DH shared my private conversation
Forums:
I chat with the woman who my step grandason is living with. She kniows I am a good-hearted person and knows I am banned from his life. Well, she shared with me that she wants her life back as she and her husband have been caring for him for over a year. She is a wonderful woman with a heart of gold.
My DH TOLD my SD that we talk and mentioned some of the things we discussed! I am livid. I told him my conversations with ANYONE are mine and not to be shared with SD. She is rabidly hateful towards me and I am afraid of her, to the point where I lock my doors--even during the day. She is mentaly unstable.
I just cannot believe he would do this. He said he did it to "stick up for me". What???
Rofl, "to stick up for you"??
Rofl, "to stick up for you"???
So, he completely was caught off guard that you were mad he shared YOUR conversation (that didn't even include him) with sd (even though you have a very poor relationship -to the point you are scared of her!), so he blurted out the first thing he could think of to save his ass. He did it for YOU! He wasn't oversharing your business with sd, he was protecting you!
Spoiler, he wasn't "protecting" you - he was trying to gaslight you.
Same boat here
My DH has done this to me before. It took me a few times to realize that I.can.not.tell.him.anything. He has literally gotten mad and told me, after I found out that he repeated something, that it didn't make any difference because they would of found out eventually. I don't know the answer because right now I would have to say that we don't talk much. So, I don't have an answer but can sympathize.
I Don’t Have An Answer & I Also Don’t See
how your DH expects you to believe that. What rational part of his psyche remotely believes “tattle-tailing” on you could be construed as anything but trying to kiss up to SD?
I had a recent revelation when SD had her ridiculous 45 minute rant..it became immediately apparent that DH & she had been having very private conversations about me, us and our marriage!!!!! Such a huge betrayal!!!
I feel ya!
Betrayal In writing
My SD threw DH under the bus in a 2 page email, 4years ago. I printed it out, gave it to DH and kicked him to SD's house for a few months. All of the betrayal came out in this email.
A copy also went to my attorney and a Judge to obtain a protective order.
Putting words on paper is fatal. Ask my DH and his DD. They can never deny, too bad, their error. I will never destroy the email; it is also of Court record.
I've decided not to share anything with him
I cannot trust him. I feel totally betrayed. He texted her back and said I did not do anything wrong in talking with my friend. SD texted him: I wanted to have an exclusive relationship with you. I guess that won't happen. Huh????? She really is mentally unstable.
That’s All WE WANT; AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!
Instead of being excluded, how about having an exclusive DH and wife relationship? I’m tired of having a triangulated marriage.
And by the way, what kind of sick, demented and distorted view of a father child relationship does this girl have? Who wants to be with their dad exclusively? That’s super creepy!
"He said he did it to "stick up for me". What???"
And I also ask, "What?!!!" This is one of he poorest examples of gaslighting I've seen in ST. I'd just look at him and laugh. this is so ridiculous it is hard to believe he wouldn't know better.
This kind of thing is what leads to 'Silent Divorce'. You lose trust so you have to guard everything you say to them. Losing trust and leads to further lack of communication and separation of involvement in each others' lives.
I'd tell your DH to cut the B.S. and start honestly supporting you. And remind him that it goes both ways - if he continues. I know that sounds bad but sometimes you have to get down to their level for a few minutes for them to understand.
My DH has a history of "doing
My DH has a history of "doing things for me" too. These "things" usually either a) have nothing to do with me, or b) are actually hurtful or thoughless toward me. I have learned to call him out on these things instantly, and that has helped. He is a slow learner about some things, especially when it comes to his unfiltered big mouth, but he is moving in the right direction.
Thank you, all!
All of you are so supportive. I really appreciate your listening to me and your comments! I don't feel so alone!
Men, especially guilty daddee
Men, especially guilty daddee's can be stupid about these things. I'm sure he thought he was being the good guy, doing everyone a big favor and making things better. Sorry DH, not everything needs to be shared with everyone. Unfortunately this also means that conversations you have that have anything to do w/SD or sgs may have to be extremely filtered to DH.
Relationship Voyeurs Always Give The
Impression that they are sincerely asking how you are doing, when in reality, all they want to know is what the scoop is. They try to fool DHs by giving the perception it’s just their courteous way of being a good daughter, when in reality they’re no more than a marital peeping Tom so to speak. That’s what SD would do. DH would always say that she always asks about you, and in my head I would say the translation on that is,” I want to know what’s going on between you two.” DH couldn’t see that. As usual, he was grasping at any hint of a straw to show that she actually cared about me or about us or our relationship. In reality we all know what it’s about.
I’m struggling with moving past multiple betrayals that have happened in a quick succession , one right after the other. And ultimately, I think it’s very sad that if you can’t rely on your husband to share your innermost feelings and hold them as sacred, who can you rely on?
I would far rather DH go to a buddy rather than SD to discuss matters. I actually think that’s more healthy when it’s done with a pure intention,, which means he struggling with something on some level, and needs advice, opposed to filtering everything down to SD so she can sit a little higher on her little Pu**y Control throne of self-righteousness.
When I saw DH get out of bed this morning, I actually asked him to come closer so that I could see the back of his neck… I touched it gently as if it were burned her cracked, and then (think the Prince song)I said,” I just wanted to make sure what that was on your neck…Yup it’s pussy control whip marks, just as I suspected! I don’t know if there’s a remedy for that! You have your physical today, perhaps you should consult with your doctor about it, but of course you’ll need to call SD first and let her know what I said.” *smooooch!”
This is priceless! LOL
"It’s pussy control whip marks" and how did DH respond to that? LOL These 'Impressions' you were writing about are just about worse than just openly telling you that they told another person about you. I've had some really weird statements from DH's relatives insinuating that I am a b*tch to him. And I got that strange feeling he'd been blabbing again. One time I walked up while he was telling one of my friends that I had stolen his dremel tool. I said, "He didn't tell you that I paid $100 for a new one for him did he?" And he slithered away. It makes you wonder what kind of thrill they are getting by trying to make their wife look like a b*tch to everyone else. As I wrote before though, it goes both ways. DH sometimes tells what he considers little harmless fibs. If anyone asks me about it I will tell the truth - and then let him know I told the truth. LOL The look on his face is priceless. When he starts to have my back this might change.
DH is STILL on my sh*tlist for just standing there while I was having to defend myself in a hostile argument with another man who was accusing me of something I didn't do. DH was present when I was supposed to have done the dastardly deed.- he KNEW I didn't do it but he just quietly melted into the surrounding vegetation. This is when the CPTSD rears it's ugly head and I am having a hard time distinguishing where the line is between "Don't sweat the small stuff" and a "deal breaker".
When we were in the middle of
It seems they just do not get it.
When we were in the middle of our betrayal issues 4 years ago; DH says to me, "You used to be so sweet, now you are a b*×*tch.." My reply, "I cannot imagine who made me a b*×*tch. And, you never used to show and tell, now you do."
I reminded my DH that a person reacts to how they are treated. He never said anything like that to me again.
That said, I will never trust him again, he knows I know. The trust is, and never will be what it was.
Who Feels Motivated To Keep Being Nice When You Keep Getting
the short end of the stick? It's tough not to feel angry/bitter and like a dark cloud is hovering over your head, when you UNEQUIVOCALLY KNOW your DH DOES NOT repsect himself/his wife/his marriage enough to defend what he supposedly holds dear.
Exactly. Nobody wakes up in the morning, yawns, stretches, brushes their teeth and says, "I feel like being a royal bitch today" for no REASON. Something triggers the behavior, and quite honestly, some people just have a natural knack for bringing out the "bitch" in others.
I'm suffering from the trust phobia too. It is just so devastatingly heartbreaking when you have to accept they have talked about you behind your back, shared confidential conversations, and lied about it, and everytime they tell you something, you have to wonder if it's a lie or the truth.
DH was my everything, my world, and I constantly told everyone who would listen how I aboslutely adored him, and how he made my life beautiful. One of our closest male friends said, "DH, that must feel awesome. I have never had a woman tell me the things DW tells you. You are certainly the luckiest man I have ever met. You can see in her eyes how she absolutely worships you." I reminded DH of that a couple nights ago, and told him I can't even remember who that lady was that said those things and felt them in such a heartfelt, sincere way. She is lost, and gone forever, never again to be seen, I feel. They turned us into what we are, and sadly, when something like this happens, no matter how you may try to pick up the pieces, and carry on with your head held high, you are never truly what you once were.
*sigh*frown*
sandye21 He just kind of looked perplexed, and rubbed his neck
and shuffled off to shave and start the day.
Correct , rather than an "impression" just come out with it. Lay it all on the table.
It's interesting how when I hear DH talk, I instantaneously KNOW those are not HIS WORDS, but SDs, and I call him out on it. He looks at me sheepishly, as if to say, "How do you know that?"
Why would they lie, or paint us in the corner to be these horrible people? Don't they realize THEY CHOSE US? There's an old saying: "Never question your wife's judgement, look who she married." I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.
It's all so upsetting and strange how this morphed into what it has.
I remember you posting about that confrontation last week. I will never comprehend WHY they cannot stand up for the women they chose to share their lives with. What are we? Disposable? Interchangeable? "Mrs. Potato Head" in the human form?
The CPSTD seems to subside at times, but it's like constantly putting out fires, isn't it?
This one is a hard one for me
This one is a hard one for me also. I am completely disengaged from SD33. I do not ask DH about anything about her. Have not seen her for 3 years. DH goes to see her and SGkids everyweek. He tells her everything about our lives. Everything we do. If we go out of town she knows our schedule, who we are with, what we are doing. I hate this!!! She has no right to know anything about our marriage and our life. I know nothing and don't care about hers. I have told DH that I do ot want him telling her about our life. He still does. Because of this I do not tell DH anything about my life. "Silent Marriage."
When will these men realize they made this mess. Their children were not born this way. They made them the way they are. Take responsibilty for your actions. You want a normal loving marriage with your wife? Then you have to adjust the relationship with the sick offspring. You created them not to be normal. You make innocent people suffer because of the lack of parenting of your offspring.
It is no suprise that when a parent makes a child a substitue spouse, that the kid will be messed up for life, and feel that they have the same relationship with parent as a marriage should. They want an exclusive relationship with parent like a marriage. Sick! The part that surprised me is that I thought once SD got married she would not want that same relationship with DH. It has not changed. She still wants to be the only woman in her husbands and her fathers life. She still does not want DH married to anyone but her.
MOOSE...3 Years? Cheers To You!
How nice! I am so envious, and admire you for not bringing her up. As I am beginning to understand, this thing moves in stages. I am still trying not to bring her up daily, as just the thought of her/name/any aspect of her, makes me feel like 100 cats are scratching my brain!
I exactly know how you feel. SD knows our mortgage amount, our insurance amount, who it's with and so much more. I asked DH, "Does SD tell you all that about HER PERSONAL LIFE? You need to get a marital filter, and knock it off. What are you thinking? None of this is her business, so stop MAKING her a part of our marriage by telling her EVERYTHING." An enmeshed Daddee and daughter is a losing battle, I am discovering. How sad you are electing to have a 'silent marriage', however, I get it. I'm about to that point too, which feels terrible, as we used to have small talk about our day, and Im finding he would "conveniently' leave the big parts out, like, I called SD and talked to her an hour and then called our attorney and visited with the other attorney, and SD has knowledge (and actually encourages all of this) of it all, and for WHAT? Our marriage has really been tested because of this.
When will they realize that? They did create this mess. When I aske my DH about it, or tell him how angry I am at him he gets upset. He told me a few weeks ago, "I'm not going to live like this." I asked, "Like what? Being made to be accountable for your actions? What does that mean? You want to leave me? You're the one who repeatedly makes the decision to have conversations with SD about us and our marriage, so I guess you will be living like this, until you learn to shut your damned mouth." He is CHOOSING and ENCOURAGING the chaos and pandemonium. Precisely...they caused the shit-show-parade of a human being SD became...not us! I entered the relationship knowing DH had a turbulent past, emotionally with the ex, and I vowed to never put him in that spot, but to let him enjoy his days, love coming home, and anticipate our time together. However, once you are in the fishbowl, the view is VERY different than it is from the outside looking in. You begin to understand why the "ex was a bitch" and cleaned out all 5 bank accounts and left town with a new paid off vehicle and so much more. She reached the breaking point and made her exit plan. There are 2 sides to every story, and I'd love to hear it from her perspective. I do know DH told me she would tell him, "Your kids run the show." That is very tell-tale, if you ask me. Now DH denies ever having told me that.
The child does feel they are DH's equal when DH makes them thier "spouse." So often I have said I feel like the child in the relationship and like the SD is the wife. Kids are kids, not matter the age, and they are NOT THEIR PARENT' EQUALS, EVER. Boundaries must always drive the relationship. And it's also true what you say about when SDs marry, it's still the same o'l thing. They want all encompassing power over their husbands, and DHs.
DH and SD
Unfortunately I don't trust my husband when it comes to his disrespectful ungrateful daughter. He would never blatantly stand up for me to her even in the nicest way. I know he plays both sides and that I really never win. He loves that I have disengaged from her I hardly even mention her name and that suits him very well. I'm not stupid.
I'm with Lisa above, these
I'm with Lisa above, these kinds of men will do anything to stay in the DD's good graces--in an attempt to please, the unpleasable. Just tell him nothing you do not want repeated, prep yourself for the fact he will most likely at "sometime" share when she turns up the emotional pressure for him to trash you. If they are getting along well (I have learned all too well); he is most likely feeding the beast something about you..... just give him zero negative information to share with those happy to hear from sweet daddeeee about his blood sucking wife, LOL. On the other hand, if they are distancing, he may be backing off her manipulation. But, I will never fully trust that one again, either.
Never mention the brat's name, never say a word; go on with your life with him as if she never existed; because in reality DD does not exist to us if we are completely disengaged. Wish DH all the best in dealing with his piece of selfish work....she's the boss....and definitely more of a parent to him than he is to her....If it wasn't reality, it would be comical.
Next time you and your DH are
Next time you and your DH are with a friend or another couple start discussing your dh’s ongoing sexual issues and performance “problems”. See how he likes “oversharing”.