Made a break with adult Skids but they aren’t honoring it
Hi, I posted before and have had no communication with my SKids (in their 30’s) for a few months. Truly a good decision for me. I am very sick and the sheer animosity I felt from them and the stress of the situation was making me worse. Afterward, I felt a huge burden lift from my shoulders. It was great. Unfortunately, one of SKids is trying to blame me for problems in her children’s life (not seeing me is breaking their hearts, they need therapy because I am not seeing them, etc. They were in therapy before I made this decision so this is revisionist history. I just found out she plans to travel to my new home (my husband must have told her I moved close to the hospital for treatment) to visit with my husband but told him she won’t enter the house because she doesn’t want to make trouble. I don’t understand this - it makes no sense to me. Can someone give insight into this behavior?
Out of your house is good
She's trying for control. Don't get sucked in to that- decide your boundaries without her.
Read up on this website, lots of good info for you about setting boundaries with high-conflict skids.
Have your DH tell them that
Have your DH tell her that she created this problem herself with how she's treated you, and then maybe he will see what she's really all about. Then tell her not to come by the house under any circumstances, he can meet her elsewhere.
She sounds like one of the bio mothers on here, who want to get a reaction and can't stand not knowing whether or not their behavior is affecting someone, so they have to force their way in. She's using her own children as pawns.
Just hold your boundaries until/if you get a sincere apology from her (never). Take care of yourself and don't worry about these toxic skids.
You have been ill; you moved
You have been ill; you moved close to the hospital for treatment? And the SD is only thinking about herself and blaming you for not pandering to her and now her children need therapy because of it? She couldn't possibly say "Anna has been ill and needs her rest"?
Don't expect for this type of behavior to make sense to you. Just be glad that you chose to not deal with anymore. She has one goal: Make Trouble.
And since you have been ill, need your rest and this SD seems to like to make trouble, then no she should not enter the house. Ask your DH to visit with her elsewhere.
When you draw a boundary with
When you draw a boundary with some people, they don't believe you so they test you to see how serious you are about the new rules.
Hang tough and ride it out away from her. She will give up when she knows her drama doesn't work anymore. She will get worse before it gets better.
^^ THIS ^^
Almost invariably, this is the way people who don't respect boundaries are.
The SD appears to be honoring
The SD appears to be honoring your wishes of disengaging and being done with each other. She's saying 'no, I'll not enter SM's space'. That's not a bad thing.
With that said, you need to be focusing on yourself and your health. Inform your husband that you do not want to hear anything about SD, the grandkids or any of their drama. You don't want to hear about any of it. Decisions were made. His children and you no longer have any relationship.... so you needs to immediately stop repeating and/or sharing all this with you.
Dh is not doing you any favors by keeping you informed. His daughter (maybe the grandkid) are going to be in town and have a short outing with DH. That's all you needed to know. You know why he will be busy on x ,day during x time, so you know you won't be getting a visit or call from him during that period. You don't need nor care to know anything else about it.
If he randomly starts talking about them after he has seen/talked to them, cut him off. A simple 'that's nice you heard from them', or a 'glad you had a nice visit'. If necessary come right out and say 'no, please, change the subject, I'm not going to listen to this'.
You don't need to worry about skids. You don't need the stress of hearing about them.
Thank you for your coments, it really helps
I realized I wasn't clear. We had been living in the same small town as my stepdaughter for years - just a few minutes from her house. I moved separately from my husband for treatment at the hospital a few STATES away from that home by myself. My husband goes back and forth between the home he owns down the road from his daughter and being with me. So you see why it would make no sense.Your comments really help, I will make sure the boundaries are clear and I don't hear about the things she says through my husband. Thanks!
Your duty is to consider your
Your duty is to consider your own health and boundaries.
You disengage for you - not for SD and her kids in therapy.
Do not let her guilt you into changing what has been helpful to you.
If you wish to remain disengaged, stay disengaged.
It is SD's job to raise her own dysfunctional kids - with or without your help.
It is easier to point a finger on your impact on her kids than look at herself.
Let your husband visit with her and the grandkids.
You do not need to.
Neither do you have to play her psychological games.
She’s full of it. It’s a
She’s full of it. It’s a tactic I tell you. Or she wouldn’t of mentioned it.
i hope not but if you’re sick, by the way I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it’s not her using that as an excuse to start drama but with that comment , it is.
like I told dh and SS I do not trust SS or SD, never have ,never will.
Skids are cruel I tell you.
op, I hope you are well soon. Xxxx
OP said:
My honest opinion...
She said what she said to make trouble. Malicious? Careless/thoughtless? Passive-agressive? Who knows, and who cares? It really doesn't matter, because you need to keep that boundary AND you need to keep your dignity, so you're going to take the high road and treat her like she was simply naiive, but you're going to have your honey handle this for you. So make sure he knows how you feel, and give him the ammunition he needs.
My guess is that she said something like, "Daddy, I want to make sure you're taking care of yourself..." An innocuous and mild statement like that is very disarming, and I'm sure he couldn't say no.
What her motives may be remain to be seen, but I'd be tempted to set the boundary with a gentle, "Thank you for your concern, we appreciate it a lot. However, we also would like to have a little bit of privacy with dignity, since this is a medical concern, and all of us have a need for some dignity as we trudge through our medical procedures. It's nothing personal, and one day, I hope you'll understand without having to be the one in a facility with all sorts of people poking and prodding you in front of your family. We just want to focus on getting well and getting home." Maybe your husband can say that, and it'll set the boundary without ruffling the feathers too much.
If she doesn't respect that, have him get firmer. "Surarbooger, we really need you to respect our space on this. Please pray for us, as that's what we really need at this time. We'll let you know when we can have more openness."
Hope that helps.
PS... GET WELL SOON!
"Under the guise of concern, a pretty common tactic"
This is mind manipulation at its best!
After an unprovoked blow up, enduring SD's 45 minute rant (which I luckily taped), she tried to suggest we "all sit down." I suggested that wouldn't be appropriate, as she needs to work through her issues before there is any concept of a group setting.
Well, low and behold, she takes it upon herself to 1) Call OUR counselor and suggest a "sit down" (2) Call OUR PASTOR multiple times, explaining, "I'm worried about my father. Can you give him a courtesy call/check?" (3) Calling DH's lifelong friends, saying the same thing, she's concerned about her dad, AND near crying, telling this friend how hard it is that mom and dad are no longer together! To which the friend found it appalling and ridiculous. A 40+ year old "grown woman" moaning about a decades long divorce....
Yes, the "concern" card is often the most used tactic, as it is disarming, making DH think SD really cares, when it's the ultimate mind manipulation, most of them do not see, however, my DH was irate when he found out she had also called our family friends. He was utterly embarassed and appalled, saying, "I don't think she's worried about the old man at all, but rather trying to create a paper trail to prove how caring she's trying to be." Sooner or later these SD's hang themselves and DH's see them exactly for what they are. I'm so thankful the lightbulb finally went off in DH's head. He will never think the same of her or feel the same as he once did.
That is called a smear
That is called a smear campaign. She called all the friends to make DH look like a bad person so when she starts a new lie, they will be more likely to believe it and isolate DH from his friends and familiy. It is an action done on purpose with devious intentions. She counts on plausablity to get people to buy into her story. Pure evil. Nothing else but pure evil.
Precisely!
DH says he will confront her on it but wants everyone to have a nice holiday season. Well I also want that but feel thu gs cannot move forward or get back to normal until he creates boundaries with her. I mean who verbally castrates their father then calls everyone in his circle?! Like he’s not going to find out?
Fortunately each person she called saw right through her act & had no empathy for her; the friends thought it was very absurd and laughable.
Would she be ok with us calling everyone inner circle? Of course not,nor would that ever cross my mind.
If dadwas really her concern she’d call him. The pastor saw right through her, saying he prayed with her and got off the phone. Of course she left the missing link out (her 45 min rant) when she called all these people. Once they were made aware of her contribution the responses were utter shock & disbelief! The counselor noted she’s in her 40’s & supposedly an adult profession. He asked if she’s able to function normally.
You cant fix emotionally stunted crazy!
And yesit was completely malicious!
Her only interest in daddy is her inheritance and he’s already given everything to her so why all the fuss?
DH's avoidance isn't doing
DH's avoidance isn't doing anyone any favors.
Rags, You're Right, But Do You Have Any Suggestions
As to how to get him to take care of this and confront it head on?
He told me last night he would do it this morning, but of course he gets up and gets busy, as usual. That's what he does, then tells me how busy he is and how much he has to do. I told him, it will literally take 30 seconds or less to pick up the phone and simply say, "SD, do not talk, just listen. It has recently come to my attention you've called yet, another person in my circle. I'm appalled and it stops TODAY. If you CHOOSE to keep making these humiliating calls, I choose to detach from you in all ways until you can demonstrate respect for me and my marriage."
Also, what is your take on SDs calls to all of these people?
I am not sure of any legal
I am not sure of any legal ramifications to your SD's behaviors that you could exploit ... however.... I would consider calling an elder abuse hotline and reporting SD for her crap. She is attempting to isolate her father from his friends and family. Typical stalker crap as I understand it.
You might has well start taking action since DH won't.
You are right about it only taking 30 seconds. I would write exactly what you typed here "SD, do not talk, just listen. It has recently come to my attention you've called yet, another person in my circle. I'm appalled and it stops TODAY. If you CHOOSE to keep making these humiliating calls, I choose to detach from you in all ways until you can demonstrate respect for me and my marriage." and at the first opportunity ask DH for his phone, dial SD's number, put it on speaker, slide the paper in front of DH while it is ringing and tell him it happens and it happens now.
People build up these things to be much harder than they ever actually turn out to be in most cases. My DW is one of those. So... I just dial her phone and hand it to her when she is procrastinating a call to her family to discuss some issue.
Good luck.
I'm THINKING....
...and this seems like there may be some commonality with a personality disorder.
According to the DSM 5 Manual
That’s used to diagnose people who have disorders, you are correct!