I’m kinda new to the “step mom” role.  And I'm sorry this is so long. Back story first whej I met my SO it was instant attraction for both and he was so scared I would go meet someone else so he asked me if I would consider focusing on just us.  We have been doing that since.  He is goofy, patient, waits on me hand and foot.  The problem though was that I was nieve about all the expectations he first put on me concerning his kids and BM. As we got more into the relationship he first though a step mom had to do things the mom did(cook diner, do laundry, discipline, help with homeworkk... etc). Actually I felt the kids weren’t my concern at all because their not mine. I told him this and caused conflict for months until I told him they are his kids, he made them, I didn't. Told SO this all you and eventually he got it. I also do not have kids of my own and never will.  There aren’t many kids I like and I can only handle very short periods of time with them.
 

Basically he has 2 kids. They are 2yo and 7yo at this time, but when we first met the one was less than 1yo and the other one was 5yo.  There are also 2 BM.  The BM of the older skid is my SO ex wife. I have no problem with her and that skid is very sweet. She lives in California with the skid and we only get him for Christmas and a few weeks in the summer. Also when skid visits he stays with SOs parents.  The other BM was a FWB arrangement and she went off birth control and promised my SO that if she got pregnant she’d get an abortion.  Then soon after that she told SO that’s she’s pregnant and keeping it and she wants to be with him when he made it clear the whole time he wants nothing to do with her in that way ever.  This is the BM I have had the problems.

When we became public it was done by SO putting a post on Facebook because my niece said something funny to him and he wanted to share it. Then at midnight he gets many text messages from BM saying “ how dare you be seeing someone”….”I thought we agreed that you would give us a chance"…” I feel led on since you’ve been seeing this woman for months behind my back”…”why wont you ever choose me" etc..  Basically for six months I had to deal with a BMs wrath.
As far as SO agreeing to be with her he never did. BM was harassing him about how they should be together and he said he’d think about but after 2 seconds decided he never wants BM.  Never has and never will. When we first met he was living at his parent's house because he just got out of the marines.  During this time she would take the baby over there for my SOs visitation with skid. but she would stay there the whole time giving everyone resting bitch face.  Then he wanted me to meet her and his skid so he invited them to his moms house for his birthday.  All BM did was sit away from us holding skid close to her giving everybody resting bitch face and wouldn’t talk to anyone.  Later she ended up running out of SOs moms house and proceeded to text him “ that women will never be around my son again".  He told her off, put her in her place. SO wont let anyone disrespect me.

Then my SO wanted me to come to skids 1st birthday party which was going to be her family and his family.  I didn’t want to go but I went for him.  When we got there no one would talk to me and I got such nasty looks.  Heard people saying nasty things behind SO and my back.  The BMs mother was standing in front of a table with her minions saying “ I cant believe he brought that tramp.”  When we got home he called her and told her off until she cried.

Then my SO had the brilliant idea that if we all sat down and talked it would clear all of this up.  So we all met at SOs moms home and BM brought skid.  SO was in the living room with skid.  BM and I were sitting close to each other at the table to talk. I try to start friendly conversation and her facial expression turned to rage and BM barely responded.  Then she looked at me and said “why should I let you around my kid.”  My reply was I’m going to be his step mom so since I’m staying with my SO that is the only reason I need. Of course SO fell asleep when this happened, but he told her off again. 

After this BM would still come with skid to SOs moms home while I was there and sit there and not leave. Thing is my SO is so attached to me he always wanted me to come.  So I would have to sit there while she held the baby while outwardly looking miserable and rude.  A few months later she called him and asked him if he would  have another child with her and he said absolutely not. BM then cried “ Why don’t you want me”. “How come no one picks me.”
After that I was done. Even  though he always stood up for me and took my feelings into consideration I was done. When all of this was going on my SO moved in with me which made things even worse with BM. I told him that I don’t care if he wants a happy little family and everyone to get along.  With BM this was obviously not going to happen so I made certain demands bc I wasn’t going to live like this.  I said BM is never to drop skid at SO moms ever again. I said to SO that he needs to go pick up the skid at BM place and bring him back. Also BM was not allowed anywhere near me so he promised I’d never have to see her again. Basically she is not allowed at SOs parents or our house ever. ZSOs discussions with BM would only be about skid and when he picked skid up there will be no hugging or friendly talk.  Boundaries needed to be set and SO agreed and kept his word. When he  told BM this of course  she cried and said her usual things.

Other reason I put my foot down on SO was because I got very sick.  Lost my ability to walk, had tremors in my legs, hands, shoulders, and other places that greatly limited my ability to perform normal tasks.  Was in the hospital for a week and inpatient rehab for 2 weeks. Had to learn how to walk again.

My SO has been there every step of the way. Drives me everywhere, helps set my pills up, walks with me and holds me up on the opposite side of the cane.  He also makes dinner since I cant cook now. Basically he does everything for me and will put me before the kids for my medical needs. He doesn’t expect me to deal with his kids in any way or the BMs ever.  He is a great dad. We got married 5 months ago. When he posted our engagement on Facebook BM deleted the profiles of my SO, all SOs friends and his parents.  When she saw his ring she ran into her house crying when he picked up skid.
The main problem I am having now is from all that crap I had to put up with BM and also losing the ability to work, my independence ,ability to do things I used to enjoy, and having limited mobility. This has caused me to have so much resentment and anger toward my SO from making me deal with BM especially with my health issues.

NOW one of us will cause a raging fight almost every week and I’ll usually threaten a divorce to SOs face.  At this time I am living with anger and resentment and he is living in fear that I will leave him. And when I threaten divorce I mean it. These health issues make it impossible for me to handle any stress. I hate BM and I hate the skid which I know is terrible but I cant help it.  Now I am worried about losing my SO and our marriage.

I dont know how to handle the resentment and the hate.  Is it possible to get rid of these feelings or I fear my marriage will fall apart.  I am completely disengaged but we are at each other’s throats still about the skids and BM which makes no sense on my part bc I have nothing to do with the skids or both BMs. We are in counseling as well.  Basically I need to drop the anger and the hate so I can move on with SO but it seems that I am not capable of doing this.