No wonder you have no children, you're too selfish

That's what my father said to me last week when we had an argument.

So for those of you who haven't read my other blogs, I'm 21 and studying for my degree. Things are complicated between me and the OH and I'm not even sure if we'll stay together (I know, I should've gotten out of this mess ages ago!). He has a two year old son who we have 50% of the time and most of the work is left down to me.

So me and my father were having an argument and he comes out with "No wonder you don't have any kids, you're too selfish and couldn't cope!" Erm yeah okay, no wonder I have no kids? Well that would probably be because I'm 21 years old and I have more common sense than to have a child with someone I'm most probably not going to stay with and when I have no stability in my life. If wanting to better myself, get a degree and follow the career path I'm extremely passionate about and waiting to have children until I am more financially, emotionally and mentally secure rather than being stuck in a council house for the rest of my life, earning a pittance and scrounging off the government makes me selfish well then so be it. I didn't realise everyone had to have children in their teens / very early twenties or not at all! And really dad? I'M selfish? Excuse me but over the past year I have wiped the poo off somebody else's child's bum, gotten up several times a night when he couldn't sleep, played with him all day when I'm absolutely exhausted and have a million other things I *need* to be doing, cooked him food, bought him clothes food toys and everything else he could possibly need and basically been a mother to someone else's child. Forgive me if I do not see your point of view when you say it's no wonder I have no kids!

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Lol! I guess I forget

Lol! I guess I forget sometimes that my Dad is still just a regular guy with all the regular guy flaws lol

My dad has said the same

My dad has said the same thing to me..he even said Im selfish because I disengaged and won't have anything to do with the skids. Im apparently selfish because I pay $200 every six weeks to get my hair done than to put that money towards buying clothes and stuff for the skids.
Why the Hell should I take my hard earned cash and make sacrifices and stop getting my hair done, stop buying nice clothes to support someone elses kids?? Sorry not thats a Hell no! If that makes me selfish then so be it.
My dad knew my entire life I did not ever want kids. I didn't have any maternal instinct, I didn't want to spend money on kids etc. Im not making those sacrifices for someone elses kids who I don't even have feelings towards!
And why would I want my own kids when I KNOW I don't like being around kids and have no maternal instinct whatsoever? So they can have grandkids? I think thats selfish. Not happening.

What?! Gosh some people

What?! Gosh some people really are idiots! No way is it selfish to spend YOUR money getting your hair done rather than spending it on someone else's kids. I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason why you disengaged and no one has the right to call you selfish because of it. Totally agree with you, especially your last comment about it being selfish to have kids when you have no maternal instinct. Exactly what I feel like saying to my father! I *may* in the future have more maternal instinct but for now I'm perfectly happy not having children of my own and it would be selfish of me to have them when I wouldn't want to provide for them.

But hey, we're obviously the selfish ones for not following the society's seemingly norm of popping kids out just for the hell of it.

Yup exactly! We are selfish

Yup exactly! We are selfish because we aren't following what Society wants from us. Hence why I see so many people who are completely miserable being parents and aren't being good parents..but they had kids because "its the thing to do" or their parents pressured them into giving them grandkids.

How about the fact that I take some of my money and donate to animal charities? Is that selfish? Or maybe it is because animals aren't like children. Ive heard that one before too..ugh
Im glad you're sticking to your guns no matter what. No one should be "bullied" into making a life time decision that they will regret.

Oh and I disengaged because if it was up to my SO I'd be doing ALL The caretaking while he sits on his ass watching tv or playing video games. I work 5 days a week full time. He sits on his ass at home and works from home. Im not going home to take care of kids so he can sit on his ass some more.

Funny thing is, it was only a

Funny thing is, it was only a couple of weeks back that my dad said he hopes I don't have children soon because I need to focus on my year in industry and getting my degree! Now apparently I'm too selfish to have children.

Guess your dad doesn't see that part of it about you giving money to charity, just that you disengaged from SOMEONE ELSE'S child :/

Yeah I think its sad our dads

Yeah I think its sad our dads are like this but I don't see myself as being selfish at all. Its my life and I have to live it so Im going to have to do it in a way that makes ME happy, not what makes someone else happy. If I can't make me happy, Im not going to make anyone else happy either.

Good! It's good to hear you

Good! It's good to hear you are also firm on your decision NOT to have children yet and won't be pushed into it by someone's misconceptions of how we should live our lives Your last comment is a really good way of looking at it.

WOW! I'd lose it on my

WOW! I'd lose it on my father if he said that. The fact is that you are NOT selfish...you know who is SELFISH? Those idiots who get pregnant to keep a guy and could care less what they could offer their kid, etc...THOSE women are selfish. You on the other hand understand that you need to take care of yourself first, BEFORE popping out kids, so that you can give both YOU and THEM a better chance in life. Geez. Pathetic. I am sure this is how many men who have kids already also feel. Idiots. Their need to hump someone was greater than their need to ensure that their kids had a decent mother/father...idiots.

Thanks herewegoagain. I

Thanks herewegoagain. I don't think I actually responded to the comment, more just gave him a look of disbelief and left the room. I totally agree with your comment about the woman who are selfish. I've read countless times on here about people's OH's who only have a child because their ex deliberately got pregnant to try and keep them. The only reason my sort of SS exists is because his mum wanted an easy way out of college, or rather she thought it was easier as she didn't have the guts to tell them she wanted to leave.

Good to hear you agree that it's good to take care of yourself first before popping them out. My friend has a child who was 100% planned(she's 22 and has a three year old) and even she agrees that I should get my degree first before worrying about kids (either my own or SS).

Its true..SO's ex had

Its true..SO's ex had children just to make sure she kept him, she wanted to stay home and not work..cheat on him every chance she got, and have him pay her way in life. Its very clear that she hates being a mom..and doesn't really care about them the way moms should. Her plan backfired and the poor kids are stuck in the middle.

Wow... that would really hurt

Wow... that would really hurt my feelings. I would like someone to tell me that I'm selfish. I would laugh in their faces. I am raising TWO children while their mother, who really IS selfish is across the country having the time of her life now that she doesnt have her kids to worry about.

BTW, you are NOT selfish... you are SMART. I wish more 21 year olds acted like you. I think we would have a lot less problems. And who says you EVER have to have childen?! I am 25 and have zero desire for my own children.

Yikes, kudos to you for

Yikes, kudos to you for raising his two kids!

"And who says you EVER have to have childen?!" - I know, right? Seems such an absurd thing to say, or rather imply that everyone HAS to have children. Chances are if I find the right guy then I probably will have children at some point way off in the future but ya know not everyone wants to and not everyone even can have children.

Wait a minute. Why are you

Wait a minute. Why are you doing most of the work of raising this child exactly? What is his father up to?

Don't ask lol Lately I've

Don't ask lol Lately I've backed off a lot and have started deliberately arranging activities to do when he is due to have his son so I don't end up with much of the responsibility. Before though, he would look after him whilst I went to uni but then at weekends / evenings he just wouldn't bother. Like, he'd be sat in the room just playing on his laptop or whatever whilst his son would drag me off to play with him. Me being muggins here couldn't resist his cuteness (he's two) and would go ahead and do it as I hated lil man being on his own or calling for attention all the time. In the mornings / nights too I don't know whether he genuinely wouldn't hear him crying or if he was just being lazy but he would just ignore him and then I'd go get him as well for 1 I couldn't sleep with a crying toddler and 2 I felt sorry for him crying his eyes out and not getting any attention. And then he would stay in bed until around 10 by which point I'd already bathed, dressed and fed lil man. He has depression and I used to accept that as an excuse as I know how hard it is but now I'm starting to see that it really is no excuse and so NOT my responsibility.

I'm moving soon though as I'm doing a year in industry and need to be closer to work so he's all on his own. Writing this really makes me see how bad our relationship is and I highly doubt we'll stay together when I do move unless he drastically changes which well yeah I'm on cloud cuckoo land if I think that's ever going to happen.

In a way I can see his point

In a way I can see his point in the sense of yes I suppose I am being selfish as I am just putting myself first, BUT it makes much more sense to me seeing as I'm so young and I feel it's better to establish myself first so if I want a family I can support them in the future. That said, he's essentially saying anyone who doesn't have children is selfish. Seems such a strange idea that everyone should HAVE to have a child...

Thanks

What would make a parent say

What would make a parent say something so stupid?

My son will be 21 in October. I would be livid if he had a child or started dating a girl with a child now. He's a typical college kid having the time of his life.

Right now the focus should be on college and your future career not kids.

I have no idea! He was

I have no idea! He was married by 21 and had my sister at the age of 22 and my mum was 18 but personally I think that's absurd! I don't understand where the comment even came from to be honest. I've done EVERYTHING for my ex(?) partner's little boy over the past two years and he flipping well knows it. Even if I hadn't that still doesn't make me selfish for wanting to enjoy my younger years. You'd think he'd be happy his 21 year old daughter hadn't made him a granddad just yet!

Haha I wish!

Oh ysmtb, my mother told me

Oh ysmtb, my mother told me the same thing. Actually she told me I had walls up that the skids couldn't get through and that made me a horrible person and perhaps I should leave DH because it was wrong of me to his kids.

My mother is always telling me how awful I am because I can't love the skids like my own. Yet less than a week of her visit I heard her raising her voice to SS6 - try 2 years mother - b@@@@ch.

It hurts so much when it comes from a parent. I have 2 bios, I am a wonderful mother - I love them to death, they are respectful, do well in school, all teachers say they are a joy in their classroom, their friends parents love them - I am doing a great job.

You are fine. You are 21. You don't have kids because you are only 21 and smart and waiting for the right time. Good for you. I had my first at 26 and that was young - I was only a few years into my career. You have lots of time honey.

Your father hasn't walked a step in your shoes - they are not your kids. You are just fine.