It is hard. My SD16 lives with us fulltime. BM was not granted visitation but she didn't want to see her daughter anyway. For years I tried to parent SD they way I was parenting my DD. It made her hate me. Then all of a sudden BM is back in the picture and she thinks she is SD's best friend. She calls her "girlfriend" and they take selfies together and go to the mall. She lets her friends sleep at her house so she can go to the bar (only if they babysit her younger kids)

I cannot be SD's friend because she walks all over me. I cannot be her parent because I am NOT her parent. It sucks! I don't want to be my bios friend so I parent them the correct way.

I no longer parent SD at all. I don't tell her to do her homework, clean her room, do laundry. I say nothing except ask your dad. But she is also 16 so she is capable of doing things on her own. When she was younger and didn't do her homework, she would blame me all the time because I didn't tell her to do it. Ugh! Cannot win!

It's the same for those of us that have steps 50% of the time. Atleast for me it is. I try to parent the Skids like I would parent my own bio. Hasn't worked out that well for me if you've read any of my recent posts.

With you, I think once she grows up and has kids she'll see everything that you've done. Most of us don't really realize what or how helpful the things that our parents have done until we are put in the same position. We never turly realize the sacrafices our parents have made for us. Just my opinion.

I never try to be part time cool aunt friend. It wouldn't earn me any respect.

I am a parent to all my kids, steps included. Not a friend. I would never be confused as a friend..ever }:)

This thread just confirms to me once again that we just can't win, no matter what stance we take. I've tried both tactics with SD17.5. She responded best to me as a parent, until BM beat it into her that I'm NOT SD's parent. Then I took a more hands-off approach, and just did the "offer a listening ear" thing. Which morphed into SD asking for parental advice and support. The last sixteen years have been an awkward "dance" of sorts, one foot in, one foot out.

When SD lived with us full-time and BM was MIA, I was decidedly "mom". The second BM felt her psychological control over SD slipping, we were right back to "Clearly's NOT your MOM!!!", which SD reacted intensely to, pushing me away to appease BM.

The outcome at this point? SD has NO mother, just a BM that acts as a friend most of the time (and "parent" with regard to over the top punishments for the smallest of infractions), and a SM that is too jaded and afraid to get involved anymore due to the past dynamics of being f*cked with emotionally for years. SD also has NO FATHER, because BM also successfully alienated him from SD too. His hands are tied just as much as mine.

Who won? Absolutely NO ONE. Especially not SD....who is now the poster child for nervous, unsure of her every move, child of a ONS. It could have, should have, been different, but it is what it is now. Hopefully someday SD finds the inner strength to pry her BM's claws out of her heart, but I'm certainly not holding my breath for that day. I didn't create it or break it, and can't fix it. It hurts every single day. But what can I do? I'm just the step...whatever.