Do I go if not invited?
Forums:
SD sent a text to DH. “We are having (list of couples by name) over on (date). Can you come too?”
For me, this is pretty clear she wants DH alone. She has my contact info and knows that I am always the one to organize gatherings and keep our joint social calendar. She has been freezing me out lately so I think it is pretty clear.
Seems to me I am off the party list.
Is that so bad? Would you
Is that so bad? Would you really want to go?
I'd wait to see what DH does.
I'd wait to see what DH does. Make plans the same night with him and put him on the spot if he's keeping it secret. Hopefully he will be upfront about the invite and you can have a rational discussion about it.
Will your DH not invite you
Will your DH not invite you to go along with him? He should. It's a gathering of couples and you are a couple. Is math that tough for your SD?
He probably will
He probably will ask me but it feels awkward because I know I am not included. There was a time when I was the one she set things up with and it was always “ you and dad”. This is new.
Well, if you and your DH
Well, if you and your DH decide to go, I would go and act as if I was invited. I would look great and bubble over with personality and make HER feel awkward. Wouldn't be hard with my SD, she is awkward, anyway. And, honestly, I don't think my DH would go without me, especially if his daughter meant to exclude me. Which she wouldn't, because she knows better!
Absolutely you go with your
Absolutely you go with your DH. Hit the spa, get an amazing outfit and be radiant on your DH's arm. Beem your happiness and make it clear that you and DH are happy in your partnership.
If the toxic SD so much as twitches out of line... call her on it publically making sure to to highlight her crap to everyone there.
Cockroaches scurry for dark corners when a light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room. Be the light. SD will scurry.
As you hold your DH's arm occassionally lean over and whisper in his ear then laugh happily. Make the wispers spicy so that you get a reaction out of him. Play SD like the cheap instrument that she is.....
Have fun!
I'm not wearing any underwear
I'm not wearing any underwear is a good one. *dirol*
My DH would just assume the
My DH would just assume the invitation was meant for both of us and reply for both of us (after running the date by me). My bios always invite us together so he assumes his kids do too. He'd refuse the invitation before he'd go without me.
Since SD sent a list of couples I'd go with.
I think I've written this
I think I've written this post more than once! I feel for you. I'm not one to go where I'm not invited, and not being invited used to kill me. And I always got all the same replies to the post - go and look brilliant! I just never could be that person. And even thought the text doesn't say you're not invited, sometimes you just get that gut feeling and know.
I would probably try what Survivingstephell suggested to get a read on the situation - invite your husband somewhere that night and see what he says.
If this is new, that's a good
If this is new, that's a good thing and the way things should be. He handles his family, you handle yours.
I think I'd go as a couple. Look great, have fun, and show your SD how things will be going forward. That way, if she escalates, she''ll clearly be the bad guy while you'll be the victim.
My DH gets the same thing
My DH gets the same thing from the adult steps. It's always, "hi dad, hope YOU are good, can YOU come to blah, blah, blah party or maybe YOU can sneak out of work and stop by. gskid and adult step blah, blah will be there. Hope to see YOU soon dad."
Rarely, if ever am I invited, unless it is a formal event where it would make them look bad if they purposely excluded me. And no way is it assumed that DH is to bring me. They have never, ever contacted me to invite me to one of their gatherings. I know what you mean in that it so obvious you are not included.
What DH does is either not contact adult skids back or makes some lame excuse why he cannot go. Recently he was invited to one of their events and has yet to respond. He doesn't want to go and plans to say he's not interested if they push him to go. Of course it's a gskid event and they expect DH to drop everything to worship the gskids who have been programmed but adult skids that I don't exist and DH is not married to anyone. It's bizarre the games they play.
Personally, a good man does not leave his wife to attend an event she was not invited to. Unless, of course, they are both okay with that and there are no bad feelings. Would you leave your DH behind and go to something he wasn't invited to? Couples go to many events and couples events together. Why is it that adult skids believe it is okay to exclude the stepparent?
Exactly
Why to adult skids think it’s ok to invite their bio-parent and specifically exclude their spouse? Who does that? And why would a spouse go somewhere that her husband (or wife) is not invited? Can’t they see how hurtful that is to their spouse? It sends a message to them that the spouse and the marriage are not as important as their kids. Who does that? Answer: stbxdw
I agree
This kind of behavior takes you back to Grammar School, doesn't it? Personally, I wouldn't want to attend anything that had a connection to SD. But I arrived at this place because DH didn't do his job as a Husband or Father in the first place. I've often wondered if DH would have allowed SD to treat BM like she did me. I would never go to a family event where DH was not welcome.
Even though I have disengaged, banned SD from my home and carried on without her in my life, THIS is the elephant in the room. SD was in her late teens when we got married so DH would have never been able to force her to like me. And there is no such thing as a perfect marriage but I know in my heart that I did not mean enough to DH to handle the situation differently and more respectful of me as his wife. Out of necessity, I had to take the role of the 'strong' one in our marriage. In the long run though DH is the one who has suffered the consequences of his cowardice.
Instead of making lame excuses or ignoring the fact that his wife is being purposely excluded, a Husband should, from the beginning of the marriage, demonstrate to the skids that he and his wife are united, they are a couple, that he loves her enough to expect her to be respected as his wife - by everyone. He doesn't have to tell anyone off, just silently show his support for her.
A DH should have the right to visit with the skids but when your skids invite him to a party and exclude you, he should simply tell the skids he does not go to parties without his wife.
100% agree with everything
100% agree with everything you said.
^^ THIS ^^
”Instead of making lame excuses or ignoring the fact that his wife is being purposely excluded, a Husband should, from the beginning of the marriage, demonstrate to the skids that he and his wife are united, they are a couple, that he loves her enough to expect her to be respected as his wife - by everyone. He doesn't have to tell anyone off, just silently show his support for her.
A DH should have the right to visit with the skids but when your skids invite him to a party and exclude you, he should simply tell the skids he does not go to parties without his wife.”
I agree 100%. Replace DH with DW, and husband with wife and these are my exact points that my DW doesn’t seem to get. Is this such a big thing to ask out of a marriage?
Sorry
Sorry, I should have witten spouse. There have been a quite a few men on this site lately and you know this applies to them. The exclusion you went through was, in my opinion, brutal. "Is this such a big thing to ask out of a marriage?" Hell no!
Not welcome
I have been caught out a few times not feeling welcome we all have SD father and all. It hurts. So much so I won't go unless I'm expressly invited because I have lostall trust. I have seen text messages inviting DH with no mention of me or her 1/2 brother. I called her on it told her it hurt me all I got was your upsetting me. Haven't seen her for 4 months. She's a narcissist she would never respect my feelings.
It is part of a pattern of exclusion
The pattern of exclusion extends beyond invitations. It is communication of all sorts (in person, phone, emails, texts) that makes no mention of you. It focuses on them, talks about old times, old friends. It pretends you don’t exist. Meanwhile DH is asking about their spouses and SOs. You are never mentioned.
Typical.
That is so true. DH always
That is so true. DH always asks about SD husband. I am never mentioned.
Assume it’s for the both of
Assume it’s for the both of you.
You already know her
You already know her intentions with this invitation, or lack there of....it sounds. Go with your heart. You will know when it is time to completely throw in the towel; it will hit you like a ton of bricks (that feeling, I'm done, never again)...at that point you will know it was your only choice, DH left you with no other alternative, and he is no support. From what I am learning on this site, most of us get there but at different speeds. You need a supportive husband to have a relationship with anybody who does not want you around; if you do not have that, you will end up happily excluding yourself. It is not perfect, but it is a lot better than being the target of their family sickness and jealousy.
So true!: "From what I am
So true!: "From what I am learning on this site, most of us get there but at different speeds. You need a supportive husband to have a relationship with anybody who does not want you around; if you do not have that, you will end up happily excluding yourself. It is not perfect, but it is a lot better than being the target of their family sickness and jealousy." AND, note the words HAPPILY excluding yourself.
Very true. If your husband is
Very true. If your husband is not supportive of you, then you will really see what an outsider you are. I really believe that DH does not want me to have a relationship with his children. He has always had a sick relationship with them both and wants to keep it that way. That is their normal. I feel he really does like it that they only want a relationship with him. When I honestly look back upon all that has gone on, he has never encouraged even his own sipling to have a relationship with his children. They don't even hardly know their own cousins. It is really weird.
When you finally are able to stand back and really look at the situation, you can really see how it is. I always thought that DH wanted me to have a relationship with them, but all along he wanted to keep them isolated. He really never wanted us to be a happy blended family. Since his and BM marriage was so disfunctional and they competed for the love of the kids, I really think that he doeesn't want anyone close to them.
He has said repeatedly that SS should never get married. I think that he likes it that SS depends on him. I think that he thinks if SS loves someone else he will lose the peanuts that SS throws his way every once in a while.
He will spend he rest of his life trying to buy his kids love. He gives them elaborate gifts. Large sums of money. He would not dare tell them no or stand up to them. They would take their so called love away from him again. Every time DH has tried to stand up to either one of them they don't speak to him for years. After he chases them for years then they allow him to lavish them again. Never an apology. . Never any accountability. Just DH being allowed to jump through their hoop again. They even expect him to write checks for the birthdays and christmas he missed, while they were not speaking to him.
Very sick. Very sad. It is really sad that SD has reproduced. The sick cycle will just continue. It is sad that DH will never experience what true love is because he is so busy trying to buy his kids love.
DH does not want anyone to have a relationship with his sick kids. No one from his family really wants to have a relationship with them either. I guess DH got what he wanted.
Don't go where you are not wanted. Stand back and really look at the picture. It is amazing what you can see when you stand back. It all becomes so much clearer. You will learn to take care of yourself. You will not feel that desperate feeling of wanting to fit in anymore. You will wonder why you ever wanted to be a part of all their sickness. You will not let them bring you down anymore.
DH and I have things we do together. I have stopped looking for the deep emotional relationship. I enjoy the things we do together and I am making my own life also. I am fine not going with him anymore. I don't want to be a part of all that sickness and let it bring me down. I choose now where I go and where I don't go. I won't stand around waiting for DH. I won't wait around hoping for an invitation. I will go enjoy the things I like to do. I so understank Sammigirls life now and how she got there. thank you steptalk friends.