After 4 years ACODs still refuse to meet me
After 4 years, my boyfriend's youngest 3 children still refuse to meet me. They are 32, 30 and 27. They are still upset at their dad for leaving their mother after almost 28 years of marriage (most of it miserable!!). BM has turned super religious and just keeps repeating "God hates divorce" and won't sign any papers.... and the skids won't accept anyone in their dad's life until he is divorced. They've talked to him but usually it's to berate him. They insist he comes to family functions but is "not allowed" to bring me. I have NEVER even met these kids.
So after reading lots of posts here, I have decided to disengage. But I think it will destroy my relationship with BF too. We don't officially live together (we each have our own homes) - but am thinking I should just get out now. I have no interest whatsoever in meeting these spoiled brats now. Their older siblings (from first marriage) are all pretty decent - and my adult children are wonderful to everyone! They really like BF and are quite close to him. My entire extended family is good to him. But his family (youngest skids) bring so much judgement and hatred. Don't think I want to live out the rest of my life (I'm only 49!) being ignored or barely tolerated.
Too bad too - because BF is a great guy - but I've lost way too much respect for him b/c he lets his ex and 3 brats treat him like dirt. It's too hard to watch.
Should I run?
- stopthebullies's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
These are not
These are not children...these are adults. And if your BF after 4 years won't stand up to his children, he never will, so yes, unless you are willing to go on like this, you should get out, it's not going to change. What state do you live in that you must get his ex to sign divorce papers? 'skids won't accept anyone until he is divorced'....is a crock! He is letting them make excuses. Get out!
Run as far and as fast as you
Run as far and as fast as you can.
Am writing from Canada. As
Am writing from Canada. As far as divorcing, it will happen - but not without a long drawn-out legal process.
Does anyone out there 'disengage' with their spouse's family and still have a successful relationship? Is it possible? Or does BF have to disengage too? (in which case I'm hooped)
After four years living
After four years living separate, he could be divorced if he wanted to be. He is just being lazy. He can file for divorce through the courts siting lengthy separation. Even though they have been separated four years or so, she is actually not his ex, but still is his wife, so you can see the kids' irritation (not your fault), but it is tacky of him to bring a girlfriend to a family function while he is still legally married to their mother (nothing to do with you personally, I'm sure, just the fact of the situation).
My estranged father brought his girlfriend to meet me. Then his next girlfriend the next month. He is still married to the woman he was married to for 16 years; I didn't really know her or like her (nothing to like or dislike really, just stranger to me), but it did irk me meeting these two girlfriends when I knew he was still married to the other. I didn't have anything against the women, but I really did lose respect for my estranged biological father and didn't really feel the need to get to know his girlfriend or invite them to family functions (either of them, but again mine was estranged).
So, I can see how you could take offense and have feelings hurt, but hopefully with my post, you can see the other side too. He should have more respect for you anyways to be officially divorced rather than just leaving it as is where he is actually married STILL to the woman. I think he is disrespecting YOU, his WIFE/separated, AND his kids, and they probably feel that about him too.
Hope I was able to help see from the other side and maybe you can feel a little better that 90% is really not about you at all, or personally.
Good advice too - giving me
Good advice too - giving me lots to think about! Thanks
He's married. Take three
He's married. Take three giant steps back until he is divorced.
Annanymous - Thanks for the
Annanymous - Thanks for the objective post. I know that you're right. It's just that, when I separated from my ex, our kids were really supportive of both of us. Even though it took some time to get divorced (over 3 years - due to a complicated separation agreement) I never had any doubt my kids would still be good to me - and encouraged me to move on. They've always had my happiness (and their dad's) as their foremost concern. So they accepted BF - no questions asked - and the ride has been smooth!
HIS kids, on the otherhand, almost sent him over the edge with the "how could you!!!" and "what have you done to ME!!" They have dragged him through burning coals of anger. He's just a quiet peaceful kinda guy who put up with that crap from his ex for over 20 years. Not dealing with it was his way of coping. And yes, I know he's weak for letting them all bully him, but he really is a very nice, hardworking man - just no idea how to deal with confrontation.
Recently he has gotten a lot tougher. He knows he's going to lose me if he keeps sticking up for their bad behaviour. He's actually stopped talking to his son who has been the biggest bully.
I just don't know if he'll be able to sustain that (or even should! - they are his children after all.... and in spite of it all he loves them...) So how much should I take. If it's not personal, (which is probably true in their eyes, but a little naive when you see the consequences of it all. - Isolation and Ignoring someone are two of the foundations of bullying) when will they get over it? 5 years? 10 years?
And then what? "Oh hi, nice to meet you - sorry I treated you like shit for 10 years but hey - hope you didn't take it personally!"
I really appreciate your comments though.
Kind and peaceful are nice
Kind and peaceful are nice traits...for awhile. I also live with a non-confrontational man, and it gets old. It does seem more like weakness at times. I think he's got to buckle down and get serious about legal proceedings, which very well could drag out over a long period of time, but at least everyone will know it is happening, and I think he needs to go to a family counselor or couples counseling with you. That would be my position. And I will admit that my SO was very late on getting his divorce finalized so as not to "rock the boat" with his ex, so I do kind of get where you are coming from in that regard.
Also, if you haven't yet, please read the book Stepmonster. I only skimmed the parts about adult step-children, but I'm thinking there is plenty in there that could help you.
Great advice. I'll do that.
Great advice. I'll do that. Wow - this is my first time on this site and the comments are all so nice and helpful and rational. Thanks to everyone!!
Oh, it's easy to "armchair
Oh, it's easy to "armchair quarterback" everyone else's life
My bf of 3 years now says he
My bf of 3 years now says he can't "make" his married 27 yo daughter and 23 yo son meet me if they don't want to...I'm so frustrated not because I really want a relationship with them (have 3 kids myself, 21,19 and 14yo)but it makes it so the my kids and I are not included in any family gatherings out of respect for his children...My bf tells me that not all divorces are amicable like mine was (22years) and some skids
"never" come around and accept the "new" woman...This means holidays are a messy! My kids don't get why his adult kids are so immature and bc my son and my bf's son play the same college sport (they have actually played against each other)and his son ignored my son the whole time even though he knew who he was...my son was crushed even though he pretended to be tough guy...
I told my bf that he has to grow some balls and tell his kids he chose me and the skids can either come aboard or not...but to no avail...I'm scared to move forward with our relationship...what if I eventually meet them and see the interaction between my bf and the skids (he calls his daughter "baby girl" when they talk/text) and it turns my stomach bc he will look like a weakling and I'll lose respect for him?
"I don't think I could
"I don't think I could respect a man who let adult children lead his life for him"
Nail on the head!
I'm losing respect for sure...he says his kids are protecting their mom...I asked from what? Me? The evil stepmom?