
there’s so much toxicity and conflict often and thats not healthy. Any fighting arguing is not in front of the kids. We’ve always voiced through chat unless i get fedup with hubby in middle of the night not putting our kids to bed when i’m struggling to, then he’ll cop a mouthful.
i have never wanted to be full on psycho screaming fights in front of our kids, so far we’ve managed that. Honestly i just feel like telling hubby i want a divorce and that next time he really thinks long and hard about remarrying because i don’t want another woman to end up like me.
He doesn’t like conflict or drama but this life is just such conflict, i need it to be over so we can move on and i feel that needs to be separately
Well i talked to my dad overseas
he’s always been amazing at helping me digesting things, not judging me and helping with working stuff out. Since i have another 8 weeks to go fly back to my home country, dad said just be patient, disengage about ss, he doesn’t matter now, the priority is me and our 2 kids.
so dad said since hubby is ok with me finishing my studies overseas and getting our kids into a playgroup, that i stick with that, i’ll be happier away from hubby and his kids with ex alot. Then later figure stuff out.
because if divorce ends up the only way, it’ll happen in my home country where our kids have integrated to life there and school friends etc.
hubby will not have a strong case demanding our kids be extradited to his country, he’s never cared for them for a whole day/night solely on his own. I am the primary carer of them
hubby has recently made me executor of his superannuation/pension fund and his life insurance policy. He made it very clear with kids from exwife they were gonna have to be civil and nice with me or they’ll make it very difficult for me to be lenient and have compassion on them if they need money etc in the future if hubby is no longer around. At present he’s told them that there is no one amongst his kids with ex, financially capable or that he can trust to disperse his estate fairly and because of the dysfunction and current behaviour (he never said this to them), but he hopes making me executor will help bridge the gap. I feel this is another of his indirect methods to force resolution but his kids can’t comprehend that, its too far advanced for their way of thinking
honestly i think they’re the sort of people who’d fight me at court for their share of money solely given to me to manage when they have other estates of dad they can fairly get. Hubby did this as a means to protect our 2 little kids yet to start school because he knew his eldest 3 kids with ex wouldn’t care about our 2 kids and hubby didn’t want us struggling when his eldest 3 had it pretty easy all paid for and i’ve sacrifice My career and studies to marry him, take care of him, our home and our kids and tried to bridge the gap with his kids till figuring out it was bloody pointless.
So please 2 months, please come by quickly... we need our space and hubby needs that wakeup call and i hope he’s one of the rare ones who gets it.
i don’t expect anything from ss now. I totally expect he next comes homes ignoring me or if he tries to apologise to me it’ll be so ungenuine with his massive smirk and smiling face and mumbled all the way... because as usual no one matters but him
So since last friday
When hubby gave me the usual lip service of ss20 imaginary stress condition that magically happens when asked to be a decent human and not ignore me and our kids... and poor him hubby didn’t want to push him more and i told hubby he was doing nothing and how much longer can the same excuse for 4 yrs be valid, surely comes a point where this is stupid and ridiculous and ss is being a real prick.
Well we haven’t talked at all and hubby knows i’m very extremely angry at him. He decided to vacuum and tidy the living room, kitchen and dining room (vacuuming) and clearing tornado of toys and crap everywhere that i never manage to during the day. Hubby asked if i wanted to go grocery shopping with him, i didn’t respond.
In the evening he messages me saying he’s very sorry and ask for forgiveness about what’s happened, whats going on and he has alot of thoughts going on in his head. He claimed his right arm is numb and this could be an early sign of stroke but this arm has been numb for like 2 months (comes and goes)
if i had replied then i would have been real sarcastic and said “well guess you better go to hospital!! Oh and is this hand numbing being over exaggerated just like 20 yr old ss when he crashed his aunts bike in the middle of the jungle, tiniest scratch on his right foot and he had a massive fever, then he walked like a woman who just had a csection and then claimed you had to stop by a pharmacy on the way back home for bandages” i just think you’rs overexaggerating for sympathy when you don’t deserve it but i kept my cool and never responded.
this is what happens when you deal with arseholes and procks for 4 yrs straight, you start to lose compassion and sarcasm is really all you want to come out with. Because you’re tired of everyone’s bullshit excuses and lip service
so tomorrow morning when he gets to work, i’m strongly considering sending the following message saying:
”Dear hubby, since you blamed and guilted me for why 20yr old ss won’t come home from his imaginary stress condition that magically arrives everytime he is told to behave, be a decent human being, be cordial to me and our 2 kids (his half siblings) and not ignore us for 4 yrs straight despite living in our home a majority of that time and that he will be expected to do chores regularly and forcibly made to play with his 2 siblings... i’d like to point out no one is to be guilted or blamed for ss not coming home except ss. He needs to stop being a petty little 4 yr old.
i have cancelled the mini getaway at the hotel for my birthday for new years, since ss is due home then from university, i suggest you take him away for a holiday somewhere to de-stress from his imaginary stress syndrome, enjoy your holiday where ss disappears, ignores you and locks himself in his bedroom all day and night and only comes to ask you for money. I guarantee he won’t give a shit and ask why we aren’t there. Oh and when you come back from the trip and tell him he is still responsible for chores and has to behave, be cordial, be respectful, decent and not ignore us, the imaginary stress syndrome will come again..
i have also cancelled me and our 2 toddlers tickets for a full refund for your family day in 2 weeks time. I find it hypocritical you trying to project the family man image like family is so important to you when you’ve told me for 4 yrs straight that ss is stressed and is allowed to live in our home ignoring us, distressing our 2 kids regularly by the mere sight of his stranger presence, never pulling his weight at home and general disrespect of everyone and you have told me for these 4 yrs straight that you can’t and you won’t do anything basically stating to ss this behaviour is acceptable and allowable in our presence and projected to us meaning he is allowed to emotionally bully us and tell you he did nothing wrong.
so i suggest you go to your precious family holiday alone and if you have the courage too, admit to your family why suddenly me and our kids are not present and see the responses you will get when they hear what you have said and done and allowed ss to do to us and i guarantee you will struggle to find 1 person in your defense...
dear hubby, i feel you should beg the horrible exwife and mother of your eldest 3 kids to marry again and remind you of the daily torture and psycho narcissistic manipulative cheating behaviour you endured and were tormented with for 14 yrs and realised and appreciate it was heaven with me.
I have considered divorce as the only solution now for me, this family/marriage is done. Its not fixable and the 4 years of empty promises and lies by you both is ridiculous and a total joke.
Please think hardly now in the 4 yrs i married you and after you divorced the horrible pathetic exwife, what has your son given you in that time? Has he helped do chores like cleaning the house? Cook, treat you out for lunch/dinner? Has he asked how work was today/everyday? Has he done your laundry? Celebrated your birthday? Ironed your work clothes? Has he offered you anything beneficial? I’m pretty sure the answer is NO to the above.
Meanwhile in the 4 yrs you married me, we had 2 kids i have cared and nurtured, laundry done and your work clothes constantly ironed so you have a 3 weeks supply always, house cleaned regularly (mopped/vacuumed), dinner done, catering for your family/friends parties at our home despite being heavily pregnant or breastfeeding a newborn and caring for a toddler, always there to support you when exwife bullshit comes back at you, always there when work has been tough.
So if i leave now and your 20yr old son has threatened to run away and abandon you purely for telling him to be a decent human and contribute to this family and household, how will you feel knowing that i was always put last, disrespected by you both when if you cherished/cared for me and firmly enforced that ss behaviour would not be tolerated at home, i would be married to you a lifetime even when your eldest 3 kids abandon you as usual??
if you tell your son now that i am asking for a divorce from you, what do you think his response will be? I’m sure there will be silence that its not his problem, that he couldn’t care less, that he’s not to blame or at fault one bit, he’ll probably ask you about his phone bill or if you’re free this weekend to meet his sisters (not us and our kids) for a visit. will your son stick by you forever or is he gonna leave you alone to be an old lonely man for the rest of your life?
from your darling soon to be exwife”
pretty sure he’ll panic and shit his pants, thats the affect and reality check i want to give him
Ss has never acknowledged us
And his 2 sisters only initiated contact several months ago. I thought blended family also meant stepparents etc where there are certain members not related to one another. Its not purely sibling relationships.
as you say blended is stepkids vs bio kids and in my case my stepson is not my bio child and i have 2 kids with his dad, so that is blended. Its blended when there are children not of that marriage
Blended IMHO is any situation
Blended IMHO is any situation where there is a spawn not related to both adult parties in a relationship. In other words, one or both parties bring a prior relationship spawn to the mix.
Whether or not the parties spawn together at some point has no impact on the “blended” status.