Shadiness....
Today, I had the day off of work due to the weather and normally, I work until 6 pm. Around 3 o'clock, the phone rings and I hear my husband's adult daughter's voice on the answering machine, telling him to pick up, that she's returning his call. He immediately jumps up and runs obediently to the phone and starts speaking to her in this overly sweet voice that's so much different than the tone that he speaks to me in...
He laughs, he jokes. He asks her if she needs money and tells her that he will keep calling her until he sees her for Christmas since she won't be here for Thanksgiving. It's borderline creepy and made me feel like I was eavesdropping on a conversation between some long distance romantic relationship partners.
She has always called his cellphone in the past but because he gave me access to his account to troubleshoot an issue that he was having and I'm able to see his phone log if I choose to, she's now calling him on the house phone when I would normally be working. He never mentions when he talks to her but he does tell me when he hears from his son, which leads me to wonder why their conversations are such a big secret...?
I'm burning with a low blue flame but I know that if I bring the subject up, he's going to get all defensive and the only thing that it will accomplish is a few days of silent treatment from him.
I hate that his daughter is the other woman in my marriage and that he speaks to me with such bored indifference. He takes me for granted and will be the type of man who will love me and my memory so much more after I'm gone instead of when I'm actually here. At times like this I really wish that I had never married a man with children.
I just needed to be heard so thanks for listening.
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That is shady. It would
That is shady. It would bother me too, your feelings are justified.
It makes me gag when DH talks all nicey nice with SS24 but fails to look engaged at times when I am speaking to him, it’s not all the time but I notice. I could not even imagine the calling the house phone as a direct avoidness tactic.
Sorry I don’t have any advice, but just saying I understand.
I would be tempted to
I would be tempted to "accidentally" turn off the ringer. You cna always get necessary messages off of voicemail. Just sayin'.
Shadiness
I too wish I could help you with advice. However, I’m in almost the same situation as you are and don’t know how to fix it. My adult SD does not speak to me at all and never wants to see me as she wants Daddy all to herself and gets him. He had not seen her for over 40 years when they met in 2017 and he admits he doesn’t feel like her father. They act like lovers and I was blunt enough to tell them so thinking they might change and all it did was cause them to have a secret clandestine life. It is not the way I want to live, but I see no way to change things. This site makes me feel less alone.
GAG
Chef would always talk to his three biological Extrusions in an unnatural sing-songy saccharine sweet voice that would give you Diabetes Type 2 standing anywhere within a 50 foot range. Of course this was when his kids were much younger. I have zero doubt that if they had not PASed out the same would continue today especially with SD20 and emotional incest.
That is frightening that after 40 long years SD can just pop up out of nowhere and become Daddy's lover. Good read:
https://goodmenproject.com/families/youre-not-your-daughters-handsome-pr...
I hide money from DH so it
I hide money from DH so it doesnt get given to undeserving skids. It's premarraige money I saved for my kids college. My kids graduated. I dont want him to think it's for his kids now to go to school. OSD signs up for classes and fails or drops. My bios graduated on time and on the deans list.
Third Wheel. No Deal.
I feel your pain and wish I had the magic formula to give SMs. It's quite understandable that your sensitivities to the calls and secrecy are acute and defensive. Emotional incest, particularly with an adult SD, is unacceptable in a healthy marriage. It most definitely feels like an "affair" and the worst part is so many SMs suffer in silence because we do not know how to contend with these situations. The first time I ran across the term "emotional incest," I knew I had to read everything I could find on the subject.
DH is literally allowing another adult woman to usurp intimacy and attention. The whole silent treatment behavior is a form of passive-aggressive emotional abuse as well. Jersey...they're complicit in undermining your place as wife. "At times like this I really wish that I had never married a man with children." Never mind that he has children, what he really requires is a set of big boy huevos and a suck-up kill switch. DH is the key to making this stop and I hope he does.
In the past, my DH would respond like a Pavlovian dog. The sugar-coated dialogue was enough to send me into a hypoglycemic white-out. I used to be afraid to bring up the matter because the cognitive dissonance created discomfort for DH. I finally had an earthquake of an emotional breakdown and that is what flipped the switch. I said everything I'd been holding onto for years and I didn't care to spare DH's feelings. He was responsible for making me a third wheel. Afterwards, I gave him as much reading material as I could find on emotional incest, golden uterus, mini wife syndrome, PAS, and everything related to how damaging these behaviors are. It took several months for him to absorb the information and recognize the behaviors that fed the enmeshment.
DH began to wean SD off. He stopped answering her calls and texts immediately. He stopped taking her manipulative bait and started laughing at her transparency. The more he pulled away, the more SD's behavior became brazenly intrusive, disrespectful and caustic. I disenaged from the nastiness. DH inferred that an apology was in order, asked her to change her behavior and finally said these "magic" words, "she is my priority." She couldn't have her way so she cut him off. Bummer.
Secret SD phone calls! One of
Secret SD phone calls! One of my most loathed subjects!
I am curious why he tells you about SS's calls, but not SD's. Do you have any idea why? Is SS fine with you, but SD hates you?
You can't do anything about the calls. It's just how it's going to be. And if you hadn't been home or seen his call log, you wouldn't even know. Try to go back to that thinking because there's nothing you can do about it.
I would be more concerned about the offers of money because there's no end in sight for that and it could materially affect you. If she's 18, that's one thing. But if she's into her 20s and still getting offers for free money, it will never end if you don't put your foot down.
Why do they need to be so
Why do they need to be so secretive? Sometimes I feel like I talk to my adult son too much and we are too weirdly close. We are best friends and my husband knows it. ExH commit suicide my son's freshman yr of college. He is needy and clingy but he has boundaries. He knows my husband needs me too and no games and secrets. Maybe daddddyyy daughter is different from mother son