Don't even know where to begin!!!!
Well my weekend went AWEFUL!!!!!!!!! I am completely upset and just want to cry!!!!
We left Thursday night for our weekend away. We left at 4, got there, unpacked and went for dinner around 6. 6:30 DH's phone rang of course it was...Everyone now, SD16....I just ignored it and went on with our night. (we were with 2 other couples) Now the rest of the nigt no more calls, ok great...
Friday came went for breakfast and at 9 phone rang, SD again wanting to tell daddy she was going to a feast that night and sleeping at BM's. So DH already not happy because BM means DRAMA!!!! So instead of him saying NO, thats not a good idea he says OK call me if you need me. So already my stomach is turning and i am thinking to myself this is not going to be good at all....Low and behold guess what????? I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!
Friday night hits and the phonme starts ringing off the hook, texting constant....WHY you ask? BM and SD got inmto big fight, SD is crying, BM is calling bitching what a brat she is, DH yelling outside on the phone...It was a total nightmare...My friends were like just try to ignore it, have another drink, your here just try to forget....Well easier said than done but Friday night I try my best to ignore, sat same shit 6 calls and texts from 9 to about 2.....Night falls Sat and texts again because SD is afraid to drive and wants to leave BM's but of course she waited to long made up with BM and stayed longer sat now there fighting again crying again BM calling DH, SD calling DH and Im like are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! I exploded in front of my friends and it was aweful....I told DH this is why we are not living together, this is why are relationship is going to shit, this is why your DD is the way she is because you are feeding both of them. SHUT OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!!
His response, priceless, I cant do that she needs me and I'm all she has.... :jawdrop: I can not do this anymore. We stayed he went in bathroom and in house to text and talk to SD andf I just ignored it. remainder 2 days were not good ignored DH, drank alot and by monday couldnt wait to get the fuck out of there. Went home fought in the car ride home, not good. I told DH this is why we are where we are....It is insane....DH want me to please please be patient, SD is getting better it is just a slow process and her BM just set her back and he was not happy she went because he knew it was going to end up bad and is he suppose to just turn his back on his daughter, he can not do that. My response...I can not do this, I am sorry but I can not. He kept saying be patient I'm trying she will get it soon I promise....BUDDY YOU MAKE MATTERS WORSE!!!!! WTF!!!!!
DH left at 12 because I asked him to please leave I just cant deal with this shit anymore and want a day before i have to work of PEACE!!!!! So he left and I havent talked to him since. He tried calling last nigt a couple of times but I didnt answer the phone.
Woke up this morning feel sick to my stomach and just want to cry. i dont feel right about our relatinship, I feel this is over and i just need to face it but have no clue how to do this...Need advise please....WTF do i do? :sick:
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You have given this
You have given this everything. It is time to disengage from him and concentrate on you. He totally enabled the situation by answering the phone. She is old enough to drive and has transportation, she could have left BM or not gone at all, her choice. She needs to handle the consequences of her actions...
He played into both of them. All three are disfunctional and do you really want to continue to put yourself through that? I normally don't tell people to leave, but you have two feet already out the door and it is not getting any better with all the things you are trying. There is a man out there that doesn't have this much baggage, who will respect your place in his life and put you first.
OMG... I don't have much to
OMG... I don't have much to look forward to do I.
On the up side, I have started a hobby again that I stopped a few years back and if my relationship goes to shit I think by then I honestly won't care.
Sit down and write out the pros and cons and then weigh up in your heart whether you can commit to this man and his daughter.. I say his daughter as well because he places her as a significant priority in his life and where she is, so will be the BM.
If you stick it out with him then you need to just switch off and go your own way every once in awhile. Believe me I am already considering this myself... just pissing off for hours and when I get home and he says' where were you?' I'll say I was spending some 'us' time.. you were busy though so I took a raincheck!
If you do it often enough and enjoy yourself he'll hopefully become more attentive to you because he realises you don't really NEED him in your life, but he WANTS you in his.
Best of luck
She could have left. She has
She could have left. She has a license and a car. She CHOSE to stay and be miserable. BM CHOSE to let her stay and be miserable. Your dh wasn't there. He couldn't do a damn thing to help either of them, yet he thinks it was his responsibility?
He isn't going to change Daisy. SOrry, honey.
She CHOSE to stay and do her
She CHOSE to stay and do her best to make daddy and daisy miserable. She had a car and license if she was that upset she could have left. She just wanted the attention from daddy and if daddy can't see that now he will never see it.
"She could have left. She has
"She could have left. She has a license and a car. She CHOSE to stay and be miserable. BM CHOSE to let her stay and be miserable."......
AND your DH CHOSE to keep answering the phone/texts.
We ALL have choices. There is a solution to every problem, it may not be the one we want but there is a solution.
I predict if you stay in this relationship daisy, years from now DH will still sing the same "patience/takes time" song to you.
I am sorry your weekend fell through.
I really feel your pain. You want sooo badly to believe him, so bad you can taste it. Just to be let down. AGAIN.
Wow, I don’t really have any
Wow, I don’t really have any advice, I’m sorry to say, but I feel for you and even though I’m not in this ‘community’ all that often, I feel like I can relate on some level to every person here, and we’re here for you to lean on…
Emerold has some great advice… but “switching it off’ or disengaging isn't easy for everyone...
Daisy I was hoping I was
Daisy I was hoping I was going to come on here today and you had a fabulous time
I think Ripley has said it all. Your DH for some weird reason is NOT taking this situation seriously i.e. the fact you are telling him you cannot live like that and that you are living in separate houses. Perhaps its because he has the best of both worlds, romantic dates with you and going to home to Alpha wife sd? Plus I believe he thinks he can just move back in if he choses, you know like he did a couple of weeks back.
Your DH didnt have to have his phone on, he didnt have to answer sd's phone calls (once he established it was NOT an emergency) and WTF was he thinking answering BM's calls? He has a crummy excuse for running back and fro with sd, but there is NO excuse for taking those calls from his ex!!!
I would be embarassed to be with him and his sd, you were meant to be having a nice weekend, with mutual friends, and didnt he PROMISE you a good time which would NOT be destroyed by him and sd? Well he yet again broke that promise. You cannot trust this guy no matter how much you love him. I am really sorry to say that.
I completely 100% agree on cutting him off for several weeks. Text him that you need space from him for a few weeks and you dont want to hear/talk or see him, this will allow you time to decide what to do. I think you need that to get your head together because I know how difficult it can be to make these kinds of decisions at the best of times, without having an obnoxious sd drama and a disrespectful DH.
Personally I would be considering legal separation and I definately would advise you to get some legal advice, just in case and to know where you stand. You dont have to mention it to DH either and thats not to say you have to go through with anything legal yet, but information IS power.
I think you have been treated terribly here and your DH is just coasting along with no intentions of changing, his words and actions are all telling you this so the ONLY thing you can do is put yourself first, distance yourself from their lies, manipulations, drama and disrespect to consider what you want and how you are going to move forward with your future. With or without DH.
Kudos to Ripley - Absolutely
Kudos to Ripley - Absolutely !!!!
I'll echo this as hers was far more eloquent then mine.
THIS THIS THIS
THIS THIS THIS
Thank you everyone....I know
Thank you everyone....I know what i need to do but its killing me to do it....We are suppose to go to therapy tonight and i dont even want to go.
I don't know what he's seeing
I don't know what he's seeing to believe she's getting better. She cannot get better until he's willing to acknowledge that he's a huge part of the problem. If he isn't willing to change his behavior toward her, she isn't going to change her behavior toward him.
He's nurturing her ill behavior & as long as he does, it will continue.
Why can he not just turn his fucking phone off? No interruption. No drama. No SD. No BM. He can easily dismiss ALL of that if he'd hit the power switch.
I'm with Ripley here. The separation isn't really a separation with the amount of contact you still have. I agree with a complete disconnect for a minimum of 2 weeks...probably 3. No phone calls. No text messages. No drop-in visits. If he sends flowers & cards, send them back undelieverable.
YOU NEED space so that you can find some clarity. HE needs space so that he can find some clarity. He HAS to get past this denial he seems to be in & he HAS to know that he can't continue to make excuses for him & his daughter.
YOU deserve to feel happy Daisy. YOU deserve to be the highlight in a man's life. Not second to his daughter.
It really sucks that he's so enmeshed with her. It seems like the two of you could really have something if he would want to mesh with you that way.
I think there are two options
I think there are two options with your counselling session. Don't go if you dont feel like it OR go and only talk to DH with the therapist present...tell him you are only attending the session in order to tell him that you want some space for several weeks and then fill in the therapist about whats been going on.
Then when DH starts spouting his rubbish excuses and making insincere promises, I wouldnt even acknowledge them, argue about it. Zip.
You know what freaks out people more? That you dont care anymore about the lies and BS promises. I would quite clearly state that you dont believe one single word he is saying so its pointless discussing it anymore. Then leave and cut him off for a bit.
Everything that happened this
Everything that happened this weekend was manufactured drama. SD went to BMs because she knew DH wouldn't like it. And then to ask DH to intervene in a needless fight that shouldn't have happened anyway?
And your DH, putting his time with you and friends on the back burner because of this total BS? if someone was in ICU, maybe, that is the level of attention he gave this crap. He told you very plainly this weekend that when SD says jump, he says "how high."
That is not normal behavior. Of course, it is your choice whether you want to keep him in your life, knowing that he is the way he is. You don't seem to be able to tolerate it, and that is enough reason to say, good-bye. I wouldn't count on him or her changing. I don't see any signs of that. They are enmeshed.
It is hard to make these decisions. I was very ambivalent for about a year with my EX. Something bad would happen and I'd say "I'm done" and then things would calm down and be OK. But with unhealthy relationships that is the pattern, whether it's abuse or substance abuse or just crazy.
All I can tell you is, I am so happy with DH. Although we have some problems with his kids and BM and ILs, the rock solid commitment and priority of US is in place. All of our days are good. You can have that too.
^^^ third this.... the
^^^ third this.... the difference is noght and day
Daisy go see the therapist.
Daisy go see the therapist. My DH and I had a lot of issues because SS and BM did not get along and he would engage with both.
At 16 the kid should deal directly with her BM - not get you DH involved.
It is INSANE and I to almost left - my DH needed to get a backbone or I was out of there.
The therapist kicked his ASS! Told him to stop.
I am so sorry to hear this.
I am so sorry to hear this. You were looking forward to this great weekend and it ended up being a nightmare.
I have to agree that DH is feeding this fire. It is sad that SD's own mom rejects her and Dad cannot change his ways to help her through her emotions properly...
He is really crippling her and she will not leave unless he gets the help HE needs.
Hang in there...sending you good thoughts!
HE isn't all she has. She has
HE isn't all she has. She has her mother. And by him playing up to their DRAMA it isn't making MOTHER take care of the issues. So therefore there is no accountability on either one of their parts. HE is their bandaid. Their go to man for everything. HE has to change this. ONLY he can fix this. He is an enabler. I am sorry for your weekend. That is terrible. I know how weekends like that can go. We experienced one like that last summer. IT was AWFUL.
I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself and telling him to shut that phone off. And I'm so sorry for his poor response.
Hang in there girl. You will get through this. Heck maybe you and I will be going through this together. As I know I need to do the same thing. <3 my heart goes out to you.
I was afraid of this. Daisy,
I was afraid of this. Daisy, he just keeps telling you what you want to hear to keep you around. He works just above threshold, your limit, so that you keep coming back. Then things like this happen and he pushes you to your limit again only to come back and make excuses and say be patient. You allow him to keep talking you in to these things.
Take your own advice, shut off your phone. Cut all contact. I promise if you can hold on for 2 weeks with no contact, just grieve and distract yourself, it will get easier. You need to cut off all contact and stop listening to his sad stories. He's manipulated you with empty promises and guilt this whole time.
He has a need to be part of SD's drama and you can't do anything about that. Just cut your losses now.