I know I’m young and have no BC
Let me start from the beginning.
I met my fiancé three years ago at our place of work. Everything ended up lovely and here we are. Engaged to be married next year. Amazing. But it seems this last year of us being engaged has only gotten progressively worse. His daughter is going through her period, boob growth, and definitely attitude growth. He never seems to hear or be around when she ends up snarking me. All he sees is me constantly telling her to pick something up, clean her mess, rinse a plate, etc.
the thing is she acts like every time she comes round to the house is her first time here. She makes a mess, brings all her toys out, and just stares at her phone all day. Acts like she doesn’t have to clean it up then shuts down and nearly cries when I tell her to do something that should be logical. Every time I try to constructively criticize her she shuts down and acts like I’m about to beat her. My fiancé only sees that I’m picky and mean but he doesn’t see that she just blatantly won’t listen. Or even ignores me and does the opposite of what I said before. He doesn’t see that I’ve told her to do the same thing twelve times and she still hasn’t.
Im honestly just so tired of being ignored. She is such a sweetheart when she wants to be but the second she wants to be mean she just turns into her mother and I cannot handle it she rolls her eyes and tries to mumble and lie about stupid silly little things. The lying is honestly why I’m here, I don’t understand why she lies about little things to me then when I try to tell her father I end up being the bad guy in the end.
The worst part is I see a ten year old girl who is able bodied and smart. She should be able to wash dishes without us standing over her shoulder or having her redo them two or three times. If she can play on her phone all day and figure out what’s wrong with every technical device in this house then she is able to pick her room up or do dishes or take trash out like a normal god damn kid. She is so spoiled sometimes and he doesn’t even see how much he babies her and how much that will hinder her when she is older. I had so many chores at a young age once I started my period I got responsibility, maybe it was how I was raised but still. She is ten not five, she can do things that require her to break a sweat it won’t be a sin, but god forbid something is a little too heavy, she will cry and walk slow and try to get her dad to do whatever she doesn’t want to, and the worst part is, he always does.
I know it’s got to be her age and maybe even us getting engaged. She seemed upset at the fact that she thought her parents were married but they weren’t. Ever since my fiancé told her that she’s been extremely attitudey with me. I know I’m young and don’t have my own children so I don’t know the lines and what to do or when to do it but I would really appreciate some advice. Or even someone to talk to about all of this. Sometimes I just want to scream and pull my hair out.
Forever seen as mommy dearest.
She honestly
sounds like a normal 10 year old. Hell, she sounds like a normal 13 year old as well. And a normal 16 year old.
Try a chore chart and one household duty per day plus picking up after herself. This is what I have always done and being that we had four kids, they could rotate. But with one I would let her choose each day. If it's on a board then there is less nagging. Also had "chores" that she may enjoy....cooking and such. The kids we raised all love to cook an bake so while we were teaching them adult responsibilities they were also enjoying themselves.
You also need to keep in mind that you are not her and that her parents do not want her raised the way you were. There is nothing wrong with some responsibility. In fact I am a big fan of it but there is also no reason that once a child reaches a certain age that they should have "so many chores" that they aren't playing, reading, goofing off with electronics etc. They are still kids.
So a board. A board with reminders and then the expectation that she is old enough to complete those tasks. Less nagging and it puts it on her (assuming dad is on board). There could even be a "reward" at the end of a month for a month of followed responsbilities.
Oh and the attitude? It doesn't stop for a few years even with the best kids. Roll with it and pick your battles. Once number four reached that age unless she was being blatantly disrespectful (name calling etc) I just let every eye roll and slammed door go. I don't argue with her. She knows the score.
We have already tried the
We have already tried the board chart thing. Didn’t work once. She just straight ignored it. Doesn’t care about what good she can get out of it. She just doesn’t care if we don’t push her to. Her room will go weeeeks without cleaning. she would never shower. Probably wouldn’t change her clothes either. Think of a grown smelly man who just doesn’t want to do anything except play Minecraft.
Thats the other thing it isn’t like I’m taking away play time for her to actually do chores. For the entire time she is here she is glued to her phone or PlayStation. I feel like I’m helping her poor little eyes and brain relax from the screen for at least an hour. She hasn’t played in a year or two. I know it has to do with the tablet and the fact my FDH will let her watch and play whatever she wants so playing with her brand new hatchimal or using her awesome new paint set we got her is obviously out of the questsion.
The attitude I can kinda handle. It’s just the laziness and the way she acts brand new that I can’t take. I know the attitude will dissipate after so long of not reacting to eye rolls and smirks. I do let them get to me sometimes tho. Ha. But I try. I’m trying n
She is normal. It's your
She is normal. It's your future husband who needs some work.
If you are going to be his wife, you are essentially taking a parental role for his kid. He needs to prepare her for that properly, which means giving her the talk about how what you say goes just as if he said it. This isn't a power play by an evil stepmother. It's essential to keep order and discipline in the household.
He must back you up in front of her and talk to you privately if he thinks you're being too harsh.
Try some couples counseling NOW, before you're into something you hate and can't easily walk away. Get the ground rules down now for how discipline and child-rearing responsibilities will be managed when it's just you and SD. Get on the same page with him so you aren't fighting the rest of your relationship.
You and he need to have a really frank talk about this stuff. Please trust me on this. Even with the rules laid out, SD is going to challenge you every step of the way. But if you and he are on the same page, at least your relationship won't suffer as much.
I can't stress enough the need for a counselor to be the referee on laying the groundwork. He will fight you. But a third party telling him he's out of line makes such a difference.
And don't be afraid to walk away if things aren't shaping up for a situation that's fair to you.
And by the way, it may be puberty today, but tomorrow it will be that SD is stressed at school, fighting with her boyfriend, unhappy at work, planning her wedding...there will always be some excuse for SD to behave badly. So don't think it will clear up when her hormones settle. This is a lifelong dynamic and if it's there now, it's unlikely it will ever go away.
Thank you so much. I never
Thank you so much. I never really thought about counseling. I know it would be hard to get him to go though. Ha. But the referee but sounds like something I need ha. I think you’re right. If it stays this way now it will never change. Thank you.
You are 24?
Your info says you are 24, is this right? Being the SM to a pre-teen or teen is not easy. Have you spoken to your mom? Read some of the posts here. There are plenty of men who would be interested in you who do not have kids. I do not mean to be cruel, but I do not think you understand the burden a stepchild can be. I say that God made babies so adorable so that we would not not kill the kids when they became teens. Raising a child from age 10 is not the same thing.
If you do want to go forward, you and FDH have to be on the same page. You have to let HIM be the face of setting rules. Stop telling her twelve times. Tell HIM, there is a mess in the kitchen, etc. Let HIM deal with it. You may be logical, but he is the parent.
My mother and I do not have a
My mother and I do not have a relationship. I know that this doesn’t help my situation but yeah, I can’t realy ask about those things and my father is 74 and classic Mexican mentality and doesn’t know what went on in the house while he was working so using my parents as reference points would be hard. I know I don’t understand the dynamics of being a SM but I still feel very deeply for my FDH and I don’t see myself leaving because of this. It’s hard but I do love him. You’re right. I need to let him parent. I need to.
You and your Future husband
You and your Future husband (I wouldn't advise marrying him until after his parenting improves) need to sit down and discuss housekeeping. You need to tell him that you are constantly the bad guy and nagging her to clean up after herself. She is old enough to do this herself and he is old enough to remind her to do so as her parent. It is HIS child and HIS responsibility to make sure she is independent and self aware. Everyone is responsible for cleaning up after themselves and if his kid leave things behind then he needs to pick up the slack and pick it up for her as you pick up after yourself and him already.
Then from that point forward you need to stop disciplining her and nagging her but instead text daddy when the dishes need to be removed from the living room or the spare bathroom needs a wipe down....etc.
So you see, I have had the
So you see, I have had the sit down talk with him about how he should be more present when she’s here, she wants to spend time with him not the evil stepmother, but then I get accused of not caring and not wanting to be involved in this family. He sees my lack of a presence as a hinderance on us. So I took the reins back. The thing is he is either on his phone or playing ps4 or at band practice and too busy to deal with it or it’s too late to deal with it by then. Which I know is on him. He needs to get his shit together. But how can I do that and help him when he seems like he doesn’t care?
But thank you you for saying I already pick up after him and myself. No one ever realizes that the SO has to take care of the other one too so adding a SD into the mix of cleaning up after makes my head spin. Especially when she is just as dirty as he is.
Update; he has spoken to her
Update; he has spoken to her and we spoke lightly on how it wasn’t even the milk that got me upset, how he gets it she should have heard what I said and even if it was an accident she could have said that and would not get in trouble. I get it. Just fess up to having forgot but she immediately goes to nope I didn’t do it. So at least FDH is starting to realize that and see. He finally sat down with her and told her it was about the disrespect of being lied to that really got us upset, that she is old enough to know that lying won’t help her cause.
I feel a light pull from my shoulders as some tension releases and hopefully today at my sisters with the family will help kind of entertain my SD she absolutely loves my sister so I know I can always win her back with that. Hah. Is that bad? Trying to please her after we have a family quarrel? I don’t want to buy her love but I don’t want her to always feel like I’m mad.
I know it wasn’t the milk. It’s a deeper issue. I just honestly feel so much relief having people talk to me about this. all of your advice is heeded and being taken into account. I just feel alone at times and really all I think I needed was a place to vent hah. I didn’t realie it would help that much. I know I’m young and like a few of you have said, I don’t have to stay, but I want to. I want to be in this little family. We just need to work on some things.
I don't think it's bad you
I don't think it's bad you want his daughter to be on good terms with you! It's all about learning strategies and it's a constantly evolving thing. Good for you!!
First of all, DO NOT GET PREGNANT YOURSELF!!!
Do not! Adding a new baby to this mix is nothing but disaster and would be horribly unfair to that child.
There are many red flags in your story and most of them relate to your fiance. You've said he also plays on-line games, is in a band, is dirty himself, etc. He obviously is not spending time being a father to his daughter and that's part of the fundamental problem. He sounds like he is not fully mature himself.
Of course he lays a guilt trip on you when you don't want to be around. That's because he does not want to parent his own child and expects you to. So he can play games, play in the band, etc. He wants you to "take the reins" because he wants to play.
You cannot do more or care more for this girl than her father does. And he's not doing much. This is why you MUST be careful and not get pregnant. If he senses that you might leave, he will do all he can to keep you chained to him and this situation and another baby will be his way to do so. He doesn't want to parent, he wants you to.
The world is full of wonderful, available young single men without children who are working hard, saving money, being responsible and would LOVE a young woman like you. They would treasure and honor having you in their life. You would be the one and only mother of their children; there would be no ex or stepchildren hanging around for the rest of your life.
It seems as though you live in a somewhat rural area, so maybe there are slim pickings for men around as far as you can see. Don't accept that for a minute! You are young and free - there is nothing stopping you from moving to a community that may have more to offer you - including better work prospects and young men more suited to be a life partner for you.
So the real question is why are you in this relationship when there is so much more out there for you? When answering that, try not to resort to the old "But he's so wonderful and I love him."
Trust me. You can have more than one love in your life. This guy doesn't sound like the right man for you.
He’s fixed and I don’t want
He’s fixed and I don’t want anymore children aside from SD. So that’s not really an issue but I can’t really move. My family is here. I have a really great paying job. Especially with no real skills, I make too much to just up and leave. And it’s not like I’m resorting to something lame I’m just saying what’s on my mind. I do care for him. Every relationship has it’s up and downs. But I do know he’s not cheating. I do know he’s not a drug abuser. I do know he won’t abuse me. I’m willing to work on myself and hearing advice on how to do that is my best shot. I’m thinking about counseling for not only myself but the family perhaps. I now know my situation is now as good as it could be.
And actually the pickings are less than slim here. I’ve made out like a bandit. If there’s not a stepchild involved it’s drama with exes, family, etc. it’s a never ending cycle. I just want to fix my cycle. He’s a pretty good guy. He just gets lost. I need a way to talk with him and that may be best with a referee of some sort.
I agree with Rags.
If you think you've "made out like a bandit" with this immature man and bad father, then I even more strongly urge you to reconsider the fact that this is a BIG world and there are lots of decent young men in it.
You say you want to work on yourself and you want to "fix" this cycle of dysfunctional family. Why do you feel the need to do that? It's like being content to eat peanut butter sandwiches in front of a black and white TV for the rest of your life, when all you have to do is screw up a little courage, take a few steps into the world and see all the wonderful technicolor adventures and incredible people you can meet!! Why in the world are you so willing to settle for less??
You say you have no skills but I would disagree with you. I think you have more skills than you realize. You are clearly mature, articulate and well-versed -- as well as being a hard worker. Instead of going to a relationship counselor why not get with a career advisor and figure out what some options for you might be? I know your family is close, but I can only imagine that your family would be most supportive if they found out you might move for a wonderful career opportunity and a chance at a wonderful future including a young man who treats you like a treasure. Even if it's to the nearest big "city" there are bound to be more opportunities (and men) than where you are now.
Dear girl, I mean this with the very best of intentions. Pretend I am you, speaking to yourself, from 40 years in the future. Please, please take that step and find a future that isn't tied to this man and this one job you have. Be brave. Go out and see the world. Do that which you think you cannot do - and you will be stronger, wiser and better because of it.
The alternative is to stay where you are and continue to defend your choice by trying to fix something that is unfixable (including your fiance), wind up raising your SD and perhaps HER children someday (maybe a teen pregnancy in her future) and you will be ground down, resigned and bitter because of it.
The choice is yours.
P.S. Rags might also want to weigh in with how his SS's experience with joining the Air Force has been. This is something you, too, could consider. A chance to get trained into a valuable high-tech career, see the world, get free education benefits, a place to live while serving, good healthcare, veterans benefits when you get out, etc. It never costs anything to talk to a recruiter. And if you like to write, you can always ask about careers as a military journalist/photojournalist - yes, that is a career field! Imagine going around the world writing stories and taking photos while earning good money and great benefits ... just sayin'.
Thanks 2T4D,
Thanks 2T4D,
As for my kid. In short. He graduated from HS at 17. We funded his post graduation summer until he turned 18 at the end of that summer. He struggled with not knowing what he wanted to do. I am proud of him for being mature enough to know that he wasn't ready for college. We were disappointed at the time but... he was self aware and stood him ground not letting us force him to go to school... at that time.
10mos after HS graduation he reported for USAF BMT. His ASVAB scores were very high and they vectored him into Cyber Systems Operations. He completed 7 years in the USAF this past April and just finished his first year in Germany. He has two more on this Germany assignment and another 3 on his current enlistment. He indicates that since he is in for ten he will make it a career and do 20. Maybe more.
Like the OP, he is a writer. He has been working on his book for about 5 years and updates us on his progress regularly. We get a chapter in our inboxes upon occassion.
So, take a look at the alternatives and make one of them happen.
He isn't cheating and he isn
He isn't cheating and he isn't a drug user. There is a resume' for long term relationship success. Now we know what he isn't. So what is he?
Explain what makes him worth putting up with the crap for. Don't explain it to us. Explain it to yourself. Sure, the feelings. But what is the substance that makes him worth the misery?
Take care of you.
Like some others have said,
Like some others have said, this seems normal and I think fixable. Definitely frustrating though, of course. I think one missing piece is your man stepping in. The majority of this kind of parenting needs to come from her dad. You and him should sit down just the two of you and outline clearly what her responsibilities are, create a list of chores she needs to complete each day, and boundaries on when electronics are allowed. Then, dad needs to be the enforceer and communicate this. If he's part of this and is the one who communicates this to her, he will be more invested on wanting her to follow through. He'll be more likely to step in if she drops the ball.
Another piece that's missing is while dad does the heavy lifting on parenting, you should spend some positive time with her. Go out together and do fun things you both like. Go for walks, cook/ bake together, watch a movie together. When she finishes a portion of the chores, tell her you'll reward her with taking her to her favorite ice cream spot, or getting mani/pedis together.
Her attitude is just her teenhood setting in and her world changing in multiple ways. Understand she's going through a lot too, so I would ignore as much of the attitude and protesting as much as possible. Let her know you love her and you're there for her. Because at the end of the day, you're teaching her to be a well-rounded woman, and being able to clean up after herself is only a piece of that.
24 year old myself. stepmom
24 year old myself. stepmom since I was 19.
It doesn't get much easier. I remember reading posts saying "it doesn't get much easier" when I was 20 and joined this site. I thought no way, it's gotta get easier. One day we'll bond. One day she'll be older and more responsible. One day she won't be much work.
She's almost 7 now and nobody, other than me, tries to get her to take responsibility. Her father puts a bit of effort in, but he's ADHD so he often doesn't notice things. She doesn't clean up after herself, she refuses to tidy her room, she can't do basic things like pick out clothes in the morning without a fit. It's exhausting. If you want kids in the future, check out some of my previous posts. I had my baby 11 months ago and it's opened up a whole array of issues.
It's hard. I don't even want SD around because she's incredibly annoying - her lack of ability to just ACT HUMAN - take some responsibility over little things. If both bioparents aren't pushing it hard, there's no luck for stepparents. Kids need consistent reminders to clean up, do their homework, etc. and if it's only the stepparent, you come off as mean, controlling, and unfair. There's no way around it. Ask all the stepmoms here, they'll tell you, we're the big bad evil stepmoms.
Why? Because we want our stepkids to act the way our kids, if we have them or will have them in the future, are/will be expected to act. I'm not saying all of this to discourage you, just to remind you that you're in for a long, hard road and maybe marriage doesn't need to be immediate. My husband is the MOST understanding man on earth. He tries so hard to hear me out, handle my concerns with my stepdaughter, etc.
You know what I think? I think men aren't very "maternal" and they're not overly concerned with raising kids with manners, respect, and all that. I think men are more the "fun" parents (most often than not) so they do really struggle because it's not in their nature to nag kids to get things done. Women are usually the ones who are concerned with these things and push them. So for stepmoms, it's a lose-lose situation.
Our husband's are often relaxed, easy-going and trying to have fun with their kids, and in in-tact families, this works because their wives, the biomoms, are concerned with raising kids to be responsible and respectful. In stepfamilies, the dynamic is off and the stepmom is evil for doing and teaching what we naturally feel we should do and teach. Anyways, rant over. Being a stepmom sucks. That's the gist of it.
Id urge you read as many
Id urge you read as many scenarios on here. There are so many cases of women who put aside their own hapiness to be an unpaid housmaid/cleaner/cook/sex partner. You are too young for this. You will feel used and taken for granted Im sure. You are already falling for the rubbish that hes telling you... you say youve had a light talk with him and he pushed back but insinuating you dont care about his kid... that is the first sign hes using you. You are a convenience for him. Sorry, but at 24, youre still such a young human yourself... dont waste it on this guy!! PLEASE! You really dont realise just what you have at your age until its too late!!