...like you are some dirty little secret 

Has it occurred to Joe that expecting his daughters to keep your existence a secret is not something children should have to deal with? 

Joe chose to have children (out of wedlock, I might add) with BM. It is HIS job to deal with the fallout of that. Joe thought he was doing right by avoiding conflict, but that was a short term solution. He is not living honestly or honoring your marriage by walking on eggshells to accommodate his crazy ex. He lied through omission, involved his daughters in the conspiracy, and hurt you in the process. 

How long does Joe expect to keep this deceit going? Does he have a plan for bringing you out of the closet? As his daughters age there will be many events and celebrations you will be excluded from, just to keep BM happy. Has Joe considered this?

Ignore your in laws. They are enablers who apparently don't care much about your feelings. Joe needs to apologize to you, announce to all that you are married, and deal with whatever fallout comes. Yes, BM may ramp up her crazy for a while, but Joe can help his daughters cope with that. He owes them an apology too, but at least he'll be modeling how to own one's mistakes and behave with integrity. It could be a teachable moment for the whole family.

I can't even imagine how to keep knowledge of a marriage from children who live with you. They don't see any body who knows about the marriage? You made plans, arrangements, and got married and they saw none of it? How did you manage this?

You have 3 choices: 1. Put your foot down now and insist he acknowledge you as his wife. 2. Get used to being excluded and resign yourself to it. 3. Divorce and make his life the truth.

I think you need to get radically honest with yourself, stop drinking the Kool-Aid, remove all the dogma and examine the facts:

• Your husband has two children with another woman. They are not your girls. They have two parents already, and you are neither. 
• Your husband would rather live a lie than admit he married you. He is dishonoring you and your marriage by perpetuating this lie.
• Forcing your stepkids to collude against their mother is abusive.
• No pastor would condone this farce.
• Yon are being pressured and gaslighted to conform with his cowardly deceit.

It is not selfish to want your husband to treat you with dignity and respect. If he has the courage of his convictions, insist he stand up in church next Sunday and admit what he's doing to the congregation. He will be unpleasantly surprised at the reaction.

Take the bull by the horns and tell her on your own. Maybe take a friend with you.

All of their actions sound incredibly suspicious to me. Erasing any traces of you on the childrens phones especially. It sounds like this isnt only about the girls. Maybe aomething else more serious is going on.

My DH has 2 BMs both of them cray cray. He would never dream of combing the kids phone to keep me secret.

I can totally understand keeping a new relationship on the down low in the midst of a custody battle. But that's over now. And it would take a lot to get that over-turned, especially since she only sees them every other Sunday by HER choice. That's not to say she won't do that, but it would be hard for her to do it. You have to come clean about the relationship and NOW. The longer you wait the harder it will be and the more people will feel hurt and deceived - which they have been. 

She wants them every other Saturday and Sunday. Frankly LET HER. She is their mother and they should be spending more time with her. You are NOT their mother. You can never replace her, even if she were to die. You just can't. 

Graduation things, etc. Look - you are not their parent. And even though you've done work with 'Daisy' - you are still not their mother. She should have precedence, you should be HAPPY she showed up for the sake of these girls. On the other hand, if you weren't a dirty little secret it would have been easier. 

I'm going to give you some religious advice - as a Christian - you should focus on the spirit of kindness and forgiveness and not hold so firmly to the letter. Spouse taking precedence over children is a general principle not an every single case. Sometimes children's needs are a priority over adult wants and sometimes over adult needs. If your child asks for bread, do you give them a stone? Right now you - and Joe - are giving those kids emotional stones. 

How to fix this with as litte hurt as possible: Get married again! And soon. Have a wedding where you're not a secret and you can involve the girls and the BM can be informed (not invited). You don't have to mention the previous marriage. But if you think BM doesn't know about your existence at all, well - I suppose it's POSSIBLE - but it's not likely. 

All that stuff about clothes - that's just petty and ridiculous (on BM's side) - don't send them in tatty clothes, but don't send them in their best clothes either. 

Honestly, after reading your post a couple of times, I highly doubt that BM doesn't know about you. Kids aren't that good at keeping secrets. Your DH still has feelings for BM if his excuse is that he doesn't want to hurt BM's feelings.

The whole thing is bizarre. Those children should be no part of a lie being told to their mother, including lying by omission.

Afraid that the mother will get upset and exercise her right to Saturday and Sunday visitation? That is also bizarre. She is their mother. If she is unfit to care for the girls for a weekend, then your husband needs to petition the courts to change the visitation structure to supervised visitation. If she is not unfit, then those girls need to spend time with their mother.

I feel sorry for all of you.

Be a person of integrity and stop participating in this deceit. You are a person in your own right, and answerable for your own misconduct. You know right from wrong.

Demand that your "husband" honor his vows to you. Tell him that you refuse to enable this lie any longer. Let him read the comments on this thread. And seek individual counsel, at least from your pastor of not a therapist.

I just don't understand how you kept this "secret" for so long.  First of all, kids are not the best secret keepers.  And second of all, people talk.  With social media and everything, I just don't understand this.  Do you and your husband pretend not to be married for the rest of the world??

Also, I would have major issues with the kids lying to mom.  That is not healthy.  You are actually teaching them that it is okay to hide things.  Your DH should have sent BM a quick message or told her that he was getting married.  If she didn't like it, too bad.  You act like DH believes BM will hurt the girls if she knows.  Why would she take DH's marriage out on the kids?  If she is that crazy, how does she even have visitaiton?

Something about this situation seems so off to me.  My BM is crazy (I mean really crazy).  She hated me before the SDs were even born.  She told DH that he would never see them again if he married me, and she had full custody at the time.  But, my DH put on his big boy pants and told her to stuff it.  He told her that she had no say over his life.  Did she try to cause problems?  Yes, she did.  But we pushed through it and now we have custody of one SD.   It sounds like your DH needs to man up and stop letting BM have so much control over him.

Doesn't it bother you at all that you are this man's dirty little secret and that his whole family (including the kids) is willing to hide your existence away?  If your DH and his family can keep your marriage such a big secret, you have to start wondering what other secrets there are.

someday these girls will be talking a LOT more, and they will tell her. My advice is that your dh needs to tell her before they do. This isn't something that can be kept a secret until they are 18. Also, when you walk on eggshells all the time, it will eventually start to take a toll on your emotional health. It's probably more UNhealthy to have the girls keep this secret and in the long run it is teaching them to lie. You deserve to celebrate your marriage, not hide it. 

. When you put your children before your spouse you are putting your marriage in jeopardy. Children need a good example of a happy and healthy marriage.

you are right. 

But, what I see here is joe doesn't think it's BM business he married , right . Joe is trying to protect you, right. Joe, is trying to keep freak BM away from his happiness bc she's a demonic drama queen. 

'Joe should never discuss you with demon. Bc 1. It's non of her bees wax! 2. That's giving demon a reason to cast a spell. 3. Trust me you don't need a crazy ex around you. 3. You've been the mom , the teacher , the helper. Don't let this ex in. 

Take joy in your marriage and talk to joe about how you feel and that it's your right to be present and that you can handle whatever demon hands you. Let him know you're on his side. I think in this case, joe is financially burdened about court dates and is trying to be at peace. I can't say I don't blame him.

our demon was blocked from text, call and email. But my skids are grown. Idk how but the emails go directly to an attorney office. And we are at peace knowing the demon is caged now . But they rear their ugly heads now and then 

Time for DH to put hand between his legs, grab a big handful of balls and man up. 

You are his wife and yet you are little more than his back door baby sitter with benefits.  He is catering to his toxic baby mama who has him scared shitless and using his daughters as an excuse for his ball-less lack of manhood. 

It is time for you to come out of the shadows and be his wife fully, publically and confidently and this is entirely your action to take. DH gets no say.  If he so much as grimaces I would suggest that you take him for every penny you can and find a real man to make a life with rather than a simpering coward who uses you.

This guy pisses me off!