Previously Disengaged - Now in charge of child care!?!?!
So DH has one DD aged 7. He has full custody of her with standard visitation with her mother (Wed evening and Friday overnight). She is allowed to basically do as she pleases. She watches youtube on his phone or the television constantly when she is home, eats chips for dinner, doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't dress herself or brush her own hair/teeth, is destructive, on an IEP and behind in school, etc. I've been very disengaged because I would never allow a child to act this way but he doesn't see that the behavior is a problem and during the few instances where I've mentioned something about behavior he feels like I'm picking on her or being mean...
So this arrangement has been working out OK for me but I'm currently pregnant and due in a month and I won't be going back to work. I will be staying at home with the baby and watching SD before and after school. I'm not sure what to do. There are some things that I will put my foot down and not do - I'm not dressing her while she lies in bed, she can brush her own hair/teeth and wipe her own butt. Other things like not letting her eat junk as an after school snack, doing homework when we get home (and making sure it gets done), watching TV all night, etc. will certainly cause a battle. On principal, I would never let a child act this way - however, she's definately NOT going to like it - especially since he won't continue to follow-through once he gets home. I don't know if I should just continue to let her behave the way she has been or to try to improve her behavior.
I'm afraid this is a losing battle for me if I try and change the status quo too much. I'm tempted to just work on the things that actually impact me - such as the dressing and hygeine - and let her watch TV until he gets home and take my son outside or to a different room (I absolutely HATE the TV playing all the time). Any advice?
I'm also hoping that there is enough age difference here where I will be able to parent my son without any ill effects of her upbringing. Am I delusional lol?
I would tell my DH that if I
I would tell my DH that if I am in charge of her care then I get to make the decisions regarding things like- expectations for getting dressed, showering, chores, screen time, etc. Back me up or get a babysitter.
Yes!
Simple and to the point.
Not delusional, per say lol.
Not delusional, per say lol. You're being otimistic, but I understand around here that can be as good as crazy!
She's still young enough and with your home being her primary residence, you may be able to impact some change in her behaviors. I know I would (and did) give it my best shot. When that failed, I disengaged permanently unless it affected me.
I have a bad seed older brother, 7 years my senior. I wouldn't say I came out completely unscathed, but I am mostly well adjusted.
Before we decided to have our baby, DH and I hammered out a lot of things to make sure we were on the same page in terms of parenting. You need to do this...sooooooon.
You are the adult and YOU get
You are the adult and YOU get to say what happens. Do not for one second give away your power to a child. DH isn't there and he can't possibly be allowed to micro manage you from afar.
I personally couldn't just
I personally couldn't just turn a blind eye to things I felt were bad for skids, when I was watching them (and even when SO was around). I made chores a rule- I am not a maid. I set basic rules for snacks. I did lose the battle for screen time rules, mostly. I apparently am just not capable of watching skids do what they want and sit idly by. lol
Put her in After School care.
Put her in After School care. They do activities and help with homework, then DH can pick her up.
My Opinion
For what it is worth.
I have been with DH for 4 years. Previously, in the begining, when we first started our relationship, his eldest daughter, who I call Feral Eldest, would challenge me on things. She was 15 at the time. SO, he would back me up. We agreed on things beforehand. Things like "no couch camping overnight", "use a towel if bunny is on furniture", "no doggie jumping, no doggie on furniture, including bed", "wash your own dises", "keep your room clean". Yes there was major backlash, especially since Toxic High Conflict Golden Uterus BM had trained the child to be just like her. Feral Eldest would complain that SO (now DH) was choosing his GIRLFRiEND over his daughter. And tell mother and sister that GIRLFRIEND was going to get children kicked out and never see father again. Yep, make any changes and there will be drama. Your SD is 7. There is still time. This is YOUR home, you are the QUEEN of your castle. Its a big responsibility being QUEEN. You need to put that crown on and take that throne, sister. Absolutely do NOT fade off into the background, go right there front and center. If you are providing childcare, then you have absolutely every right to require the child respect you and do what she is told to do. You are looking out for her best interests. Her health and teeth and general well-being, this is not abusing her. Abuse, is letting her teeth rot, her dirty self run around, her manners go down the tubes.
However, if your DH does not back you up on ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, then you are, in sailing terms "dead in the water", with no way of moving forward. Take care of this NOW! You BOTH need to be on the same page. YOU ARE RAISING A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. How he parents this 7 year old will likely be how he parents your together child. Or 7 yo SD will be his first family and mini-wife because she is allowed to run wild, and there will be a huge rift between the parenting styles. I repeat, you cannot and should not do this alone. Get that man on the same page as you. Immediately.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
Absolutely do NOT fade off
I think this is just what I needed to hear
Sometimes it is so hard to get a good perspective on the situation when you are in it. I need to begin to be more assertive regardless if it causes friction or not. I think he's hyper sensitive because SD stayed at home with her BM who parked her in front of the TV and literally did nothing but spend money all day while he was out working a million hours to make sure they had a roof over their head. He was doing all of the (limited) real parenting that was going on during the little time he was home so I think that's why he takes comments personally.
This is my SS8. Everything
This is my SS8. Everything what you’ve mentioned is him. Plus I’m a stay at home mom too (we have a 2 year old together). We are living the same life*clapping*
Put her in daycare and enjoy
Put her in daycare and enjoy your baby!