Step mom/ Wife having issues
I'm trying so hard to fix our issues and I feel my husband isn't doing the same. We both have bio children and one together. His bio child never does anything wrong in his eyes. He just recently started blaming all of our problems on mine when I feel it's his, but I've never let it be known until he did. He has the guilty dad syndrome so his BC is spoiled. "My two" however get things when they deserve and of course birthdays, Christmas etc. He says everything has to be equal between them, but I feel it's not at all. When I speak my peace I'm always told "it's different because". It's only different when it's his BC's favor. Whenever it comes to gifts, time spent etc because he doesn't see them, but every other weekend. I'm expected to be "mom" during that time until it comes to having rooms cleaned or picking up after themselves, manners, saying hello when you walk in the house, thank you etc. but I'm told I should say those things instead of a child saying it to an adult. We were both raised the same way (husband and I) so those things yes should be done, but I'm expected to. Meanwhile, my BC always says hi, goodbye, thank you, love you etc. to him. I never get that from my SC. He stasrted resenting my BC and flat out being mean. When I bring things up I'm never right no matter what it is when it comes to his BC. How they are being raised is so unfortunate. My in laws is a whole other battle because they do not see anything wrong with things yet complain the 13YO doesn't know how to do laundry, do things around the house when they are at their house, but if I say something I'm the enemy. There are so many outside interference that plays into problems in our marriage. I love my husband enough so I had a child with him before all these issues started. I need help. I need advice. I suggested a blended family counseling place in our area and it's like "yeah that's a good idea", but no work on his part is done. Now, his BC doesn't want to come to our house so his plan is every other weekend going to his parents to spend time with them. This happened because a huge fight happened between us, our families got involved, tempers flared. It just seems like I'm fighting a battle all by myself. After he brought some things to my attention about my BC I've adjusted accordingly and he hasn't done a thing. I'm worried because we have a child together and I don't want them growing up without their father.
Responsibility without
Responsibility without Authority
That is what you have. I highly suggest reading "Stepmonster." A lot of what you write it what was going on with me and my DH as well - he'd think of me as a good 'mother figure' but if I tried to do any rule making, instill any responsibility or chores or discipline, I was out of line and he'd undermine my decisions or issues every single time.
So I stopped doing things. If he doesn't let me be a decision maker then I don't do clean up and I don't help. I don't give kids rides anywhere unless I had a say in the planning. I don't do vacations unless HE helps plan and pays too. I don't clean up after anyone (I have towels in the laundry room unwashed since April because of this...I'm about ready to throw them all out this weekend), etc.
Read the disengagement board. You are ready for this.
Don't even get involved with the relatives - stay miles away from conversing with them: "Oh, SD13 is so cute! It's too bad she doesn't know how to do her laundry, why don't you teach her?" You, "That's a good idea. Did you hear of the new dessert you can make in 30 minutes?"
Ignore him and tell your bio
Ignore him and tell your bio children exactly what is happening. Advise them to stand up for themselves.
power in numbers
The solution IMHO is to
The solution IMHO is to establish standards of behavior for your home and to enforce them with consistently escalating unpleasant age appropriate consequences.
You and DH are equity life partners and that makes you equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.
If your DH doesn’t like how you parent and discipline he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can bite his tongue and have your back.
Now for a question. Now that your DH has shown his spots as an abject failure waste of skin parent do you really want to continue to expose your own children to this man and his shallow and polluted gene pool any more than necessary?
Yes, I understand that your youngest is also his youngest. However, part time exposure has to be better than full time if DH can’t pull his head out of his ass.
Standards of behavior has
Standards of behavior has been rectified at least for the time being with my kids. My oldest has ADHD and is on medication and has been doing great, however she is coming to the age of teenager so she gets mouthy with me. I started sending her to her room and taking things away and it's gotten better. Same thing with our son things have gotten better. Now, DH has not done anything with his daughter. He hasn't brought her back to our house since the big fight because she says she doesn't want to come so every other week he's going to see her and gone the whole weekend to his parents house. To me that's not fixing anything. He says he doesn't want to force her to come to our house so if she doesn't want to he's going to do what he has to do to spend time with his daughter. I wouldn't mind her, but she never smiles, I try to communicate with her ask her questions about school or things and I get one word answers. Doesn't engage much with our son, she's not a warm person. Not affectionate even with DH, doesn't joke or laugh unless she's with DH's family. She always looks miserable a our house. She told BM he never spends time with her because he's always doing the grass or chores around the house. TBH he's not a hands on dad that's for sure. He does one activitiy with her and that's only because he loves it so he's brought her in to that with him which seemed to do something, but that's about it. DH literally never says ANYTHING to her when it comes to parenting. I feel avoiding the situation and not bringing her to our house or even TALKING to her isn't doing any good. I sat my daughter down and we talked, but he always says "it's different". That's with anything. She wanted to get a piercing he said she should wait and she got it anyway (which I would've said flat out no to, but he NEVER says no...never). I can see different parenting styles, but when you have lack of parenting in ONE child and not even your other BC it boggles my mind.