She showed up last night!  An hour late - she took the elementary bus home instead of her regular bus.

DH thinks she was trying to negotiate with BM; BM let DH know that she told SD14 she needs to go back.  Well, good on her.  She hasn't spoken a word to DH.

He discussed it with me last night.  Lots of DH guilt over divorce (not his idea, BM initiated it) and not seeing SDs much for almost two years (BM had high-powered lawyer paid by daddy and DH spent thousands fighting every little thing).  And that added guilt.  I just let him know that what happened in the past does shape him but he can't parent from fear.  And that he needs to treat SD14 like how she's acting - a spoiled brat is a spoiled brat.  He then said something about how 'kids these days can't live like adults..." WTF?  DH, that's because their parents do EVERYTHING for them - no chores, no rules, no expectations, no ramifications.  That's not real life!  He says, "Well how to they understand real life then?"  Me, "AGAIN, chores, rules, expectaions, ramifications."  DH replies, "The SDs don't have things done for them."  Me, laughing, "What?  You do EVERYTHING for them.  They have no chores, no rules, no expectations, no ramifications!  Of course SD14 thinks she can do what she wants, because she always has."

Then he starts in on the "you're judging me" and I cut him off.  "DH, you wanted to have this conversation - I cannot parent them, that's been made very, very clear.  I can only give you my opinion of how I see it.  If you don't like it, too bad, then don't ask." 

It ended on a good note, and I told him if he wants to talk with SD14 he'll have time this weekend.  I'll be in another town with a friend for the weekend (yay me!) and SD12 can spend the night at a friends house.  It's up to him to deal with this and he needs counseling and I'm not that.

Well she was in her room or at school for two days of no talking. Yesterday she had to talk with DH because she has a bad cold. Then he asks me what to do. I swear parenting is so far beyond him sometimes. I told him what he needs to get from the store.

She actually joined us at dinner table last night. Although DH swore she'd eat what there was... I actually snorted at the idea...even if she wasn't sick the food was not in her ''food choice area" and I knew she wouldn't eat it. Not my issue.

She was pleasant and well behaved, even if feeling horrible. 

And I'm not there!

Amazing what one can learn be keeping a mouth shut (i.e. me).  Well, I was out of town for the weekend, came back, SD14 had a bunch of stuff in the sink.  I simply asked DH if she had done anything to help over the weekend.  He muttered some kind of answer which I interpreted as "nope" and so I washed the stuff and put it in the donation bin. 

DH told me later he had "talked with SD14" yesterday.  I said, "Good." Then changed the subject.

SD14 showed up late at the dinner table, after DH was fumbling around the kitchen trying to figure out what to make for her.  Because she cannot, of course, eat what we are eating.  He decides to ask her, heats up some frozen noodles, which she won't touch because "they are too spicy.  You know my mouth is sensitive." Since this is his SECOND attempt to get her food, he tells her to just forget it then.  She goes to make herself her plain noodles, he doesn't want her banging around in the kitchen while the rest of us are eating.  She sits back down, stares at him and says, "Is this better Daddy?  Where would you like me to be?"  It took all of my being to not say "Back in your room would be a start."  But I didn't!  And then DH backed down and didn't answer and she took over by going back into the kitchen and cooking again.

I haven't said a word to her since Friday evening and I'm very glad.  And my G*d did she STINK last night.  She walked by me and I practically gagged.  Nor have I said anything to DH.  And I will not say antying to him at all.  He can deal with it.  I suspect, based on his past behavior and what he was doing last night that she "won" again.  And he's playing guilty dad.

Meanwhile, her room is probably the worst I've seen it in a long time.  And I will be trash bagging it again this next weekend most likely - no discussion.  My house, my decision.

So SD was at our home on Wed then went back with BM early again yesterday.

I'm wondering if it was because of her room.  Her room was CLEAN.  I was suspicious...DH didn't get much work done yesterday and he was in a bad mood - he gets this way when he's stressed about SDs or something personal.  It didn't seem like it was work related (just my hunch).  I'm betting he had a go-around with SD14, either helped her or cleaned her room for her AGAIN (I just don't see her doing it herself b/c she NEVER has), lost a lot of time going grocery shopping and she likely gave him a lot of her new found attitude and he's POd. 

Whatever.  Extra night of no stress for me.  SD12 even cooked dinner for the three of us. 

SD14 was at our home for the whole time allotted during the week, but back at BMs for Easter. DH was complaining about it but BM usually has them then and he didn't have plans. But I'm ok with it! 

Anyway, the other night SD14 asks me, in a snotty voice, no consideration, "Cover, when ARE we going to look at paint color for my bedroom?"  See, I offered some time ago to help her paint a pink wall in her room. Before her attitude blew up and before we knew she wouldn't be here as often and before she let her room really go.

Cover: Well, I'll tell you what. I've been thinking about that. You know that we had to re-do part of your bathroom (necessary repairs) and I have to work on that first. But let's make a deal. You keep your room cleaned up for two months and we'll do it. Your room was beyond acceptable this last time and I don't want it happening again. 

SD14, clearly pissed: FINE. But then you can't come in my room and move my stuff any more. (I moved stuff onto her bed once to find the source of smell...filthy underwear and disgusting socks were part of it and were thrown away)

Cover: This is my house and I will go anywhere I need to.

SD14: it's my room and my stuff.

Cover: I pay for this house and your things and I will do in anytime I want.

Discussion was over. DH talked with her later. Told her I don't go in unless there's a problem (true) and it's been a problem. And asked her if she treats her room like that at BMs (I know BM makes her clean it and BMs room is across from hers and can see it everyday), she had no answer for DH. When he told me I let him know it's because she doesn't care.

She also admitted she wants to go every other weekend next school year for sure. Which we figured would be the case since she wants to change schools. And in that case DH and I have to discuss rooms...he wants to potentially rent out her room but I'm not so sure about that. I want to move SD12 there, get the guest room into SD12s room and make more needed space in his office.

DH admitted, fully on his own, after another bout of nasty words from SD14 (which he handled well but she's INCENSED that she be told her behavior is unacceptable), that he feels guilty when he admonishes SD14.  I made sure I didn't jump all over that one to scare him off, but told him I think that he's normal for feeling that way, but it's part of parenting, to correct her and make sure she has the skills to become a good adult.  He agreed and is working on his guilt complex.  In fact, he didn't cater to her at all the rest of the weekend, she pouted in her room and he let her.  He made her clean up her hair in the bathroom (!!), he didn't worry that all she ate for dinner was quinoa with butter and salt. 

Hoping he continues to work on this.

Another tantrum from SD this morning about staying at our house this weekend. She hates it here. So I'm done interacting again. Her room is becoming a pit again, obviously she doesn't care and she shows it. I'm not touching or discussing anything about that room or our deal with her (to repaint a wall if she keeps it cleaned up) until the end of May. I'll likely have to do another clean sweep of it once school is out... I think she won't be at our place for much of the summer.

It's been nice when SD14 is not with us. SD12 becomes this fun, cool, involved young lady.  She sticks more to herself when her sister is there (not as bad as it was recently), but man, we had a good weekend.  I've always been less disengaged from SD12 - she's got a generally better attidute and WANTS rules and LIKES general order.  So this weekend we ran errands, *I* arranged a get together with her and one of her friends, she helped make dinner on Saturday and Sunday and wanted to help with dessert last night, even though I told her she didn't have to.  We signed her up for an art class camp this summer. She did her laundry.  She cleaned out the bathtub. She did a babysitting gig. She accepted a paid job I offered her and I'll give her some extra because she did beyond what the task was.  We had a good conversation with DH about why she and her sister aren't coming on vacation with us next week and didn't freak out and asked valid, smart questions. 

She's the opposite of SD14. I know DH sees this and has be asking himself, WTH?

DH and SD14 are getting into it every weekend she is here. Again acting as the entitled teen she has become. This time DH reminded her she was to pay him back for a portion of the Costa Rica trip as was agreed upon from the start. She replied that she was just going to ask relatives for the money...wow. 

So they get in big argument, ending with SD saying she hates it here. DH says fine, pack your stuff and have your mom come get it. 

He contacted BM to discuss but of course she's not being helpful. DH talked with me and I was very careful not to say too much, just don't involve BM more than necessary, get counseling, and why is she like this? Well, she does what she wants when she wants so why should she care? 

So she's not here again, DH can kiss his $ goodbye again, and we'll see if she comes back at all.

She didn't come again this weekend, as I expected.  DH didn't hear a word from her.  He did have what seems like a good conversation with BM about the situation and they agreed to get her into counseling.  DH admitted she's impossible, attitude beyond even 'normal teen' behavior.  So that is GOOD news.  He just needs to follow through with it. 

Meanwhile, we're discussing summer travel plans and we agreed that we cannot make them yet because we're not paying for SD14 to go too if she backs out of it (or jeopardize the whole travel plan for everyone) last minute.

SD14 did not show up Wed/Thurs again.  They are with BM this weekend so it'll be another two weeks w/out seeing her. 

I must admit, I'm enjoying it although DH is feeling stressed and sad, which I get.  Hopefully he'll find a counsellor soon.

Another good thing about this whole situation is that DH is more able to talk about it, his feelings, and SD14 without putting his frustration on me. So we can talk about ''lack of boundaries' and ''no responsibility' and the excuse of ''she is just a kid" to avoid reprimands/corrections  when she was younger. 

He's also actively looking for a counselor, not just talking about it and looking into a Skype session counselor, which would be great as there's not many family counselors in our area.

And he admitted he's enjoying the time off from her.

SD14 is still not here. BM is actively supportive of her decision, and I suspect, throwing DH under the bus (gleaned from emails DH had me read). He hasn't found an available counselor yet, stll several more to call. He's looking into on-line counseling but BM prefers he find one in person, which may be impossible. I suspect sone mild PAS at this point. 

DH is really upset and projecting a little onto SD12, who is not like her sister. I've been more involved with SD12 overall and am continuing that. I'm helping call counselors as well. But I cannot express any options, opinions or thoughts with DH right now or he'll just snap at me.

Overall though it's been nice for me still. 

DH and I went to a friend's house for dinner. The husband said he wasn't surprised SD14 is acting the way she is and she 'had issues' all along. His wife said, 'It must be more peaceful at your home.' DH was a bit flummoxed. I know they were not fans of SD14 in the first place...

Good news - a hopefully lovely counselor has been found.  I spoke with her on the phone this morning and she asked a lot of questions.  She's near our home, available, and focuses on 'non-traditional family structures.'  She has asked to see SD14 first, which is exactly what should happen.  Now it's up to DH to confirm the appointment with BM and make sure SD14 shows up. 

...and DH's stress with the counseling continues...

He gets off the phone with BM last night, comes to me and says, "BM says it's going to be difficult to get SD14 to agree to counseling..."  I say, "Effing ridiculous!"  DH, "Wait, let me finish...blah blah blah."  Me, "Effing ridiculous still! BOTH of you are giving 100% of the power to a 14 year old!  Unbelievable!"  DH, blinking.  "And you wonder why she is like this?  It's insane!"  DH, "Well, what would you do?"  Me, "Pick her up after school that day, drive her to the counselor.  If she chooses to sit in counselor's office in silence for 50 minutes, so be it.  Why are you giving a 14 year old a CHOICE?"  DH, "You're right, it's just maintaining the staus quo. I'll talk with BM again."

Haysus Christo!  What is wrong with the parents?  IF DH tells me that the plan is on, I'm wondering if he'll realize that he needs to get to the school BEFORE they are let out so he can get her before she beelines to the bus - because I'm sure that's what she'll try to do, ignore DH.  She's so far, bent on NEVER EVER coming back to our house or visiting DH (I'm happy with the no visiting but POd she's treating DH like sh!t over basically nothing but an argument about her behaviour - but not surprised) again.  Per BM. Who, I now believe is exacerbating the situation - PAS in a teenager is on, esp. if BM doesn't agree to DH's proposal to get her to the counselor. 

BTW:  this is an awesome counselor who works mostly with troubled teens and non-traditional family structures. She's fantastic and exactly what we need.  So if this doesn't work, I have little hope DH and SD14 will be reconciled.

I think DH is now officially having major issues with SD14 not showing up.

He was mentioning something about how he texted her how nice it would be to see her this weekend...and then told me,  I don't think she'll show up here at all until after school is out (and she HAS to be with DH because BM is going on a vacation).  He also discovered she took a bunch of stuff to BMs - her room is quite empty (and full of dirty clothes and sheets and towels). He said, "Wow, she must have been planning to leave for a while."  Since she'd have to take things here and there in her backpack. 

He's now concentrating on getting himself into some counseling, I hope.  He's almost impossible to deal with - he said something about SD14s counseling appointment and I said, "She's going, right?"  He mumbled something and walked away - so I now suspect BM and DH are not going to make her go, and all the work I did finding a great counselor was for nothing.  And if she doesn't go, then no more help from Cover. This counselor finding was my only nod to helping DH but I'm not going to be the only adult any longer.  I'm done again - I haven't minded discussing it with DH if HE brings it up but I need to now practice, "I hope it all works out.  What do you want to do for dinner this weekend?"

DH called BM last night and it didn't go well.  I was right, BM is not concerned about SD14 not having contact with DH.  She states she is "encouraging" SD14 to go to counseling but then says at the same time she doesn't undertand what the big deal is, she's just a teenager, life's hard for her, and that DH yells at her 'all the time.'  DH was floored.  He told BM, "She's 14 for G@d's sake!  She's a teenager, and I don't yell at her I correct her."  DH couldn't believe she was only taking a 14yo's opinion as fact and told her so.  BM was telling DH to stop 'yelling' at her - I could hear her on the phone, but DH wasn't yelling, he was just emphatic and upset.  I confirmed this later for him.  He told BM that it was very concerning she didn't think that this was a big deal because if it was happening to HER it certainly would be.  And that it doesn't just effect him and SD14 but the entire family.  And the longer it goes on and SD14 refuses to talk with him or anyone about the problems, the more difficult it will be.  And he's RIGHT.  I left the room after the initial exchange because I didn't want to hear more.

In the end, I do think he said too much to BM.  He isn't going to cancel the counseling session for SD14 yet.  He suspects that SD14 was listening to the call - he asked BM twice if SD14 was listening for some reason and told BM that if she was it was NOT appropriate.  I'm going to tell him he needs to limit contact with BM to email only.  No more calls.  Get everything in writing (like I've said before!). 

And DH has scheduled his own counseling session with a different counselor.  At least he realized he needs this.

SD ended up going to a counseling appointment.  She went there on her own, after school.  The counsellor let DH know that she thinks it went well and is leaving it up to SD to decide to make another appointment before the end of June.  So that's good.  Then DH asked me what are next steps?  Don't know DH, ask the counsellor if you have concerns.

The 'family counseling' is also not covered by insurance.  This is standard.  And outrageous.  The only way it seems to regularly be covered is if a doctor refers one due to urgent issues or it's court ordered.  Do it on your own b/c you are concerned about your kids/family?  Out of luck - they won't pay.  And people wonder why counselling isn't done with these troubled kids? 

Anyway, DH is concerned about the cost, as usual.  He's thinking he can cover about 3 more appointments but after that he cannot do it.  It's really not that expensive, IMHO, but his job situation, yet again, has become an issue and I refuse to cover him any longer and he knows it.  I think he was hoping I'd say "don't worry, I'll pay it!" but that ain't happening.  And there's no way he'll go to BM. 

SD14 should be back from the Costa Rica trip today. We will see if DH gets any Father's Day messages (likely not). SD12 asked me for help and she's helping me cook a big BBQ tonight so that's all good. 

SD14s middle school promotion is next weekend but she hasn't said anything to DH. I'm willing to bet she's not going at all (she 'hates' anything to do with the area). 

Then she is supposed to be with DH for two solid weeks, until July 4. I am dreading that. But maybe she won't be here for all of it. 

I'm sure she'll be mad about her room, DH and I had to clean it as my relatives were here last month and used her riom. She's going to have to make her bed and everything....the horror. I'm going to be glad once we move SD12 in there so it's more manageable.

Well, BM asked DH if he was going to the middle school "graduation" for SD14.  He asked me if I wanted to go, but said he understood if I didn't.  I told him 1) I have zero interest in going and I think you understand why and 2) I cannot get off work early as I have had no notice of this until now, so even if I wanted to go I cannot get the time off (because several other co-workers have kids graduating as well).

Still not a word from SD14.  I'll be interested to hear from DH how she treats him at the ceremony tomorrow.

So the Middle School promotion ceremony went exactly as I thought it would.  Per DH:

He arrives, attends ceremony.  Afterwards, tries to walk up to SD14, with a card (with cash in it), and she grabs a friend and RUNS away from him.  He goes back to BM, who takes card and says, with a grin, "She's just not ready to talk with you yet."

I'm freaking FUMING at this story.  But, DH has it understood.

1) If SD14 does not thank him for the gift or contact him in any way within the next week and a half, then we will clear out her room, put everythign in boxes/donate and make it into a room SD12 would like.  2) He will not be contacting SD14 in any way.  If she refuses to contact him or attend any more counseling sessions, then it's on her (and BM really).  3) He will continue with his own counseling sessions in the meantime. 4) she never contacted him on Father's Day - as I thought.

I told him I was disgusted by both SD14 and BMs behavior.  Suggested he STOP TALKING TO BM about any of this.  Keep conversations with her to need to know/emergency only.  Do not trust her.  He understands that she is likely actively condoning (duh) SD14s choices.  He started slipping at the end of the conversation to 'oh, people change...." but he caught himself, corrected that and said that it could be a long time before we see her again and he has to just reconcile himself to that.

Today the cleaning out and re-painting of SD14s old room begins....we are going to re-paint the dresser too and get rid of all the pink decor too (in any case she hates pink now so it shouldn't matter one iota). Will feel good. 

The plan is to have that room (including floor) totally done by September. Then SD12 can move in there while we slllllooooowwwy re-do the guest room. By which time we guess SD12 will like the new biggest room better. (We think she will not choose her sister's room on her own die to fear/loyalty rather than need/best room choice)

So all is going well so far still.  Still not a word from SD14.  The room re-painting should be finished this weekend.  DH boxed up all her stuff that was laying around or in the dresser.  Found an open bag of sanitary pads in her nightstand...told DH those shouldn't be there but in the bathroom, bet she's been changing her pads in the bedroom.  DH says 'oh, of course she's not..."  LOL - I said, the minute you have a period you have an opinion.  Cue silence. 

DH still hasn't washed/sorted her clothing which he was to do by this week (so painting can be finished) so I'll be doing that and it's all going away per my judgement.  He was warned if he didn't do it I would take care of it my way.

Then we'll be all set to re-do the floors in the bedrooms this fall and move SD12 into the bigger room.

DH has been working with a counselor still, which has improved his ability to deal with all this.  He can talk about it with a little less angst and see what's going on a little more clearly.  He's also recognizing that the advice of his friends needs to be carefully judged since they are all still married and have well-adjusted kids.  None of them have experience with this specific family situation.

DH is going to invite SD14 to our 'family vacation' that was planned (before she left in April, we didn't even get a chance to tell her about it) in August, at a location fairly close to us.  We planned on both SDs coming, so there is room for her.  DH talked with his counselor about it, and then me, and I agreed.  However, if she does come (we both don't think she will, it's not 'fun' enough for her I'll bet and involves some outdoor activities) and her attitude stinks she can sit like a bump in the room.  We don't cancel and we don't go home early and we don't cater to her. 

Bedroom painting will be done today! I'm going to re-paint the dresser too, for SD12. SD14 only used it for junk storage and SD12 needs a bigger dresser. Took down the curtains and DH agrees with the new color we will get. I bought new sheets (guest sheets) since mine were worn out. There is another set that will fit the bed so no new sheets need to be bought for SD14 (if she ever shows up). She ruined two sets in two years so I will not buy her bedding.

I washed and sorted dirty clothes that went to donation or are set aside for SD12. DH never took care of the rest of it, so I put it in a trash bag in the closet for now. Not touching them any more. 

The room looks great. Can't wait till the floors are done this fall.

So SD14 never replied to DH regarding his invitation to join us on vacation last week, neither did BM for that matter.

We did find out that she is continuing to see the therapist to our surprise. That's good but who knows what the outcome will be.

And SD12 told me that at BMs she doesn't know what bed she will sleep in on any given night because SD14 tells everyone where to sleep. And BM goes along with it. DH was floored when I told him that...just no words.

Well, SD14 is apparently getting on SD12's nerves.  SD12 told me about the bed issue last week and then yesterday about a trip she took with SD14 and BM.  SD14 had the window seat on the way there and SD12 wanted it on the way back (her first trip there so she wanted to see).  She asked SD12 for the window seat but SD14 refused to move even though she was doing nothing but looking at her phone.  SD12 said BM didn't make SD14 move either, instead the two of them had to wander around to find a place to see out (on a train).  So SD14 wins again.  Great parenting BM!

DH heard this story too and was PO'd again.  But knows he can say nothing but "Well, BM is getting her just rewards isn't she?"

Apparently she's also not eating special food BM buys for her upon request so SD12 is eating it instead - just like what was happening at our house.

And DH's bday went by with Zero word from SD14.  His thoughts?  "I'm kind of done with her right now."

DH and I were discussing the upcoming holidays for planning - we're taking, hopefully, another trip to visit his family this year if it's affordable and I asked if he had decided to take SD12 with us or not.  He's still thinking about it, but I know that as soon as SD14 gets wind of it she's going to use it against DH "why not MEEEEEEE" will come out and another reason to disavow her dad.  But it also puts SD12 in a bad situation as she deserves the trip....he's got some thinking to do.

Also found out that SD14's 15th Bday was already planned for BMs back in April (she told DH this then so adds to our thoughts she had this exit from our house planned) even though it's on his year.  Good!  I won't get her anything, not even a card.  I don't think DH is going to get her anything but a card this year since all the $ he gave her since April (a class trip, commencement) have gone thankless.  No contact from her at Father's Day or his Birthday.

And we don't expect her for Xmas either - that's TBD still...

Well, DH had a talk with BM this weekend.

And he seems to have handled it most excellently.

Just a summary: 

He agreed to meet them after SD12's school open house (so I guess I'm not going to this, OR I'll go and take SD12 home with me depending on what day it is) and give back SD14's box of stuff and bag of laundry.  DH and I will discuss what stays in a few weeks (i.e. bedding/pillows).  He is wary of this meeting being all about SD14 only wanting her things back - yes, good DH! 

BM's reticence about "making" SD14 contact him even with just a text or something, or a thank you for the $ he sent earlier this summer, came down to her not wanting to ruin her relationship with SD14.  WOW - confirmation of Disney mom!  DH and I had a good discussion about this and he's just PO'd about BMs attitude and how it's not going to serve SD14 well because she has no Expecations and she's Entitled.  OMG - DH is understanding this and how adulthood, after age 18, SD14 will either live off others or crash and burn.

He also made it clear to me that if SD14 does come back (very minimal time is his expectation - he mentioned holidays which made my skin crawl...note my above references to her bday and holidays coming up and the timing of this), that she WILL abide by OUR expecations, he will make it clear to her that she doesn't call the shots in our home. 

I am very proud of DH for thinking clearly right now and being very conservative in his view of this; I do not have high expectations.  Since she's wanting her things back, I think she'll be gone, gone, gone.  He was a bit sad, saying that it's only three years now until she's 18 and on her own - and she'll not be living with us (nope!).  I did reassure him by reminding him that she is smart, and just maybe it'll take until she's on her own to understand this whole mess.  Mostly I kept my mouth shut and let him talk. 

Thanks SSH!  That's some good adivce.

DH has also decided to not meet BM/SD14 the same evening as SD12's school open house.  He would have to meet them either before (and deal with a time deadline and if it goes south have that on his mind while at the Open House) or after (during which he has to deal with SD14 being around before talking with her and her potential attitude) so he is going to insist that handing over the goods will be on another day.  He does think she just wants her stuff and that since BM will be there it's easier.  It also lets her avoid coming to our house - he'll be at the school anyway....soooooo....Good on him.  Told him that's an excellent decision and keeps the focus on SD12 not her sister/situation.

...And BM knows we're working on updating both bedrooms SDs use.  And said SD14 probably doesn't want to "see her room taken apart, it will upset her."  LOLOLOL.  This is the kid who basically lived in a trash heap, hated her room and everything in our house.  I call BS on that, another excuse.  Like she'd be allowed down there anyway.

DH also got a text from the therapist, asking how the bill will be paid.  ROTFLMAO!  What the what?!  He sent her a simple text telling her he's not involved, contact BM.  The gall!  BM has the insurance on SD14, BM makes the appointments and gets her there, BM has met with therapist....Therapist was paid by DH for first session he and I set up; it was for family therapy.  Since then both DH and I have had our phone calls/texts to therapist unanswered and neither of us has any involvement.  We didn't even know she was still going until August.  BM is on the CO to cover medical - and BM even asked for DH to cover half the co-pays a couple weeks ago (half of $25!!!! Seriously).  Um, no.

DH is now railing about child support - I will not discuss this with him because he gets so emotional about it.  Basically he pays the minimum, it's really not that much.  But turns out he hasn't paid for three months!  And they took it out of his retirement account - because they can!  But he is still to this day PO'd that BM took basically his entire retirement account (was in the six figures) and resents the child support because of that.  Oh, plus they have essentially 50/50 (but on paper 51%/49% thanks to the state!) and she makes more.  I told him she'll never, ever agree for a modification; he will be asking her for one but I told him he's better off keeping with the status quo, esp. since SD14 is no longer at our home.  He did say that if she disagrees he'll just keep paying.  I'm really mad about this since it effects his retirement and our plans to travel abroad and don't get me started on the late fees, etc.  I told him he was over the line about this and I couldn't talk with him about it unless he discusses it rationally as it effects me as well.

DH and I had another good convo and we both were able to talk about expectations, feelings and plans for this fall.

* He's not to fall behind on CS again, period.  Just because you don't like paying a bill doesn't mean you get to skip it, esp. if it effects your spouse.  I made it clear that's not acceptable to me. He agreed to set up auto-pay if he doesn't have a W2 position (he works mostly contract).  Not paying hurts no one but himself, and indirectly, me.

* He is getting more involved with the school and SD12's classes/teachers.  He would like me to be involved as well, so he's to let me know when events are.  The open house does not involve kids, so I will stay home that night and have dinner with SD12.  He gets to deal with BM.  I'll be there the kids presentation day though.

* He wants to take SD12 on our family visit in November.  So he must let BM know this know for multiple reasons.  He doesn't care right now how SD14 may think of this.

* He said that if SD14 does sometimes stay with us in the future, it'll be short and she'll have only the guest room (yes, as per we discussed) and will have expectations - we talked bout that a bit; i.e. what expectations?  He didn't know.  I suggested, dinner together, help around the house, clean up after herself, not leave the room a mess when she leaves, etc.  He's like "But she won't be here that long, she can't be expected to do things."  WTH?  I explained that even guests, good guests, do all this - they participate and engage with you, they help with dinner/meals, they clean up after themselves, offer to do their laundry, clean up the room...then he understood.  We are not a hotel.

But that's far into the future.  At least we are on the same page with it still!

....and as he and I expected it didn't go well.

First the meeting place changed from a mutual agreed on neutral place to one that was only beneficial to SD14. BM told DH it was a 'miscommunication.' I told him likely SD14 threw a fit about having to meet him at original place. He was like, 'Of course! Why didn't I realize that...'

So he shows up. SD14 is there with a family friend (not a neutral party at all) to act as a witness and mediator (a joke). He's not happy about that. And SD sets a 15 minute timer, says "I'm being forced to do this." 

DH let her talk for ten minutes. Basically bashing him with untrue statements like he yelled at her all the time, made her do things (cleaning, chores) she didn't want to do, she was forced to be in her room, he didn't communicate with or help her, etc. Just amazing how twisted it is in her mind. 

He said he remained calm, told her he loved and missed her. Asked her what she is so angry about - which he said threw her off. She also, as I predicted, blamed him for not contacting her. He showed her the texts (says she didn't get those) and reminded her of the cards he gave her (she didn't want those anyway).  He asked her what she wanted, but again that threw her off. And he told her she has a place at our home if she wants to visit...her response to that was a snarky "Do I really?" He said yes, and it's being upgraded, like the other downstairs rooms. Her response, "I liked it like it was." Again, BS.

After 15 min the 'friend' called it over. DH told SD that he wished her well and left with no goodbye, he just walked away he was so upset.

I think he did good. He's obviously still shaken about how cold and negative and calculating she was. He also asked, why are they doing this to me? I just said that some people are so wrapped in their own world they have no understanding of how they hurt others. That they just are not nice people, and you cannot correct them 

He has now blocked them from his contacts for now and decided no more contact with BM (finally) unless it's a true emergency. We are also reading "Co-parenting with a toxic Ex, what to do when your ex-spouse tries to turn the kids against you." This is very important because I have seen some signs that SD12 is being manipulated too, but she's less of a risk, however DH needs to understand PAS more.  

SD12 spent a week with us just before Thankgiving (BM has SDs during the 4 day holiday every year) and it was fine.  She's talking a little bit more about life with SD14 with me, and I'm super careful to not judge or say anything more than, "That's interesting, what did you do?"  SD14 I think makes life tricky for SD12 (because SD12 likes it at our home) but all we can do is act kindly, support her and her ideas and move on from there...she has indicated that she wants to be in an after-school program on Tuesdays which makes it more difficult to get back to BMs those evenings, so DH is going to broach the idea of SD12 staying with us one extra weeknight.  I support this so we'll see how that goes over.

ANYWAY, DH is very aware SD14's bday and Xmas is coming up soon. He was fixated on getting some gifts this past weekend when we were out.  We got some things for SD12, no issue.  But I refused to help with anything for SD14 - told him that if he wants to now get her something (he said before he was only doing cards now since she's totally rejected him, but finds it ok to accept $ and gifts with no thanks at all) that's 100% on him. However, I would advise him to spend a minimal amount on a gift card only.  End of discussion.  I hope his "guilt" issue is cut off soon!

Recondiliation should be happening, presents given in abundance, past sins forgiven and everyone happy together.  YEAH, not so much!  DH is having issues with SDstb15's bday and Xmas coming up. 

He's kind of moody last night and tells me over dinner he sent an email to BM for two things, one to ask that SD12 stay with us another night, every other Tuesday, so she can take advantage of an after school program (BM lives a long way away and it's a long commute for SD those days - this would make it much easier for her and I'm on board with it) and also asked that SDstb15 be at our home for the week of Xmas (as is in the parenting agreement).  He asked my opinion.

I warned him before I gave it that he might not want to hear it and if not, I will stop.  He wanted to.  OK - so I told him that it's fine if she wants to be here but 1) I will not be doing ANYTHING extra for her 2) He needs to understand that if she does come make sure it's not a gift-grab and if she only agrees to a couple nights, like Xmas eve and Xmas day be triple aware of that and 3) I will still not be getting her any gift other than a token and 4) I don't think it will happen as BM is NOT on his side and 5) equal gift giving (!) in this situation is crazy!  Both SDs are not nearly close in deserving special treatment my g*d!

So then we talked about what Xmas is, what he wants, why he's upset. etc.  All totally understandable. Then we talked about our plans for the next few weeks NONE of which he even wanted to commit to (i.e. shopping day, going out to dinner, going to a friends house, etc. all fun "holiday" things) - so I said to him that fine, if he doesn't want to commit then I will do MY things only and he's on his own.  That it's not fair to me to have to compensate, but I won't get too bent out of shape about it but he needs to be aware I won't help any further if he's not going to participate.

Moved on to other topics like him doing something for me I've needed since August that I need to have done NOW.  He got all irritated and did it (only took him 10 min!), tring to blame me (nope, not having that buddy!), etc.  I asked him when he was done WHAT was he REALLY mad at?  Spill it.

Well, turns out he got an email from BM (he saw it after dinner).  She says that SD12's schedule requires much more conversation (because she has to be in control) and that they haven't even "debriefed" about DH's meeting with SDstb15 yet.  Great.  So, DH tried calling BM, she doesn't pick up thank goodness.  DH and I discuss emotions, being under control vs. "cold" and putting himself in a situation where he is sure to get blamed.  Stop thinking others have his best interests in mind, they do not!  Think before reacting!  He wants to go cold turkey no contact, which I have been against from the start.  Stop contact with BM except for things to do with SD12, BM is not going to help with older SD, period; keep sending once a month texts/emails to older SD - even though it may come to nothing, that line of communication is there - it's essential to keep it IF in the future she comes back (which I think she will) and don't every expect resolution; and also do your reading about this!  He hasn't even picked up that book on PAS I gave him, he started ripping on the book but hasn't read it - ok DH, then you do not get to discuss this with me much further...I've done the reading and research and have a plan, I don't have kids so I don't understand but I CAN sympathize!  I CAN give feedback IF you want it.  Maybe write SDstb15 a personal letter, make a copy for yourself.  Just an idea.

Anyway, Happy freaking Holidays!

Just to add: 

*DH was upset that "no one" was helping him.  I told him to call his sisters, call his cousin!  Do they know what's going on?  Has HE reached out for help?  He tried telling me that since older SD once thought I was an 'important person' in her life that I should be trying to do something. Nope!  Not having that - this is a parenting thing, and I'm not stepping in the middle of that one!

* DH was very concerned that Xmas gifts would not be 'even' between SDs.  Since when is that a motivaiton here DH?  You want to reward someone who treats you like cr*p?  Really?  It's called treating others with respect and kindness year round, not just when you want stuff.

* And he was also "worried" that poor BM would have to wait on Xmas celebration if SD12 is with us, and they (she and SDstb 15) have to have Xmas later because of schedule.  And who's fault is that DH?  It's "hard" on BM!?  WTF? 

DH spoke with BM again about the situation with SD14 (she's almost 15 and I'll have to start a new thread or something).

I don't agree with him speaking with her any more, she's clearly not going to be helpful.  But anyway, I didn't overhear the convo but could hear that he did not yell and did not lose it; he just sounded upset like a dad who cannot see his kid and calling her on her BS.

Basically what he told me was that she confirmed that SD gets to do what she wants - DH was not happy about this and said BM thought any structure or rules or expectations was "authortarian" parenting.  I had a good chuckle about that and asked him to remember back 2-3 years ago when he told me *I* was authortarian for wanting structure, chores, rules, expecations for SDs in the house.  He didn't like that but couldn't deny it.  At least he gets it now, and also understands it's likely too late for SD14.

SD has also said she's "not welcome" in our home, which is utter nonsense.  She's welcome, but not if she's going to treat others terribly.  Her room was re-done, yes.  She doesn't get to make all the choices and demand others do her bidding.  DH asked BM why in the world is she believing a teenager over adults....because then BM loses her favor!

I don't think that SD will be contacting DH anytime soon.  After our talk about it, I think he's resigned to the fact that there's not a lot he can do with the situation at this point.  But he's going to continue trying, which he needs to do.  I just told him don't get lost in it because SD12 and I need him.

Meanwhile, DH would like to get SD12 to stay at our home every other Tuesday for the after-school activity.  BM told DH, only if she can "make up the days" somehow.  WTF?  Is she forgetting how many days DH has NOT had with SD14?  Does she not see the incongruity in her statement?  And this is not about her, or us, it's about making sure SD12 can participate in school as much as she would like and have the freedom to chose more if she wants to.