More SD's "graduation"...
Interesting development.
Background: SD19 is the stereotypical awful stepchild. She was 13-14 when her dad and I got together, and she has ALWAYS gotten her way. Well, she told daddy he couldn't date me, he didn't bow down, and the shit hit the fan. Lawyers, court hearings, GAL, fights...you name it. She stopped coming to our home at 17 and ceased ALL contact with DH. High school graduation was a f'n nightmare, I was NOT allowed to attend (needed tickets), DH told her he was disappointed in her and that he would not go out of respect for me. (I told him he needed to be there, so he was going to go. Irony is that so many kids didn't make it to graduation in our old podunk town that tickets were no longer necessary and I could have waltzed in like I owned the place.)
DH decided he needed to chase her down, texting daily he loved her, sending her nice gifts for all events, etc. GAG. After she turned 18 and graduated, I had a little chat with him about chasing her. He should consider stopping. Told him she knew where to find him if she wanted him, and told him I thought he should redefine himself in her life instead of just being someone who mailed gifts and money.
He did just that. Even didn't send a birthday card for her 19th birthday. She told everyone she could what a horrible father he was, and when it got back to him (through his family) he simply said she was an adult, wanted to be treated as such, and hadn't acknowledged his birthday, Father's day, Christmas, etc. in the last few years so he thought she had defined the relationship. Magically, a birthday card showed up AND a Father's day card this year. Go figure.
So she's graduating from this program with a "certificate" of something. She CALLED DH to invite ALL OF US. (WTF????) We just recently moved out of state (yay!!! No more running into BM at the grocery store!!!) She asked for our new address so she could mail the invitation.
Guess what just arrived? An official invitation addressed to "Dad and family." :jawdrop: Not even "dad and guest," which is the most I would have expected.
She considers ME and MY KIDS part of her dad's family now??? I'm stunned. I don't know what to make of this. Was she being sarcastic? Is she starting to mature? How did she get this ok'd by her mother (who she lives with)?? Should I take this as an opportunity to reach out to her? Should I ignore her?
We aren't going. I have an event at o'dark thirty the following morning, and after looking at flights, there's no way I can get back in time. Not to mention, DH told her that if he came, he'd be alone. :? Whatevs. He wanted to tell her when she called that he wouldn't be there because he had plans to attend MY DD's event the next day, but I told him just to leave that part out. It would only hurt her feelings. As it is, DH will be working a brand new job (yay!!!) and doesn't want to take the time off.
I figured we'd send her a card. I'm rather against a gift, since DH bought her a VERY nice piece of jewelry for HS graduation, and I didn't agree with that.
This is just weird. So unlike SD. Maybe I'm overthinking it.
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Hee hee. I'm still processing
Hee hee.
I'm still processing it. It's so...weird. But so was the fact she actually sent (and texted!!) her father for his birthday a few months back...
Is it possible that now that DH isn't "chasing" her that she's actually interested?
Please define BJ... you're
Please define BJ... you're talking about their dad?? :?
Is there a nice Hallmark card
Is there a nice Hallmark card for first BJs? :jawdrop:
What would it look like?
What would it look like? LOL!
It's an awkward, horrible
It's an awkward, horrible moment. SD14 discussed this with ME when she was 13. I was so uncomfortable I wanted to run. ICK ICK PUKE
SD experienced something
SD experienced something having to do with a BJ at age 13? :jawdrop: Maybe I was just sheltered.. but sheesh.
I'll second that!
:jawdrop:
I'll second that!
I don't really think a
I don't really think a "certificate" is a graduation to begin with. I guess it's better than nothing but, seriously, not even a community college associates degree???
A card saying "So proud of you getting your certificate, sorry we had to miss the graduation" is more than enough.
Hence the quote marks. It
Hence the quote marks.
It was a whopping seven month program that cost tens of thousands of dollars. That will *hopefully* get her a job making a whopping $10 an hour.
That was a WHOLE 'nother issue. Especially since DH agreed in the CO to pay for college. GRRRRRRRR
Of course you are family when
Of course you are family when there are gifts to be bought!
Meh, I wouldn't over think
Meh, I wouldn't over think this.
She DID reach out. Maybe it was just for gifts. Maybe it was because she's grown up a little bit.
I don't know what the certificate is in, but, hey, different strokes for different folks. We need hairdressers as well as rocket scientists in this world, so if she has decided to be a hairdresser, and can support herself doing it, not sure it's anybody's place to sneer at it.
He said the relationship was now up to her, and it sounds like she has responded by reaching out. I wouldn't embrace her with open arms but I would give her a chance until it is proven she isn't on the up and up.
1). She's trolling for
1). She's trolling for gifts.
2). It may appear to her that DH and family are moving on with their lives and don't want to play her games, so she's trying to suck ya'll back in so she can snub you (again)....
3). She won't be able to find a job with a certificate and needs somebody to sponge off of or move in with.
A nice card and a low key take her or leave her attitude is appropriate. She did set the tone of your relationship after all. Leopards rarely change their spots. And neither do skids.
^^^^^You said it before I
^^^^^You said it before I could get back from the post office and type it out. I agree with you 100%
I have a question: Would you
I have a question: Would you go if you didn't already have plans and you were able to get a flight? It seems to me that you are the type of person that if she really is trying to reach out that you would actually respond cautiously. Let me know if I'm wrong.
StepX2, to answer your
StepX2, to answer your question, YES, we'd go. I'm not a fan of BM and SD, both of whom I'd have to see.. AND my ILs would be there. (They lovelovelove BM.)
It wouldn't be fun/comfortable, but, yes...we'd be there.
I'd test the waters on this
I'd test the waters on this one and see if it's legit or a trap. Not much to lose, right?
A nice card, signed "Love Dad and each other family member's name (NOT 'and family')" and maybe a gift related to her new "profession". Hard to guess what that would be without knowing what she "graduated" in, but if there is an inexpensive piece of equipment or a briefcase or a T-shirt or whatever that works for her field, I think that would be a nice gesture without setting you guys back.
(btw I'm picturing her receiving her online certificate from one of those Sally Struthers infomercials)
Then you can either proceed with a cordial relationship with her...or if this blows up on you, you're only out a card, a token gift, and some postage.
Dear Stickafork, I would be
Dear Stickafork,
I would be leary, only because I have been there done this for years... I would go and see how things go. I have been sucked in and spit out at least 1000 times now in 10 years. SD21 is only nice when she needs something from me. Just be leary but open to maybe she is growing up. I just know in my situation that wasn't the case. I usually get hurt...
I thought it was all about
I thought it was all about what the skid wanted? First she didnt want you there now she does. Si you have to go even if that means putting you bioon the back burner.
Isnt that what you tell everyone else including the poor mom that she cant have dad her dh by here side while hes in surgary so he can go to sd dance recitial.
Im confused as i thought you were all about the skids and doing whatever they want above all?
Not trying to be mean or anything just really confused is all.
Geez it was a typo bio in
Geez it was a typo bio in surgary. There better
Send a card. No money, but
Send a card. No money, but something to do with what she got the achievement in...Small...Don't trust her at all.
I am really, really surprised
I am really, really surprised that you are not MAKING your DH go to the graduation…I mean…it is a little more important than a dance recital I think.
I am really confused too here! You told the other poster that her DH needed to go to his other kids dance and not his other kids surgery. But your DH is missing his DD’s graduation because of some “event” your DD has. Shame on him. How selfish can he be??!! LOL.
Willow... I think you missed
Willow... I think you missed the big point. HE HAS TO WORK.
I'll double check my OP...but I thought I clarified that.
Actually, I DID tell him that he shouldn't worry about his obligation to DD's thing (not a dance recital
I told him he should go to her graduation two states away and if he got back in time, yay. If not, it's ok.
I’m sorry, but you had to
I’m sorry, but you had to have known that someone would point out the similarities in this post and the “dear prudence” post?
Willow/Frustr8D~ Here's the
Willow/Frustr8D~
Here's the direct quote:
"As it is, DH will be working a brand new job (yay!!!) and doesn't want to take the time off."
THAT is why HE isn't going. I'm not going because of DD's activity. If he wasn't working, he'd likely be going.
No matter the reason, it's
No matter the reason, it's the same thing in principle.
The Dear Prudence dad had to choose between serious surgery and dance recital.
Your DH has to choose between serious work comittments and graduation.
They both chose the more serious event. Yet, you criticized the hell out of Dear Prudence.
This is why so many posters had a hard time with you heavily defending the skid of dear prudence.
Maybe it's not hypocracy and more of a double standard.
Not even close to the same
Not even close to the same thing. Like, not even in the same country of the same state as the same thing.
Shrugs.
Parents miss stuff because they have to work all the time.
And mist parents wouldnt muss
And mist parents wouldnt muss a life threating surgery of their child over work or a dance recital but i guess you would huh?
My first thought, exactly
My first thought, exactly Willow!
Does this now meet the definition of hypocrite or do we need another vocab lesson??
LOL
I like the idea of a card and
I like the idea of a card and an inexpensive gift related to her certificate program. She will eventually show her true colors.
Yeah, she's looking for
Yeah, she's looking for gifts.
SD21 was out of our lives for over a year. She suddenly showed up when our first son was baptized, and lo and behold, the very next time she showed up, she asked for a brand new Macbook from DH. I knew there was an ulterior motive. If they're able to stay out of their parent's life for a long time, they generally want something if they come back.