I've never cared for the "gut-rush" they bring. I don't know if it feels different for other people, but the feeling it puts in my stomach almost hurts.

I feel like I've been on a non-stop rollercoater for 4 days now. I got a call from DH Friday afternoon to let me know that he'd been laid-off again...for the 4th time in the last year. I was sympathetic out loud, but I was irritated in my heart. All I could process was that we have rent due the 1st of the month. He has CS to pay. The electric bill is due. Insurance is 8 days past due. Why can't he keep a fucking job???

He came & picked me up from work, as we are functioning with one car between us. He seemed so unaffected while my mind was reeling with anxiety. It pissed me off. I've never been one to jump from job to job to job. I've been at my job for 6 years now. The one I had before this I was at for 8 years, until they closed down. I'm tired of being the one paycheck we count on. We can't make it on mine alone. I'm the one who pays the bills, so I'm the one forced to look at our numbers. I'm the one who has to decide what we'll pay this week & what we can bear to let lapse until next payday. I'm the one with steady work, but I'm also the one carrying all the financial stress.

I've always been supportive & encouraging in times like this. I've always been the one practicing "faith" & reassuring him that everything will fall into place. Everything will be alright.

This time I broke down. I was careful not to blame, but the stress got to me & I broke down. I hate fear I seem to have developed in the last year. I feel knots in my stomach every day he comes to pick me up from work. I've made a habit of asking about his days. What's going on with everybody? Do they seem happy with your work? Does it seem like something that will last?

I know he gets tired of me asking, but I need some reassurance. I need to feel like we have some kind of stability.

Well, good news came yesterday while we were at MIL's for a cookout. He had a message from the guy who laid him off before this last job. He's in need of help. DH called him back & starts this morning. I'm thankful we won't have to look to unemployment again. That check seems to get smaller & smaller each time we apply because he's having to take jobs that pay less & less. We celebrated & life was good again.

When we got home I let the dogs out to pee. Where was Wiley? I asked DH if he'd seen him. He said he never saw him come out of the house. I went back into our bedroom to look for him. (We've been keeping him separated from our females because 2 of them are in heat.) He stays in the bedroom & we keep the back door open for him to go in & out. I yelled out the door for him & he never came. I walked down off the deck & yelled for him. Nothing. I looked & looked for him & found him laying under one of the bushes. I guess he went outside to lay down & just got too hot.

We buried our boy under the shade tree outside our bedroom window. I'd hoped that we'd have our own home before anything like this happened so that we could always be with our babies. I've had every intention of making a stepping stone for each of the four of them to put in my flower beds. I guess I'll start this weekend with his.

I'm ready for this rollercoaster ride to end. The high ups & the low downs are too much too close together for me.

On a lighter note, I posted Wiley's sweet mug on FB this morning with our news. SS just posted a comment, "I`m so sorry you guys... I hate that that happened.... I Loved Wiley so much, I`m glad I got to see him...I love you guys so much".

It's not the first time he's expressed love for us, but it is the first time he's acknowledged us in such a public forum. As minimal as it may seem, I really am thankful he took the time to post his condolences.