Because I am like the nosy neighbor around here, can I ask how old BM is?  Living at home with her parents, not working playing on social media and sitting around watching shows/movies for half the day, day after day. I can't say I know many (if any) females who would be happy with that. She doesn't even have the tots to tend to (you said she has an 8hr a day nanny for the littles). 

I'd think she'd be bored out of her wits. Again, most females I know would have been working for years and years and had careers to keep them very busy when not tending to their children. I'm just being nosy. Your description of the BM makes me think of a young twenties who never got a higher education and had the silly idea some guy would come along and support her entirely while she sunbathed on some remote beach on numerous holidays. 

Just a thought, but if Dad is paying for the nanny for BM, why doesn't he direct his hired help to be sure the children are bathed and appropriately groomed?  Perhaps the nanny could be directed by who pays her to get the children up, groomed and delivered to daycare where they would learn how other children behave and have a constructive environment during the day time period? 

They would likely still spend their late afternoons and early evenings watching cartoons (heaven forbid BM actively interacts with them) , but at least they would be clean and have had normal interactions during the day. 

I think a lot of us know BMs like that, though the level of lazy you describe is definitely on the more extreme end.

BM in my life didn't work for many years. My DH paid for her apartment, utilities, car insurance, cell phone, and occasionally food. He bought all the kids clothes, coats, school supplies, etc. Sometimes even gave BM money to do laundry when she didnt have it. Plus gas for her car. Money for co-pays for medication at the pharmacy (which was always less than $15). All in addition to CS.

Oh, did I mention that DH did all of this while the kids were school-aged and BM was married to someone else who also didn't work and had a child he rarely visited and certainly paid none of his own money for (since he didn't have any)? BM LOVED touting him at the father DH could never be, and that cracks me up.

Eventually, BM's DH got them all evicted from their apartment that DH was paying for, so that gravy train ended. BM slowly did stupid things that made DH stop helping. DH and I bought a house and had resources to fight her, and she magically got a job. The less DH enabled her despite having the means to do it, the faster she got it figured out herself.

She is currently not working because she is "sick" or something. DH and I are in agreement that if she loses her apartment, the boys live with us and that's that. She won't take them to live with other people, and we'll hire an attorney who will ensure they live with us until BM is actually financially stable.

Becoming a full-time SM is a very real possibility in situations like this. All it takes is BM losing her place to live, BM deciding that being a mom is too much, BM makes poor recreational decisions, etc then BOOM! Kids are with you and their dad full-time for...ever, maybe. It's really a roll of the dice on whether BM can sustain herself or not, and yours has years to eff it up.

If the nanny your husband pays for is taking care of them all day, he's paying too much. You blame the bm for the TV watching, but say the nanny is watching the kids. Which is it? 

Also, I have Netflix, but I've never been able to see how many hours it's in use per day. How do you find that out?

Are they still married?  This man does an awful lot for a woman he is no longer with.  I find it interesting that you didn't say he is paying CS.  Instead you say he is financially supporting his ex. *bad*

Why are you staying in a relationship with a man who iiì s supporting another woman?

Why is this guy paying for a nanny if she isn't taking of the basic needs.

It really sounds like these parents settled on a parenting style that works for them.  After the spilt, they have agreed to continue parenting in this manner.  

So, two things... Yes I don't like BM, yes I do think she's a waste of space that shouldn't have ever had kids. She's also an emotionally abusive, neglectful, druggie, who's preggo with another anchor child and hasn't actually financially given to the skids ever and hasn't even bothered with them in 10 months now. (also something about a psycho trying to flirt with my DH gets my feathers ruffled.... LMAO)

As for other things... Your partner shouldn't be funding her. He's enabling, she's not even going to pretend to step-up if she has the option not to. If she can keep mooching off him, she will. He needs to cancel Netflix, get his own acocunt, don't share the info with her. Idk what the CO says about paying for childcare or if your partner pays CS. But he shouldn't be paying for the Nanny 100% unless the CO states he should be. If the skids have a nanny and they come back in that bad of a state it makes me wonder if she's even doing her job that well... BM should be taking care of it, but there's also a hired person as well.

Basically what I'm saying, it's two seperate households. Financially he shouldn't be supporting her, that's her job now, part of the divorce is creating two seperate households. So things don't need to be shared like that, and she needs to pony up and learn to support the kids too. Enablind is'nt helping anyone. Not you as his partner, not his kids, not even BM in sense of actually being an adult. 

Also she's bieng a social media parent. BM still manages to post pictures of the skids all over the place... Yet she hasn't ever cared for them and hasn't actually taken them since Christmas which was for an hour before she said she was "done with them." and before that we're talking middle of last year. But she has to keep that MOTY image. Because to her, image is everything, she doens't care what happens to anyone else, including her kids.

I agree with what the other posters are saying here. I am confused as to why your SO is paying for the nanny during her time. He should stop that. If the nanny is going to continue on her time, like the others said- tell the nanny that she needs to make sure that they are bathed daily, teeth brushed daily (ideally morning and evening, but once a day is better than nothing), that hair is brushed. If nails are an issue, that can be handled at your house. They don't need to be clipped daily and since they spend 1/2 the week with you, that can be a routine you do with them. 

I know all about worthless BM's. I contend with 2 of them. I think one of your biggest stuggles is that she follows attachment based parenting. I have several friends that do this as well. It isn't my thing, but I respect them. You need to find out if that is how your SO wants to parent as well. If he does, then you need to get on board. You aren't the parent. You aren't even the step-mother. You are young (something I hated hearing when I was younger), your partner is significantly older than you. This gap is going to get bigger. You also stated before that you weren't sure you ever wanted kids. Well, you are going to have 2 for at least 1/2 the time, maybe full time in the future. Are you prepared for that. I see on this site all the time about people who said things like- my partner only had skids everyother weekend, and now it is full time beacuse of BM and I hate my life. If you aren't prepared for that being a possibility you need to get out. These are real things and real toddlers that will become real teenagers that will really hate you at some point no matter what you do for them (Biokids do this too). If you aren't willing to make this your life, you really need to take a look at your realationship...

We definitely live in an age where we (general “we”) can easily and quickly flaunt our parenting choices. I personally don’t see baby wearing, attached parenting, etcetera as bad things, but it definitely goes against the whole too much screen time, pawning them off on other caretakers dealio. 

The city I live in has A LOT of these parent types. It’s a running joke that we have a huge population of “free range” children because of these parenting choices. I have a couple Mom friends who sound just like the BM here, and boy let me tell you what a handful these kids are for their parents. I just have to sit back and laugh. 

Meh, so it sounds like BM is an entitled hypocrite heavily immersed in her identity as a certain type of parent that behind closed doors she is not. When it comes to social media, a lot of mother’s (and some fathers) really embrace their parenting as a status to be shared. It’s a form of attention and recognition for them. 

Try to not let it bother you. Instead, focus on how and why dad is funding this lifestyle for BM.

I feel this too especially with the hygiene and too much tv. It makes you work harder to do the right thing but you will get no credit for it. 

BM just have to show up and they are the good parent that only have their kids interest at heart. You can bend over backwards to accomodate and never get the same level of respect. 

You more or less just have to hope one day she changes or the kids see it for what it is. Otherwise unfortunately if you say anything you are the evil step parent attacking the real parents.