First call from the facility and Ss
My Dh came home yesterday and was very distant. Of course he was unhappy. He refused to talk much to me. It made me even more upset. But luckily I had work to take my mind off things. He was still not himself when I got home.
We got a call from the facility last night telling us how Ss was doing. They called us before Ss is given his timeslot to call home so we would know what was going on. He was eating barely anything. He was crying a lot and had thrown up 4-5 times again. They say he is throwing up because of nerves because he has no other symptoms to indicate he is sick. Before we sent him there, Ss was gaining weight. Now its back to him losing weight I am sure.
I kind of wished they hadn't called us before because it just made us even more upset to think of talking to Ss. Then Ss called. We couldn't get a word in. We could not even understand what he was saying. He was just crying into the phone and saying things that were all over the place. First my Dh tried talking to him. But my Dh got too upset and asked me to try. Same thing happened. In the end my Dh hand to hang up on Ss because he was not saying bye. The phone rang one more time after that but my Dh didn't pick up. We assumed the nurse didn't let him call us again.
Both of us were very sad. My Dh locked himself in the bathroom for a while. But I had the kids around so I had to keep it together. I cried this morning though. Ss is allowed to call us again tomorrow. I am sure it will go the same way. My Dh is going to ask the school to email us the updates, because the phone calls are too upsetting.
We are going to visit Ss on Sunday, hopefully take him out for lunch. My Dh and I are having a big discussion about one thing. Whether to tell our families the truth about what Ss went through. Ss told us not to. But my Dh says he can't do it any more. I am torn about it. Any opinions on what we should do? We are tired of our families thinking Ss is a rotten child. My Dh wants to tell them so they can keep their stupid opinions to themselves.
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Is there a way to word it to
Is there a way to word it to your family with out giving "full disclosure" to them Trying to keep SS's trust right now is vital I think. Maybe you can sit down with the family and tell them very "general" information that SS has gone through traumatic events that have resulted in behavioral issues. And that he isn't ready to share them with the family yet, but he is getting the help he needs and hopefully one day he will be ready to talk about the things he has been through.
I feel sort of that way too.
I feel sort of that way too. If he doesn't want us to tell, we shouldn't. But keeping this a secret has created so much stress. And I know my Dh's mother will weasel her way into finding out the details. It is only Dh's parents I am worried about.
You have enough on your plate
You have enough on your plate without having to worry about what family "thinks" of SS. I say you tell them that SS has had a traumatic experience that is causing him to act out. That he is getting the help he needs, and that what you need from THEM right now is to be ok with NOT knowing details, and to be supportive in his healing process and that when SS is ready to share his experiences, he will and until then they can either be supportive or nonexistant.
I think that is what we will
I think that is what we will do. Keep it vague and either tell them to be nice or stay out of it. I'll see what my Dh says. Thanks bsgoingon.
You are welcome Praying. I
You are welcome Praying. I think about you and your situation a lot. You are in my prayers. I know that everything is going to be ok. Thank you for being so strong for your family. It is a rare quality, your patience in all of this. I think the world of you, and your DH. Keep up the good work.
Praying, So sorry to hear of
Praying,
So sorry to hear of the pain your family is going through.
IMO, if you do tell the family I would not reveal details or private things that only SS, DH and you should know. If they push for details I would stop all conversation with them. They need to take your word for it that SS was abused and needs emotional, physical and spiritual healing with a support system that is strong.
Maybe they should be told not to be so quick to judge SS and that if they do not have support to offer the family that they SHOULD keep their mouths shut.
Remember whatever you tell can be repeated and SS will have to live with that the rest of his life.
I have been praying for your family.
You are exactly right. If
You are exactly right. If they cant be supportive, they should shut up. I wish most of Dh's family knew that. They have done very hurtful things in regards to Ss because they think he is just a punk. Maybe like someone said earlier we just tell a very general description of what happened.
I am 50/50 on telling our
I am 50/50 on telling our families. My Dh wants to. HE said he is sick of it. I Can't say I blame him. But you are right, what if it comes back to hurt Ss? Instead of giving him more support?
I can't imagine being in
I can't imagine being in their shoes. I am sure it would be easier to just TELL people what is going on. I think that is why Praying is here asking advice. They have been through so much. Stress will cause you to do selfish things sometimes.
I agree. I am just saying
I agree. I am just saying that he probably said and/ or considered this as an option out of pure stress and frustration. I couldn't agree with you more that it would be selfish and completely destroy trust with SS. I can just see how he would get to the point of saying "EFF IT I AM TELLING THEM". But then not actually do it.
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went back and read your very first post. I just can't imagine dealing with this situation.
Does your family know what BM and her husband went to prison for? If they know, that may be a way to lead into the conversation about what has happened to SS. I would be very vague. They don't need to know all of the details. I would also gather them all together and do it all at once so you don't have to relive this situation over and over.
Also, If none of us knew what he had gone through, he would probably be just another bratty step kid... but we do know. Your family loves you and just doesn't know the circumstances, they see you taking on this huge challenge of a child without understanding that this child was damaged by his mother and people he trusted. This information changes everything. You may feel relieved when you let it out.
I will pray for you and your step son. You are one hell of a strong woman to stick by this man and his child.
Dh's family thinks Bm went to
Dh's family thinks Bm went to prison for fraud. Thats the story we tell them. Its believable because her husband was doing business.
I agree, if we do tell them, it would have to be very vague. Not sure about telling them all though. I think it would be easier telling them one at a time.
Honestly, he was never a bratty kid with them. Just very quiet. And not willing to interact much. And they assume he's a brat. Which I think is unfair. My Dh's family is a bit bigoted too. I have no idea how my Dh turned out so loving.
Many times I have had you and
Many times I have had you and your family on my mind and wondered how to say what I think. I work with people with disabilities all ranges for many different reasons they aren't like your ss but similar. I have seen parents lose it over having to place their children after trying everything (most are adult children) the transition is hard on everyone the guilt is debilitating to some at first. I had a parent who's son is is world but physically and health wise he just couldn't give his son what he needed and his placement ate at him after he visited often is extremely involved in his sons life and after a time he saw how well cared for his son was his guilt was replaced with strength he did right by his child to place him give him a chance at a better healthier life he didn't see it as abandoning his child his responsibility anymore but loving him so much he would give his care to strangers to help him. We love his son we have worked hard for all our clients to feel like.
we are family because if the roles we're reversed isn't that what we would want for our own families? SS will take this hard for awhile you and DH must tell him everytime this was done to give him a better life he didn't fail this isn't his fault he is a good boy and loved so much his dad was willing to do the hardest thing a parent has to do to save thier child. SS may not want people to know because he is afraid but sometimes when it's no longer a secret you find the support is welcomed and maybe someday SS will have the strength to use his life to help others. I hope you find some comfort in what I say. I hope it gets easier better for all of you.
The nurses in the facility
The nurses in the facility were very nice. They were one of the main reasons we sent Ss there. They treated the kids like their own.
Thank you for your comforting words.
Ss still has it firmly in his
Ss still has it firmly in his head that he let this all happened. And a few poorly worded slip ups from us haven't exactly helped him overcome this.
And secrets do make us sick. The stress we are under to keep it under wraps is too much. That is why I kind of want to go ahead with my Dh and tell them. But I am scared of the consequences.
No one was named to keep Ss's
No one was named to keep Ss's identity private. And we didn't keep any newspaper articles. I don't even know if they exist.
I am sure they will feel bad. But they kind of deserve to for being crass.
My heart aches for your
My heart aches for your family I cannot imagine the anguish you feel. NO human should ever be violated in the way this child was. There is a special place in hell for his mother and her husband.
Something that someone told me when my son was in the NICU and maybe this might help you and your DH. Sometimes the people we love need things that we cannot provide. Your SS needs psychiatric help that you and your husband cannot provide for him. Even if that was your profession your personal feelings would get in the way. He is in the absolute best place for him right now. In time he will realize that too. For now he is going to be sad and angry and that's okay. He will get better.
as for what to tell your families....
I would say that your SS has suffered terrible abuse at the hands of people he trusted and that is the reason for his behavoiral problems. Your family has had to make a heart wrenching decision and that is to allow professionals help your SS in a way that you can't. Tell them you hope that SS can count on them for support. Because that's what this child needs right now is support from all those that love him. Also tell them that this is an extremely sensitive subject for SS and you hope that they can offer their support without asking for details.
exactly. a general statement
exactly. a general statement of trauma leading to behavioral issues is one thing. MY abuse story was told without my permission, decades later in adulthood - and that betrayal was almost worse than the actual childhood abuse. Find the space that acknowledges the change here, but hold the fierce boundary. THAT is a hugely powerful thing you CAN DO for your ss.