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Shoe on the other foot

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Submitted by TwelveLongYrs79 on Mon, 10/15/2018 - 9:17pm

So what do you do when it’s your DH and HIS own kid that don’t ever get along?

SDrama18 always puts BM on a pedestal. Tonight, she in so many words told DH to go f*#% himself and how he feels, when he tried to talk to her about his feelings about how he can barely get a hello/goodbye living in OUR house but BM is showing up playing MOTY and she’s just golden.  My DH has bit his tongue for so many years. But he’s hurting badly...he’s tired of being treated like dirt, while BM does nothing, NOTHING, for this girl...and still is put up on high. He’s about to kick her out or cut her off from any financial support. 

Im considering therapy for all of us at this point, bc I cannot stand the constant strife in my house. Has it helped anyone? Does it get better? Or worse?! 

Comments

SM12's picture

Submitted by SM12 on Tue, 10/16/2018 - 6:33am

I have a similar situation.  My OSS20 and MSS17 have both been PAS’d out of our lives for over a year.   For several years they treated DH like crap.  Ignored him until they wanted something.  Didn’t respond to his attempts to reach them.   Ghosted him when he would invite them places or just plain be jerks.   MSS finally got so mad whenDH started standing up for himself that he said the most horrible things to DH and said he never wanted to see or speak to him again.  That was over a year ago.   DH has done ok with accepting that as they are not nice people.   He doesn’t want to be around such nasty evil people and he knows he cannot change them at this point.   

So will they ever come around???  I doubt it.  Maybe if they grow up to have a bitch evil ex wife who turns their own kids against them.  Maybe then they will see how nasty they were to a great dad.   I’m not holding my breath.   And yes...my life has been 100 times more calm since they stopped coming around.  I don’t miss them or care about them anymore.   So to answer your question...don’t expect any major revelations from your SD.   She will most likely always be nasty to your DH.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 10/16/2018 - 7:03am

My SS18 was alienated for 3.5 years and has recently returned (because BM wanted him to - long story).  He was only rude to DH via text, when BM was around, because he would never be rude when in front of DH. BUT, he's still superficial and completely loyal to BM.

Your SD puts BM on a pedestal because she's afraid of losing what little she gets from BM  - but at 19, your DH has to help her gain insight into that, and he can't allow himself to be mistreated. So I would start with a talk with SD about how she behaves being unacceptable, and that it's OK to have a good relationship with both parents, even if BM doesn't think so.  Follow with rules about how she needs to treat everyone if she wants to live there.  Then come expectations and a time line.

Yes, it can get better, and from what I read, actually, most alienated kids figure it out by their late 20's. But DH can't allow mistreatment in the meanwhile.  So, your door is open for her, but there are rules and expectations.