Am I wrong?
DH and I had an explosive arguement this morning and part of it was in front of SD because he can't have a conversation when he is angry and starts to raise his voice because he is irritated. I went with them to drop SD off so I could get my truck that he didn't bring home last night.
Long story short, SD was acting cold toward me but was all cheery and lovey with DH when she got out of the car. I told him that he is to NOT raise his voice to me ever again in front of SD because now she thinks I'm the b!tch for having expectations. The jist is- he came home at 9pm last night, said hello, ate leftovers in the kitchen when I was in the living room, then showered (he asked me to join but I had already showered) and went to bed. He didn't acknowledge SD or say good night. I wasn't ready for bed so I stayed in the living room.
Well in our "conversation" (arguement) he said I didn't do the dishes even though I was home all day! That's f%&*#ng rich, DH! I left hot dish water for YOU to clean as you made F%&*#NG SPAGHETTI which is super easy to clean up!! Then, I got angry and brought out the "you don't teach your daughter any life skills, why are you blaming me for not cleaning up THE TWO OF YOUR messes"?!!!!
He took that as an attack on his parenting and now I am at fault because I crossed a line. Well it's true and he needs to know how I feel! I was wrong for not acknowledging him more when he got home, but he was an hour late, didn't eat with us, and just goes to bed because he wasn't "wanted" by me. Boo hoo, cry me a f%&*#ng river, DH. Grrr I am so frustrated that we can't converse like normal adults and he has to get offended and start yelling because he is stressed at work. I get it! I work in a hospital with traumatized, needy, dirty, diseased patients! I know what stress at work is! I am so sick of his excuses for being so tired and uptight.
Oh yeah, now I'm the evil SM who attacks DH and SD will probably give me the cold shoulder when I pick her up this afternoon.
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Oh I would be frustrated too.
Oh I would be frustrated too. You are so very right about fighting with SD there. Not good. Ilovedogs sometimes men are just man babies.
He is being a baby! Another
He is being a baby! Another reason why being a SP sucks! I will always be the bad guy when/ if she knows I am arguing with her dad.
Sounds like he's having a bit
Sounds like he's having a bit of a mantrum about the dishes not being done and him having to get out of bed and get poopsie a bowl out of the dishwasher? I mean in my house, it's pretty much an unspoken rule, that if you cook something or make a mess in the kitchen that YOU clean that mess up. Why in the world would your DH make a mess with dinner, and expect that you clean it up??
Last year when SD was home over summer, she came to our house one day while I was at work and apparently made herself eggs. i know this, because I came home from work and the pan with the eggs crusted to the bottom was sitting in the sink. I bitched at DH and BS8, thinking it was them but they said it was SD. Whatever, I left the pan right there. And it sat there for 2 days, I put other dishes that we used in the mean time in the dishwasher, but not the pan. 2 hot summery days later, DH is bitching about why the house smells funny when we walk in the door. Well DH, that would probably be the pan with crusted eggs that SD so RUDELY left in the sink for someone else to clean up. No more comments from him.. other than what did I expect.. not like she's changed one iota since she moved out of our house at 16.
I have to know who cleaned
I have to know who cleaned the pan!
SD took leftover spaghetti yesterday and places the sauce stained container next to the sink. I politely told her this morning that she needs to wipe it out before she brings it home or rinse it out before putting it there for someone else to clean up. Bewildered, she agreed.
One time, we rented a cabin in Pagosa with some of our friends. I was helping make dinner and SD HAD to have my attention for something downstairs. DH was nowhere in sight so I told her that she either help me complete my cooking task or wait until I am done. She sheepishly walked away because the thought of helping me finish my task sooner was less important that what she needed. So annoying. She was 10 at the time.
I cleaned the damn pan, only
I cleaned the damn pan, only because DH was busy moving our new couch into the house and we had guys there rebuilding our back deck and I was embarassed about the smell. But I made sure I LOUDLY proclaimed how friggin rude it was for someone to come into our home, make a mess and then leave it for someone else to clean up.
SD14 is becoming very, very
SD14 is becoming very, very good at this right now. Esp. since she stays when she feels like it, then goes to BMs at the drop of a hat, leaving her dirty dishes and counters...the last time there was a pile of stuff on the counter next to the stove because DH had taken out the trash that morning on his way out and didn't put in a new trash liner. SD14, instead of putting in a new liner (because no one has exepected her to lift a finger and now she's never going to) left her trash on the counter. So I added my trash to THAT pile. DH cleaned it all up later that day.
And that was a week after she left her egg mess, which I also left out for DH to clean up.
It's maddening. And Yes, I've clearly told DH that it's absurdly rude to make a mess, leave and then someone else HAS to clean it up. And I will not be putting up with it over the summer or next year.
It will continue to go
It will continue to go downhill from here. Disney dads don't like to be told they suck as parents and they don't like parenting. When the evil SM dares to speak, it's easier for them to be mad at us than parent their brats.
He is sucking as a parent
He is sucking as a parent right now! I don't really regret saying it. How many times does it have to be said?! She has been 50% for 2 months now! How many months does it take to give her a routine and expect her to perform basic tasks to contribute to the household??
Well, it took my dh a full
Well, it took my dh a full freaking year after he won 50/50 to actually start having them wash dishes and take out the trash on a regular basis. And I STILL had to parent him to parent. It drove me to complete disengagement which was just a new way for me to be blamed because I withdrew. Buckle up darling. It gets worse than chores. I hate to be right so damn much and several of us did warn you... but I'm glad your eyes are opening.
I always have to parent him
I always have to parent him to parent! I told SD when I picked her up yesterday that the rule is to bathe every other day. Period. She still hadn't showered last night right before 9pm so I told her "Shower tonight or at 6am tomorrow. Your choice. It is your responsibility to bathe at least every other day when you're here without being told". She said "ok" but I know it isn't registering in her mind. She is so used to being told what to do and when to do it that her attitude is "why should I put in any effort? someone will always remind me." She doesn't mind being a dirty grease ball.
I am trying my best to help make her into a productive human being! She only has 5 more years of being in school and claims she's moving out of state to college ANYWHERE she doesn't know ANYBODY. How is she supposed to do that if mommy and daddy have to still open water bottles for her and remind her to shower!?
So don't pick SD up. Tell DH
So don't pick SD up. Tell DH to handle it. He wanted 50/50, then he needs to facilitate 50/50. That means making his daughter cleans up after herself, and making sure his daughter is taken care of. Expecting you to do it isn't "taking care of it".
If he can't manage her, maybe he needs to go back to EOWE.
This is very true, sadly. I
This is very true, sadly. I have plans with my aunt after 4 and SD gets out at 3.. Maybe aunt "calls" early and I won't be available?
I didn't want to believe that he is a lazy, dismissive parent, but the proof is in the pudding.
We weren't trying to be mean
We weren't trying to be mean to you or your DH when we tried warning you about this. Disney parents have an MO, and your DH checks off nearly every box on the Cosmo "Are You a Lazy Parent?" quiz. It doesn't mean he isn't a caring, loving father. However, it does mean that you're going to end up feeling like BM in real short order if he doesn't get his act together and actually parent. If you think her attitude is bad now, just wait until she turns on you like she does BM because the only person who gives in is DH.
BM surely is a rotten person
BM surely is a rotten person who never expected SD to have life skills until she is now nearing high school, but DH is no better. Yes, she is awful, horrible, mentally unstable, yada yada, but DH is dead set on SD being the victim. Now that BM is trying to parent, it backfired on her and DH can't see that. He just wants to be the hero (I think this was said before), and now I am seeing that.
Was I wrong to tell him that maybe if he taught SD how to be a productive family member, the dishes would've been done? Is that insulting?
No, you were not wrong! And
No, you were not wrong! And your DH knows it.
UGH the Yelling!
Chef is a loud yeller as well. If he is passionate over something he starts raising his voice and yelling over you. I always have to stop and say "why are you yelling?" "Maybe you should increase the strength of your argument instead of the volume of your voice." Of course Chef was raised as a shoeless feral so there you have it.
I don't get it! I asked to
I don't get it! I asked to have a convo, he knows he was being dismissive, and *I* am to blame because I want him to come home sober ONE night of the week! He wasn't sh!t faced but enough to be slurring words. He doesn't eat much during the day then has 2-4 high gravity beers with his co-workers to "blow off steam". I am sick of his attitude. I get he works hard and is the bread winner but I do literally EVERYTHING ELSE. Down to going out of my way to make sure SD is comfortable here.
I am stuck
I am stuck on expecting you to join him in the shower when he has been out drinking. Like isn't his needy daughter still there? Is he quiet about it? The mind boggles!
He is just in the midst of DSB and Mantrumland. (DSB = Deadly Sp-rm Buildup, I made it up years ago to explain stupid man behaviour because it pretty much covers it all). He has to parent his daughter.
But she isn't soo bad really. I co-worker was telling us she was talking to a group of girls last night who are about to graduate highschool this year. They had no idea who or what Maine is. They thought South Africa is a US state. And the Nile? Isn't that the longest river in the USA? I Kid.You.Not.
I don't think he was trying
I don't think he was trying to be naughty, but we usually shower together so that was a normal request. SD was barricaded in her room with her face glued to a screen so she wouldn't know the difference.
My FIL said he went to have an CT scan and the tech didn't know where Philadelphia was. He is from there. He was horrified and said he was scared that this young girl was irradiating him lol
The schools don't teach basic
The schools don't teach basic geography any longer, that's why!
I was horrified when I found out the SDs were JUST getting basic geography in Middle School and they had never had to memorize the states, continents, oceans or other countries. I bought a globe because I was tired of them asking things like "what is the Mediterranean Ocean?" or "Where is Georgia?"
I had all that stuff memorized by 4th/5th grade!
That's Appalling!
How can we think globally if we don't even know where anything is???
Much less understand the news
Much less understand the news; they just don't understand where anything is!
They couldn't identify the Pacific vs. the Atlantic ocean when they were 10! DH just taught SD12 what the mountain ranges we see every day are.
Agree with dish strike - I
Agree with dish strike - I did it and it works!
I never had to progress to the next stage of boxing up all the regular dishware / utensils and replacing with paper/disposable but I was close.
You're maturing and starting
to make changes that shift the paradigm in your home. This is pushback for that. Brace for more of it.
You're not wrong about your DH needing to step up his parenting game now that custody is 50/50, but you were wrong for engaging at all in front of the skid. You can stand your ground without engaging in a fight by using deflection. Be breezy and say "We'll discuss this later, DH". Just don't follow his lead.
I do think you were right in not playing the maid, but changing the dynamic in your home will require you standing firm over time. Your DH is no mental giant, so he's going to have to learn through repetition and consequences. Clean up after yourself; in fact, I'd make sure my areas were extra sparkling and orderly just to provide added contrast to their mess. And his nightly drinking needs to stop on custody weeks. Watching SD after school I get, but not watching her while he drinks after work. That's his parenting time.
If either one of you is
If either one of you is honestly yelling at the other I don't think you two are managing conflicts effectively. I can't remember the last time I yelled. I can't remember the last time my DH yelled either but we both have histories of shouting till the window's rattled. We don't do it anymore because it never really accomplished anything.
It's honestly much easier this way.
Now your DH gave you a hard time about not having done the dishes when he perceived you had time but you feel that you didn't. This is a pretty common argument. Blaming some of the dishes on him is a common and acceptable response. (I know, I have this argument all the time and I've been on both sides of it.) Bringing SD into it is probably playing a little dirty. It's not related to the issue at hand, and when you bring up the past like that its only going to piss off your DH and/or encourage him to shut down.
Some things I've learned from relationships with difficult people with explosive tempers and abusive tendencies?
1) Never yell unless the house is on fire. If he yells refuse to continue until he stops. He will learn.
2) Never bring up the past during an argument. Focus on the issue at hand otherwise you both might as well just stand there with shovels digging progressively deeper holes until you're both in separate provinces of China. If you have other issues such as SD, bring them up when youre not arguing. You're much more likely to get a useful reaction that way.
3)Never use always or never statements. They only ever piss people off.
Clear the house of all the
Clear the house of all the dishes and buy paper and plastic. You've already started this war, might as well finish it and make your point clear. What else do they forget or choose not to do? Stop doing that too. Give in now and you could drag this out for years or make it clear now and it just might get solved sooner, or you find just how a big a Jacka^% you married and you decide your worth more and deserve a better life.
Running you down in front of
Running you down in front of SD does huge damage to your authority and respect in the household. When I disengaged, it wasn't all about SD, I disengaged from DH too to a large extent. He used to run me down in front of her. Then SD aggravated the situation x100 by reporting our marital problems to BM. I don't just hate SD, I hate the person DH is when he's around SD. Being around her is hell, but being around the two of them together is unbearable. Not just the disrespect, but the manipulative way they interact with each other.
I don't raise my voice or argue with DH anymore. I calmly told him I'm not doing anything anymore, and refused to discuss it further. I put my own dishes in the dishwasher, run it if it is full, and empty it when I feel enough time has passed that I've made a full load's worth. Sometimes the dishwasher will sit clean for 5+ days before someone empties it. Then stinky dishes will pile up in the sink. Still, I leave it for DH to see, he needs to experience SD's laziness firsthand. If it happens, I either wash my dish, or leave it on the counter. I don't eat at home very often. When I buy groceries, I buy for myself and anything DH requests, nothing for SD. I don't drive her anywhere, ever.
DH and SD crossed a line with me over a year ago, and a switch flipped that cannot be unflipped. The change in atmosphere is tangible. Our relationship changed forever. DH wouldn't dare run me down again. He knows he's on sufference. He knows I've disengaged, and he knows why. It sucks to be him because I used to do everything, and they didn't appreciate it, so now the house went to hell.
Take back your power now. Don't wait for bitterness or something unforgiveable to happen. If he says something to you about a mess, ask him to explain why his position makes sense, because it doesn't. Or refuse to discuss it. State what you are going to do, and stick to it. If he's a jerk, walk away. Get out of the car. I've actually ubered home from a restaurant before when DH was out of line. I also frequently refuse to go places with him, and he knows why. He got the message real quick to stop phucking with me.
Leaving you home with SD while he's out drinking with his buddies is unacceptable. I mean seriously? He wanted custody so he could leave his kid with you while he goes drinking? Expecting you to be home cleaning while he's out drinking and SD doesn't have any chores is completely ridiculous. AND, he came home tipsy, does this 5 days/week? I hope he enjoys his incoming DUI. Sounds like he has a drinking problem.
Women need to train their men
Women need to train their men better!
How dare he give you hell for dirty dishes, no matter who made them??? You work. And if you work in a hospital, you work HARD.
Don't let him talk to you like that and don't give a rat's ass about SD giving you the cold shoulder. Right is right and he had no business telling you HIS house is not clean because YOU didn't clean it. It will not cave in because of dirty dishes!
I can't believe I'm reading this in 2018! And from a working woman, no less! And don't even get me started about his great shower offer! What the hell? After cleaning up after him and his kid you're supposed to be in the mood to serve him in bed???
Let me tell you something...this is NOT how it is in every marriage. You've got a lot of work to train this one, but it's not too late. Set him straight right now and tell him to be glad his daughter is seeing how a real woman gets things done so she won't be saddled with deadbeat husband someday!