Boundaries- Again, I'm the @sshole
Long story short, DH and I had a massive blowout last night. I told him that SD is NOT welcome here when he is not home to laze around all day during summer break and he said he'll "take care of it". Fine by me. She can't have the decency to wish me a happy MD last week for ALL I've done for her and STILL expects me to answer her questions instead of going to dadeeeeeeee. F that! I am not a doormat and he is pretty much an absentee father. I refuse to be the 'ghost who cooks dinner'. F that noise. Steplife was BYFAR the worst life choice I've ever made and I'll be DAMNED if everyone wants to walk all over me like I'm nothing. Hello new me!
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I thought you wanted the man
I thought you wanted the man to have 50/50 custody. Isn't she 1, i so, she's old enough to do what many preteens/young teens do during the summer. They hang our at home while their parents are working.
I grew with 2 of my aunt's living with us. They did just a much for my sister and I as my our parents did. We never wished them a happy mother's day because they were not mother's. We acknowledged them on birthdays, on Christmas. But not on mother's day.
Stepping back from parenting is a great idea. Her father should be the one responsible for parenting her.
If you believe dad is "pretty much an absentee father", why were you pushing for 50/50?
Because I care about SD as a
Because I care about SD as a person and I think she deserves an equal relationship with her dad after she got ripped away from him almost 8 years ago. He's always just wanted what's equal, 50%. However, he is very "hands off" and not a lot that bothers me bothers him.
Holy crap your blogs confound
Holy crap your blogs confound/confuse me.
About 4 weeks ago DH only had 4 days a month visitation right? You were ADAMENT that DH was the better father and was the iron fist and best father in the world, when it came to SD and BM was crap. And you have only had SD 50/50 a few weeks? And you were so excited since your house was where SD should be.
And now you are going off the rails because….SD did not want you to paint her nails…BM and HER mother did not wish you happy birthday and now, SD did not wish you a happy mothers day!? Why do you NEED that recognition SOOO bad? You are NOT her mother. Stop trying to force that on her.
She is a normal tween and you are punishing her for it and for NOT being your child. And honestly, I would consider divorce if my DH told me that MY tween DD was NOT allowed in our home because she is acting like a normal tween. You are on the fast track to ruining your marriage if you don’t calm down about all of this “mother” stuff. You wanted the 50/50 now try to deal with it better. Maybe get a little therapy to find out why you are behaving this way.
Considering your blogs from last month to this month…I bet your DH thinks you have lost your mind.
I always give in and I told
I always give in and I told him that she can stay here this week since it's his week and that I need to apologize to his face. I just won't help her prepare food and if she does, let DH handle clean up. If she doesn't clean her room or shower all week, I really don't care.
I agree, you are all over the
I agree, you are all over the place.
Are you seriously upset with her because she didn't wish you a happy Mother's Day? You are not her mother. Not thanking you when you cook dinner or do things for her is one thing, but not wishing you a happy Mother's Day is not rude or indecent.
Some people are just not cut out to marry someone who has children. And that's okay but they need to recognize that.
I am seriously questioning it
I am seriously questioning it. I LOVE DH. He is the best man I have ever met. However, dealing with a preteen that has no structure is driving me crazy and when I say or expect something, I am the evil SM. I always had a great relationship with her and I never changed. I feel like her attitude really wears on me. She is not enthusiastic about ANYTHING and only sees her side of things. We went to dinner last night with DH's brother and his daughter that SD has never met. SD only said hello and goodbye to her cousin and sat there reading a book the whole time ignoring everyone. She even griped about having to go out at all because she already ate at BM's. I just see so much of BM in her that I dislike being around her. I am not a self serving person and just can't wrap my head around the mentality. She is more than old enough to be considerate of others but just isn't. I know that this is also my husband's fault.
Her response to meeting a new
Her response to meeting a new cousin was actually pretty normal. Not every child enjoys meeting new people or being forced into "family dinner" with strangers. I have raised three girls past the 12 year mark and two of mine still prefer to read in the corner at most social events. They say "Hi" "Bye" and maybe engage in some small talk. They answer questions directed to them. My youngest is a social butterfly, and my oldest and only boy is very social as well. The two in the middle are not.
I think OP has gone through
I think OP has gone through the transformation many SMs experience as custody changes from four nights a month to 50/50. I'm not going ask why you're "so all over the place" because I've been there, done that. It's easy for these guys to play the good father role four measly days a month; much harder on a daily basis.
I didn't believe it of my own DH until I saw it for myself. I didn't realize how much he dumped on me until I stepped back.
I do think you played the "she can't come here!!!" card way too soon and over very minor issues. She will cause much bigger problems than lazing about and you'll want that card when it happens.
Has he created that chore chart yet?
No chore chart yet.
No chore chart yet and I ended up telling him that she can stay here this week until her summer program starts.
She's only 12, unfortunately,
She's only 12, unfortunately, it gets worse. I can only suggest that you make clear boundaries on what you will and will not do. And learn to disengage from what you don't want to deal with. It is the only way to save your sanity.
I gave in and told him she
I gave in and told him she can just stay here this week. I don't know what he will end up thinking is best. If she is just going to stay with GBM from 7am to 6pm, he may as well just give up his week. And then I feel guilty because I always encouaged him to have 50%, but quite honestly, it sucks. But it is easier for me to have him happy and take on more stress than I want than to have him upset at me because I have always helped out before. I also liked SD a lot more before she turned 10. That's when the awkward silences started and she stopped sharing as much with me.
Telling my story
You are telling my story... My DH only had 4 overnights a month and BM refused to allow anymore time. We went back to court and after I spent $15,000 and did ALL the work, he ended up with 50/50 custody and then when he went to mediation he caved in about child support and is paying $500 a month plus taking care of her 50% of the time. After the visitation schedule changed, he realized he wasn't ready for the responsibility. He didn't have boundaries no rules and no consequences. After dealing with the bs for a year, I began to disengage. We ended up splitting up for 3 months and he came back willing to do "anything" to make it work. We began dating and fast forward 4 months and we see each other when he doesn't have his daughter. I told him that I don't want to put her in the middle of this situation until we have boundaries, rules and consequences in place that we all understand. He stays with his parents when he has his daughter and says he hates it but hasn't made any effort to set boundaries, rules and consequences. He's an ostrich. And it's my home, and I refuse to move them back in only to be disrespected and ignored and DH not do anything about it.
I wish you luck, I feel your pain
A little late to the party...
A little late to the party... but yo ucan get the same message across without making it about SD - if you say to him:
I expect YOU to handle your daughter when she is here, it's your responsibility to clean up after her messes, it's your responsibility to do parent/child things with her, it's your respnosibility to watch her. I feel disrespected as your partner when you force me to take on your responsibilities, especially when I'm not treated very nicely.