Favorite Child Comment led to I hope you don't.
This morning I am listening to the radio as I am taking SS9 to daycare. They were talking about how a 1/4 of parents will admit they have a favorite and blah blah blah, it was funny. As we go to get out of the car this is what happens.....
SS: Ash, I know who the favorite is, i mean there is no other so I know who it is.
Ash: Let me guess it is you.
SS: Yeah I am the only one so I am the favorite. (We get out of car)
Ash: (Jokingly) Who knows maybe that will change if I have another...
SS: Let's hope not.
Ash: Why not?
SS: I hope you don't have another one.
Ash: Well that is mean to say and you are being selfish. Also that is for me and daddy to decide you do not get a say about it.
SS: (Silence)
Ash: Ok I love you I will see you later. Hey even if we did we would still love you the same.
This is not the first time this has been said by him. He literally does not want me and my SO to have a kid. The reason why, oh we all know the reason. He does not want to share any of the attention that he gets from anyone. He even said something like he did not want his aunt to take time away from him. Basically I have a really spoiled SS who has been dotted on so badly by his aunt and g-parents that he does not want to share any of that with another kid. Not saying SO and I are having one. No plans really but damn it kinda hurts a little when he says to me he does not want me to have a kid.
He sees his friends all have brother's and sister's and still nope never had a want to have a sibling. Great wonder what will ever happen with SS if I do have a kid. Again not sure, I even want to have a kid but I like having the option.
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You still have the option.
You still have the option. Your SO needs to have a serious talk with him about this. It may also be good for him to get involved with some volunteer work. That level of selfishness turns into narcissism really easily. It's time to re-examine his lifestyle and start making him work for his things.
I totally agree with you. He
I totally agree with you. He is great when he plays with other kids and his friends. He encourages them says they are doing a good job never negative. When he is at school and at a friends house this whole attention this is not an issue. He just does not want to share me, SO, his aunt, or g-parents. He plays great with my cousins kids who are younger, he even asked to hold the baby when he sees her.
He does chores around the house. We have instilled if he has bad attitude or get back a test with low grades he can not do fun things. SO does need to have a talk with him for sure.
Sounds like you got a great
Sounds like you got a great kid there. No offense meant but it sounds like he was just reacting to what you said (even though you said it jokingly he's still pretty young). I've read all your blogs and my honest asessment of your situation is that I think you got a good kid and SO. I think you are just getting worried because you hear about other people's nightmare situations. I'm not saying you're creating issues (because I don't think you are) but it sounds like you got this under control, so just be careful that you don't create problems in the name of being vigilant lol, do you know what I mean? You got this!
Thank You
Thank You
I wouldn't worry about it. He
I wouldn't worry about it. He is an only child so he hasn't learned to share. I have friends who were a little worried when they had a second child but everything worked out all right.
It's probably just a fear of
It's probably just a fear of his.... Especially being ditched by his BM. I know SD9 has had similar insecurities. She's literally said to me something along the lines of: "You can't ever get pregnant, because if you do, then you won't love me anymore like momma doesn't...." It's hard for them to grasp an adult walking out of their lives (can't blame them... I can't even imagine), so I think they voice their insecurities in strange ways.
Also, do what I do, anytimes the skids ask who my favorite is, I tell them that parents aren't allowed to pick favorites and I think they're both equally amazing. You don't need to rub the "that's mine and dad's choice" at him. Just know it is. And if you two decide to have one, you shouldn't talk to him about it. Just keep him in the loop when you do get pregnant and let him know how much you still love him.
Also the radio is the worst... I have had to have SO MANY coversations with SD9 because of the radio... Credit scores... Taxes... Periods... How to "not" get preggo (the 9 year old version)... 9 must just be a curious age, because that kid is weirdly observant when it comes to the radio.
Thanks, This really helped a
Thanks, This really helped a lot. Maybe it is more of insecurity and not being selfish. My SO and I do not really have any set plans and we are currently taking measures to prevent things. We said after the wedding and new year we will evaluate where are and what we both really want.
Usually he ignores the radio and the station I listen to is always super kid friendly. Thank god I have not had to have talks with him about anything serious. Thank you again so much. It is hard to understand a child dealing with a parent walking out on them. You never really know for sure if they are ok or how much of and effect it has had.
We're doing the same as far
We're doing the same as far as prevention goes
So I understand, it's not in the works, but you still feel a bit protective about it. I've had the ex's family sit there going "we need a boy! You two get on that!" (to DH and I) And I awkward laugh while internally screaming for them to stay away from a kid that may never exist. LMAO
My radio station is kid friendly too... But we swapped to spotify in the mornings... lol. She just picks up on all the little things I don't think most kids notice, and then asks questions, which I'm more than happy to be open about, but I also don't want her to grow up faster than she already has.
I honestly don't think the kids really realize either until little triggers hit... And then you can tell, whether it's little comments of "please don't leave me ever..." or "don't have a kid, you won't love me then." It's a confusing and tough situation. But it sounds like you're doing great
I just know I see similar things with SD9.
My husband and I have two
My husband and I have two kids together. My SD got upset each time she found out we were expecting. Rather than explain to her what being a big sister is all about and that having siblings is part of life, my husband totally just caved to her emotions and acted like we were doing something wrong. Then BM had a baby and SD was upset again. My husband moped around in disbelief that BM would "do that" to SD. The whole situation was absolutely ridiculous and my husband facilitated it.
SD, who is nearly 10, still seems to dislike DD5 and DD2. She doesn't want to talk to them or look at them when she gets to our house EOWE. They both run up to hug her and she just stands there, staring blankly. By the end of the weekend, things are usually okay, but the indcotrination from BM during the 12 days she's there goes a long way to helping SD think there's something wrong with our household by the time she comes back.
Sometimes I honestly wish I hadn't brought my own children into this mess. I love them so much but there is so much crap they've already had to deal with because of BM, GBM and SD (and honestly from my husband as well).
My skid repeadly asked over the years for us to not have any
more kids. His SpermIdiot breeds like a rat and SS is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas on that side of his gene pool.
He liked the calm and low drama one child environment in his full time home and family.
Of course his opinion played no part in our decision to not have any more. I was not willing to risk my bride's life and health just to put my genetic stamp on a spawn. She nearly died while having SS due to severe toxemia/pre-eclampsia.
While we both would have loved to have more kids.... I wouldn't want to do this life without her. So... SS got his wish.
And so did I.
Same boat here
I made a comment about WHEN we have a baby to SD now 12 about a year ago. She says "I already have a brother from BM". I told her that was great but that doesn't mean DH and I aren't allowed to have a baby also. I had a recent post about this. SD constantly makes comments about "not liking" her brother and it really bothers me but I ignore it. When I have my baby, I'll worry about working with DH to put her in her place.
Funny thing- when SD was 6/7ish and DH and I had been together for almost 2 years, SD BEGGED us for a baby sister.
He's been the prince for 11
He's been the prince for 11 years, his reaction is normal.
I have to say that was a
I have to say that was a pretty stupid thing to joke about. “I don’t know, maybe you won’t be my favorite if I have my own kid?” This is an 11 year old boy. Of course after that statement he is going to say “I hope you don’t.”
It is normal for an only child, especially an older only child, to worry that his parents/step-parents would love another child more than him. That should not influence your choice to have/not have a child, but you can be reassuring and kind about it. And definitely not joke about it.
I was thinking this as i read it
Why even say it? Your not having baby talks at this time, but you could have stopped "joking" once he guessed he is the fav...tada everyone happy- but then you put this threat above his head- dun dun- maybe you wont be the fav for long- (i picture evil laughter)... why put the doubt there?
It does sound like he is a good kid, ease up on him, stop worring about siblings until you guys are serious.
Keep it light, unless you want to build a wall up, then keep making weird threats.
Why would you tell young
Why would you tell young child that he won’t be favorite if you have another one? That’s setting kid up to either say mean things about not wanting a sibling or get him feel anxious. You can have 5 kids and all will be your favorites. No need to say silly things like that to a kid. It’s ok to joke but you are an adult here. Sometimes I am just puzzled with all this. He is a good kid, why look for trouble?