Daisy, my sympathies go out to you. I think everyone gets frustrated when they are obviously giving you the advice you are seeking and then you bend over and let DH & his demon seed step all over you. I don't know what to tell you darling except that we are all the architects of our own lives and we are within our rights to draw our life out whatever way we see fit. If you refuse to put pen to paper and draw these people out of your life than you will continue to live in sadness. That is sad. You have ONE life and ONE life only, do NOT let it slip away in a constant state of gloom.

Daisy, good luck with your situation.

I think posters get frustrated because it goes a little like this:

Daisy: I burned my hand AGAIN on that stupid fire. Why won't they just put it out? Why can't they put up a warning sign or something?
ST posters: Put the fire out yourself. Don't allow yourself to be burned.

Daisy: I can't just put it out. It's not that simple.
OW! Damn, I burned my hand again! What is WRONG with them? Put the fire out already!

ST: Just stop putting your hand over the flame and put it out yourself. They aren't going to do it for you, so do it for yourself!

Daisy: Gosh darnit, I got burned. Again. I'm going to have scars on my hands. This sucks. Why won't the put the fire out???

ST: FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT YOURSELF!!!

Ok, that may not be a perfect illustration, but hopefully you get the jist...

Daisy,

I think most are angry on your behalf & frustrated because your words and deeds don't match.

Take some time for you and decide what you can and can't live with. You're right leaving is never easy & far too easy to say. Know that you will be supported with whatever you choose but it should be your choices.

Some of the ones that post ..."leave him" are the ones that are stuck in a terrible situation that they themselves will not leave.

It is YOUR HOUSE!!! Most of the rest of us, in order to resolve our situations, would have to find another place, perhaps another job, pack and move
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
OMG!! Really? lol. So she is stupid, because she was smarter than most?

I think Dog Person hit is on the nail. Daisy, YOU seem to have options, it is your house, you have a job and can take care of you and your kids. Some people on here CAN NOT leave, they are dependent on their SO, his house, his money. THEY have to plan an escape, your escape sounds easy to most of us...you don't need to leave, you just need to tell them to leave. I was married for 22 years, last 10, not so good. Last 5 I was planning my exit, THAT is how long it took me. But the perfect opportunity came up and I took it, I don't know if I would have left otherwise. My ex kept coming back begging to move back in with me, it was real hard to keep telling him NO. But I am so glad I did, because if I would have taken him back, I don't think I would have found that opportunity the second time to get out.

Good Luck Daisy, and if it helps you going on here, please don't leave, do what is best for you.

I am still floored that people are ragging on Daisy because she was smarter than most and bought a house before she got married. That just makes some of you look silly.

If that is the case, then some of you should be ragged on for NOT being smart enough to buy a house and get finances in order before getting married!

Well thats like me, I don't love the situation with the skids..I dread having them around, every single time!! But I disengaged, whether her liked it or not (he eventually admitted he'd do the same if I had kids so I win on this one), but I made sure when the skids are here, I make myself as scarce as possible. I've had people tell me to leave too, but for me thats not an option as I do love SO. I've had people ask why Im with him when I knew he had kids.
I just deal with it by not allowing skids to affect my life. He has them for a weekend? I make other plans..ok this weekend we are all going to see Avengers, but Im ok with that. But after that, its me time..shopping, reading, etc..I refuse to put myself around them thus causing me to be miserable..I refuse to take care of them..so as much as I dread them being over, I have found ways to make it pleasant for me.

I was going off of these comments....
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It is YOUR HOUSE!!! Most of the rest of us, in order to resolve our situations, would have to find another place, perhaps another job, pack and move
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
YOU seem to have options, it is your house, you have a job and can take care of you and your kids

I don't think so many people are saying to leave as they are saying STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! QUIT BEING A DOORMAT!

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us, Daisy. WE get to decide what we are willing to put up with & it's OUR responsibility to create a life for ourselves that allows us happiness & self-respect. That doesn't mean a perfect life without bumps, but it does mean that we surround ourselves with people who want to help us attain those things.

From what you've posted here, we understand that you love your DH. Does he love you? Does he respect you? Does he make an effort to help you achieve a happy life? Does he encourage you to be strong? I'm not seeing it. I'm not saying that he doesn't, but given what you've posted here, I'm not seeing it.

What many of us here see is you feeling unhappy with your situation. We've seen you pushed to the point of having to separate yourself from the situation & we've seen you be strong enough to do so. We were happy for you & cheering for you, & encouraging you. You really had a lot of support here. You were calling your shots & setting your boundaries & doing what you needed to do to get yourself back into a place where you could feel happy. We were happy for you!

But as we see this progress you're striving to make we see your DH fighting your boundaries & we see him manipulating you with his "needs" & his "can't do this without you's" & his excuses for lying & his "inability" to punish his daughter & his lack of respect for what you need & want. We see him manipulating his way around your requests & your boundaries for the sake of getting what HE wants...JUST the way you see his daughter...this girl you cannot STAND, manipulating her way around him. You told him you wanted time away & he ignored your request, armed with flowers & a lovely card & you folded. All of the strength you mustered when you were pushed to your breaking point disappeared...just.like.that.

I don't think so many people are suggesting you leave as they are telling you to stand up for yourself. If he isn't willing to help you achieve the happiness & respect you need & deserve, it's up to you to make it happen. You were on your way to it, & now all of the effort & success you were making is gone. You're all the way back at the starting line.

It's so frustrating to have seen the progress you worked so hard to make & to have seen you find the strength to take back your happiness & self-respect & to put yourself in the position you needed to be in to be in charge of your life, & then to watch it crash & burn because he stomped all over your request for space & showed up at your door with flowers & a card. It's frustrating!

Knucklehead has it right. How many times do you have to get burned before YOU decide to protect yourself?

I think the point is, whether or not you are physically leaving (in Daisy's case, she wouldn't be as it is her house), the decision to leave the RELATIONSHIP isn't easy. The fact that it's her house doesn't make the decision any easier. Actually, I think it would be easier to physically leave than it would be to kick the person you love out of your house. Leaving the relationship is a tough decision to make regardless of who's house it is.

Daisy, my personal feeling is that you talk about standing up for yourself, but when it comes down to it you lose your nerve. You need to fix that whether or not you stay with your husband. If you can't do it in this situation, you won't be able to in the next one either.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I think having her own house is actually hurtful in this situation. Its hard enough to put your foot down and take charge of your life, set boundaries and pack your stuff and try to regain control.

daisy is stuck with them in HER house. Daisy has nowhere to go and if she wants to regain her ground - her option is to kick them out, which she did, but they came back - they came back and moved in BEFORE daisy agreed. They did this because it put daisy in the position not to say no you can't move back in but to force her to kick them out again - which is way harder. daisy wasn't given a choice.

Daisy, I hope you haven't really left. I know I have given you some TOUGH LOVE advice. I am not stronger than you are - I have allowed DH to dump his skids on me to the point where I see the friggin skids more than either bio parent and I can't dig myself out. I have given you TOUGH LOVE because I relate to where you are 100% - I was so excited for you when your SO and the nightmare were at MILS and you were gaining momentum and I was crushed for you when they moved themselves back in. You did more than I have been able to do and I admire you for that and my heart breaks that you are back to square one.

I think I even told you I was living vicariously through you once you got them out and for a few weeks started to get your life back.

I am in the same bucket, I don't know how to say no to DH - I am so angry at myself then DH flashes me with his gorgeous smile and next thing I know its 3pm and I am on the hook to pick up SS6 against my will.

People are commenting strongly on your posts because we are all there with you and you were one that almost got out....

Daisy, hopefully you are still reading these posts...I know some are tough.

Daisy, you did not get to have a proper separation. You laid some solid ground work to improve everything and your DH and SD destroyed it.

This does not mean leaving the relationship exactly.

I think it is time to have them leave again and change the locks until they can understand the rules you laid out.

Additionally, SD needs to realize that she will not be living their for college and that she has about a year to work that out.

There are many articles on line about kids who are failures to launch and how to prevent it. They can also help you lay some ground rules down.

This is not your child and it sounds liek you did a great job with your sons, so do not let this child ruin your life any longer.

I do agree that you are being taken advantage of. Taken advantage of when you are the one who wants it to work, but in a very healthy way. These two are unhealthy in every way right now.

They should leave for at least a month. I really doubt DH would be done with you. That is just his reaction in the now.

Hang in there!

I see three options

1) they both need to go again
2) stop waiting for your dh to correct her behavior and delusions and address them yourself
3) accept that you're going to share your dh with her for a very long time and quit stressing about it.

Those are your options. You don't have to like them, but this is what they are.

They need you more than you need them. You don't believe that, which is why they're in charge, but look at the facts. You threw them out. He groveled. They came back.

Every single time she interrupts you, look right at her and say "enough. I was speakign with your father, please do not interrupt me". Every single time you guys are planning a night alone (sitting on the patio, on the couch or whatever) and she plants her ass down to "hang", "SD, we were having some adult time. Please go find something else to do". Your dh is not going to say it. You're waiting for a miracle on that one. When she said "Besides I'll be of the age to sit and hang out and have a drink with you guys", my response would have been "I'm sorry you have that planned for our future, but we are adults and regardless of your age, we will expect to have alone time or time with friends in our age group without you hanging out".

So she isn't going away to school. I'm not a big fan of saying "18 and out", but I'm also not a fan of "18 and sponging". She stays home for college. Great. She also gets a part-time job and has a list of chores. She seems to think that your list of "rules" will change when she turns 18. Its up to you to let her know that 18 doesn't mean "I'm an adult with special privileges." It means "I'm an adult with new responsibility".

I get that it is aggravating to watch what is going on in Daisy’s life….BUT … some people chastised her for not leaving her DH even though they are in the same situation and THEN said it was ok that they did not leave their DH’s because they had a better excuse than Daisy to NOT leave. KWIM?

I call BS on that way of thinking.

Daisy, my heart sank when I read your earlier post about SD. I know you love DH, but you have to decide what your boundaries and deal breakers are. They're moving the goal posts again; that's what manipulative controlling people do. You seem to give up control to DH--are you afraid he won't love you anymore if you stand up for yourself? I used to be like that. And my marriage was similar with an overbearing controlling person who ended up doing exactly what HE wanted and didn't care two hoots about what I wanted. He didn't really love me, selfish people love only themselves.

What will happen if you say, DH I don't want SD living here during college? You don't have to give a reason; kids need to be on their own. Sometimes it works, but those kids are independent and not a pain to live with. She is basically saying she can't/won't leave her "daddy." That is so unbelievably unhealthy. A normal 16 year old is too into boys and having fun to pay attention to parents or want to "hang with them."

All I can tell you is, you need to either stick up for what you want and stand your ground or cave and let DH and SD call the shots. How does your gut feel when you think about that? If you feel sick, then you know the answer. Your love for DH will soon curdle after years of abuse. And overriding your concerns and feelings is abuse, no doubt about it.

Daisy I know exactly how you feel. Words are easy to read and to write. However real life in your shoes with your tears and your broken heart are more real than any comment. We love these men and pray they will wake up. Not wanting to let go. Fear of the pain of more hurt. So we settle for this hurt. The skid hurt. The skid treatment so we aren't going through the loss of a love we wanted so badly. Logic is out the window because our feelings are all over the place and they are on control. I feel your hurt. I experience your hurt. I'm sorry for all sm who go through this. It's a long road we have chosen. And this site helps us vent so we don't go crazy.

"I am not telling you to leave him. But why can't you at least open your mouth when SD starts this stuff?"

Why would she have a discussion with a 16 year old girl about where she is going to college? That is 15 minutes of your life that you are never going to get back. This kid is 16.

Daisy doesnt like her for obvious reason's you dont honestly think that SD likes Daisy do you?....nope, its like a dance...who will lead and who will follow, Skids or Us. I think your right for not saying anything Daisy, this statement about college was made as a spite move.

And we know none of our DH's are going to change, none of their EX's are going to change and none of the kids are going to change.

At some point I know for me, I have started to identify my marriage seperately from my DH and SD relationship. They are not one in the same. I guess that is what disengaging is truly about.

Or is disengaging the final straw to acceptance. I have to look at life 20 years from now, verses right now in this very second...