Feeling Judged
Hello fellow stepparents,
So it's been a long 7 year road as a stepparent, and just when I think things are getting manageable, something happens or stirs up those tough emotions of this situation.
I don't want to go into a long bitch-fest about the ex wife because that could take hours. Let's just say she's an a 10/10 on the difficult/mean/bullying scale. She tried very hard to break up our marriage even though I've never said a mean word to her or about her to her kids- been nothing but nice to them ... She's also a trustfund baby so she has money to burn in court to mess with us.
So my issue is this ... some friends came over last weekend (2 couples-the husband of each couple knew the ex wife in high school 20 years ago). When she came to pick up the kids, both couples when out and chatted with her in the driveway leaving my husband and I in the house feeling awkward.
Now I know everyone is allowed to have relationships with whomever they choose and that's not my business, but when we've told both couples what hell we've been through in the last year in court, and we consider them good friends, both my husband I found it odd that they went out to chat. I have to admit it hurt a bit and it got me feeling like maybe they think we're immature or something? But honestly, they have no clue what we've been through with this woman with a personality disorder. She even has a rep as a huge bitch, but I guess people find the drama amusing or something?
I don't know their motivations for chatting, but it definitely hurt. I'm sure the ex was smiling like a Cheshire Cat thinking how much shit she's put us through (false allegations in court, etc) and our own friends are still friendly to her.
i guess I will have to just get over it but I now feel a distance from these friends. I'm just tired of being in this position and no one understands unless they've lived it.
Anyway, just needed to vent. Thanks in advance to anyone listening.
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Comments
sounds familiar
My BIL does that every time BM comes to some family event to drop the kids off. He literally drops everything and trots out to say hi. Mind you, he a) knows that DH was miserable when married to BM and that BM was terrible to DH (like abusive, terrible, not just a poor match); b) he would never do the same for me. When BM emails anything about the kids, he falls all over himself replying. When I emailed him last December to ask what his kids wanted for Christmas...crickets. I've just decided that I don't give a rip about BIL, but man, I had to be really angry before I could get to that place. Unfortunately, I can't totally avoid BIL or I totally would.
Ditto
Oh man, same story with my BIL. You would think considering all his brother has been through with that woman he'd just disengage but no -he sounds just like your BIL!
I don't get these people. I get the feeling that think they're somehow above everything that's happened and are showing us how to act or something. If they had actually experienced what we had or understood the day to day, I don't think they'd be so cool about everything... Gah frustrating!
That was pretty rude. If they
That was pretty rude. If they still want to be friendly with BM, that is their choice, but they were guests in your home. If they want to chat with her, they can do it another time.
I honestly would start to be
I honestly would start to be more careful about what you share with people. Friends don't need to hear about your "hell in court" and conflicts with the EX. Honestly, you wouldn't want the Ex-wife blabbing her story about town would you? I mean, her version would probably paint you equally as badly. I would also take this situation as a warning that people will often listen passively to your ranting then go right on with maintaining a relationship with the person you are ranting about. They are also likely to try to be nosy and get "her" side and in the process spill YOUR beans.
There is zero reason to discuss personal and court issues with casual friends you have over for game nights. Don't discuss your crappy boss, your evil EX.. none of it. Stick to less personal and loaded topics.
Well considering one of the
Well considering one of the guys is my husband' best friend and we were asked how things are going, I dont think my behavior was inappropriate nor do I "blab" about it all over town.
I skipped the details that neither of the wives had never even met the ex before and the ex lives in a city 3 hours away from us. It's not like they're friends with her. That's why I thought it was strange that they went out to be friendly. One of them just said she was being nosy ...
I would appreciate helpful, supportive comments-not commments making huge assumptions about my behaviour:)
I understand how that feels.
I understand how that feels. My ex husband and I would go to his kids sporting events and my in laws would chat it up with BM and her mother and ignore us most of the game. Also my current boyfriend's mom and sister are still friendly with his BM despite the horrible things she has done. It blows my mind. Anytime people are "friendly" with the enemy, I take silent note of it and never overshare or get close to them. My guard stays up. I just don't trust them.
I don't know
I'm the type of person, that unless you've done something to me personally, I'm not going to avoid you or not like you because someone else does. My EXH and I had a lot of mutual friends. After we divorced, we still have a lot of mutual friends, and it's all good at least with me. I would never expect someone to choose sides in matters that have nothing to do with them.
Also while MIL is not good "friends" with BMs, she will talk to them and is generally nice to them.... not gonna lie, it DOES bug me, but I get over it. Not my place to tell MIL who she can and can not talk to.
I agree with you. People don
I agree with you. People don't need to choose sides.
More my issue was that neither of the wives had never met her and the husbands hadn't seen her in ages. Just seems like maybe since they were guests at our house, they didn't have to go out of their way to all go out and say hi. Like I said above, one of the women came in making fun of her to me, but I didn't even want that ... Her husband also apologized and said he was trying to avoid her but followed the other friend.
It's fine - I think we've covered this issue thoroughly on this board!
My dh and I have been
My dh and I have been together for a very VERY long time. There would be a cold day in hell if we had our friends over to our home (or public) and they looked at, much less spoke to his ex.
I don't know how I would have
I don't know how I would have survived all the drama with BM if I couldn't confide in my friends. Sad life to not be able to share our struggles with those close to us. NONE of my friends are in bm's circle, town, etc....so I see nothing wrong w/what poster shared.