So unhappy
I have an adult step daughter 32 married with two young children. I have been married to her father for 25 years and we have a 22 year old son. When she was a child I made every effort to be respectful of her and her mother and apart from the normal issues things where normal, I do remember quite early on when she was 6 being given the warning THAT SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER DONT FORGET THAT. Well I never did and got on with her mum and the rest of her family as I should. As she got into adulthood of cause things changed but she never caused me the pain she does now. Ten years ago she married a very rude unpleasant man who never attempted to fit in with us on any terms and she gravitated towards his family. Still I tried I was very disappointed she no longer was any type of meaningful sister to our son and over the years as family died she really would be all he had. Of course I became critical of this whole sisuation with my husband who could have cared less about my feelings. Then she had two children in quick succession both of which along with their other grandmothers provided day care for 5 years not my husband me. I did feel used I was never thanked never by her husband. I loved those kids I looked after them from baby's I saved her a fortune and me myself had to give up a day of work to do it. She was dismissive of me, cancelled our one family meal Christmas due to her husbands insistence I feel, forgot my birthday recently I had major surgery she never enquirer after me. And last her her mother rang telling my husband that he had two children and we should do more for this girl. When ever they needed anything they got it I of course was never thanked. Lately we have been blatantly ignored by both sides of her family at a child's sporting event. Now I don't feel welcome I am so angry and crushed and because thus behaviour doesn't affect my husband he doesn't understand my pain. I did say something to her her only response was that I was upsetting her. I am afraid I hate her but I miss the kids so badly and I resent my husbands attitude.
Go back and re-read the warning you were given.
The SD clan made it known to you upfront that she is NOT your daughter. She was rasied as a small child being told this, so it is deeply ingrained in her psyche. Because you are a kind-hearted person, you did all you could to appease her clan including free child care and God knows what else over the last two decades.
Now you have learned that SD doesn't really care about you nor her half-brother. No surprise there and don't take it personally. It happens to a great number of stepparents. You have also learned that your DH is not going to step in and make any changes. He didn't when she was a small child, he sure as heck isn't going to now that SD is an adult, married to a jerk, and has two children of her own.
Your DH will not back you up in any way, so there is no point in telling him how hurt this makes you or criticize the situation. He will always take his daughter's side over you - always. Especially now since he is a grandfather.
The only thing you can do at this stage is disengage. Your son may have to do the same thing, if he hasn't already. I am sure your son senses that his "sister" doesn't give a damn about him. That may change in the future, it may not. But he should go on with his life, and you should go on with yours.
Do you know about disengagement? If not, read the forum section here on it and get educated. Then practice it.
Don't be involved with SD and her family. Don't do anything for her. Don't make plans with her. Don't watch her children or buy things for any of them. If your DH is giving her JOINT money, put your foot down with your DH and say it needs to stop until you sit down with a financial advisor and figure out your retirement and estate plans (for both SD and your son) and stick to it. Don't ask your DH about SD and don't do anything on their behalf if they come and visit.
Disengagement essentially means cutting these people completely out of your EMOTIONAL life, and as much as you can out of your physical life. It is a form of emotional survival because as you have already sadly learned - SD doesn't give a damn about you. Never did.
I've disengaged from a SD27. I did not do so with a big pronouncement to my SO. I simply stopped making meals, buying gifts, had other things to do out of the house when she visited, etc. I don't get into conversations with my SO about her. If her name comes up, I change the subject as smoothly as I can.
You must face the facts that any care, time, money or energy spent on SD or her kids is a waste. So disengage from now on. You are blessed to have a son so focus on him and his future.
It may be very hard for you to unplug after so many years. In a way, it is like a grieving process because it is finally acknowledging a loss. It is the loss of people you THOUGHT cared about you, and the loss of innocence thinking you could sacrifice enough for them to make a family.
Let your DH take care of his own relationship with SD. His kid, his problem. Now it is time for you to wake up, let go and move forward with your own life.
Great description of Disengagement
It really works. Things are shifting for me because I'm doing this now. SS is gone most of the time these days, which makes it easier, but it's staring DH in the face & he's bummed.
Write her off. Your son doesn
Write her off. Your son doesn’t need someone like her inhis life either, but that’s his choice.
I have given this thought,
I have given this thought, and cannot say I see any real pattern, regarding timing and this sick dynamic many of us live. The beauty of accepting it for what it is, to me it is like realizing there is clear cut infidelity with a spouse, (though I know it is not a perfect comparison). The point is-- you have a clean break now, you can have no guilt, no concern-- that you could have been a better person, done something differently; etc. etc. In some ways I see negativity --as my own plus when my DH does not affirm my feelings; I never have to go back; he ruined it all, he made it hopeless. Had he affirmed any of my feelings, maybe I would question myself (for him, those never deserved, lol). The minutes of your/my life are too precious to waste resources on those who resent the fact we are alive and making daddeeee very happy!
Not exactly the fairy tale ending we grow up believing in, but out of the all bad, there is a lot of good in self perservation too. No wife deserves to be second class to anybody else in her husband's life. I learned to stay away from any situation that would allow anybody to make me feel that way. I am much happier now being excluded; and it is now ---MY own choice....
CANYOUHELP.....This is key,
CANYOUHELP.....This is key, "MY own choice". When you finally realize you have to take control, it just isn't going to fix itself, then you are well on your way to a healthy life.
It is not an easy task and takes patience and lots of working through the different aspects. Disengagement has been the key to my peace and happiness. Like said here, it is not a perfect situation or what I had expected my marriage to be, but it works and we are a "different" happy.
Sammi, your wisdom and
Sammi, your wisdom and guidance has been heavenly sent to me; and so many of these ladies live the non fairy tale life like us. Hey, with all the support I found here, most of the time now I have learned I can create my own fairy tale life (new version of course), and block out most of the darkness. I will keep working toward 100%...;-)
Don't lose hope
The people on this site saved me 7 1/2 years ago by gently guiding me through the disengagement process. So thankful for all of them!
You have received an emotional slap in the face not only from SD but from DH also. Was DH the one who said, "THAT SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER DONT FORGET THAT ?" You are going through a lot of hurt right now, and as another poster wrote, it is a stage of grieving. You had dreams which did not pan out after all of the hard work. We've all been there.
One thing I would suggest, other than what the others have recommended, is going to a therapist on your own to gain confidence and self-worth. This will give you the courage to set boundaries that should have been in place a long time ago. It will also assist you in focusing on your own life and DS. Don't lose hope. If you start thinking more of yourself, others will probably follow. If they don't, they shouldn't be in your life. I can guarantee once you get through this, and it takes a bit of time, you will be a lot happier.
Thanks to all of you
Thanks very much to all of you. It really is the only understanding I've ever had. I will try very hard to follow all this advice.
It just won't stop
"-- my husband is emotionally blackmailing me."
Yes, he is. Sadly, there is an adjustment period for partners who have taken us for granted. It's easier for him to blame you and be a jerk than it is to set boundaries with SD. He's hoping if he shames you that you will 'rethink' disengagement and go back to 'Stephell'. This time stand your ground and let him know the change is permanent.
When he says, "I'll take care of them", give him a big smile and say, "Thank you." Be nice to the kids and welcome them - I know you will. Then try to make yourself too busy to take care of them. Would it be possible to have some errands to do, places to go, possibly visiting a friend, going into another room to read a book? If he complains about it tell him something like, "They asked you, not me", and walk away from any more arguments with him.
Keep focused on your boundaries. You don't owe this to DH all of the time. Would he go out of his way to help you out, like you've been doing for him? There has to be equity and respect in a relationship. Period.
Thank you
Just to hear someone believes ME. its so obvious just reading it why can't he see me when he sees me
Make sure to
take off for a mani/pedi just before the brood arrives. Let them take H up on his offer of free child care. Go garage sailing, go to the gym, antiquing; whatever YOU like to do for once. Let H play Mr. Grandma!
I found that this is my DH's
I found that this is my DH's defense. "it's all your fault again". The boundaries you have set and the shifting of the responsibilities where they should be, angers our DH's. They want all the fringe benefits of you and their past family with lots of smiles. Therefore, they blame us for what they created.
Four years ago, I set down boundaries for myself; my DH hated every minute of my change. My marriage is quite different, because of my disengagement from SD57. DH blamed me for the entire situation and yet he knows how it all came down over a period of years. He is doing better at accepting my disengagement, but at the same time he will not get over the fact that we are not all one big happy family. I have learned to let it be his problem and not make it my problem.
It is very difficult to stand your ground; you also want peace and tranquility. I fully understand your trials and tribulations at this point of your disengagement. There are many times, it would have been easier to continue on the road we were; but I do not regret giving back to myself, thus I will never go back on my disengagement.
Disengagement is more difficult than my divorce from my Ex. Ugh....
"I have learned to let it be his problem"
And it IS a problem THEY created. After going through a divorce, many men want everything to be easy. Reality seems to go out the window. They compete with the custodial parent and turn their kids into surrogate partners. They marry a woman who is supposed to magically step in to role of Mother for their children so they can play 'Happy Family' again. But she is entitled to only a certain amount of 'Mother' benefits. She has to play 'nice' all of the time. Her human rights must never enter into this picture.
But when the truth rears it's ugly head, the children realize their power as 'partner' has been usurped by someone who was forced on them so they rebel. They don't want to lose special status with Dad, so they take all of their anger out on SM. It is much easier for the custodial parent to take all of her frustrations out on SM than confront her ex. And, of course, because the SM is already in the position of 'scapegoat', DH takes advantage of it too, "it's all your fault again", pulling away from reality.
When I married DH I walked into this 'unreal' situation completely unaware of what it actually was. Yes, I DID expect there would be a period of adjustment. But I had no idea I was stepping on a land mine - and it was planted by a DH who could not deal with the truth. When I set boundaries and insisted on mutual respect I gave DH back the responsibility for dealing with his own problems and he was forced somewhat to face the facts. He had to deal with the consequences of his creation - one of which is my total disengagement from his daughter. Another consequence is like you, I found myself again, and DH seems to like the 'real' me - someone who would never again accept blame for HIS 'lapse' with reality.
Lapse of reality
Yep that's it. I tried for so long could not have done more but it didn't count. Presently I felt that I was paying for the mistake he made 30 years ago. All in all this step business is just too hard. Although I look at the relationship she has with her stepfather who calls her his daughter something I would never have done or been allowed to do. But he was married to her mother she had two more children with him and SD spent most of her time there. I can't won against the QUEEN BEE SD mum. I just won't it all to stop.