Getting the rest of the inlaws involved
Has anyone had their step children lie about them to other family members? Then the other family members shun you?
I had what I thought was an OK relationship with my SS and SD until about 5 years ago. I had given each of them $5K when my son went off to grad school because I was helping him and I wanted to be fair. The SS then asked me for a $5K loan because he and his new bride and new baby were having financial problems. The money was mine from my dad's money he left me. Like lots of women on here I make more money than my husband and I had a house when we met etc. and he had ZIPPO because he had given it all to the ex. Anyway, that year at Christmas (at MILs) they waited until I was in the car to thank their DAD for the grandkids gifts that I had bought them. I was furious. When they did a drive by the next day at our house to pick up their gifts from us (they never ever get us anything) I told them I was upset and the SS acted like I was being silly...of course they thanked me for the Christmas gifts, they had not. I told him to get his s*** and go.
He then proceeded to tell his cousin that I had cussed him out. Her dad, my husband's brother, stopped inviting us to his house for Christmas starting right then and there. That was the only place we had to spend the actual holiday because I'm from up north and his kids never invite us to their home unless it's for gkids birthdays when all the cousins etc. are invited.
The SS then took an extra YEAR beyond what was agreed upon to pay me back. Only he never paid me back, he gave the money to DH. Coward. During that 19 months we were totally shunned. The SD took her $5K and I never even got a thank you note. Now we are invited to large family events but nothing else. I don't even know if the skids decorate for Christmas?? We don't go to anything but Gkids birthday parties because I don't want to be near the cousin that decided we should be shunned because I stuck up for myself or her ball-less father (DHs brother who thought it was fine to not invite us after 14 years of doing so).
I have tried inviting their bio mother here, she came several times, they never reciprocated. The bio mother is a loser who now has dementia and lives with the SS. She collects social security off of my husband's work history. That chaps my rear. She alienated his kids against him and now lives off his hard work.
They don't call their dad, they don't get him anything for birthdays/Christmas. Never see him or call or send a card for Father's day. They never bring the gkids to see him. I have received one gift from them in what is now 18 years of marriage and it was from the SS new bride when she first married him.
I want to know if I should tell all the relatives that don't know the whole story why we don't come to the big family events? I recently got a card from one of DH's aunts saying family parties aren't the same without us. I decided to disengage completely as my new years resolution. So far so good.
- Fed Up after 14 Years's blog
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Comments
How dare you...
How dare you stand up for yourself! After 14 years I would have hoped you would have read the SM handbook . Give but dont recieve, be shunned and accept it, and most importantly when they kick you say thank you.
In all seriousness, its atrocious behavior on their part. Live and learn. You treated your steps like your own, but it is not returned. Now you know. Keep up the disengagement, and get these losers out of your head space (easier said than done). The ingrates cannot even thank you for 5k is beyond believable. They do not deserve your kindness or money.
To answer your question, yes! My SD will disparage me to family, mutual acquaintances, and I am sure even the mailman. That is written in the SD handbook. Family will generally back up the poor poor COD. Know you are not alone.
IMO, 'loaning' cash to family is bad idea
I don't 'loan' cash to friends or family. If I give cash, it's because I want to and it is truly a gift. When given it is made clear I do not want to be paid back.
Part of my thinking on this is that if someone is short on cash (for whatever reason), they are short on cash. Trying to repay just keeps the person short on cash. There is more to my self rules of gifting cash, but that is the main rule for me.
I think your skids did you seriously wrong, but I didn't read where they actually lied to the cousin about you. SS said you cussed him out. From what you said, you did. So I assume the estrangement was more than him ratting on you for calling him out with a few select words, and there was more to the conversation he had with the cousins/Uncle.
Anyway... I think I would do some family gatherings in your home. With the Aunt who sent the card, for example. Why not create some of your own celebrations and/or just 'let's get together for a backyard BBQ' type occasion? The guest list would be what you desire it to be and it would give you a chance to socialize with people who care about your DH and you and you and your Dh care about. It's ok not to invite the skids. They are a younger generation and I'm sure have get- together with friends and social events that the rest of the extended family aren't invited to.
The Aunt is kindly reaching out to you. She obviously enjoys spending a bit of social time with DH and you. Make it happen. Or simply invite a couple extended relative family out for a nice dinner now and then. Adult children and grandkids do not have to be involved to be able for the older family members to get together and enjoy themselves.
There is more
I did not cuss him out. I told him to get his s*** which was his Christmas present from us and leave. He told the cousin that I hated his whole family since 1 year after I married dh. We have done tons for SS. Paid car taxes, paternity tests 4 kids 3 mamas, fixed cars...on ànd on. I have done stuff for my mother in law that no one should have to do. And Dh just never says a word. He is OK with me disengaging. He will see them at the nursing home where his mother lives when they get together for ice cream. I am lactose and skid intolerant now.
Toxic aholes should be
Toxic aholes should be totally removed from your life no matter who they share DNA with. User/losers never bring anything positive to one's life.
If others choose to side with the loser/users then too bad so sad - you don't need them either. Just be glad your DH is not one of them who think you should tolerate the intolerable.
As far as holidays - you do not need "family" to have great celebrations. I've been fortunate to have had a big supportive family for most of my life. Now that I am older (70s) the herd has thinned. But my dh and I have managed to have great holidays even when it is just the two of us getting away from it all.
A phrase I like is "Bloom where you are". In other words find fun times where ever you find yourself.
The adult steps have bad
The adult steps have bad mouthed me time and time again to my DH's relatives and some friends any chance they get. I know this because some of those people have told me what the hateful adult steps have said to them.
This has made us disengage from them more and more. Of course I am also blamed by the adult steps and now some inlays when DH does not want to attend an event where the adult steps are at because DH is sick of their disrespect.
You are not alone.
Family isn't always blood. It
Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.
Surround yourself with people who care, fock the rest. It's no fun to try to shun someone who has better things to do. The best revenge is letting them hear about all the fun you are having without them.
...we don't come to the big
Disengagement from steps is different from disengagement from extended family. You are letting your stepkids dictate your relationship with the rest of the family. Stop. Your relationship to extended family is not dependent on your relationship to the steps. Extended family relationships with you are not dependent on their relationship with the steps.
Accept invitations from aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, etc and go with a smile on your face. Let the steps be the ones uncomfortable with your presence.