It's not the kids...it's her.  I mean, you can't blame a dog that has accidents if it was never house trained... (not saying you will like it..lol).  She has fallen down on the job here.  Maybe it was because she was overwhelmed.  Maybe it was because she felt guilty for breaking up their family (even if she didn't cause the breakup... she feels guilt that she didn't hold it together somehow). Maybe it's because she needed her kids to make her feel wanted.  She took the rejection of her EX and transferred her neediness to the kids?  ( believe me.. there are plenty of bio moms that will call their kids while on a visitation to dad's and insist the child tell them they love them.. and mommy misses them sooooo much.. till the kids are upset and not getting to enjoy their time with dad) The three of them clung to each other when daddy left.. so the kids got used to her undivided and devoted attention. 

Some of the stuff you describe is fairly normal like a 3 yo wanting milk several times a day.  It is probably a soothing mechanism for the child.. so that's why she craves it.  Probably not the best start in life to rely on food/drink for soothing as I'm fairly certain that can set you up for a lifetime of eating issues.  It's also not good if your SO is ignoring your needs and preferences.  I think you would be very much in the right to be able to say "Honey, I think the world of little annabelle, but I am just not comfortable having kids in the bed with me.  I didn't grow up being allowed in my parent's bed and my kids weren't allowed in mine.  I don't have any problem if you need to go tuck her in and stay with her while she goes back to sleep though."

Now the older boy is a little further down the pike here and apparently has had no expectations on him.  Again.. his mom's fault.  She raised him to be idle.  Now, it's a tough thing but you probably need to have a conversation with her about what she thinks is normal for kids to do around the house.  YOu can couch it like "Growing up, I had chores and it taught me responsibility and I think it made me a better person.  Plus I learned some important life skills.  You don't want him getting to college and not be able to change his own sheets, do laundry or cook something to eat do you?  You won't always be there to do those things.  I would be happy to let him help me do a few things around the yard/garage too.. all guys need to know which end of a screwdriver to use."(yeah girls do too haha).  What you can't expect is that the kid is going to spontaneously have a thought in his head.. "gee.. think I will go vacuum the livingroom".. it won't happen.  Well.. it won't happen until he truly understands the expectation that everyone in the house needs to pitch in.. community effort.

Now, if you have these discussions and your GF is averse to getting her son more motivated.. or won't deny her baby girl a place in the bed.. your options are to either live separately and she come to your place when she can.  Or find someone who doesn't have these encumbrances if you can't get past it.

DO NOT move in with her.  First of all, with kids involved on both sides, I don't think it's right to move in together after only 4 months.  Beyond that, though, any issues you have with your GF's kids are going to get worse, not better, once you're exposed to them 24/7.  If you have issues with how they're parented now, it's going to get a lot worse.  And the problem is your GF, not her kids.  The kids can't help that she's not a good parent.  I think you need to talk to her about changes that need to be made before you can move in, and then live apart unless and until those changes are made.  You can be gentle in suggesting the changes, but you're setting yourself up for a world of misery if you don't make sure they happen.  And of course these are changes that are in the absolute best interest of her children.  

And welcome! It's not you; your wife needs to parent. Lots of similar stories on this site, we can relate!

Welcome.  I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent and to get some useful perspective and advice from others who are living the blended family dream.  Thank you for your service.

What I have found to be key success factors in similar situations to what you describe are you and your SO being equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your household regardless of kid biology.

Set the reasonable standards of behavior in your home and apply escalating unpleasant age appropriate consequences for violations of those standards.

If your SO doesn’t like how you parent and discipline then she can step up and get it done before you have to.  The same applies to you.

Good luck

For two reasons:

1. You are separated not divorced and going through that is going to take a lot of healing energy. Get that rope tied down firstly. I moved in with my now DH before his divorce and it was terrible drama. I would things much differently, had I known then what I know now. Plus its too early for the kiddoes.

2. As far as her parenting and her childrens behaviors - they will get on your nerves even more if you move in. Things will get worse not better! Read these boards to see what you are in for, as these kidlings are still young, you might think that you will have a greater affect on them. It doesnt matter, you are still not their father nor will you ever be. 

Trust someone who is just now distancing himself and his kids from a situation very similar to yours. We sold our home to move into hers. I knew going into it that there were some issues with her kids and I had hoped that they would just work themselves out once we were all living under one roof. That thinking was a recipe for disaster. 6 months after moving in we were moving back out because the issues, drama and fighting had become too much for us to bear. We then tried living seperately after the initial break and moving back in, hopefully giving her the chance to work through some issues...Moved back in and the issues were still there, nothing had changed and nothing was going to change on her part so I walked away again. The toll all of this took on myself and my kids was huge.... I wish that I had found this site before I took the leap..

she drinks her bottle several times a day and at bedtime, she also sleeps between us. She can’t see me and hubby hug or she will sandwich herself behind us. This is totally normal behaviour so please don’t expect her to behave like an 8yr old kid. You will learn whats normal once you become a dad

If she can't tear herself away from her children for a new man (Seriously? TWO dates in four months?!) in her life at the very beginning of +the relationship when things are supposed to be fun, she never will. You are second best now and you always will be. How does that sound to you?

My advice? Stop flogging, the horse is dead.

Your going through a divorce. You should try to heal and regroup. Don't move in with this girl it's way too soon! Wait until your divorce is final and until you two are together for awhile.