Was the statement, "I want to get full custody of my son" followed by "How do you feel about that?"  If not, then cut your losses now, he doesn't care about your feelings.  In a good, healthy marriage, the children don't come first, the partnership comes first.  Yes, kids are important, but a marriage won't survive if the spouse's needs are always put on the back burner "for the good of the children".

Why does he think he can get full custody? Read through these boards, it's very hard to get custody away from a custodial parent unless there is a really compelling issue, such as neglect.  He may be able to get more time with his son, but full custody will be an expensive, long slog in Family Court.

At least he let you know where you stand before you got married. Did you express any concerns about living full time with his son? What did he say if so?

Explained how he was going to care for DS ?  What his role in son care  and what you have to do ?  I can not see how you can go into a new marriage with a special child where you are care giver.  Like he can’t afford help, so gets a free care giver and sex.  Not the man for you.  Without you would he go for son full time ?

And no he didn't explain very much because as soon as I said "I have a lot of thinking to do" he automatically jumped to "the door's right there if you can't handle him!" 

This is a very serious, life altering decision for you.  The fact that your FH was so dismissive about it and has the nerve to tell you where the door is tells me all I need to know.  I wouldn't marry him.  Especially since you also say he wouldn't go through with this if you weren't there.  He can't do it on his own, but he expects you to step up for a child that isn't yours?  A child that even his family acknowledges will be difficult?  I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, and perhaps the best thing to do is leave, as your husband directed you to.

No kid, even a special needs kid, should be the priority over the marriage and the equity life partners that comprise that marriage. Ever.

Kids are the top marital responsibiltiy but never the top priority.
 

If your FH can't gain clarity on this. Find a new FH.

Good luck.

Try not to argue. Just be factual and honest.  It’s okay to remind him that this is HIS child. I personally do not think you should volunteer to do anything- especially the legal legwork.  He’s likely to be unsuccessful. If you are involved at all I guarantee that it will ALL be your fault if he doesn’t get what he wants. 

“You hate my child”.  - no but I do not have parental love for him because I am not his parent.

”just leave”  - okay  I’ll make arrangements to do so.  

“You are a horrible person “   Well I guess you will be better off without a horrible person in your life  

It is right for him to want his son, it is right for you say you cannot handle it.   Sometimes things do not work out. 

I would lay your cards on the table You won't handle the legal battle. His son is his responsibility. You won't be completing child care, homework, cooking, cleaning. Anything to do with son is FH responsibility. Your job is to be FH's cheerleader not his mommy. FH needs to do the work not sign you up for it. 

If you were not in the picture as in deceased or disabled and unable to help out, what is his plan? 

Who is preparing the legal documentation? Because he hasn't asked you, he expects you to help him.

And why is he expecting someone who has no legal responsibility to his son to take care of him? You have as much responsibility as his co-workers. You are not his wife, you are a possible future wife. And what if you break up? What happens to his son then?

This being said I could not stay with a potential future husband who tells me to leave because I did not want to take over caring for his disabled son while he is at work. That is blatently unfair.

being placed in a no win situation. First your dh is making the assumption he can even get full custody. This will take a while and with lots of expense to do it. Second, it's not fair for you to have to watch his son all the time. He made this child with his ex and the child is THEIR responsibility. You can help out every once in a while but when it becomes completely expected then you are being used. It is unfair of him to place the care of his disabled child on you and unrealistic for him to even think that is acceptable. If he is doing this then to me it would be a  sure sign he is not ready to take care of a disabled child at all.

How can DH work and take care of An special needs SS ?   Who is getting SS ready in the Morning?  Who is taking care of him after school?  Who taking care of him when school is off, Summer, Holidays vacations ?  Let DH draw up a real written down plan !  How all this is going to work!   Then discuss SS being with you full time.  

Make a list of time of the day  12 midnight to the next 12 midnight.  Son is sleeping to 7 am who getting him up, who is dressing him, who is getting him ready to go to school. Who will get SS if he gets sick in school, what time will he gets home, who will do homework, dinner, ect,ect. See what his answers are 

I don't know if without me he would go through with it.

If he wouldn't go through with it on his own, he has no business going through with it, at all.

I would state that, unless he's prepared to handle all of his day-to-day care, including school, health, social, etc. than maybe he's best being with his other parent who is handling those needs? Make sure you don't phrase it as "I don't want to handle it" or "I'm not his parent" but moreso "one of his biological parents is best handling it." This is a simple fact. He's a child and he needs an engaged parent - not an engaged stepparent. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to pass off their responsibilities to someone unrelated to their child. 

He should understand that children are difficult at best, and unfortunately when they're special needs, they're a bit more difficult. That's also a fact. It's best for the child to be taken care of by someone who loves him unconditionally like a bioparent does. If he's not going to take care of him 100% and let you choose where you're comfortable helping, he needs to leave the child with his other bioparent who is taking care of him. 

I might sound selfish saying it, but I would be prepared to leave over this. Special needs children take up a lot of time and resources. When they're not your own, it's rough on a marriage. What if you want children down the line? Those children will come second (more than likely, because that's how it goes with special needs children) to his son FULL TIME. That's rough for everyone. 

I am in similar shoes.  I don't post on here all that often because I found myself wanting to just bitch daily and that isn't helpful for anyone really.  My hub's autistic son, 6 feet tall, 11 y/o, violent - moved in with us full time in June.  We are on the east coast, bio mom on the west coast.  We get no breaks and our marriage is cracking because of it.  We are in counseling because of this.  His son has not acclimated to our home, acts up with virtually any task demand,  screams, cries, pounds, hits, kicks, throws things, etc.  It's EXHAUSTING and I am at my wit's end.  Not saying my SS is the same as yours - just that I understand completely not wanting to fully jump into that arena.  For the past 3 months, our life has been turned upside down with medication monitoring, teacher phone calls (we're already on school #2 since last month), mental health appointments, IEP's, home behavior mod., the list goes on and on and on.  The playfulness and relaxation we once enjoyed is gone.  Sure there are moments, but a good 90% of the energy we have on any given day goes into this kid.  It's awful. 

The other thing I'd like to make sure you're aware of is how this level of full time care for special needs will also erode your husband, leaving less and less time and energy for you and your relationship with him.  Also as our therapist pointed out just this morning, SS is likely picking up on my resentment/anger over this which isn't helpful or healthy for him in any way either.  Just something you may want to consider and discuss with FH - is your home REALLY the best place for a child who needs SO much extra attention?  

Best of luck to you.  Let us know how it goes.  PM me if you want to vent more. XO

When you date someone who has children you have to be aware that at any moment the kids could come home to stay. Be it by choice or circumstances. Consider this your wake up call. Even if he drops this there’s no promise that BM won’t drop dead tomorrow and the police will be leaving the kid at your door.

You may find a way to make the relationship work but you have to figure out how to do it with the possibility of having the kid in your home 24/7. If you can’t then you may want to cut your losses now.

Please see this for exactly what it is!!!

A huge RED FLAG.

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Re-read all the responses and know that this will be your life. The choice is up to you.

You only get ONE life, make it for you!

What is the diagnosis of your boyfriends son?

When bio dad has 'parenting time' (foo foo fluff word for visitation) and bio mom has residental custody...the likelihood of dad getting full custody is rare to zero. UNLESS bio mom is a flat out in a stupper and kids are removed by cps NO joke. crack head, herion addict, drunk ...you know those kind of moms.

There is a trend where parents are ordered 50 50 shared physical custody. But FULL custody...nope not unless mom is looking at time in the clinker.

IS mom getting ssdi for the boy? Is the boy attending a special school? NOT an iep at school but special school.

I am sorry, i just read your summer post and discovered your boyfriends son's 'high function autism, some birth defects" ???? what ever that means.

but plays normal kind of boy. He Sounds very chatty lol.

I still haven't gotten past the fact that he showed you the door when you told him you wanted to think about the situation.  You're not married yet.  You feel like you can't speak to him without him getting mad at you.  I don't know how much time you have invested in this relationship and how things are otherwise, but I personally would not marry this man.  If you love him to the point that you couldn't leave, then try counseling.  If it doesn't work, maybe it'll make it easier to make a different decision.