A couple of things come up here.  First of all, your DW did cheat on her ex-. Now, I'm not the type who feels that someone who cheats needs to suffer forever; however, it does give her ex-husband (and children) reason to pause on a few things, and it does at least somewhat explain higher levels of animosity.

She or may not have had a "good" reason to cheat.  You don't know that for sure.  You only know her side of the story.  Although, yes, even to me it sounds like her ex- is being excessive, that is between your DW and her ex- and her children.  You are there to support your DW, but you are not there to take on her battles for her.  Whether it sounds fair or not, very few people respond favorably to a cheater, so although in your mind it may have been justified, most other people will not see it that way, regardless--no matter how you try to spin it.  Just a heads-up on that.

I don't see how an ex- can "make" anyone take or pay for children on vacay.  An ex- can try to guilt BM, in this case, into taking the kids.  However, that is between BM and her ex-.  I don't blame you for not personally wanting to spend monies on what you see as your DW's children, but that is between you and DW.  Apparently, it sounds like you let DW pay off her bills, while you do most of the buying around the household.  What sort of arrangement have you and DW made for her children's expenses at your home, including vacays?  This is something you need to discuss.  It is not up to her ex- to fund vacays that involve you and your DW and her children. 

As a SM, I have helped fund many activities for my SKs incl. at least one of their weddings.  Has DH appreciated it?  Yes, to a degree.  Have SKs appreciated it?  More than likely, not.  I don't think they even realize what I've done for them or how much I have contributed.  BUT, none of this uncommon for a step-parent, unfortunately, for them to fork over time and money and love, even, and get little ackowledgement in return.  I'm not saying that is OK.  I'm just saying that right now for many SPs, that is how it winds up.

SO, you need to stop fighting your DW's battles for her.  She made her choices, and she has to work through those choices with her ex- and children.  You are married to her and are there to support her as a spouse and SO.  You only need to pay for what YOU want to pay for.  This is something you need to work out with your DW.  Yes, it sounds like an ugly divorce, but all the more reason for you to stay out of it.  It sounds like you are already very caught up in the details.  For your own sanity and because you cannot control DW's ex-, stay out of it as much as you can.  The focus needs to be on the life you and your DW want in your household together.  The focus doesn't need to be blaming an ex- for the bad, incl. financial issues.  I totally get that SP'ing is not easy.

Are you seriously buying these victim stories from your DW? She cheated with a colleague, which cost her her job (it was the cheating that did it, not the ex blowing her in). Now she's unemployed when most places are desperate for teachers ... why isn't she working? And she's blaming her inability to take the kids on a vacation on her ex (who now has the kids all the time), because he didn't pay child support years ago? Is she paying him child support now that he has the kids? Somehow, I doubt it.

Maybe I'm missing something, and her ex really did cause this, but all I see is someone who creates her own problems and then blames others, and a new husband who buys it.

BTW, my DH bought all of BM's bullshit victim stories about her first husband too - now he's on the receiving end of what REALLY happens.  I imagine someday you will experience what it's like to be your wife's ex-husband, too.

Sorry to be harsh, but I don't see how the ex is the problem here.

Tell him to piss off.  So what that your DW cheated on him?  That is between them.  She does not have to wear the Scarlet Letter forever.  Enough is enough.  And if he ever does send you pictures and they contain nuditiy, contact the police.  It is a crime to transmit nude photos without the consent of the subject and you can nail his ass.

I agree with Susan completely. I’m not sure why people are being nasty about you not wanting to pay for someone else’s kids, loads of SM’s on here have done the same thing. It’s your choice. 

Your DW’s affair is in the past, and it sounds like she’s been paying a fairly dear price for it since then. Cheating isn’t ok, but does that mean she needs to suffer for it for the rest of her life? No. At the end of the day that kind of anger is toxic to the person holding it, so it’s in no one’s best interest to hang onto it so tightly. 

The thing I would pull your DW up on though, is giving her ex your number in the first place. Unless you told her to go for it, which I don’t really understand why you would because it’s just engaging in drama. As good as it must have felt to say what you said to him, I hope you immediately blocked him afterwards.

vacations are a PRIVILEGE, not a right. No one is owed a holiday. No one. So I completely see where you’re coming from on this one. What I don’t get though, is if the ex wants some kid free time w his gf over the holidays, which is understandable, can’t you & DW take them for the time they’re away? Not take them away, but just take them? 

Her ex sounds like a prick, but I think you & your DW could be diffusing the drama in better ways than you are currently. And yes, if he sends you pics like that take them right to the police. That’s illegal & no one needs to put up w that sh*t.

Dad is a jerk, no doubt, but I can see the sane side of his argument.

He has been their primary caregiver for several years. I don't know if that means your DW sees her kids a couple weekends a month or every other week. If he is truly keeping them 80% of the time, then he probably wants a break.

And why shouldn't he? The kids would likely want to spend more than a long weekend with their mother. And since she lives with you, that either means they stay at your house or your wife takes them on a vacation elsewhere. If you're saying her kids cannot stay with you in your (now mutual) home, then it leaves her with only the option of a vacation or saying no.

Dad is definitely a jerk for how he handled it, but I get it. I get why he would want a break with his new GF, especially if he is bankrolling most of his kids' care (you said DW was only paying CS for one of them) and has been the only one being able to take them on vacation.

I have some sympathy for him. Based on my understanding of what you wrote, his XW not only cheated on him, but cheated on him with someone he also worked with. I can understand why he would want her, or both, to no longer work around him. She didn't just cheat; she broke up their marriage, and did it with someone he had to not only see, but maintain a professional relationship with. That's a double-sting.

THEN he only received visitation of his children. He went from full-time dad to a weekender, and he had no real say in the matter. AND he was required to write a check to his XW who cheated on him with a colleague after she got full custody of their kids and he was reduced to next to no time.

He didn't bring any of this on her. She brought it on herself. These are the consequences, albeit on the more extreme side, of cheating while married with kids. Him wanting a break after having very little for several years is not a great sin.

Now, him threatening you and being an arse about it is. That's when you block his number, look at your DW, tell her to never give your number out to anyone again, and tell her to deal with her ex. It is okay to be angry at both of them. I'd lose my mind on DH if he gave his XW my number without my knowing, especially if she spewed that kind of crap at me.

What you have is an ex who is still hurt, somewhat rightfully and somewhat spitefully, and a wife who needs a backbone against her ex. If he wants to continue to punish her, so be it. She can block him, go to email only, etc. She has power to make his crazy stop, and her life actions are not an excuse to not make it stop. If he was that much of a jerk while married, then she effed up having kids with him and ending the relationship in such a way that added fuel to the fire. That is ALL on her.

And yes, I have said the same thing about other people's spouses and their exes. As a SP, it is not my job to deal with the crazy ex, and if I have to, my spouse will be the one to hear about it. I have sympathy and compassion for what my DH goes through with BM, but once it starts impacting my life, the gloves are off. I didn't marry my DH to help him with his ex problems, and I certainly don't want to be bothered by them. I think you should take a similar approach.

If the cheating doesn't matter to you, cool, you're braver than I. But then let dead dogs lie. Don't need to bring that up. Doesn't even correlate to this situation.

I'm sorry about your wife's financial situation. My DH came into our marriage debt free, then shortly thereafter it was discovered we had 20k plus in debt thanks to his Psychotic ex during his deployments. Which sucks a$$. And yes, puts financial strain on me. I was completely blindsided, so was DH. Nothing quite like house shopping then having thousands taken from his acocunt, then losing all the tax returns, all because she thought it would be so fun to take s*** out in his name and refuse to pay a penny. But that's not the thing here. I help fund SOME things for my skids. I find myself pushing harder and harder against it (I love them, I just HATE how I seem to be funding everything and the Psycho gets off scotch free while trying to poison the kids against me.) So i understand not wanting to fund things. We've NEVER gotten CS from Psycho. She abandoned them for a year. ZERO financial help. Prior, DH did ALL the funding, she rarely took them. And now she even has court ordered CS, and still ZERO dollars seen. Sometimes it happens, unreliable people are everywhere.

I honestly think all that needs to be forgotten though. Right now he's probably seeing your DW as the deadbeat. She cheated on him, then is she paying CS? You're giving him too much power. Unless it's court ordered he can't force the kids on you. If your DW wants them, then just take them and keep them at home, they don't need some crazy fancy vacation. If she doesn't. Then have her say no and just not respond on the topic anymore. If he pushes too hard and blocking isn't working. Then file harassment charges. He KNOWS he's getting to you and is trying to use that. So ignore it.

If my spouse gave an ex MY phone number during an argument, I would be furious. Though, it's not super surprising -- given her past choices -- that she has such poor boundaries.

You would find so much clarity if you stopped blaming the ex for your wife's shitty choices and the consequences that followed. She told you "all of it from the start" so she could craft herself as the poor victim. And just as she hoped, you swooped in with your cape and bank account to play the hero.

You have zero obligation to take her children on vacation if she can't afford to fund it. She should WANT to have her kids for an extended period of time, however, and what they do during that time doesn't have to be expensive. 

I am surprised by the responses.  I don't condone all that goes into an extra-marital affair.  However, that the ex husband continues to use it as an excuse to punish the ex wife is a bit much.

What he could dole out as punishment was divorce.  Which he did.  She was also handed consequences in her professional life which she should have received.  

The man sounds like he never let go of the anger.  Its unfortunate what happened to him at the hands of his former spouse, regardless of whether anyone thinks it to be justified. 

However, threatening his ex wife's husband (who was not even a party to the demise of his marriage)?  Threatening his ex wife with revenge porn?  His ex wife having an affair justifies these things? Really?  

OP I would suggest that YOU handle the BD like is commonly recommended here for inappropriate BMs.  Ignore.  Block him.  He has no business with you.  If he escalates, take the necessary legal steps to stop the harassment.

That's not to say you don't support your wife (in the background) in her dealings with him.  Unfortunately for her she has an angry ex husband that she shares children and custody with.  The man isn't going away any time soon.  

If there is a court order, follow it.  If there is not, get it.  If it is not being enforced, challenge it. 

Angry ex husband doesn't get to dictate what happens on wife's time, just like any of the other controlling, nursing a grudge BMs we hear about on this site. 

IF your wife has time with her kids over the holidays it's no different than any other time. 

IF her ex husband wants to grant her more time because he will be unavailable then she can choose whether or not to accept. 

That he wants to dictate what your household does and how much it spends to do it is irrelevant.  Just like her prior affair.

What you choose to directly or indirectly fund in support of your wife is between you and your wife and absolutely no one else.  Keep it that way.

You did exactly what you needed to do.  Telling the bastard to piss off.  He is trying to manipulate and bully you and you cannot let that happen.  

 When you choose to marry or settle down with someone with kids, they form part of your household when they come to stay and visit. My 20yr old ss is a real disrespectful rude prick and couldn’t give a stuff when told off. I do online grocery shopping from money hubby transfers every month that is my personal spending money. I have 2 toddlers with hubby and when ss is back from university, he helps himself to whatever is in fridge. 

As much as i feel he has no shame to be rude and disrespectful and then consume anything i have cooked or made or bought, he is a membet of our family and household so yes financially at times i take care of him.

my husbands exwife weeks after divorce was final married a high school sweetheart with 2 kids whose mother he divorced to marry hubbys ex, then made hubbys exwife pay everything related to these 2 daughters of hubby living with him. Hubby pays well above stipulated child support amount but even then the eldest daughter said she and mum cop all expenses for the youngest. She’s seen as a burden. So usual things like school supplies, groceries or eating out, will you start charging stepkids for it out of pettiness?

your bio son, is your wife caring for him i assume? Laundry, cooking, cleaning the house, trying to make it as welcoming and as family friendly as possible? Thats unpaid work she does out of love and a sense of responsibility as your wife/partner and you’re not wanting to cover incidental costs of what appears to be usual groceries, water, electricity etc

behaviour like this is what gives stepparents a bad reputation and isolates the stepkids from what could be a very welcoming home and family for them considering the assumed bullshit the bio dad has spun possibly??

every year my husband flies my dad from overseas to spend new years with us for a week or so, he doesn’t have to but he does it because thats my surviving parent and he feels sorry he’s old and him marrying me meant i moved half way around the world and we fly to visit my dad several months later for a winter break. Anytime i gave birth to our 2 kids hubby had me buy a ticket for my dad to visit so he could meet his grandkids. Out of his own money, he wasn’t complaining thats your dad and your family you do it. It seems you expect your wife to accept your kid as hers but you don’t accept her kids as part of your family unit

Interesting that a holiday visitation/vacation issue about the children digressed to affair angst from the PAST.  He's going to keep punishing DW for the past.  This guy is a serious jerk who cannot see beyond his immediate wants.  If it weren't about Christmas Break, it would still be about him and his emotional needs. Nip this in the bud right now.

Ex's sociopathic pride is showing...you know, the one DW crushed with an affair right under his nose with a colleague. In his mind, DW deserves the full expression of his blameless wrath as long as the earth is rotating.  His threatening remarks show that he is still consumed with ego-driven revenge.  Also, he may be vacay-schmoosing the new GF and she may be putting the pressure on. 

1) Block the crazy from contacting you. 

2) DW needs to be the one to put boundaries in place.  

3) DW and you decide how much time is equitable with the kids for the holidays and how you want to spend it.  Stick to what you decide. Let ex and GF work their plans around it.  Ex does not get to decide.  

4) DW must never allow ex's use of "guilting" to hold leverage.   

My last observation is that it was completely unacceptable of DW to give her ex your number.  She threw you under the bus because she did not want to deal with it and expects that you are going to be her defender-rescuer. Any manipulative, pass-the-buck tactic should be avoided.  Don't enable. 

In the meantime, let DW contend with the ex only through written communication.  Ex has a very antagonistic mindset and is looking for a fight.  She needs evidence of any threats made. 

What does the custody agreement say about holidays?

Sir, a mistake is selecting the sugar free creamer but wanted regular. In a rush you grabbed the wrong bottle. Should have read the label, darn it.   A mistake is also getting in the wrong line at the grocery store.

What do you want from us? How can we help you?

From a females point of view...It sounds to me that her plan backfired. She didn't think she would get caught. She didn't think she would loose her job...she didn't think she would loose custody of her kids. She thought she would land on her feet the entire time. and have a little thing on the side. BUT she was caught.  She thought YOU would save her and YOU thought YOU COULD save her.

Everything  you wrote is nothing we have not already heard. The genders have switched. Men have been getting screwed since 1975 when title IV D started. Loosing their homes, loosing jobs and loosing the respect of community by lies of their ex. Many men land in jail for DV crimes that never happened...I could go on and on.

Based on everything you wrote---something smells off. My gut tells me your wife is using you too. JMO Be super careful and make sure YOUR ducks are in a row if you decide to end this.

Please do not use the bible as a shield : 'are you 100percent personally without sin"...

.I am wise enough to know throwing out parts of bible verses, or attempt thereto such as :  Dont Judge OR your Judging me,  OR are you without sin---is a means to shut people UP when a persons actions are wrong.  Most of us are too old on here to be manipulated. Wont work.

The cheating part is irrelevant, in my opinion. That is between you and DW. I do find it interesting how things have played out - both DW and EH were working in school system, and they have policies in place to both protect children and limit liability. Its not uncommon for people to get together who work together, but a marital affair causing her to lose her job, sounds extreme. I feel that you included that to indicate the level of bitterness and hatred the ex holds for DW. The level of ugliness. To perhaps downplay the DW's role of cheating so that the reader has sympathy for her plight. She "lost" everything - job, money, children, has high debts. I myself do not have any bio children, but I imagine how sad that would be. However, that happens to men cheaters all the time. They cheat, get caught, the partner lawyers up, takes the kids, the money, and everything kind of falls apart, due to the choice of the cheater. Cheating is an act of agression committed by a selfish narcissist. When there is a comittment, with children, it is even more destructive. However, that is, like I said before, irrelevant.

Two things really stood out to me:

1. The giving of your phone number so that you could be harrassed. Im certain it felt good to say what you said, and now you should block him. Havent seen anything there where other posters asked about that giving out of phone number. Why on Gods green earth did DW give out YOUR number? Because Bastard Ex ASKED for it???? Doesnt make sense. Also, keep all correspondence for records. If he is threatening, you must get police involved.

2. The vacation thing. You stated that you never really have taken vacations before. So, who cares what ex wants - just host the children like you normally would, do fun things locally. You dont really mention anything about current custody orders, so what little information I read, doesnt really help. I can apprecate that you are here to vent your feelings, and you have, but you never really mentioned what problem you have.

Please clarify.

Becaues he’s a A** hole.  I would not do what EX wants, even if I want to do it anyway.  Screw him, Why doesn’t he an fancy GF take the kids on a trip they will always remember??  

I am not saying never take the SK on a trip. But it will be a trip you pick, and with in your budget.  Camping is fun and cheap.  You can go to another country, fine good budget accommodations, to sight see.  But that will be my choice.  No matter where you go you will make memories.  That is, if you want 

1. since you knew about the affair.. the EX can't ruin your marriage.. all he can do is harrass you and try to badger you into taking the kids on vacation.  You can block him. Your wife married this guy.. had kids with him.. cheated on him.. etc.. etc.. it is all 100% on her to deal with him.  You don't have to be a white knight if you don't want to.

2.  Not your kids.. you don't have to spend a dime on them.  no presents.. no vacation.  you say your wife works.. she can do whatever she wants with her disposable income.

3.  So he wants to go on vaca with his new SO.. no harm in that.  Now, what does the CO say about holidays?  what type of visitation does your DW have?  She can obviously accept visitation.. they can go on vacation.. and you don't have to actually TAKE them anywhere.. she can watch them in your home over break.

4.  believe me.. the cost of having those kids in his home is probably more expensive to him than any maintenance he saved.. so you need to stop worrying about that past support she didn't get. .he has the kids.. he is holding that bag.  again.. you have no pony in the game here.. you don't have to buy her kids squat.  she works.. she pays what she can afford.

5.  again... let your wife deal with her ex... either she agrees to keeping them for the break (with your agreement) or she says that won't work and her EX can figure out some other person to watch after them.. his parents... or whatever. 

Some of the responses are a bit surprising... you are helping pay for the household.... you are not obligated to pay for vacations when you yourself are deciding not to take them. You are being forced and threatened to take a vacation, and that is just weird- absurd really.  If he wants you guys to take the kids, cool... but he does not have the authority to say what you will be doing over your Christmas holidays. 

Second your relationship with your wife is fully and completely different than the relationship he had with her. Yes she cheated which I dont condone but just because someone cheated on one person doesn’t mean they would do so with others. No one here knows what led up to any of it, and there is a good chance you don’t even fully know the details accurately.  My DH and his ex wife used to have huge blow ups, me and him NEVER do- when you get 2 personalities together that don’t click anything can happen.... doesn’t necessarily mean they are always that way or think or behave that way.  They are divorced now, and let’s move on.

He is extraordinarily immature for contacting you and threatening you.  What I would do is block him from all means of communication (like yesterday).  People who are willing and able to threaten are not stable and you don’t need him impacting your life. Put your friends list and all your settings on social media to private as well. Let your wife deal with him and just fly under the radar.  There is no need for him to be still trying to take vengeance anytime he doesn’t get his way, and he has no business involving you- and honestly you have no idea his mental state or how far he will take things. 

Your wife has paid her consequences and doesn’t need to have this continuously thrown in her face either.... people make mistakes, learn/grow and move on. 

Having once married a cavern crotched adulterous whore I can understand the XH being hell bent on destroying your DW's life. If I had polluted my gene pool by spawning with my XW I would still be dedicated to the constant destruction of her life and the protection of any kids we may have had from being infected by the shallow and polluted half of their gene pool.

Fortunately.. she polluted the gene pools of her next two boyfriends/Husbands and not mine. She was pregnant by a boyfriend when she left and ultimately had two out of wedlock spawn with him.  He did eventually marry her.  She became pregnant with her 3rd out of wedlock spawn by the boyfriend she was cheating on her second husband with.  I gained great myrth over the asshole that she cheated on me with being served a major dose of his own medicine when she got knocked up by SpermDonor #2 while married to  him.    

I dodged a major bullet with that marriage.

When your DW's XH set out to destroy her life and took the kids he now has to live with the consequences of his actions.  As the NCP your DW does not have to take the Skids if she does not want to take the Skids while her XH is stuck with them regardless.

So, now that he is trying to engage in a new relationship the advantage has suddenly shifted to your DW.

Stick to your guns. Let the XH wallow in his choices.

Good luck.