Parenting Differences
So DH and I were visiting my sister's family (sister, her husband, her DD14) the past week. And this happened:
Sis came home unannounced the day were were arriving to find her DD14 in her bedroom, with the lights off and boy. YEP. So my niece (who is closer to 15, looks 16, but is clearly still 14) was in trouble. No phone, no friends, a huge list of chores, unannounced drop ins by neighbors, new and updated rules about unknown 'friends' in the house, etc. Talks done by my sis and her dad (she was shaking in her shoes at that one). They handled it GREAT and with speed.
So DH and I were talking that night. I tell him what happend. His reaction? Verbatim: "I don't see what the big deal is."
My jaw hit the floor and my eyes literally rolled into my brain. I listed MANY big deals: teen pregancy, unknown friends, potential for missing items, STDs, and on and on. His response: I'm too worried, they were 'experimenting' no biggie. I'm also a "capitalist" for wanting my things not stolen, sex ed in school has taught them what they need to know, kids 100s of years ago were married at 14 so no biggie, their bodies are ready for it, etc., etc. I remained silent and let him speak.
Then: 1) So if SD14 or SD12 has boys over, any time, no biggie. You take SD14 when we get back to the doctor and get her on birth control NOW because I'm not raising any baby nor will I be any party to funding or helping with a teen mother. 2) He's delusional if he thinks kids younger than 20 have any understanding of sex and the mental part of it, and if he thinks sex ed is enough he's CRAZY 3) So let's throw open the doors of our house and let anyone grab anything they want for the sake of destroying capitalism? WTH? Nope. This means I find the key to our bedroom doors ASAP. 4) If he expects me to potenitally live with strangers coming and going in my house as the SDs get older he's got another thing coming - or I'm out.
Of course, I'm over-reacting. And nothing I've ever preditcted in the past has come true. I was simply floored. As was my sister.
oh, as to his comment about
oh, as to his comment about 14 yos marring, I reminded him marriage was also a financial/family consolidation deal, nothing to do with sex but everything to do with power, and 14 yos weren't marrying 14 yos. The young girls were marrying young to much, much older men and to have lots of babies, within marriage.
Unless your SDs have a heck
Unless your SDs have a heck of a lot more sense than their father, they're in for a long, hard road.
That is a highly unusual
That is a highly unusual response from a father of girls I must say. In my household I'm the more relaxed one on this matter - although still nothing like your DH.
I'm a realist - you may feel that kids know nothing about sex before they are 20 (and you're probably right) but in my view it's just not realistic expecting them to wait that long to have sex. If you do put those expectations on your kids or skids then you better be prepared for them to lie to you constantly as very few kids wait till that age to lose their virginity these days.
Now don't get me wrong, I also strongly agree that 14 is too young and I would also not condone either my skid or kid having a boyfriend/girlfriend over without me knowing or being there at that age. However, as a child who spent her teenage years constantly lying to her very religious parents as I wasn't allowed to do anything - I want to do it differently with my skids and baby boy due next month. I want them to feel like they can talk to me about sex and hopefully I can influence them to wait until a reasonable age and be safe.
I didn't say no sex till 20,
I didn't say no sex till 20, but instead he needs to get SD14 on birth control if that's his attitude. And that a 14 yo doesn't understand ramifications of it. Not a prude, but will not agree to 14/15 year olds doing it in my house, especially those that have no rules, no responsibility, no respect. I simply don't trust SD14 the older she gets.
DH needs to look at today's
DH needs to look at today's marriage laws. In most places in the U.S. a 14 year old cannot get a marriage license. And what makes him think that the boy (father) would be old enough to marry? Or would even want to marry? Or that marriage at this age is a good idea today?
Did he look at the age of consent where you live? If the age of consent is over 14, which it is in many places, and the boy (father) is older, he can be charged with statutory rape. So is your husband ok with condoning statutory rape?
There's so much wrong with his thoughts that I'd question his sanity if he were my husband.
After our discussion I
After our discussion I silently vowed to never, ever bring it up again. Another disengaged topic.
His reaction? Verbatim: "I
His reaction? Verbatim: "I don't see what the big deal is." I listed MANY big deals: teen pregnancy, unknown friends, potential for missing items, STDs, and on and on. His response: I'm too worried, they were 'experimenting' no biggie.
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Either your DH is the biggest idiot in the world or he thought you were making this about his kids and his reaction was to get you to hush about it. Either way it worked. You hushed about it.
I would make it clear that NO ONE enters you and DHs home unless you both know about it. If he is A OK with his DAUGHTERS experimenting at 14…he can go buy them a motel room or something. But not in the house! What a weird reaction.
Sadly, my experience with DH
Sadly, my experience with DH has been, I put my foot down about something and then it's ignored or deemed "too reactive." So any "rule" I may make is in my own head. I have made progress, in FIVE years to the living room being cleaned up, the kitchen (but not always) and most of the time the front door locked (back door forget about even trying). So anything he thinks so strongly about, he gets to deal with. I don't know how in the world I would prevent the SDs from bringing people over; I am away from the house 12 hours a day during the week and don't get home until around 7:00 pm, the SDs are home at 3:00 or so when they are with us and DH works mostly from home. So I am physically unable to do a damn thing.
I've become very good at pushing back right at him - "You know, I'm not going to discuss this with you because I brought this up X years ago, you refused to do anything about it then, and when it came up now and then in the last year, you still refused to take my advise or listen. So I won't help." This statement has made my life much easier, along with rules for myself to keep myself sane.