Due to my disengagment and focusing on myself. I have changed and feel so much better than I did over a year ago.

Below, I am pasting what I wrote on January 6, 2011 when I was feeling so very low. I'm so glad I found this and read it. It makes me feel like I've come a long way. I've gained back myself and no longer feel lost. I hope that others will be able to see this and realize they can do it too. When I wrote this, the step situation and SO had me feeling so out of control.
I wrote is as a letter to my late husband. Its was just the easiest way to get my thoughts out. Like I was talking to him.

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Jan 6, 2011

Today, I woke up not as anxious, but still unhappy. Lately I have had knots in my stomach. Over stupid things things that I would never have cared about before. I miss you. Tomorrow will be 4 years since you have gone. I hate it. What is strange is that I’m not sure I could fit that life anymore. Lately I have been so apathetic. I think I wrap myself up too much into other people. Pleasing them. I am trying to stop that. I am not interested in thinking or delving into research anymore. Or learning. I feel like I should. But I don’t. I am constantly feeling insecure with this new person [SO]. I shouldn’t. I get irrational. I take everything as a slight towards me. Its not. I have to figure out how to not take things so personally. I was so much more secure with you. I never questioned you. Maybe because he and I are still new [no it was the whole step situation and HIS parenting of his kids, i see that now].

I am so tired all the time. I have no motivation to do anything. I woke up today and cried. I didn’t’ know why. I decided that I have to do something. I refuse to feel this way. I walked slowly then I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could. Sometimes, I feel lost in other people. That’s probably the people pleasing. I worry if I please myself, someone else will be offended. OR I will miss out on something with that person and be upset later. I don’t know. Just feeling lost, out of control, and tired. I want to eat and just enjoy myself. I want to not worry about whatever it is I am worried about. I want to stop pretending to be happy. Maybe the running will help. I need to do it daily. Tomorrow will be a long hard day. Constant attention at work. I will hate it. I hate it, but I guess I’ve gotten to a point in my life that no matter what, even if you were here, I would still feel off. Like I don’t belong, like I can’t gain my footing. I feel like I’m just wobbling through life instead of in charge like I used to be.