How much can BM demand on DH's time?
First, BM "took care" of summer camp for SD, meaning she spent $1500 to inform DH that she is MOTY without his approval. My cousin came over and stayed the night last night with SD and DH told SD that they can stay home with me today since it's HIS week.
DH left for work about 645 and SD comes into our room about 740 saying that she's ready to go to camp. I tell her that dad said she can stay home today but SD informs me that "BM said I HAVE to go". I stick with my usual line of "ask your dad" and BM ended up coming to pick SD up since she didn't bother to give DH any details about camp or tell him that SD MUST attend on HIS time.
I get that SD wants to go because there's a field trip everyday, but can BM really force DH to take SD on his time when he didn't agree to sending her?
Edit: I also told SD that she needs to communicate these things to us because BM doesn't tell DH shit. Also, if it wasn't MY cousin that slept over, I wouldn't have been cool with SD'a guest hanging out until 3pm.
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You know the answer to this,
You know the answer to this, so why are you really posting? Is it to vent that, once again, your DH won't taking his parenting by the cajones and stop offering you up as the sacrificial lamb on the SD altar? Is it to show, yet again, that BM does things without first talking to your DH (though I feel like she DOES talk to your DH and he just shrugs it off as "I'll deal with it later" then dumps it on you to handle)?
BM is doing as BM has always done. Your DH is testing your resolve and making disengagement painful for you. I don't like how passive-aggressive he is being, but I see why he is doing it. Someone said it in a post on another blog that you're temperment toward SD and DH has been changing with the wind. You pushed hard for 50/50, acting like you wanted to be involved. Then it happens and you back out of helping, as is your right but it comes as a completr 180 even from 2 months ago.
So, again, why are you asking a question that you know the answer to? We all know your BM does what she wants and your DH lets her. We all know your DH isn't much better in the parenting department; he lets SD do whatever she wants and makes you the scapegoat when he doesn't want to tell her no. Nothing is going to change, so disengage and not worry about where SD is or who took her where or what her summer will be like. That is for your DH to figure out and care about.
The lack of communication
The lack of communication issue aside, I think you handled it well.
No, BM cannot “force” him to do anything, but she’s giving him no other option than to abdicate his parental duties off on you - and she knows it. The best thing you can do is to plant your feet firmly in the ground, regarding what you will and will not do for DH and BM, and remain consistent about it.
BM should have communicated the details of camp and the two of them should have come up with a plan regarding transportation. At least, that’s the respectful thing your DH should be doing, to avoid this all falling on your shoulders.
Since SD “HAS TO GO” I’d continually tell her to talk to her dad, or talk to her mom. Not your problem.
Also, skid is enrolled in
Also, skid is enrolled in several day camps over the looooong summer visitation. She’s also 2000+ miles away from mommy dearest, so guess who does all the running around? Not me. DH and his parents do it, which basically means FIL does all of it (because DH works, MIL works). Guess who has a revoked drivers license? FIL. Guess who doesn’t GAF he’s driving illegally? Also me.
This is a prime example of “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
I'm confused. You told us
I'm confused. You told us weeks ago SD was doing camp this summer.
You just told DH you didn't want the kid around when he was working and not home. This was the big fight you and DH had you blogged about (where he broke your phone).
Dad is working. Until what? 6 or 7pm tonight? You posted last week about how you were out and about and they all kept trying to involve you..... but now this week, you want to spend your day off hanging with SD?
Send the kid to camp. Be glad she is gone and out of the house having fun with kids her age and being supervised.
I would say Yippee! Bye SD.
I would say Yippee! Bye SD.
I will answer your question
I will answer your question which is: How much can BM demand on Dh's time? She can demand what ever she wants hell she can demand she comes and pitches a tent in your back yard. She can demand she bathes the child on Monday, Wed and Fridays, saturday and Sundays at 7p. SHE can demand you stay in your car until she cooks the dinner she demands SHE makes in your house.
HE is not required to do anything unless a Judge has spoken on topic xyz and entered into the order that DH follows. Now he could behave like some parents who have court orders and not follow it.
Child time with dad IS for dad and child. NOT micro managed by BM. unless court ordered. Doesnt appear to be the case for your dh. NOTHING in co that is requires him TO listen or follow her demand, right?
I did encourage 50/50, yes.
I did encourage 50/50, yes. What I didn't sign up for was DH keeping me in the dark and SD treating me like a ghost unless she needed something. I don't mind helping out at all. I do mind the disrespect and being out of the loop with plans then being expected to jump when told to do so. I never thought BM would allow 50/50 and SD isn't the sweet, innocent angel that I thought she was. DH asked BM because SD kept telling HIM to ask.
My aunt and SD had a conversation and aunt asked SD how she'd feel about us having a baby (I told my aunt on Friday) and SD said she knows DH and I have been talking about it and that she thinks I'll be a good mom. My cousin, who also knows about the pregnancy, said that SD also told her that she'd love to be involved so that part makes me excited to tell her when that time comes. I do want her to be involved so I'm trying to stay optimistic.
Sometimes the SM has to come
Sometimes the SM has to come up with a plan to make it work. In my case, DSO couldn't plan a fire drill so I had to figure it all out, lay it out for him. This includes what you will and won't do. Maybe your DH isn't letting you know the plans bc you keep flipping back and forth and he is confused or he is just an ass, but try just talking to him about the 'no plan' issue and maybe he can try to make that issue better for you.
You won't change BM and you have to completely stop thinking she will, take my word for it.
I definitely know BM will
I definitely know BM will never change. DH says he "forgets" about these obligations such as BM telling him SD had a field trip yesterday or her therapy appointment 2 weeks ago. I told him yesterday, for the second time in 2 weeks, that AS SOON AS SD has an obligation or want, I need to be notified in the event he needs help with transportation or whatever. I told him that he needs to be my partner and be considerate of my time. I get that he is stressed and busy with work but SD should come first all of the time. He did want 50/50 himself. He just can't do it alone but I can't stand SD's attitude anymore. Yes, she is almost a teenager, but teens can be just as respectful as the next person. I am worried that our baby's responsibilities will fall on me 90%.