Family traditions
I need opinions on this. I tend to be distant and like my space and things my way, so I can sometimes be blind to how things are supposed to go. So I sometimes need reality checks.
I’m from just outside of Boston. My kids and I love going into town. We walk through the commons, then go perusing through Faneuil Hall, check out the little shops, watch the street performers, etc etc. I never let them buy anything, this is just a let’s go look at the neat stuff but we don’t need it adventure. During the holiday season, there is a cute Christmas store that I let each boy pick an ornament from. This is a tradition that started with my father when I was young. And I’ve been doing it with my kids since my son was first born. (13 years).
Over the summer, my boyfriend and his 2 kids came with us for one of those times. And it was a disaster. His daughter wanted everything she saw and he caved and let her get a bunch of stuff. He offered to buy everyone something they wanted, which I said no to. We go for the experience, not the stuff. They acted bored watching the street performers and weren’t well behaved walking around the commons. I did not invite them back for subsequent trips.
Talking about the upcoming holidays, my boyfriend mentioned how he wants to include all of us on this special Christmas trip into town.
And I am beside myself. This is a special thing I do with my kids. It’s something we all look forward to every year. Its always a magical time. I did not plan on inviting him or his children with us.
He could start a tradition like this just the same. I’m not stopping him from doing the exact same thing. But I want my special time with my boys to myself.
Is it ok to have family traditions that are just yours? Am I a monster for not wanting them to come? And how do I say this to him?
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Comments
I would't do it. This is one
I would't do it. This is one of the few magic moments that you can really savour and you don't want anyone to stomp on it. I'd say that I was fine sharing transport with them into town but once we're there he and his are on their own.
How do you tell him you don't want the bunch of them? Remind him how much his kids HATED it last year
Why not go twice?
Why not go twice?
And if he wants to splurge on his daughter, so be it. Your "rules" for your sons do not have to change simply because your SO does things differently.
The problem is
The problem is that the splurging is constant. Anything she wants. Or throws tantrums when she doesn’t. She’s 6.
His son never asks for anything, so I don’t know if it’s just a daddy’s girl thing or if he would do the same if his son asked.
This is one of those areas
This is one of those areas that needs to get resolved if you intend to go forward. I would not be happy with a partner that was always splurging on kids. It's not good for kids.
Of course given that she's 6 and that she's always had it this way, it will be a hard transition for everyone. But she'll make it. Treats are special for a reason. OK, so she tantrums a few times, she'll figure it out.
My partner and I are both tight and the kids complain about it all the time, but they know that tantrums will do them no good whatsoever. So they don't do it.
Why not compromise....take
Why not compromise....take your kids when you want to, then you guys can take all the kids as a group. Then maybe sit down with DH and come up with something that is new to all of you and make that your new blended family tradition.
Yes, it's fine for now, BUT,
Yes, it's fine for now, BUT, when you guys move in together and join your families, it's going to be harder to justify. At that point you will be giving all kids the message that this blended family is not really a family, just two families living in the same house. Blending is hard enough without that. I'm not saying you can't do things alone with your kids, just that saying, "Well, we have our holiday traditions and they have theirs" doesn't lend itself well to blending.
It would be better to talk with him on new traditions and expectations for how kids will behave when you guys are out.
If you are going to stay
If you are going to stay together and try to blend families (not have two separate families living together) you are going to have to sit down with BF and have a serious discussion. That discussion is going to have to include a meeting of the minds on buying items on trips. BF needs to get on board the kids don’t get small items whenever they ask for them train or his finances will impact his part of shared household expenses.
I’d take them if, and only if, BF understood, and made it clear to his kids, that this is a trip to see the decorations, the free performers, and to buy one small special ornament. If he won’t agree to that, your relationship needs to be examined. Your parenting styles and priorities may be so different that it will not succeed.
He's just a BF. To me that
He's just a BF. To me that means he isn't necessarily included in everything you do.
Dating is like an audition. And judging by the last trip to Boston, his kids didn't get the part!
Make two trips so his kids don't ruin your tradition.
Alternative view
I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a bit - if you did take all the kids and it was a great success, then it could be a great way to have a joint tradition once you become a blended family.
I say this as a child free stepmom who feels stifled by the fact that all of DH’s family traditions feel preferenced because he has kids and I don’t. I also say this knowing how challenging it can be to build new traditions in a blended family.
A few caveats - 1) have a discussion with your SO about how important this tradition is to you. Explain to him how by not managing his children the last time you went into Boston, he let them dominate the day and that ruined your tradition. If he wants his kids to be part of your tradition, then he should have a talk with them about how to behave or manage them when they don’t behave. 2) Do you see a long term future with this man? If you do, then more reason to include them. If not, then don’t worry about including them.
If your SO can’t agree that he will manage his children and ensure that your tradition isn’t ruined, then his kids should stay home.
My initial reaction would be the same as yours, but if you want to not be miserable in a “blended” family, you have to be willing to let go of your previous life a bit. That’s one of the most challenging things in my opinion.
This is great advice.
This is great advice.
My SO's kids ruined one of my museum trips. Guess what - my son doesn't enjoy them much either. I don't care. But he's had a lifetime of being dragged to museums .so he knows how to behave. SO's kids not so much. I tried not to go full on with them anymore. But we still go. To me it's important that they are exposed to great art. I won't take them to pay exhibitions though... It was too much for me to expect them to know how to do it when neither SO nor BM take them to art museums.
As for you strugglingSM - you deserve to have some of your own traditons. Do what you can to weave them in this Christmas.
I like FB’s 5 rules. What I
I like FB’s 5 rules. What I would add is that IF these are not followed you will split for the day and meet up later to go home together.
If the efftard SD starts acting up you and yours exit right ASAP. Many people even in intact marriages split up when one family member is going to try to ruin everything for everybody.
Traditions r important
All of these comments are great! Traditions are important....keeping something/a tradition that is a time for you and your children is important....something that hasnt changed for them....something familiar is important to your kids. You have every right to keep that, I am a SM and I totally understand why my husband wanted to keep certain events just for him and my SS.
My SS really enjoys the things they do without me also....it keeps their connection tight n I respect that. We have shared many ups and downs and a blended family and for my SS's sake one thing that remains the same is important to him.
We have things we do and a family, things that is just for my DH & SS, and there are things that are just for me and my SS. Keep your tradition with your kids and if this relationship is going to be serious for u then maybe start a blended family tradition or a tradition just for u too share with our step kids...kids love one on one time.