Spending the holdidays with an ex
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I read an article on Yahoo this morning about a woman (Mayim Bialik from BIg Bang Theory) sharing Thanksgiving with her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. (https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/mayim-bialik-spent-thanksgiving-her-...)
I think it would be wonderful if the adults could put aside their differences to do this for their children. However, as I relate it to my own expereince, which is long past, I realize it isn't really a viable solution for some. There is usually someone that cannot or is unwilling to do it and it creates more stress on the kids.
My experience is as both an ex-wife and a 2d wife. Putting both hats on, ex-wife and 2d wife, do you think you could do this?
No. The Bm has alienated and
No. The Bm has alienated and undermined my DH from his kids since they were old enough to understand words. I can be civil when I run into her at the grocery store she works at stocking shelves, but I would never spend a holiday with her. Holidays are for family and loved ones and she is neither to me.
I'm only a fiancee, and only
I'm only a fiancee, and only my SO has an ex, so I can only come at this from that direction. Could I spend a holiday with his ex? Yes, I could. They have an amicable relationship and while she's not my favorite person, I can be polite and friendly to her for a day. I've co-hosted birthday parties with her and they went well. But do I WANT to spend a holiday with her is the more important question, and the answer to that is NO. I want to spend my holidays with the people I love, not with the ex and her family. I don't think there's any particular benefit to the kids from spending the holiday with both of their parents together. Why do it on the holidays if you're not doing it the rest of the year? There are two households 24/7/365; why pretend otherwise one or two days a year?
What SO and I have done is be elsewhere for Christmas. One year we vacation with the kids either the week before or after Christmas and they spend Christmas with mom; the next year we take them on vacation during Christmas week and mom has them the other week. (Vacation is at my family's beach house, with my family). By not being home, we avoid any temptation on anyone's part to bring the whole "happy initial family" together. SO doesn't really care about T'giving, so we go to my parents' house (out of town, again) and BM gets the kids for that holiday.
In my current situation,
In my current situation, absolutely not. If there was a mutual respect between all adults, then I could see it & think it could even be nice. While our BM is usually low conflict, the HCBM traits pop out here & there & I don’t trust her as far as I could throw her. I’m always civil when we see each other but I’d rather eat my stocking than spend Xmas with her. Hard pass!
I read the article & noticed
I read the article & noticed Malik talked about her ex & ‘their’ family, but not of the new gf.
Wondering if this isn’t such a nicey nice story as it is the need to control or pull ‘for the sake of the kids’ bs. I hope I’m wrong, I like Malik & would like to think she’s a sane BM, but why force this arrangement ‘for the kids’ if there isn’t a respect & friendship between all parties?
That said, I’m pms’ing & cranky so I could be seeing the negatives in an otherwise lovely story lol.
Sure. I have 2 previous long-term relationships
Sure. I have 2 previous long-term relationships - a marriage and an engagement. One is close by and I have lunch or drinks with him a few times a year to catch up. DH went to school around here so has tons of women he had shorter "things" with along with actual relationships. We run into them all the time and have nice chats. The only person that would be any trouble in a gathering would be BM and one of his other ex's who had a hard time letting go. Evryone else would be fine.
First Christmas with DH, BM
First Christmas with DH, BM hinted at throwing a fit if I showed up at FIL's house for "their" family Christmas. FIL asked me not to come through DH. I told DH it was fine that year, but never again.
Second and third Christmases were spent with BM. Second was at FIL's house; third at mine and DH's since BM was on the outd with her own family. Should have known better...
Since then, no shared holidays, including birthdays. BM started getting her life together, which meant she was connected with her family again. Shame, really, because we were getting along and she was pleasant.
Then she tried taking time away from DH, left her job and has been unemployed, back on the outs with her family, being all pouty wittle gurl with DH *gag, cough, gag*...
I can feel her fishing for an invite. Not happening.
I will say, I host 1 Thankagiving and invite all the parents who are all divorced. They have the option of not coming, and I would likely host a 2nd Thanksgiving if someone informed me that it wasn't okay. I'm not a monster, but so long as everyone can get along (we're all adults now), I'll continue to host a joint holiday.
I could probably spend a
I could probably spend a holiday with my exH and his new fiancee. We have an amicable relationship. However, I'd rather not. My kids are used to the dynamic we have. We have always done separate holidaya.
As far as BM, there is no way that woman will ever cross the threshold into my house nor would I go to hers so it is not even an option. After everything she has put us through, I could never pretend to be that civil. Besides, she still acts inappropriately with my husband.
Absolutely not. DH and BioHo
Absolutely not. DH and BioHo have children together, but BioHo is NOT family.
OP, you seem to think this is
OP, you seem to think this is a good thing - why? When people get divorced, part of it is that they don't spend time together as a family anymore. So does Mayim Bialik's spouse come with her to Thanksgiving with her ex and his new girlfriend? Or do they split the day and go half to her ex's house and half to his ex's house? What if they have shared children? Do those shared kids now go to Holidays with their half-siblings' father and his new GF? What if their father has other kids, too?
When does it end? Amicable co-parenting is the goal. Shared holidays are not necessary.
I wouldn't say I think it is
I wouldn't say I think it is a good thing. I don't really know what I think. I know in the beginning my kids would have liked to spend the holidays with both their parents instead of being shuffled place to place. I could do that for them. Would I want to... probably not, but I would.
I do think iit is important to remember that the parents divorced. I don't think the marital relationship is synonymous with the parenting relationship. I think as adults we should be able to put our own feelings aside for our kids, even if it is just one day a year.
In the article, Mayim advises that her relationship with her new partner ended; therefore, she went alone. That to me suggests that if she was in a relationship, he would have accompanied her. I think if there were his/hers and ours, the parents would be able to come up with something that would work just like some nuclear familes do, usually every other year with one spourse or the other's parents. In this case, every other year with one or the other's ex and children.
As I said, I don't really know how I feel about it.
Well, you said this in your
Well, you said this in your first post: "I think it would be wonderful if the adults could put aside their differences to do this for their children."
I think it's way too child-centered to even consider schlepping your new partner and his kids to an ex's house just so the kids can have their parents together. In fact, I think it's insane. My guess is that when Mayim re-couples, she will no longer do it, either.
Divorce is unfortunate, but it is what it is. Things change.
I do think it would be
I do think it would be wonderful. I didn't say I thought it was a good thing. Experience has taught me that this is not a utopic world and not all people can do this, nor should they, depending on their individual situation.
I think it's all hokey. I
I think it's all hokey. I feel like these celebrities that do this, do so in a way where they sound self-rightous. And their kids are 10 and 13, so it's not like they're very young. Then I almost understand it. Almost.
Also, I don't agree with her still being a family with her ex husband. They have mutual family (the kids), but THEY are not family any longer.
Could I spend time with my ex
Could I spend time with my ex and his wife? Yes, I could. And I have. Do I want to? No. I'd rather set my hair on fire and I LIKE my hair at lot.
Could I spent time with his wife, without him? Yes, in another life we'd be friends. I like her.
Lol
Lol
When my then new bride, new SS and I moved to the town where my XW and my XILs were from we ran into my XILs at a restaurant not far from our house. My XILs insisted that me join them and the XIL clan for the holidays and that push continued for years.
We never actually did join them but they were dogged in their push to assimilate my new family into their folds.
"I think it would be
"I think it would be wonderful if the adults could put aside their differences to do this for their children."
We could take it a step further and say that if they can be that friendly, and they care so much about their children having both parents around, they should have sucked up their differences and just stayed married. I mean, if it's all about the kids....
My husband put up with a lot of bullshit (including cheating and emotional abuse) and stayed with BM for as long as he did "for the children" (one of which, was not even his). So, no, there was no spending the holidays together once he was finally free of her.
Different strokes for different folks... but it ain't for us.
My BFF for the past 50 years
My BFF for the past 50 years (college friends) spends Christmas with her ex, his current wife, and his 1st wife. I went with her one year. She’s nuts as far as I am concerned for doing this.
Her ex cheated on his first wife about 100x (but my friend was not one of them). He slept with his best friends’ wives for the most part. When he was dating my BFF he cheated on her with the wife of another friend. When she went back to her DH he begged my BFF to take him back. She did, they married and when she had a 4 year old and a newborn she came home one day to discover that he had moved out for that same woman who was now getting a divorce. He also managed to swindle her out of a substantial inheritance. I cannot express even with every expletive I’ve ever heard how disgusting he is. But he likes all of his “wives” to come for Christmas so maybe he can pretend not to be so disgusting
Step, divorced, and bleded
Step, divorced, and blended families should be allowed to "opt out" of holiday celebrations. It's just too much for a normal perosn to deal with.