The solution that my DH wantswe
The solution that my DH wants is for me to be able to be around his children. He wants me to go with him to see his grandson when his daughter gives me permission. He wants me to go with him and his son to dinner if I have his sons permission. He wants them invited to everything we do and leave it up to them to decide if they will come. If we see them at a football game he wants me to welcome them to sit with us. He wants me to be happy for him if he goes on vacation with his daughter but she does not allow me to go.
Nothing in my DH’s solution has anything to do what is best for me his wife. It only has to do with what is. Best for him and his children. It is for my DH’s comfort.
Even though the counselor has label what has happen with his children as emotional abuse of me this is his solution. His solution has not one thing in it of holding his adult children of any accountability for there abuse of another human being. His solution has nothing in it about his abusive adult children changing. His answer to that is that he can not change who they are. He says they will never admit an
wrong doing. They will never apologize. They did not want him to marry and
they want it they way it was. They want to be the cent of his universe.
He will admit that they are abusive to me but , that he cannot do anything about it. He says they are who they are. He says he feels bad about how they have abused me but, again he cannot change who they are. He also says that they do it to other people as well especially his son. He also says that they do it to him also. he says his son should never Marry because he is so abusive and mean. Or he will have to find someone that can stand up to the abuse and take it.
It is amazing to me that he can see that the children that he raised are abusive people. He can see that they abuse him. He can see that they abuse me.
I guess that the most amazing thing is that he expects me to just take it like he does. That I should want to take it like he does so that we can be around his kids and grandkid. I should ignore the abuse. I should be happy if they allow me to go. I should not be upset if they don’t allow me to go. I shouldn’t take it personally.
His son said hi to me at the football game. DH told me that is a step in the right direction. He only did it because there were other relatives sitting by us. DH says I need to move past the abuse and just be happy that he said hi. He says I need to go to grandkid events with him even though I know that I have been trashed to everyone in the room. That it should not matter to me what those people think of me. Sd married into a really large family so there is always 50-100 people at all grandkid events. He says I don’t owe any explanation to all those people. Who wants to go into a house where everyone has been told horrible lies about you? BM aid always there also.
My solution. Never to lay eyes on my abuser again. When I did it brought all the pain back again. I am not willing to take the crumbs they might throw me. Healthy me says why would you put your self in any situation to let these 2 abusers make you feel like that again. NO way.
Making the situation into the victim having to suck it up to be around the abuser is crazy. That is how these abusers are made.
I know why DH us so set on this solution. What will he tell his grandson? He can’t tell him the truth. He can’t tell grandson his mother is an abusive narcissist. What will he tell him when he wants to see grandpa’s house? What will he tell him when finds out grandpa has a wife? Will he let the lies about his wife be passed to the grandson? How will he explain? How will he explain he has never met grandpa’s wife? The sickness will be passed to the next generation.
Do any of yours DH’s still want you to just suck it up and take it? How about the grandkid? Have any of you been in that situation of never even meeting the grandkid?
Essentially, your husband's
Essentially, your husband's solutionis for you to be a doormat. You are not his priority, at all. I would think long and hard about the future of this relationship. Can you be with a man who cares so little for your feelings or happiness? Why would you want to be.
And just a side note, your DH saying that his son would have to find someone who can withstand his son's abuse speaks volumes about your DH's character. It sounds to me like your DH and his children all need some counseling.
It would be in your best interest to NOT meet the grandkids.
Or to stay away from them (and their parents) as much as possible. You already know the skids will abuse you and when old enough the gskids will too. They will hear bad-mouthing of you which will taint their innocence, so they will learn you are not worthy of respect.
Why even go down that road? Do NOT get emotionally attached in any way to these gskids and do NOT think that you will change things by babysitting them, giving them things, taking them places, etc. They will greedily accept anything you want to give, and their parents will kick you in the teeth in return. You will NEVER mean anything to the gskids, because you mean nothing to the parents.
Most importantly, the problem lies with your husband. What he has suggested to you is that you be a willing victim and be abused by his kids/gskids because he doesn't have the b@lls to stand up for you!
I agree with Puzzled that your DH cares very little for you and his "solutions" are for you to be a doormat. Where I don't agree with Puzzled is that I don't think any kind of counseling for DH and his kids will work - these are adults who have already developed their personalities and relationship patterns over a lifetime. No amount of counseling will change it.
You only have so much time in your life. I would rather be alone and lonely from time to time, than be treated so terribly by someone who is supposed to be my partner in life.
Seems you have two choices: Either disenage from skids/gskids completely (refuse to have anything to do with them, including talking about them with your DH) or get a divorce.
"He wants me to go with him
"He wants me to go with him to see his grandson when his daughter gives me permission. He wants me to go with him and his son to dinner if I have his sons permission."
Your husband is delusional. Why would he even want to be with someone who would willingly go along with that, essentially setting herself up to be a doormat and to take abuse. YOU need to make the effort, but only IF THEY ALLOW it. Just because he's a doormat and a whipping post doesn't mean you need to be. Your position is correct, of course, and his expectations of you are ridiculous and unfair. I don't know how a man who loves you can allow you to be abused by his horrid children and even encourage you to go along with such abuse. I think your husband needs some serious counseling so he can try to get some understanding of why he's willing to be abused and allow his wife to be abused.
Bottom line, I agree with 2tired4drama - complete disengagement or divorce.
I asked him why he has stood
I asked him why he has stood by and allowed his children to abuse me. He said "I cannot answer that Question"
I feel like I am a survivor of this abuse. I know I will have some backward motion. But, I am done being their doormat. DH and HIs kids. I will not go back to being thier doormat. I like myself again. I know that I have been dealing with very sick people. My focus is me now. If DH can't live with that then that is his choice. I will only stay in this marriage with total and I mean total disengagement. I will never see any of them again. Period. I will not be talked into anything less. I will see from there. DH created this. It is now his to own. I will not own any part of it.
Just like everyone here says. They never feel that they have any responsibility in all of this. That all the responsibility falls on the shoulders of the person being abused. When you stand up and are really able to see what is going on(I couldn't have done that without all the help from here) you really can see the forest for the trees. You can see that all their games put such doublt in yourself. That is all apart of their sick games. This is not my circus, not my monkeys. I had nothing to do with making these sick people this way. You are right the sickness will just continue into the next generation. sickness breeds sickness.
Like you said DH needs counseling to see why he ok to be be abused and stand by and watch his wife be abused. Then maybe he can answer that question. Even with disengagement I will never have the feelings for DH that I once did. He lost my respect. I will never respect a man who does not stand up for his wife. That to me is the mark of a true man. He does not deserve that respect he gave it away to his very sick kids that he and BM alone created in to monsters. Thanks for the all the help! I really need the support.
YES!!!
This is your anthem for a healthy life! I'm picturing you standing on the top of Mount Clarity, all goddess-like as you speak your Truth.
You've got everybody's number. And you know that, owing to his illness, you cannot rely on your husband to have good judgement about anything kid related. You've removed yourself from the crazy and the cognitive dissonance. Well done!
Just do you for a while, and see where the marriage goes. This is what I did. I put our marriage on autopilot for a while, and focused on my own needs. We both needed time to adjust to the new norm of me having nothing to do with skids or in-laws. Surprisingly, we both got healthier as my DH got to experience what his life would be like with only his people for love and support (cold and lonely). He got used to the peace and enjoyed the absence of drama, while I healed and got stronger.
If your H continues to chase his abusive kids, you'll know that he prefers to be sick with them over healthy with you. BUT, you'll be in a better place to deal with that.
"He wants me to go with him
"He wants me to go with him to see his grandson when his daughter gives me permission. He wants me to go with him and his son to dinner if I have his sons permission. He wants them invited to everything we do"
Is your husband out of his mind?
He should never have dated nor married, since he obviously did not have their permission to do so. If he wants to take their crap and live by their rules, he should have stayed single. To expect you to put up with this bullshit, is bullshit.
Most people want to protect the ones they love from people like your steps.
Oh, yea...add this to what I
Oh, yea...add this to what I wrote below!
He didn't ask their permission to marry you, so if he's going to let them call the shots on who's invited to every event, you'll make it easy and always stay home. Why should you sit around waiting to be invited to an event you know will just make you feel worse? There's absolutely NOTHING in it for you.
"DH, I counter your solution
"DH, I counter your solution with no. This doesn't work for me. It causes me emotional and physical pain to be around these people, and the fact that it doesn't seem to bother you that I am in pain speaks volumes about your character. I'm not impressed.
If this is the solution you want, then you may have it. I'll have my lawyer contact yours with a separation agreement. I am DONE."
When this happened to me...
I flat out told my husband it's fine if he wants to be SD's doormat -- he loves her and for him I guess it's worth it because she's his daughter. "But I don't love her, I don't even like her, so enjoy your time with SD. I'm out."
When he pushed back, I put the ball in his court: "Why would I want to be around someone who treats me the way SD does? I'd have to have something mentally wrong with me to want to be around someone who treats me shitty."
This is a good approach because he can't debate it. He knows how his kids treat you. He knows he hasn't or won't demand better treatment of you. This puts it on him and them, but it's not on you because you're only doing what any sane person would do.
End of discussion.
You're essentially telling him if they can't behave, you won't want to be around them. So it's up to him to make it right or suffer your disengagement.
And that is that.
If your husband keeps pressing you, just keep asking, "Why would I want to be around people who treat me the way they do?"
Be confident when you say it, don't yell, don't get emotional. Just make it matter of fact because that's what it is.
You husband has no balls. He
You husband has no balls. He wants you to participate if his spawn give their permission. This guy makes me want to puke.
He needs to put his foot up the asses of his toxic prior relationship crotch droppings and let them know that you are his wife and they have no choice other than to STFU and be respectful or they lose him.
People like your DH piss me off almost more than people like your toxic StepSpawn. They have no spine, no character and have no business with life partners. If they can't put their partner first, they need to just chase their toxic spawn serving them their balls on a silver platter.
Grrrrrrr!
Rags I only can wish that
Rags I only can wish that would happen. It never will. He already gave them his balls. He doesn't have any left. Your wife is a very lucky woman.
I truly am sorry that you
I truly am sorry that you have to deal with this.
I'm with Rags on this one,
I'm with Rags on this one, where are your husband's balls? Some of the men on here are so passive, I've met 6-year-olds with more courage than them. I could have no respect for someone who not only allowed himself to be abused, but wanted me just to bend over and take the abuse as well. I'm guessing your husband grew up in a dysfunctional home where he learned to be passive as a survival mechanism, but dear god! To be so unable to at least see that you don't want to take the abuse anymore is crazy.
I could not be married to such a man, I would have no respect for him. My DH is not passive, and he really didn't realize how much BM had abused him until he was out of the marriage several years. When SS started acting just like his toxic mother, DH said he wasn't taking abuse from anyone anymore, including his own son. He ended up alienated from his son for over 3 years, but SS respects him, I can see it.
The sad part is that if your DH stood up to his children long ago, he'd have their respect, but now it's too late.
DH does not make the call
DH does not make the call regarding whom you would like to share your time. Only YOU know how you are being treated because your DH, like many others, will do anything to remain in their good graces. He knows YOU are in his pocket. Just stop...like a bad drug, just say NO. You tried, and you should have...most of us all do, very hard for our husbands. But, in due time your realize YOU are the only one trying and eventually become the victim targeted by the family-- for eternal abuse. You are worthless in their company; give them what they want. Say good-bye to these toxic, selfish people... if DH has an issue with it, he can go too. The minutes left in your life are too precious to give to these miserable unappreciative people. Take back control of your life with regards to this ridiculous expectation. Nobody appreciates you being there, including your DH....many of us have been there, and were forced to change direction.
When your DH says that he
When your DH says that he cannot control their actions remind him that he cannot control your actions either.
My DH fortunately has never pulled that crap. SS34 just does not exist in my life I have no animosity towards the grandchild, but he is not part of my life either.