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More vacation guilt

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 1:45pm

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General Discussion

My husband continues to passive agressively guilt me because Im going out of the country to a friend of mines wedding in the Caribbean this summer. He was invited to go but declined and I expressed how much it would mean to me if he went with me and he still declined. He said doesnt want to leave his kids plus he cant afford it. I understand this and havent guilted him about it but I am still going. I found out that same month this summer him and his sister are throwing his mother a 70th birthday party with all of her friends at a country club she likes. He is spending hundreds of dollars on this to have a catered and rent the space. Im not sure why thats necessary but his choice and to each their own. BTW his sister is almost 40 and still living at home with the mother. Odd family.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 3:00pm

Can’t  affording the trip is BS.  Does not want to leave his kids for a week. That going t be a major problem for you 

So either he does not really want to go with you. Or So interwoven with his kids it’s always going to be them VS you 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 3:09pm

I'm sorry that you are going through this but DO NOT let him guilt you into not going. If he really wanted to go with you, he would. The kids and money are just excuses.

What kind of husband would not love to go on vacation with his wife? I had to go on a business trip once and DH immediately took off work so that he could go with me. It didn't even cross his mind NOT to go! First words out of his mouth when I told him was, "Can I go?" 

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 5:52pm

Throughout last year my now X would not discuss having time off for work to go away with me. I took him away for an expensive weekend for his birthday- he said he enjoyed it but made no attempt to go away with me again. The only time he took time off work was to go do things for his kids- not with them, just for them.

This year I had lots if invitations to go away from other people and I asked him politely if he had any plans to go away with me at all. That was the first of three times he told me he wanted to leave me- but he didn't so I left him.

Your DH is not thinking about you because he's putting his family before you- this is a mighty red flag you would be wise not to ignore.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 6:16pm

Just laugh at him when he tries to guilt you.  DO NOT let him make you feel guilty no matter how hard he tries.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 7:29pm

DH and I take separate vacations. He’ll go on golfing trips and I’ll go with the girls for a beach vacay. I would never make him feel bad for going somewhere without me and he’s never guilted me about my girls trips. 

We do also take trips together. We are lucky enough to be able to afford to travel more than once a year. 

I think it comes down to communication and respect. If you are feeling neglected and disrespected, talk to him. Tell him what you’re feeling and go from there.

My step dad enjoys traveling but he has big hang ups about spending money and having enough money to last in their twilight years. My parents are in their mid 70s. My mom loves to travel and so she saves and budgets for her trips. My step dad has stayed at home while my mom has come with us on vacation. It’s his choice and he would rather spend his savings on things other than travel. My mom is ok with it and he’s ok with her traveling as long at she’s not using joint money. 

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sun, 04/08/2018 - 8:14pm

Any time he guilts you understand its because he's jealous of your freedom, financial ability to go and lack of responsibility to his kids. You get to go and will most likely have a wonderful time without him. He might not be able to express those feelings out for you so its just coming out as manipulative ways to guilt you to endure this birthday party with him and his family, but don't let him. Normal, functioning, healthy couples do things separately sometimes. This is one of those times and you should tell him that this is just life. Sometimes y'all have to go to your separate plans but you'll send his mom a gift for the party or help him pick something out for her party. Do not bail on your friend for this guy. If you do, he is going to walk right over you for the duration of your relationship until you have nothing left to give and he goes to find a replacement. 

NakedBee00's picture

Submitted by NakedBee00 on Mon, 04/09/2018 - 9:14am

Not buying he can't afford it as hes got money for things he wants to do. My BF also won't take a vacation with me as god forbid miss a parenting day with the kids. The way they have the screwed up schedule set up he has his kids ever few days so when we do go away we can never leave the state. BM being the nasty thing she is would never switch days so we could get a real vacation. Go away and enjoy yourself