My boyfriends kid isn’t his...
My boyfriend is currently going through a divorce. He has a daughter. Backstory. He originally married this woman, then divorced due to inability to conceive, they divorced and four months later she came back pregnant with another mans child and told him that he could be the father and they wouldn’t tell the real father about the pregnancy at all. They remarried and five years later are getting divorced again, except now he is the legal father of this child. Two years ago the mother approached the biological father and told him about the daughter. Paternity test proved the relation. And the biological father is in her life without rights. My boyfriend now has weekend visitation with a daughter that is related to neither of us, has no right to see her biological father that she’s been seeing routinely. She knows my boyfriend is not her biological father already.
I am having a hard time accepting this. I feel it puts her in a hard position. We are talking about starting our own family. I feel this is going to put her through a lot seeing us with kids that are ours. Forcing her to come to a home and stay with our family. My boyfriend contacted her biological father about taking his rights and the mother told him not to and that it was all about child support. I need some outside perspective please.
You boyfriend made a dumb
You boyfriend made a dumb move (sorry!) by putting his name on that birth certificate. If his (not really) daughter calls him dad, sees him as dad and he has been the only dad for 5 years, he will probably be on the hook for CS even if he never sees this girl again.
He can attempt to terminate all rights and force the Bio to become dad, but there is no guarantee. He needs to speak with his attorney and expect to pay a lot to get out of this.
In most areas, the husband is
In most areas, the husband is considered the legal father of any child born in marriage. Since she was pregnant before marriage, he might have a legal angle for getting out of the situation, but it's usually a hard sell to a judge.
The big question is, does he WANT to stop being this girl's father? I didn't hear a word about that, only about how YOU feel about his relationship with her. I'd suggest you hash this out before you have children or get married. If you force him to give up rights (if he can) to a child he loves to make you happy, he's going to resent you. And if he keeps seeing this child, you are going to resent him. This seems unworkable to me.
He did try to contact bio dad
He did try to contact bio dad about transferring rights. That’s what his lawyer told him would be the best route but since the mom found out he’s been ignoring my boyfriends calls. My boyfriend agrees transferring his rights is best but has been haulted by the mom and bio dad.
I don't see anything wrong
I don't see anything wrong with your SD coming to your home and later being amongst your bio children with your boyfriend.
In the case of adopted children, this is quite normal.
Biology isn't a requirement for family.
What I do have a problem with is the dishonesty of your boyfriend and BM at the outset.
They made the decision - jointly- to lie and deny someone else an initial relationship with his child.
Nevermind, lie to the child herself.
Based on moral character alone, I would not tie myself to someone capable of this kind of wilfull deception.
You mention your thoughts on this, but I do not see your boyfriend's perspective.
The fact that he is not biologically related to the girl, doesn't mean he doesn't love her or consider her his daughter.
He may want to continue a relationship with her.
Given that your boyfriend is prepared to cast his parental rights onto someone else, please think carefully about having children with this man: he may walk away from you and your children later.
Where the BM in this situation is a nasty piece of work, your BF is hardly any better.
I feel sorry for the child.
I told him I believe that he
I told him I believe that he legally kidnapped this child. We have talked long and hard about this. Initially he wanted to keep his rights because it would make her sad for him to leave. And then we talked about how she’s likely to feel down the road knowing her bio dad. And later knowing he has no rights to her and her possibly resenting my boyfriend for keeping her bio dad out of her life. Eventually my boyfriend came to agree in the long run it wouldn be very hard on her. Unfortunately my bf just really wanted to be a father and made a STUPID choice. I’m mostly worried that as she grows up having two dads and a mom will be confusing and that she will come to resent my boyfriend once she understands the shady circumstances of the past.
At this point, it will not
At this point, it will not only make her sad if he leaves, it will damage her to be abandoned by the person she calls dad. He made a decision, he should live with the consequences. She can live better with 2 dads and a mom and a stepmom than she can feeling like her dad abandoned her because she was no longer convenient.
He can continue to be her father and let the bio father have access too.
blended relationships
From my own experiences, my brother had a child with a woman who had a child from a previous relationship and he raised that child as his own for many years and continued the relationship after they split up (not financially, but taking her on visitation days, holidays, etc) The woman went on to get married and have a third child. My brother married and has 3 more kids. It was hard at first, they get along so well now all the girls consider themselves "sisters"---no 'halves' or "steps". The two youngest, not at all bio related are best friends and consider themselves 'sisters'. My mom sees everyone as grandchildren and buys them all equal gifts. The kids are teens and older now and know the 'biology' of who they are (they all have relationships with the bio dad's) but really, it doesnt matter in day to day stuff--they love their parents and their 'bonus' parents.
This can be done in a healthy, positive way but only if all the grownups work together and not put the kid in the middle. You have to be willing to set aside the biology of the child and focus on the relationship. It takes more than just blood to be family.
That is the role my boyfriend
That is the role my boyfriend would like to play. But having her bio dad have legal rights. So she gets both of them versus the mom changing her mind and cutting bio dad out again and the daughter never getting to know him. The mom did it when she was born already so she could do it again. And it’s not right for the daughter.
Welcome to Step Talk. Hope
Welcome to Step Talk. Hope everything works out ok.
He is this child's father.
He is this child's father. Regardless of biology. It isn't like BM hid the child's paternity from your BF. He was in on this fraud.
IMHO it is too late for him to back out and abandon the child that he not only willingly accepted as his own but was complicit in keeping from her BioDad.
Certainly BM is a manipulative money grubbing POS but... you BF is no less despicable IMHO.
This poor young lady is doomed being stuck with such idiots as parents.
The only "parent" that she has that might be worth a shit is BioDad. But... that remains to be seen.
That poor kid!
It is a very non-typical scenario - the man accepting his non-bio because it is cheaper than fertility treatments, but sadly this happens a lot - the child, innocent of wrongdoing, is used as a tool - either for financial gain, or to stop financial loss.
Children seem like they have become a business, where they are both the commodity and service. Why not start rent-a-child, so you dont have to pay child support, and you can give them back when you want to? Honestly, the dude, your boyfriend, yeah he made a mistake, but he decided to go along with this weird scheme.
But everyone else said it better than myself.
Question #1 - if he would leave this child in the dust, due to simple biology, why would he stay with anyone?
Question #2 - If he could not conceive with her why would he with you? Onviously BM can ceoncieve, so its not and issue with her, she got knocked up right away...just curious...I guess...
#1: When we were discussing
#1: When we were discussing the stress put on the child over the next 13 years he decided it may be best to step back. She knows her bio father and he’s in her life. He didn’t want to walk away but is willing if it is best for her in the long run. Because him keeping his rights keeps her out of her bio dads life. Unfortunately BM obviously doesn’t see that.
#2 I have no idea if we will have problems conceiving in the future. But we can cross that bridge when the time comes.
It is doubtful
he can transfer rights at this point. All states have a time limit and no fraud was committed. He KNEW he might not be the father and agreed to be the father anyway. This is a child. A living, breathing child with a legal father, your SO. She can know her biological father and your SO can remain (and legally will probably have to remain) her father.
If he does abandon her then he is worthless anyway, so why stay with him?
Our fear is BM will pull what
Our fear is BM will pull what she did for the first few years of her life and decide she doesn’t think the kid needs to see her bio dad. And he will have no legal right to fight for her. Or for her to fight for him.
In reality
bio dad doesn't have rights because of the fraud YOUR BOYFRIEND and HIS EX committed. And he will never have rights. In most states the law is one year from the date of the child's birth to change the birth certificate. In others it is two years but there are rules in every state just to prevent this type of thing. Your boyfriend doesn't get to choose to ruin a child's life because he doesn't feel like being a dad anymore. He is a dad.
And BTW, mom didn't pull this alone. Your boyfriend was 100% behind this as well. He is not a saint or innocent. No one deceived him.
She chose to come back
She chose to come back because she knew he was the bigger payday. She mostly likely knew 100% it wasn’t his, and she eluded to him that it could be. She played on his emotion to getter a more secure future for her kid- and he bit it.
His eagerness to have a child is most likely something he will have to stick with now at the least financially.
BM would have told the bio dad that he can see her and doesn’t have to pay because you will be in his place-
She won’t hate your boyfriend for keeping her away from he real dad... she wouldn’t hate him anymore than she would hate her mom.
I see your point in this, but if I were you I would most likely be more inclined just to leave due to his stupidity.
i feel awful for this child.... sounds like no one really wants to take responsibility for her.
A few posters here have
A few posters here have written that family can be created regardless of biology .I agree with this sentiment. I divorced my husband, but my stepson is still a member of my family and household. I have no biological relation to him but consider him family. I don't have a biological relationship to my schnauzer or cat, but consider them part of my family too... If there is love, compassion and empathy, it will overcome the biology.
With the exception of the duped biodad, of whom you write very little, it appears that every other adult in this situation is selfishly considering their own wants and needs. This child is viewed as something to either be discarded, used, lied to.
What is even worse, it is falsely wrapped up in what they think is the best interest of the child, considering her emotional needs like avoiding confusion and abandonment issues. You seem like a good person, but I honestly have to tell you I find this reasoning disgustingly self-interested. It is so transparent that I myself would be embarrassed to convince someone it was my actual position.
I do wish the biodad could take full custody of the child. I would not consider your boyfriend a fit and proper person to be around any child. His ability to lie about the child's conception, steal the rights of another man, and callously mess up the life of a child by lying to her for his own self serving needs, appalls me! Now he has moved on with his divorce and the child is to be discarded "in her best interest" in the long run. It is shameful. Unfortunately it is not that easy to transfer parental rights to a third party. It would probably involve a complicated and costly legal process. Nevermind the emotional and psychological cost to the child. That is if it can be achieved at all. But, hey ho... The adults (maybe with the exception of biodad) in this are all morally defunct characters. It may even be easier for your boyfriend as a non-custodial parent to refuse all visitation going forward, allow biodad to have a relationship with his daughter, but your boyfriend still pays child support (CS) until a court orders it stopped or SD ages out. He never needs to see the girl again and can consider CS the cost of doing business with BM.
BM and your boyfriend have woven a web of deceit that trapped you, the child and another man. It is your choice to have a relationship with your boyfriend, knowing full well what he is capable of. When it comes back around to bite you, know you went into this situation with your eyes wide open. Honestly, I feel for you. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to walk away from this mess.
"If you were my daughter, I
"If you were my daughter, I would tell you to walk away from this mess."
My thoughts exactly!
The bf has a kid that is not biologically his, he doesn't really want her anymore and is already talking about making more kids with OP. SD is going to have some major issues and bf will likely waffle back and forth and parent out of guilt for a long time. Sounds like a lifelong mess to avoid.