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Narrowing down our options

praying's picture

Submitted by praying on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:34pm

We both went to see the schools/centres. We went to to three. One of the options got thrown out again. Now its down to the other two, the group home and the school that is dormitory style.

I really want to like the group home school. But I went there, the kids looked rough. We asked them if we cold place Ss in a group that had more nicer kids and they said they don't sort kids like that. We don't want to send him there for him to get bullied again. Although they did say they have a zero tolerance bullying policy. Well, so did Ss's school. And we asked them what kind of monitoring they do. Apparently the live in guardian checks on them before going to bed and keeps any eye of them throughout the day. We asked more questions but we were not exactly sold.

So we went to the second school. I felt like crying after spending 10 mins there. So many disabled kids. It is so unfair. But they all did look happy. There were some children screaming or yelling once in a while. There was a small group of children who did not have profound mental disabilities. The nurse/guide told us they had body issues, suicidal or severe depression. They were mostly girls. The school itself was amazing. It has a huge ground area. A stable and horses. Chickens and ducks that the kids can play with. And the rooms were great. They all have a TV that can be turned on only at certain times of the day. And they all have access to computers and even a library. We did cringe seeing the restraints on the beds. They used them on Ss in the first facility we sent him to. It upset him a lot.

And I realized I own a book written by the chief psychiatrist at the second facility about surviving abuse. And he would directly work with Ss. He spent almost two hours talking to us about all the issues Ss was having. And he knows Ss is an unwilling participant in this. The group home school did not ask us nearly half the questions he did. The second school had staff that were so nice and patient as well. They were all smiling and laughing. We want to send Ss here for sure. But if I was so upset seeing the disabled children, how would Ss feel? Throughout the whole tour a 10-year old boy with down syndrome was walking with us. He held on to my hand the whole time. He was so cute and precious. I just cried as we drove away. Maybe Ss would get used to them after some time. I hate this so much. We talked about it a lot and my Dh decided the second facility would be the best option. We will see if Ss will need surgery to improve his sphincter. If not, the school said we can sending him there for a probationary period of 2 months, starting end of June.

My heart feels very heavy today.

Comments

dancingwatermom's picture

Submitted by dancingwatermom on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:42pm

I have been keeping up with your posts for a long time now and I wish I could offer you something more than just my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Stay stong and I know that in the long run you and your famliy will make it through this. From reading your posts I see you as a strong and compassionate person. Again, my prayers are with you.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:43pm

SS is disabled Praying. His disability just isn't visible to the world. Option #2 sounds like it would be the best for him. Putting him in a school where the kids are less likely able to hurt him would seem to be the best place for him. WIshing you TONS of luck.

praying's picture

Submitted by praying on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 1:09pm

That is a big thing to think about. We don't want him being bullied again. But we don't want him feeling more uncomfortable than he has to.

praying's picture

Submitted by praying on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 1:12pm

Hi Ripley. We did ask the doctor about children feeling comfortable among the more disabled children. He said it take time and it depends on the individual as well. He said some children have left because they were so unhappy there. But he also said that the parents pulled them out too quick.

And seeing how some the kids talked in the group home talked sent up a red flag for me too.

There weren't success stories exactly. But the doctor said kids will begin ignoring the yelling and shouting by the more disabled children. Not exactly making me feel better.

CrazieCoconut86's picture

Submitted by CrazieCoconut86 on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:51pm

Wishing you the best of luck, praying. My thoughts are with you and your family. It does sound like the second school is the best choice for SS. Stay strong!

JustAnotherSM's picture

Submitted by JustAnotherSM on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 1:37pm

I think it's great that the staff was really upfront with you and asked a lot of questions. That demonstrates a strong desire to help children and I think you and your DH are making a great choice for SS.

When my SS went to a therapeutic school, the staff there worked closely with BM and her husband but excluded DH and myself (lots of PAS going on). So while my SS was learning some good coping mechanisms, he was allowed to continue blaming my DH for all of his personal problems.

Keep the lines of communication open, between you/DH and the staff, as well as with SS. I hope that this place will help your SS find his life again.

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 1:42pm

Maybe helping the more challenged students will help him!

Horse therapy is good!

And everyone from staff to residents seemed happy, another plus.

I have been following your posts for quite sometime. I was angry for your SS from the first post I read. I have sent prayers and positive thoughts that SS finds a way to cope and to less the best life he can.

Hopefully this school/center can help him.

giveitago's picture

Submitted by giveitago on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 2:45pm

It's a HUGE leap to trust someone else with your child. I think I would totally discount the first place, right off the bat too, you felt it was bad and there probably were some badassed, attention seeking, kids in there. The second place, well, it might be an eye opener for SS too. Kids who are disabled are NOT stupid by any means. I have a son with Aspberger's and he's as crafty as a dog fox sometimes, worth noting? Blessings are such that we have the opportunities to broaden our kids' horizons and I think place #2 is the perfect choice, because of the spectrum of disabilities they handle. I had a harder time with placing my son than he did, truly, it's horrible to part with them but the whole point is to teach them life skills and counsel them with coping strategies and, as well as I knew my son, I knew I had to let him go too. I am not qualified to deal with him as effectively as these people who have him now are. He now has his own apartment, live in staff, gets to go on Mediterranian cruises, go to Paris, Spain, and he has all the mod cons too. None of those compensate him for not being able to live totally independantly but it sure cushions life for him! It was worth every tear I shed over his best interests to see him as happy as he is now.

praying's picture

Submitted by praying on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 3:24pm

Thanks for all the support. Maybe having disabled children there it will open his eyes, maybe it wont . Personally, I would not be comfortable there. But that is just me. I am hoping with all my heart Ss is different.

And thank you giveitago for your experience. I hope Ss will use this opportunity to get better. I really do.