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I just want 5 minutes of your time

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:27pm

If any of you ohave read my previous blogs you'll know that there is a underground competition going on im my house with SD(7) where I feel like I am competing for my role at DH's side which DH claims he can't see even when she has point blank told him the she's his wife more than once.

DH has had a very hard time in the past showing both of his kids that he is in a relationship with me. Usually when the kids are around I don't even get a chance to sit with him until they are in bed. Every conversation gets interupted. Even when we sneak out to the garage there they are a knock knock knocking on the door.

One of the things that I suggested is that we sit together at night for just like 5 minutes without kids sitting on us, beside us, or inbetween us in order to show the kids that we are husband and wife and that they have to understand that they do not monopoloze his time. I also suggested that he start referring to me as his wife instead of my name because I think it makes more of an impact with his BD, which it has.

Last night I come home from work and of course DH is sitting next to SD aka mini wife. He asks me to come and sit with him. I did for a little bit until I realized I was like a third wheel so I got up and moved over to the other couch. As I was walking away SD asks, "where are you going?" Any of you who have delt with this knows exactly what that means. DH asked me why I had moved and I told him that I couldn't sit the way that I wanted to over there because there wasn't enough room. Do you think he got up to sit next to me? Nope. Just sat there messing with SD.

So my thought process was, seeing as how talking about it never works, if he can't make an effort to spend at least 5 minutes with me while the kids are awake then I'm not going to be able to muster up any time for him after his kids go to sleep. I am DH's wife and I do not have to wait my turn behind a 7 year old for some attention from him. So I pretty much avoided him for the rest of the evening until his kids went to bed.

He cought me walking in the garage door right when he was going out and he asked me if I was avoiding him, you see now it was my turn, and I told him yes which p!ssed him off. He got upset. I tried to talk with him. It ended up in an arguement.

I really don't see how I'm being needy. I just wanted 5 minutes of his time. And to make matters worse he actually tried to deny that fact that we ever had that conversation.

I'm about done with this sh!t. I never imagined married life would be this way. I actually sent my brother a text asking if they were hiring where he works. It's in another state but at least I would be close to family. I was looking at other jobs today in that area and there are positions which I think I'm qualified for that make more than twice the amount that I'm making now. I could buy a house of my own and not just live in DH's.

I told him that I'm done helping him with his kids. He can go to work come home get his kids up, ready for school, fed, out the door, and to school in the mornings. Which of course means he won't be doing anything for my BD. But at this point I just don't care. I'm tiered of having the same arguements and hearing the same excuses. I'm tiered of him agreeing to something and then turning around and telling me that the conversation never took place. And then I get the your just impossible to make happy. Really DH? Apparently 5 minutes of your time is asking way to much. How about making our maraige the priority? That's to much too. What about everything else?

I come to him with stuff because I'm unhappy about it. Guess what? If it's not resolved I'm still unhappy with it. How does that not make since. I tried to explain to him how his BD will be treating me in the next couple few years if he doesn't get her to understand that our marraige comes first. It's the first priority but that fell on deaf ears. He made a comment to set me off which I've been noticing more often that he does this and of course I get defensive and say something back and then he was like see here you are calling me names. I swear, I'm going to record a conversation so that I can play it back to him when he denies doing this.

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:35pm

1st married life is NOT that way, just shitty married life with a man with kids Smile
2nd YOU need to stay next to him...by you walking away, you are letting them win...YOU can call him into your room and JUST KISS HIM and believe me, that if you start doing that, the kids and HE will get the idea...but if when he calls you, you sit and then walk away, you are letting the needy kids win.
3rd YOU can call him YOUR husband all day long...it's not just up to him...

Peaches1973's picture

Submitted by Peaches1973 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:42pm

Im going through everything youre going through.I just keep having to reitterate that the relationship between he and I comes first.Yes its very important that he spend time with his kids,but he should not be shoving you away to do that every moment that shes awake.All thats doing is showing her that she is #1 on the totem pole and that,my dear,is YOUR spot.

Lol...." your just impossible to make happy"....I get "I guess I just cant do anything right". Oh wah,wah,wah.Grow up.

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:57pm

"I guess I just cant do anything right".

__________________________________________________________

I've heard that one too. How about, "I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around you."

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:51pm

And another point,

I've brought up the mini wife thing and he says he doesn't see it. So what he means by that is it's not happening and he doesn't have to do anything about it until he sees it which is usually when things are completely out of control. Mean while I'm unhappy because he won't do anything about what I am seeing and then he says that I am impossible to make happy. Can anybody see any logic in this? Anybody?

Not_what_I_wanted's picture

Submitted by Not_what_I_wanted on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:00pm

This is what my DH says... They dont see it, they are "giving them attention", and I am "just jealous because she wants his attention". Oh PUHLEEEZE, just be a father and stop doing this crap already.

Peaches1973's picture

Submitted by Peaches1973 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:54pm

I dont see it = I dont have to do anything about it.
He'd rather piss you off by ignoring it than risk hurting the poor little angels feelings.Pathetic.

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:01pm

Peaches1973,

I don't thinkit has anything to do with hurting their feelings. He probably truly doesn't see it. But that shouldn't matter when I come to him with something. If he cared he would listen and try and do something about it.

I talked to my brother today about all of this and he made a really good point about marraige and he's been married for 13 years. He told me that marraige should be about trying to make the other person happy. Like doing small things such as listening to a simple request of come and sit by me, just me, for 5 minutes or doing other small things. He said that if your main goal is to make the other person happy then everything will just fall into place.

Peaches1973's picture

Submitted by Peaches1973 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:06pm

Your brother is absolutely right.
My man says the "I dont see it" thing too.Im not saying that you are wrong and he's lying but I can tell you what my opinion of that statement is based on how my BF is.
In my mans case it can also be "It doesnt bother me,so why are you making such a big deal out of it? And furthermore,why are you asking me to be mean to my kid for something that only bothers you,and not me?"

Not_what_I_wanted's picture

Submitted by Not_what_I_wanted on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:08pm

"In my mans case it can also be "It doesnt bother me,so why are you making such a big deal out of it? And furthermore,why are you asking me to be mean to my kid for something that only bothers you,and not me?""

OMG, this is exactly how they see it. And its making me miserable...

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:13pm

I've got an answer for your BF. It's no longer just you and me. It's us and when something is bothering me regardless of whether it's bothering you it still affects us. That's why you should do something about it.

Lalena75's picture

Submitted by Lalena75 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 4:58pm

I just tell the kids "move go sit somewhere else" I've many times had SO's kids tty to climb between us and that's what I say every time. I don't wait for him to I don't care if I sound mean for it it's my couch he's my bf didn't take ling and he was saying before me. Now we do invite the kids to sit with us sometimes and sometimes when they ask the get to but if they try to just climb in the way or butt it it's "no you can sit elsewhere"

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:08pm

Lalena75, it's to the point with SD that as soon as walk into the hosue she's asking DH will you sit with me when you're done doing that or after dinner. She's never done this stuff. But ever since she realized that she is driving a wedge in between DH and I she has been on it like white on rice.

I just feel like I shouldn't have to do that. I feel that DH should want to spend time with me without his kids and not just after they go to bed. It's a pretty simple request. I really don't feel like I'm going over board here. But whatever. I think that I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore and would rather just move on and not have to deal with it. It's not going to change. Things are only going to get worse as SD gets older and quite frankly I really don't want to wait around for that to happen. I've tried to talk about it, I've argued about it, and I've screamed about it. It makes no difference. He's going to do whatever he wants to do which leaves me with very few options. Either suck it up and realize that this relationship will never be what I want and stick around regardless or move the eff on. Quite franklyI'm leaning towards move the eff on.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Submitted by justanothergurlNJ on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:08pm

I had a similar problem, nothing compared to what you have going on BF has boys. I reminded him that OUR relationship needs to come first, this applies to any relationship that involves kids be it bio or step. I explained that the day will come when they are all grown with wives/husbands and kids of their own and it will be just us, or it will be just him! I am suppose to be your partner/spouse we are suppose to be spending the rest of our lives together and we need to work at that everyday if we plan to grow old together, if you don't you will be a miserable old man who's kids come by to visit and no real companionship. It's working! I think the old and alone hit him!

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:17pm

justanothergurlNJ , my brother also told me today that the marraige has to come first. In fact he said the exact same thing that you said to your DH. Eventually the kids will move on and what then? He told me that marraige is a different type of love then the love that you have for bio kids.

He speaks from experience. He told me that he and his wife almost got divorsed because he wasn't listening to her and was putting the kids first.

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 5:19pm

SS7 must have DHs attention always. I got tired of competing too, and its not just me, SD12 too.

I was working one weekend and from the window I can see the pool. The windows are thin so I can hear everything. DH was in with SS7 who had been every 5 seconds asking to go with him (he won't do anything alone) so DH went. He asked SD to come with him. SS started saying NO NO NO and DH ignored him. Then he started saying things to SD like, don't come, i wont' want you to, you won't like, its too hot for you and a bunch of other crap. I saw SD reconsider and I felt my heart break for her - she gets ZERO attention from her dad or her mom because of SS7. They both let him suck up all the attention.

So DH was spraying her bedroom window from the pool until he finally got her to go. I watched SS7 ensure to get himself between SD and DH. I watched him splash and splash and splash her even though DH told him many times to stop. I saw him hit her with the ball in the head as many times as he could so she wouldn't want to play, I saw him force more and more distance between them until DH had to focus on SS7 just to get him to stop bothering SD12. I went out because I had a question for DH - SS shouted over me the ENTIRE time which was like 5 mins or less - then was trying to splash me in which DH told him to stop as I was dry and not going swimming so he continued to splash DH the REST of the time while making screaming noises so DH had to shout over him just to give me the answer. I just left without - whats the point. Then I watched SD quietly and carefully remove herself from the pool - DH by this time didn't even notice and she went back to her room.

I told DH everything I observed, he admitted he noticed (doubt it) but nothing has been done about it, i remind him now and then about the pool incident and ask him if he has talked to SD yet today (about anything as in spend 5 mins away from SS with her) he just gets huffy because he can't break away from SS7.

Every meal is like i described above except no slashing of course but SS7 will occupy DH and he isn't allowed to engage with any of the other 4 at the table - if he does SS7 does something to get the attention back. I have gone through a meal when its just SD and I where we have said not a word, not a single word outloud. If my bios are there, often my bios, myself and SD converse and Dh is always, whats so funny? or What was that about? but SS just drags him back - i don't answer DH - he is allowing it.

I have gone a complete saturday in the same house and not said a word to DH just becasue of SS, DH will say after he drops them off - gosh I feel like I haven't seen you - I will say - you haven't you were busy and drop it.

Maybe i am letting the child win - but its just way too friggin tiresome to bother anymore.

newbiemommy's picture

Submitted by newbiemommy on Wed, 08/22/2012 - 7:08pm

How on earth do you handle that!? That sounds SO frustrating!
My SO used to be really bad, but I would remove myself from the situation. I started just picking up my daughter and going to her room. After awhile he started to realize I would dissappear for whole days at a time. I never even verbalized what he was doing anymore because I got so sick of him telling me I was being ridiculous, or jealous, or whatever he wanted to accuse me of. He has since cut back on the behaviour A LOT. I still have to remove myself sometimes and he will eventually come looking for me and ask, "Why are you segregating yourself?" Usually he will suggest something INCLUDING me to try to get me to come downstairs. Or sometimes he will even hang out with me and our daughter for a bit, the skids arent allowed in her room. They also arent allowed to bother us if we go outside for a minute to ourselves.