Firstly I open this blog not to be judged but to let go  of so much I want to say and need to say. Should you feel the need to judge me please do not leave a comment, as I have judged myself more than you will ever be able to over my years in life. In this moment I am doing what is and was needed and I happened to fall in love along the way.

So where do I really start? The begining doesn't seem the right place as it is all over the shop, so I will just speak as it comes to mind and hope that you can follow....

My journey into becoming a step mother was not the way many plan, I did not fall in love with a man who had children, I loved the children first; so let me explain.

At age 14 I leaned that my father was not my father, I then learned who my bio father was and sought him out. At 16 I learned that I had two sisters, one (Sister#1) just 15 months younger than me and the other (Sister#2) 7 years younger. Sister#1 and I grew up just around the corner from one and other, we knew many of the same people, all without knowing we were sisters. So we went about meeting and clicked right away, it seemed like our missing pieces.

At 18 we had a big fight over what I believe was a dangerous situation for her. I grew up with siblings whereas she was an only child. I acted in the way I was raised and contacted her parents concerned for her welfare. We didn't speak again for nearly 10 years.

At 26 and about to have a child as a single mother, I reached out, and again we clicked like we had always been together. Sister#1 was also a single mother but with two and had started dating. So my daughter was born and that day Sister#1 brings her BF to the hospital to meet me.

The years move on, we remain close and another 10 years pass. In that time Sister#1 and her BF have two children and at some point begin using drugs. I noticed that something was amiss as I had used in my days before becoming a mother, as well as her BF contacting me to bring up said issues. So I contacted Sister#1 to try and discuss the problems as my care for the welfare of the children was the most important thing. Now Sister#1 has never been a clean and tidy person and now it was becoming worse than it had ever been, to the point that I wouldnt take my own child into their home, so I had to speak to her.

As like when I was 18 Sister#1 did not respond well and again cut me off, but thanks to the world of social media tried her hardest to ruin a reputation and respect I had worked hard to acheive. This caused more problems, as well as had many others concerned for the welfare of her children.

About a year after this Sister#1's BF and her split but continued to share their home. Sister#1 was rarely home, though had never worked as she was a stay at home mother, but felt it was time she went and had fun. It was at the point the children never knew if she was coming or going and just relied fully on their father. Over the next couple of years like this, Sister#1 started dating other men, yes while sharing her home with the father of her children.

Every so often her BF and I would speak, so I could check in on the kids. This continued on for two years.

Then one Christmas a 3 years ago now, we started to click more about us rather than the kids. Her ex BF brought his boys to visit me, as they had no idea I was their aunt. This was where everything started and everything ended. While he was visiting me Sister#1 invited her current boyfriend to the family home to introduce to her elder kids.

The next long weekend, as predicted Sister#1 left again, and when asked when she will be home she had no response. Her ex BF had had enough and packed up the kids and moved out, the elder children not being his own he took to Sister#1's aunt. As it turned out Sister#1 had left her keys at home, and went about telling all she could that her ex BF had kicked her out, but what she lacked to noticed that nobody was living ther now.

Somewhere amoungst this mess her ex BF needed child care for the kids, and this is where I stepped up. They are my family after all. But, we also fell in love in the doing so of this. 

We ended up taking Sister#1 to court and won custody of the kids (thanks to her contant posting on facebook, we had a lot of evidence to prove the type of person she had become, and the living conditions of the children ect).

The boys now call her and I both Mum, they know who I am to them, but it is not brought up and left be, as to them I am the mum that has stepped up and done everything a mother is supposed to do.

I have had care of my boys since at 4 and 7. The elder, Sister#1 had diagnosed with Autism, this diagnosis has since been removed as it apears that his behaviour was learned from his eldest brother who is austic, as well as an extream addiction to screens, and no structure within the family home. When he came into my care, he only ate chips and nuggest and drank fanta. Now, this boy eats everything and loves to read. The younger had never heard the alphabet when he came into my care so basic education needed to be started from scratch. He also couldn't even count, not even one or two.

We, okay I should say I struggle with all of this, because when the boys go and visit their mom she still just puts them in front of a screen for the full weekend, they still eat the same old chips and nuggets, and they do not go to bed at a reasonable time for their ages. The younger of the two watches very violent things and often is exposed to adult content from their older brothers (now turning 17 & 16), he comes home very messed up, and I spend the two weeks trying to get him back on track.

Thankfully the school has noticed the behaviour that changes in both boys is linked to their BM so that does help.

The boy's Dad works a lot to provide for us all, oh and I should say he stopped using the drugs when they were still living under the same roof and this has never been an issue for us as his care for the kids is more important to him.

So here lies my issues, I want to help Sister#1, but I can not, I am so angry at her and for what she is doing to the children mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I get so angry at the kids, but I need to remind myself that it is not their fault. Sometimes I wish I was a normal step mum and maybe I could walk away from all these problems, but I cant these boys need me, they need someone who wont let them down, someone to educate them.

I do not doubt that Sister#1 loves the kids, I just dont think she knows how to be a mother and refuses help....

So I've let it out, now I can speak about other things on my mind next time..

Thanks for listening.