Am I off my rocker!
Hello, okay so my SD (17) is living with my SO and I and I have requested that she pulls her weight, helps out around the house when we are at work ( vaccuum, dishes etc). And for the past 2 -2.5 weeks it's been great, I have thanked her, I have told her how good the house looks everyday! To show her how much I appreciate the help i bought her a wall unit that I am transforming into terranium for her lizard . I picked up the wall unit yesterday and this week she has not helped out at all. I have my entire family coming to see our new house this long weekend and I only have tomorrow off. She knows this and we have discussed it all week. And she hasn't lifted a finger to help with anything , oh except she do the coffee mugs in the sink and pick up the dog fluff off the floor. My SO thinks I'm being irrational about this. I asked my SD about this week and I got an eye roll , shoulder shrug and a meh from her. And the my SO went to her and right in front of me said to her " I don't know why she is so mad". And walked away from me and left me sitting in our house by myself, to as he put it . Calm the f*** down !
Am I wrong for blowing up and wanting the expectations from my SD to continue. !!!!!!
please help!
Is it
Her time of the month?
No, it isn't lol.. I wish it
No, it isn't lol.. I wish it was , it may explain a little bit.
Return the wall unit
Return the wall unit. Or take it over to a friend's house. It was a reward for help and a good attitude and that went out the window. Why, especially when you really need the help with guests coming, would you go ahead with the reward? And as far as your SO, it is time for a talk about treating you like an equal adult rather than another child in the household. That disrespect is inappropriate and clearly where his daughter gets her belief that she does not have to listen to you. Hopefully it has not been going on too long and you can nip it in the bud.
I got the wall unit when I
I got the wall unit when I was sure everything was finally on track with her helping out . It has only been this pass week that her attitude and lack of helping has showed it's face again. And as far as my SO goes. We had a discussion before my SD moved in, and I got told by him that " no matter what I got your back !" Yea okay clearly he doesn't . I confronted him about his comment to his daughter about me and I got told " well, I guess I don't have your back! " :-(
Damn.....
Damn.....girl, that is stone cold! I don't know how you didn't completely lose it when he said that.
I was tokd the same thing by
I was told the same thing by my ex fiancé " you're always going to be number 1, don't worry, you're thinking doomsday scenarios "
I was right all along and he tossed me to the side like yesterday's trash too when his daughter wanted something
" well, I guess I don't have
" well, I guess I don't have your back! "
I understand, guess I'll just have to hire someone, perhaps the teen next door (with your money) to help get things done. I've pulled the ol' hiring the work out trick. When my over worked teen sons were too busy to mow the lawn I offered to pay a neighbor kid to do it and lone and behold you should have seen my kid jump into high gear. He wanted to do it himself and get paid. Same thing for something that needed to be fixed in the house that DH was too busy to do. I got the number of a local handy man and had him give me a quote, funny how DH suddenly had the time and energy to do it.
What all is she expected to
What all is she expected to do? Was she doing "above and beyond" to get the lizard thing and now she backed off to "normal"?
Maybe she did feel a bit
Maybe she did feel a bit piled on.. maybe someone said she shouldn't have to do "so much". Or maybe she just got a little lazy. Maybe since she thought that this special event was for you that she shouldn't have to go to special measures for it? Maybe she didnt' realize her obligation was long term. Maybe she got frustrated because she saw the two of you make messes that she was then expected to clean up.. like your dishes or leaving clutter around? I think this would be an appropriate thing to have a discussion about with her. We can all guess what her motivation was... but only by asking will you know.
Hey, SD.. we were really pleased with your help around the house and expected that part of your responsiblity was that you would keep up the good work. Everyone contributes in the household.. and these chores were yours. Why have you stopped doing what we asked?
Shutting off her internet
Shutting off her internet access and cell phone is much simpler than the maybe.... what if waste of time.
Oh aren't you evil to suggest
Oh aren't you evil to suggest that SD help clean up and pull her weight! I have teen boys and have dealt with this, I'm such a wicked slave driver for suggeting they do their own laundry and dishes. What works for me is doing chores with them so I can train them to do it right. Plus the work goes by faster and we have some bonding time while we're doing it.
I'd say the wall unit stays locked away until SD helps you do what you ask. She can spend the time working with you until the house is presentalbe for guests to arrive. If DH thinks you're so unreasonable then he can pay to hire someone to help you or do it himself if it's too much of an impositon for SD.
The problem with rewarding
The problem with rewarding what people should be doing as a matter of course is just his situation.
I take the painful consequences approach. If they don't do what they should do I bring the pain. If they do what they should be doing I lower or remove the pain. If they go above and beyond I up the pleasant existence factor slightly. If they deliver at a stellar level on a regular basis... that I reward with a notable improvement of their life's pleasant factor.
That way I am not disappointed when they revert to their usual crap and they know the consequences before hand.
Quit rewarding and start bringing the pain. That will work. It has since the dawn of humanity.
Standing ovation!
Bravo Rags.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I have always struggled to understand why parents reward children for chores or punish them with more chores and otherwise celebrate what should just be daily activities. Not doing chores should be punished with something far less pleasant so that doing the chores is an improvement over the punishment.
Teaching work ethic is not about celebrating the mundane it is about showing a kid that not stepping up and doing what they should be doing has very unpleasant consequences.
IMHO of course.
I would run from this
I would run from this household...move out on your own...wait until sd is over 18. If your relationship is worth it...it willl last.
Don’t expect anything from
Don’t expect anything from her and don’t do anything for her. Let her know how it feels to know that no one gives a crap about her attitude. Let HER dishes sit there until there are no more dishes to use. Let the house go to waste and you go off and have fun. If your guests are important in your life they won’t care if your house is messy. They will feel sorry for you that you live with crappy people. The more you show SD that her behavior bothers you the more she will do it. Pull attention away from her since that’s what she values the most. Let her feel ignored. Medium chill.
My best friend came to DHs
My best friend came to DHs pigsty once when I was living there and her response was “oh my god how can you live here with these people? They are disgusting.”
Children need to make
Children need to make themselves useful around the house its that simple! DH shouldn't promote laziness. The young lady will have her own home soon so she just might as well start training herself.