Need some honest opinions
We have decided to send Ss to the school. Ss was acting well actually. But I think what finally convinced my was Dh was last Thursday. We had a family dinner at my Dh's parents' house. It was fine. Ss just sat in a corner while all the kids hung out in the basement. We were keeping an eye on him except for he would take washroom breaks. They were quite frequent so we thought he wasn't feeling well. Well, it turns out he was sneaking wine all night.
He hid it realy well. But while we heading back home, he wasn't walking back to the car properly. It was barely noticebale but he was walking a bit off-balance. That's when my Dh smelt his breath and it reeked of red wine. We have no idea how much he drank. He was so out of it I don't think he understood what we were saying. His need to drink makes us scared. If left unchecked, he could become an alcoholic. On Friday my Dh tried talking to him about it and Ss said he did it to feel good. Then he started crying. He was inconsolable.
So my Dh flew to three different therapy centres on Saturday (he had made the appointments earlier in the week but was going to cancel them). I didn't say a word. After our fight last week, I have not given any opinion on the situation. He ruled out one of the schools because it had a shared washroom. Ss got himself severely constiptated the last time we sent him to a therapy school that had shared washroom. We don't want to put him through that again.
So now we have a choice between two schools. One of them is amazing. It has an incredible reputation. Nurses and psychiatrists at the facility itself. And it is in a nice place. The only problem we have with it is that it is 80% made up of children with severe mental disabilities. Children with autism, down syndrome etc. My DH went there and was very upset to see so many suffering children. A small amount of the children were there for severe behaviour problems or depression. Ss would have his own room but would share common areas with the other children. We are not sure if Ss can cope being around children like that.
The second school does not have children with severe mental disabilities. But it has a group home structure and some of the children are there for drugs and alcohol. We are not sure how well this school would work for Ss who has big deression issues. Plus its a new school and it isn't well-known.
My Dh came back and cried. He said he was sorry and that he needed my help. So I agreed to help him pick a school. But I made it clear it is all his final decision. Last thing I need is to be blamed for sending Ss away.
So I guess I need some opinions. I am leaning towards the first school. But we don't know how Ss will react to some many disabled children. What do you guys think?
And secondly, we don't want to make the same mistake as last time and tell Ss about sending him away days before. He put up a real fight when it was time. My, Dh wants to make him think it is a roadtrip for just the two of them. It is a 6-7 hour drive away. But it feels very deceptive. Any opinions on how we deal with this part?
On a side note, Ss didn't acknowledge me on Mother's Day. I wasn't expecting it. I know he hates me. But it did sting a tiny bit. I hope everyne else had a better weekend.
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Comments
Some of the leading causes of
Some of the leading causes of alcholism/ drug addiction is depression and abuse. Based off the descriptions you have provided of both the school and your SS behaviors and past history, my instinct is to lean towards the second school. I would think they would have more experience at treating despressed teenagers than a school whose primary function is metal disabilities.
Just my opinion.
The first school has a much
The first school has a much better reputation for treating depression. The psychiatrist at the first school is well-known.
The second school...seems good. It seems to be more like a place for children with problems that are not that big. They are children who are defiant, ODD, partying, marijuana. We are not sure if they can treat something as severe as what Ss is going through.
And they have only dealt with children who have been molested. They have not dealt with a child as severely abused as Ss before. The first school has.
The first school mentioned in
The first school mentioned in their plan that Ss will be fully aware that they are tackling with his depression. That they will let him know the drinking is a side-effect of his main issue. We liked how professional they are. If it weren't for the other children there, this decision would have been a no brainer. I want to send him to the second school but I keep getting a vibe that they don't know how to deal with Ss's issues. But I will go see it with an open mind and see how it goes.
Good steps forward, praying.
Good steps forward, praying. SS will only escalate these avoidance behaviors if left in the home situation. It does sound like the benefits of the staff at the first place far outweigh the student population. He is going first and foremost for his own healing attention and strategies. I know that observing a large group of challenged kids can seem overwhelming from the outside, but once inside, even that gets familiar and you learn (are guided to) coping and navigation strategies - which is what he will need in the "real world"
Has the staff at the first place confirmed that they believe this would be an appropriate place for him?
Did dh ask the second place about their ability to support ss with his depression and post trauma issues? never mind the lingering physical disability? (which the first place might be more competent to manage)
as a healthcare professional I do think that ss needs the more structured, established program.
The hand-off, though, doesn't feel right. maybe the first place would have some ideas for your dh... but I don't think I'd trust that therapist that ss was seeing for ideas on how to best handle this.
And tough as it is, good job stepping back. Hope DH can come home to some good counseling himself, he's got his own post trauma injuries with all this.
Hi Arjuna. The first school
Hi Arjuna. The first school does take in severely sexually abused children. They did mention it is not always successful. But the second school has not dealt with such a severe case before. The second school is new and all the staff is young. They seem capable but I personally feel that the first school has a much better reputation.
We really don't want Ss to to feel more uncomfortable than he has to. Dh said it was upsetting to see some of the children yelling and screaming. And that Ss might be unhappy there. But what my Dh really liked was that the first school had a treatment plan already laid out when my Dh got there. It was very professional.
It is actually not that
It is actually not that often. Usually 15-20% of abused children become abusers. Ss has not exhibited any risk behaviors yet. That has been a fear of mine with Ss at home though. But the first school is well-monitored with cameras and staff.
I have an autistic daughter
I have an autistic daughter who is 18 and lives in her own home now with 2 room mates but she lived in a group home for 4 years with others who were disabled. She had a hard time even tho she is disabled herself to cope with their behaviors. Autisim ranges so on the spectrum and if there are kids there who are volitile or having other psyciatric issues it might not be a good fit for your son. It could cause him to go deeper into depression. If your DH had a bad reaction to the first school then think about how your ss will feel living there. The second school sounds like a better fit for him just b/c it seems more focused on his needs. If I were you I would go to visit the schools again with your dh (at least offer to go with him) b/c often a second visit can be better in that the staff are more relaxed (thinking you've chosen their school) and you will see more real interactions with the staff and kids. It's important to see these interactions because it gives you a good insight into the place. When placing my daughter we had her in a group home for 6 months before the second one, she was only 13 and we did not visit long enough and it turned out that the staff were all spanish speaking women and spoke their language amongst themselves and after awhile this really negatively impacted my daughter. We finally moved her into another place and she thrived! Are there any more options for you in your area?
You are right about going
You are right about going back to see it. I think I will go as well. I don't want my Dh to overlook anything. There aren't any other good places near us. These are our best options.
But you are right, we don't think Ss will be comfortable with the other children there. Most of them are low-functioning.
The only fear about the second school is that they seem inexperienced and the kids are not as closely monitored. Ss has tried to commit suicide before. And he has threatened to do it again if we send him away. So he needs the constant monitoring that the first school offers.